The top ten things you would love to say at work.

[Enigma]

-" Thank you for choosing _______, My name is ______, How can I ruin your life today?"

-"Thank you for choosing _____, my name is ______, what will you be screaming at me for today?"

[DisgruntledBadger]

Top 10 Things I Wish I Could Have Said At The Pizza Place...

10) There's this concept called tipping your waitress. Tipping your waitress means that said waitress will be far less likely to track you down later and do many very unpleasant things to you.

9) You. Entitlement-whore-sorority-twit. You are obviously underage. What makes you think you can bring booze into my restaurant? Out, out, damn b*tch!

8) Oh, you want to change your order from delivery to pickup, and it's already left the store, and you want to yell at me about it? Fine. Drag yourself in here. In space and in the walk-in cooler, nobody can hear you scream.

7) You may think that your screaming toddler who scribbles crayon all over the dining room walls and excrement all over the bathroom walls is adorable, but I and my coworkers do not. Therefore, since you cannot control said toddler, *you* get to clean up the mess. (If I had a dollar for every time that happened, I would never need to work again.)

6) Sorry, Mr. Drunken Obnoxious Fratboy, I have less than no interest in going to a "like, really cool" party with you so that you can spike my drink with roofies. I prefer to date my own species. Go set your head on fire.

5) No, I don't work here. I'm just standing behind this register so that I'm closer to the big scary knives for when the inevitable psychotic break occurs. Care to stick around?

4) This is NOT Pizza Hut. We do not carry a Meat Lovers' pizza, or a Veggie Lovers' pizza, or any of that other garbage. Get that through your thick skull or I will get it through your skull with this handy baseball bat.

3) Yes, I am aware that my boss is crazy. Yes, I realize that he screamed at you and cussed you out. He does this to me on a daily basis. You, at least, can walk out mid-rant and not lose your job about it.

2) No, the fact that I am from South Carolina does not mean I am dumber than a box of hammers. Yes, I am aware that my accent is not very noticeable. Yes, I am quite well aware that the Civil War is over. Yes, I am quite aware that "your side" won. No, it has not escaped my attention that central Pennsylvania is significantly colder than coastal South Carolina. What you need to be aware of is this: every time you speak, I am picturing you being slapped in the face with a dead fish. And oh, how it entertains me.

And the number one thing I wish I could've said?

"You're an idiot. Get the hell outta my store."

[DesignFox]

Heh. I've got a few more to add now that I work cell phones.

1) Your phone was obviously thrown against a wall. No, warranty exchange will NOT replace your obviously abused phone. I don't care how much you yell or how much you deny having damaged it.

2) You can tell me all you want that you didn't throw your phone in the washing machine- that great little indicator here tells me otherwise. No, warranty exchange will NOT replace your phone! Try not abusing it next time...or for the love of all things sensible- buy insurance if you're a clumsy fool.

3) WHAT did you DO to your PHONE?!!? Jeez, it IS a piece of electronics you know!

4) No, I don't date creepy guys... or their sons...

5) Get your drunk ass out of here!

6) No- that phone isn't free! Just because you can get 'a' free phone doesn't mean it can be 'any' phone. The good ones cost money- dingbat.

7) You don't have a contract? You destroyed your phone and have no insurance? Tough noogies. Pay up. Whining about the price of the phones will not make them magically become free.

8) I'm closed. F*** off. Pointing at the hours on the door and then pointing to your watch will not make me unlock the door. Try getting here any of the other 13 hours we are actually open.

9) If you reek of alcohol- get out of my store you damn drunk!

10) Just because you didn't pay your bill, and the company shut your service off does not mean customer service sucks and the company is terrible. Pay your fucking bill..better yet, pay it on time!

[Kitten in the box]

10) And your point would be.....?
09) People like you make me laugh...no seriously.
08) If you didn't want it in the first place then why the F*!&$ did you bring it up in the first place??
07) Im busy. Go away.
06) Im eating. Begone.
05) I really DO NOT want to hear about your ailments
04) Why can't you do it yourself?
03) Ask me if I care.
02) Although its obvious you do NOTneed help out....would you like it anyways?
01) Kitten has gone home for the evening....take a message.

[DisgruntledBadger]

Top 10 Things I'd Like To Say While Working In The Massage Clinic:

10) If you had shown up for your appointment 15 minutes early LIKE WE TOLD YOU TO TWICE OVER THE PHONE, then I wouldn't have to dock 15 minutes off of your massage time. Learn to listen, please.

9) While I'm sure you are absolutely enthralled about the events in the life of your kids/cats/spouse/alien from planet Gorgulon, I really do not want to listen to you go on about it for two hours. Just shush and take a nap.

8) No, it does not mean that you are gay if you are assigned a student therapist who is the same gender as you. Really. I promise. Please stop talking now.

7) I do not do house calls. Stop asking me already!

6) Yes, I am aware that paying approx. $40 for an hour's massage seems overpriced to you. You have made this painfully clear. How about you take your issues to our competitors and pay upwards of $50 for an hour's massage and quit infecting my space with your powers of annoyance?

5) For the love of all things holy, lie BETWEEN the sheets. Not on top of both of them. Not underneath both of them with your bare self on the bare massage table. There are two sheets for a reason!

4) If you want a full-body massage, that means I will be working on your hands, arms, neck, legs, and back. That means that you need to strip down to your skivvies. You will have sheets draped over you. No, I am not telling you this because I want to see your bare butt. OH GOD, NO. PUT THE SHEET BACK ON.

3) You really do not need to know details of my personal life. No, really. You don't. You also don't need to ask me on dates every thirty seconds. While I appreciate the compliment on my massage skills, I am not interested in you.

