Jester Rants!

[Mikkel]

:And I think it's useful information to know just what, exactly, I can and can not hide in my cleavage.

May we know what the largest thing you have hidden in your cleavage successfully is .

[Jester]

BONUS RANT!

kjhkjgd

When I say "I'll be with you in a moment," that means that I'm busy with something else, but I know you're here, and (this is the important part) I'll be with you in a moment.

It does NOT mean "Hey, just tell me you're order as I'm doing other things."
It does NOT mean, "Feel free to start chatting with me about random shit."
It does NOT mean for you to say, "Oh, I just need some change."
It does NOT mean it's okay for you to ask random questions about the menus.
It does NOT mean that you have my full and undivided attention.

It means that I will be with you shortly, but not quite yet. Because, you know, I'm busy with other customers, you self-important jackass. So shut up, chill out, and wait your motherfucking turn! I give some of the best service on this whole damn island, and if you have some fucking patience, you'll soon benefit from that. Otherwise, I'm going to reach over the bar, grab you by your hair, and start slamming your head repeatedly into the bar. I might just make sure there are sharp objects on the bar when I do it, too. Like, say, the shattered bone fragments from the last asshole who treated waiting the same way a hyped up over-sugared five year old does.

Oh, and a special note of blind seething hatred for you change seekers. Yes, I know that parking in downtown Key West sucks harder than a porn queen. Yes, I know that a lot of people need a lot of change for the meters. And yes, I will actually provide you with change. But the fact that you think that because you "only" need change I am going to put you ahead of my paying customers makes me want to rip your head off and shove a roll of quarters right down the gaping, blood-spurting neck hole.

Oh, and those of you that want change, but can't wait 30 seconds for me to help my paying customers before wandering off in a huff? Fuck you. You earn an extra special dose of bile, you fucks. I'm glad you're gone. Go bother someone else with your insipid neediness, you walking donkey scrotum. Someone needs to take that meter and shove it up your ass. Preferably after it's expired, so the Key West parking nazis ticket you for it.

It's moments like these that a lot of people are glad I don't possess any flame-throwing equipment.

[Becks]

May we know what the largest thing you have hidden in your cleavage successfully is .

As soon as I know, I'll let you know.

[Salesmonkey]

Excuse me, I hears somebody mention rum-flavored candies. RUM CANDY? I want want want this. Somebody go into business because you've got at least one buyer.

[wolfie]

Cheap stupid ass clowns like this should be soaked in 151Cuervo and lit on fire. Near a gas truckvat of bathtub gin.

Corrected that for you. Cheap stupid ass clowns are no reason to waste good booze, and torching a gas truck would just give the oil companies an excuse to jack up prices even higher.

[RangerJake72]

as an aside to becks, I possess bolt cutters than might fit within cleavage, and to Jester I do possess incendiary devices

[Lots42]

I admit to being a bit of a nit on the topic. Neighbor at the flea market didn't like popular political character and went on and on about it. I made sure to display a product I had for sale , near him, that featured political person.

[Jester]

Excuse me, I hears somebody mention rum-flavored candies. RUM CANDY? I want want want this. Somebody go into business because you've got at least one buyer.

No need. They are already out there. A quick google check gave me these, for example. And this is really nothing new, as I remember my parents giving me some Jack Daniel's flavored candies about 20 years ago. Ditto with Bailey's flavored candies. Etc, and so on, yada.

Corrected that for you. Cheap stupid ass clowns are no reason to waste good booze, and torching a gas truck would just give the oil companies an excuse to jack up prices even higher.

While I agree with you on the gas truck, I am going to disagree with you on the liquor point, for two reasons. First, Cuervo is not nearly as flammable as 151. Second, 151 is hardly "good" booze. It's almost indistinguishable from gasoline, to be honest. It's flammable and strong, but hardly something most humans with a working palate would ever sip on.

as an aside to becks, I possess bolt cutters than might fit within cleavage, and to Jester I do possess incendiary devices

Never offer the axe murderer an axe. Bad juju there.

[Becks]

as an aside to becks, I possess bolt cutters than might fit within cleavage

I'm interested.

