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Wherein Things Get Figured Out
Still a bit on the lean side as I have to trim quite a bit now. ><
Hot Tips
SC: “I just figured something out!”
…..This proclamation worries me. Do you mean figured out as in “I finally figured out how pants work” or figured out as in “I finally figured out that the president of France is one of the lizard people”.
( He is. )
SC: “Like, patterns and mathematics, the way you can catch every single serial killer on the planet Earth!”
What, with math? Of course! If there’s one thing that can prevent homicide, it’s Algebra.
SC: “I know they follow a certain pattern. All the people they catch are already on file.”
I for one am not following your particular pattern here. But I am afraid to ask you to elaborate.
SC: “So I know this, if you were to find all registered sex offenders and get all the DNA samples of all of them. Give them an injection into their spinal column that you can follow through a satellite.”
…Tha….wait, what? I don’t see how that even….what does that have to do with…..dammit man, why do you do this? So the plan to catch every serial killer in the world is to cheek swab every sex offender than implant them with GPS? That’s it? That’s the entire plan? How does that help? I mean not all serial killers are sex offenders and not all sex offenders are serial killers. I’m also pretty sure the court can’t order you to get a TomTom grafted to your spine. I think the best you can hope for is a lovely ankle bracelet.
The most unsettling part about all of this, is that this was clearly a “Eureka!” moment for you.
Yep, That's All I Do Here
SC: “Oh, did I get you out of bed?”
Oh yeah, totally. Once everyone else leaves I just string a hammock between the pillar and the supervisor’s desk then go straight to bed. You’re just lucky the call bing woke me up. Otherwise I just sleep straight through every single shift. Then I somehow manage to get up at 5:45am sharp right before the first operator arrives so I can dismantle my sleeping arrangements. It wasn’t easy getting a hammock in here you know. It was too conspicuous to just bring one in. So I had to make one from staples, tape and napkins. For my next project I’m planning on stapling together a tent with paper scraps from the recycling bin and plastic straws I'm smuggling in from 7/11.
All You Have To Do Is Ask
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “3”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “3 lucky ones.”
Ah, right, sorry! Silly me. Here I was about to grab you 3 of the regular tickets which we normally only print during the Witching Hour with ink made from the ashes of cremated monkey paws. Sorry about that. I’ll get you 3 of the other ones that just use regular printer ink. Not quite as fancy, but I promise we do keep a rabbit’s foot on top of the toner cartridge.
Curveball
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “….Uhhh…….”
Yes, sorry, that was a bit of a curveball wasn’t it? My apologies. Please, take a minute if you have too. This is a hard one.
SC: “Shannon.”
Me: “How do you spell that, please?”
SC: “….S-H………uh….”
The hits just keep on coming, don’t they? Look, let me level with you here. It’s only going to get harder from here on out. In fact you’re still only on the first hurdle. Heck, not even the first hurdle. You’re basically face down in the dirt at the starting line still. Twitching spastically and trying to draw a doggy in the dirt with your finger. This truly does not bode well for you, or me for that matter. Please, reconsider this course of action. I will think no less of you if you just hang up and walk away while you still can. I will, however, think less of you the longer this goes on and I really don’t think much of you to begin with. My opinion of you was dangerously low to begin with. I’m going to need a shovel if you insist on continuing.
What?
Me: “And your phone number, please?”
SC: “My mother’s maiden name?”
…....Sure, why not. I'm too tired to argue. Heck, just tell me whatever comes to mind. Ignore what I’m actually asking, it’s not important. Toss whatever you want out there. I’ll figure it out. Just as long as you’re having fun, that’s the important part!
Lord Stanley
They are quite lively out there this evening, with good reason I suppose. However, the level of rabblerousing by Canucks fans outside this evening has forced me to ask questions that do not typically cross my mind on the way to work. Such as “Why does this man have a beer in one hand and a lightsaber in the other?”.
( To which the answer, I assume, is “Living the dream”. )
Spare Tire
SC: “I just bought a pair of Nike’s the other day.”
Congratulations. What precisely do you require my assistance with, if you already possess the item you desired? I should point out that regardless of the difficulty you are having attempting to tie them, I cannot provide tech support for a Nike product. You will have to inquire with Nike directly if you need step by step directions in tying your shoes.
SC: “and I, uh, lost one. So I wanna order another pair.”
You…..lost one? And now you want to order another pair? Bravo. No, truly, I must applaud your accomplishments here. I mean, you literally received your shoes 48 hours ago and have already lost a shoe. Not both shoes, as that would be somewhat excusable as perhaps you’re not quite sure where you left them or something. But just one shoe. Losing just one shoe takes effort.