[Mr Hero]

I'm interested.

So am I.

[Becks]

So am I.

Found a hacksaw that might work.

[Jester]

Attention, Key West drivers! And I mean both locals and tourists alike, thank you very much. It's time we discussed what a green light means.

It means, very simply, go. As in, move forward. Hit the pedal on the right with your foot to cause your vehicle to start its progress forward through the light and on to your final destination, wherever that may be.

A green light does not, however, mean that you should sit there and do nothing, preventing several vehicles behind yours from moving forward through the light before it turns back to red, thus delaying their journey. This happened this morning.

A green light also does not mean that, when you get to it, you slow down, then stop, and look around. That is what a RED light is for. If you are color blind, that is not an excuse...you should know by know that the stopping light is the one at the top, and the going light is the one at the bottom. Even six year olds who aren't even qualified to drive their Razor Scooters know this shit. But apparently you, a licensed driver, presumably, and a grown adult, statistically probable, do not. Let me educate you in simple, basic English.

GREEN MEANS GO. GREEN MEANS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!, UNLIKE YOUR WORTHLESS FUCKING ASS, I HAVE PLACES TO BE. GREEN MEANS MOVE YOUR ASS, YOU DUMB SHIT, AND TAKE THAT OVERPRICED PIECE OF CRAP WITH YOU. GREEN DOES NOT MEAN STOP. GREEN NEVER MEANS STOP! GREEN HAS NEVER MEANT STOP. GREEN GO. RED STOP. GET THAT THROUGH THAT LARGE PIECE OF WASTED CARBON PERCHED ATOP YOUR NECK THAT PASSES FOR A HEAD, YOU FUCK!

I yearn for the day of legal fender-mounted machine gun turrets.

[laborcat]

Attention, Key West drivers! And I mean both locals and tourists alike, thank you very much. It's time we discussed what a green light means.

<snip>

Let me educate you in simple, basic English.

GREEN MEANS GO. GREEN MEANS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!, UNLIKE YOUR WORTHLESS FUCKING ASS, I HAVE PLACES TO BE. GREEN MEANS MOVE YOUR ASS, YOU DUMB SHIT, AND TAKE THAT OVERPRICED PIECE OF CRAP WITH YOU. GREEN DOES NOT MEAN STOP. GREEN NEVER MEANS STOP! GREEN HAS NEVER MEANT STOP. GREEN GO. RED STOP. GET THAT THROUGH THAT LARGE PIECE OF WASTED CARBON PERCHED ATOP YOUR NECK THAT PASSES FOR A HEAD, YOU FUCK!

Damn, Jester, tell 'em how you really feel... then when you get done come up here to Ohio and say it again.

[wolfie]

If you are color blind, that is not an excuse...you should know by know that the stopping light is the one at the top, and the going light is the one at the bottom. Even six year olds who aren't even qualified to drive their Razor Scooters know this shit.

GREEN DOES NOT MEAN STOP. GREEN NEVER MEANS STOP! GREEN HAS NEVER MEANT STOP. GREEN GO. RED STOP.

Point #1: Have you ever been to Montreal? A lot of their traffic lights are set up side-by-side, rather than one-above-the-other. In other words, no light is at the top, and no light is at the bottom. How are the colour-blind supposed to know which is which?

On occasion, I've seen weigh stations where the "open/closed" sign used small lights to make up the outlines of the words. Some of them use green for "open" and red for "closed". Since trucks are required to pull in at weigh stations (some will have a pre-screening "weigh in motion" and send anyone who's obviously nowhere near the legal limit back to the highway, some run everyone over the platform scale where you have to stop), there are some cases where green means stop.

[slavetotheman]

Point #1: Have you ever been to Montreal? A lot of their traffic lights are set up side-by-side, rather than one-above-the-other. In other words, no light is at the top, and no light is at the bottom. How are the colour-blind supposed to know which is which?

Easy: Red on the left, yellow in the middle, green on the right. Fun fact: in some parts of the world, they have two red lights on the horizontal bar, one on the left and another on the right, which all but eliminates any confusion for the color-blind, unless of course one of them is burned out...