Well, look on the bright side, now you’ll have three shoes. So if you lose one, you still have a spare! It may not be the right foot, but I get the feeling you probably don’t wear shoes on the right feet anyhow. So having two lefts or two rights likely won’t be much of a problem.
Meh
SC: “If you just want cash for the grand prize, how much do you get?”
Me: “The cash option is 1 million.”
SC: “Oh that’s ok, that’s not bad.”
My favourite part about this is that by your tone of voice it sounds like you’re seriously expecting to win it. You’re not calling because you’re curious about the prizes, you’re calling to find out what sort of budget you have for your shopping spree tomorrow. You’re quite confidently putting the cart before the horse. In fact you’ve got the cart so far ahead of the horse its technically in a different time zone waiting for its connection flight.
I also like how 1 million is “Not bad”. You sounded momentarily elated, but then suddenly downgraded your assessment to depressed “Not bad”. As if 1 million dollars is good enough, I guess, if you have to take it. I mean it’s such an inconvenience, but if you insist I could take that 1 million dollars off your hands. I suppose. If you really don’t want it.
I Wonder Why
SC: “This is like the 7th time I’ve called! Nobody calls me back!”
Perhaps someone in the office is actually paying attention to the time stamps and has noted that you have called 7 times in the dead of night from Louisiana about a flier you got in the mail 3 days ago. If I were them, that would definitely land you on some sort of watch list. Likely one that includes express instructions to sales reps that if they must visit you in person, they do not make eye contact nor at any time allow themselves to be lured inside of your home. If possible, they should also travel in pairs with a “safety buddy” while on your property.
Sigh
Me: “And your postal code, please?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Me: “………..”
SC: “………..”
I appreciate your honestly, yet lament your total lack of foresight.
I Tried
Me: “How may I help you?”
SC: “I’m thinking here.”
I think history has proven that despite my best efforts I cannot in any way shape or form help any of you think better. I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried. I’ve tried coaching, coaxing, bribing, using small words, drawing diagrams and a variety of other methods to reach callers that should rightly embarrass both of us in their simplicity. Yet it has, thus far, all been for naught. So whilst I hear your earnest plea for assistance, I fear I can be of no help.
One Last Note
To the disgruntled Bruins fan that tore down ( and up ) our building's Canuck sign in the middle of the night then tossed it on the ground: Fark you, and your jersey.
annnd rest. -.-
Hot Tips
SC: “I just figured something out!”
…..This proclamation worries me. Do you mean figured out as in “I finally figured out how pants work” or figured out as in “I finally figured out that the president of France is one of the lizard people”.
( He is. )
SC: “Like, patterns and mathematics, the way you can catch every single serial killer on the planet Earth!”
What, with math? Of course! If there’s one thing that can prevent homicide, it’s Algebra.
SC: “I know they follow a certain pattern. All the people they catch are already on file.”
I for one am not following your particular pattern here. But I am afraid to ask you to elaborate.
SC: “So I know this, if you were to find all registered sex offenders and get all the DNA samples of all of them. Give them an injection into their spinal column that you can follow through a satellite.”
…Tha….wait, what? I don’t see how that even….what does that have to do with…..dammit man, why do you do this? So the plan to catch every serial killer in the world is to cheek swab every sex offender than implant them with GPS? That’s it? That’s the entire plan? How does that help? I mean not all serial killers are sex offenders and not all sex offenders are serial killers. I’m also pretty sure the court can’t order you to get a TomTom grafted to your spine. I think the best you can hope for is a lovely ankle bracelet.
The most unsettling part about all of this, is that this was clearly a “Eureka!” moment for you.
Yep, That's All I Do Here
SC: “Oh, did I get you out of bed?”
Oh yeah, totally. Once everyone else leaves I just string a hammock between the pillar and the supervisor’s desk then go straight to bed. You’re just lucky the call bing woke me up. Otherwise I just sleep straight through every single shift. Then I somehow manage to get up at 5:45am sharp right before the first operator arrives so I can dismantle my sleeping arrangements. It wasn’t easy getting a hammock in here you know. It was too conspicuous to just bring one in. So I had to make one from staples, tape and napkins. For my next project I’m planning on stapling together a tent with paper scraps from the recycling bin and plastic straws I'm smuggling in from 7/11.
All You Have To Do Is Ask
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “3”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “3 lucky ones.”
Ah, right, sorry! Silly me. Here I was about to grab you 3 of the regular tickets which we normally only print during the Witching Hour with ink made from the ashes of cremated monkey paws. Sorry about that. I’ll get you 3 of the other ones that just use regular printer ink. Not quite as fancy, but I promise we do keep a rabbit’s foot on top of the toner cartridge.
Curveball
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “….Uhhh…….”
Yes, sorry, that was a bit of a curveball wasn’t it? My apologies. Please, take a minute if you have too. This is a hard one.
SC: “Shannon.”
Me: “How do you spell that, please?”
SC: “….S-H………uh….”
The hits just keep on coming, don’t they? Look, let me level with you here. It’s only going to get harder from here on out. In fact you’re still only on the first hurdle. Heck, not even the first hurdle. You’re basically face down in the dirt at the starting line still. Twitching spastically and trying to draw a doggy in the dirt with your finger. This truly does not bode well for you, or me for that matter. Please, reconsider this course of action. I will think no less of you if you just hang up and walk away while you still can. I will, however, think less of you the longer this goes on and I really don’t think much of you to begin with. My opinion of you was dangerously low to begin with. I’m going to need a shovel if you insist on continuing.
What?
Me: “And your phone number, please?”
SC: “My mother’s maiden name?”
…....Sure, why not. I'm too tired to argue. Heck, just tell me whatever comes to mind. Ignore what I’m actually asking, it’s not important. Toss whatever you want out there. I’ll figure it out. Just as long as you’re having fun, that’s the important part!
Lord Stanley
They are quite lively out there this evening, with good reason I suppose. However, the level of rabblerousing by Canucks fans outside this evening has forced me to ask questions that do not typically cross my mind on the way to work. Such as “Why does this man have a beer in one hand and a lightsaber in the other?”.
( To which the answer, I assume, is “Living the dream”. )
Spare Tire
SC: “I just bought a pair of Nike’s the other day.”
Congratulations. What precisely do you require my assistance with, if you already possess the item you desired? I should point out that regardless of the difficulty you are having attempting to tie them, I cannot provide tech support for a Nike product. You will have to inquire with Nike directly if you need step by step directions in tying your shoes.
SC: “and I, uh, lost one. So I wanna order another pair.”
You…..lost one? And now you want to order another pair? Bravo. No, truly, I must applaud your accomplishments here. I mean, you literally received your shoes 48 hours ago and have already lost a shoe. Not both shoes, as that would be somewhat excusable as perhaps you’re not quite sure where you left them or something. But just one shoe. Losing just one shoe takes effort.
Well, look on the bright side, now you’ll have three shoes. So if you lose one, you still have a spare! It may not be the right foot, but I get the feeling you probably don’t wear shoes on the right feet anyhow. So having two lefts or two rights likely won’t be much of a problem.
Meh
SC: “If you just want cash for the grand prize, how much do you get?”
Me: “The cash option is 1 million.”
SC: “Oh that’s ok, that’s not bad.”
My favourite part about this is that by your tone of voice it sounds like you’re seriously expecting to win it. You’re not calling because you’re curious about the prizes, you’re calling to find out what sort of budget you have for your shopping spree tomorrow. You’re quite confidently putting the cart before the horse. In fact you’ve got the cart so far ahead of the horse its technically in a different time zone waiting for its connection flight.
I also like how 1 million is “Not bad”. You sounded momentarily elated, but then suddenly downgraded your assessment to depressed “Not bad”. As if 1 million dollars is good enough, I guess, if you have to take it. I mean it’s such an inconvenience, but if you insist I could take that 1 million dollars off your hands. I suppose. If you really don’t want it.
I Wonder Why
SC: “This is like the 7th time I’ve called! Nobody calls me back!”
Perhaps someone in the office is actually paying attention to the time stamps and has noted that you have called 7 times in the dead of night from Louisiana about a flier you got in the mail 3 days ago. If I were them, that would definitely land you on some sort of watch list. Likely one that includes express instructions to sales reps that if they must visit you in person, they do not make eye contact nor at any time allow themselves to be lured inside of your home. If possible, they should also travel in pairs with a “safety buddy” while on your property.
Sigh
Me: “And your postal code, please?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Me: “………..”
SC: “………..”
I appreciate your honestly, yet lament your total lack of foresight.
I Tried
Me: “How may I help you?”
SC: “I’m thinking here.”
I think history has proven that despite my best efforts I cannot in any way shape or form help any of you think better. I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried. I’ve tried coaching, coaxing, bribing, using small words, drawing diagrams and a variety of other methods to reach callers that should rightly embarrass both of us in their simplicity. Yet it has, thus far, all been for naught. So whilst I hear your earnest plea for assistance, I fear I can be of no help.
One Last Note
To the disgruntled Bruins fan that tore down ( and up ) our building's Canuck sign in the middle of the night then tossed it on the ground: Fark you, and your jersey.
annnd rest. -.-
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