2) No, I will not charge you half price because you're a college student/ it's Wednesday/ your mother-in-law is in town/ whatever other doofus reason you're about to throw at me. I am not in charge of the prices. I am a STUDENT.

1)WE DO NOT GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS. STOP ASKING. YOU ARE CREEPY.

[BusyBee]

10) We have these big pieces of cardboard blocking the computer screen from your view for a reason. Stop leaning way over the counter so you can try and see around it!

9) Just because it's DUE back today, does not mean it WILL be back today. Why? Because our customers are unreliable and lazy. It has nothing to do with me.

8) (When calling people on the overdue list.) You have one of our movies. We want it back. Now.

7) I'm sorry, this store is a no children zone. You'll have to tie them up outside.

6) Y'know, I'm not that fond of treasure hunts. So STOP picking up movies and leaving them EVERYWHERE but where you GOT them from!

5) Just because I'm female doesn't mean I can't read the number off the screen saying you have late fees.

4) Asking a male staff member will not magically make your late fees/problem status go away.

3) (To my boss, for the numerous times he's left me on my own for THREE HOURS while he's supposed to be working... and getting paid for those hours.) Oh great, you're here. Ok, so, I'm going to take my "dinner break" now... I'll see you at the end of my shift!

2) (To my boss or my boss's boss or even head office.) You don't pay me past 9pm. So I'm not staying past 9pm. That means either I lock the door and do the closing at quarter to 9, or the person who comes in in the morning can deal with all the money and papers after I lock the door and leave at 9pm. You decide.

1) I can't be bothered getting up. Go away.

[draggar]

11: (To a certain sales rep): LEARN HOW TO SPELL!!!

10: Get your head out of your ass, you are no more important than the other customers.

9: I don't care if you lost a multi-billion dollar deal because your free phone dropped a call, that's serious business irresponsibility on your part.

8: No, the free phone will NOT perform like the $600 one. I don't expect my Kia to perform like an Aston Marton, do I?

7: (To corporate): GROW THE F*** UP!! Quit squabbling over who's better than who and backstabbing each other and let us TAKE CARE OF THE F***ING CUSTOMERS!!!

6: If you had read the tech ticket before you signed it you would have seen that you were agreeing to a $55 charge.

5: Just because you have a broken phone doesn't mean we have to swap you out for the top of the line model. It's a repair program, not a free upgrade service.

4: Your 5 year old $700 phone is worthless now and a phone that has the same features is now $200. That's what you're getting.

3: Yes, you are getting a refurbished phone. If you don't like that, you can send it to the manufacturer where they'll take 2-3 weeks to fix it and when you get it back, it will be REFURBISHED.

2: R.T.F.M.

1: Just because you pay a monthly service fee doesn't mean we have to kiss your ass.

[tenzilkem]

10. No sir, you go screw Yourself.
9. No you can't have a free computer!
8. No I cannot get you free access to porn sites
7. Absolutely, if you want to go to our competitors, go for it.
6. Super! I am glad you hoarded all 50 of your systems as they broke down so you could call them in at once, even though I can only do 1 case per system at a time.
5. Really, we wanted outlook to die so you couldn't get your pictures of your grandkids.
4. Yes we CAN make the serial numbers smaller if you really, really want us to.
3. Yeah it's normal when a computer shoots out sparks and smoke.
2. Please guess at what I am about to tell you so you can be 3 steps ahead of me in the wrong direction.
1. Really, if you know so damn much, how come you are calling me for help!

[AirHostess]

I would like to tell most of my passengers to **** off.

[B&NGoddess]

10. the time is now 11pm, so get the fuck out.

9. no, you can't have it for free just because it won't scan. not yours.

8. are you fucking kidding me right now?

7. just because i work here doesn't make me an idiot.

6. (in response to "where yo' foreign language dictionaries at?") shouldn't you learn english before tackling another language?

5. there is no amorphous "they." think about what you're saying before you ask if "they" have a book.

4. no, i dont know where the bathroom is. let me know when you find it cuz i've had to go for an hour.

3. if i ask you to repeat yourself more than once, its time to spit out the marbles and sober up before you call and ask a question.

2. denied!

1. no, i don't work here. today is my own personal halloween.

[DesignFox]

[QUOTE=draggar;104359]
3: Yes, you are getting a refurbished phone. If you don't like that, you can send it to the manufacturer where they'll take 2-3 weeks to fix it and when you get it back, it will be REFURBISHED.
QUOTE]

God I love that! I soooo had the biggest problem with a customer like that!

[DGoddessChardonnay]

1)WE DO NOT GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS. STOP ASKING. YOU ARE CREEPY.

Should I even be asking what kind of "happy endings" we're discussing here?

Er, yeah . . . perverted minds need to know these things.

[Greenday]

1. There's grease on the grill? Really? I care.
2. You're drunk, that's why I won't serve you.
3. Yes, I'd love to have a beer. No, I'd get fired.
4. No, you cannot borrow my handcart. No, you cannot borrow it for $10. My boss says no too.
5. No, I can't sell you beer. You are underage. Of course someone will know. We have state troopers patrolling the track and when they find you with the beer, they'll ask how you got it stupid.
6. I'll only give you free pills if you promise to take enough that you'll never be able to bother me again.
7. Unload your truck for you, when both your sons, whom you are paying, do nothing? Not a chance.
8. No, we didn't used to close later. We've closed at 10pm every day but Sunday for YEARS. You'll pay the extra day and you'll like it.
9. I'm on break, leave me the hell alone.
10. Of course the burger isn't as big as it was when it started cooking. All the water in it evaporated which makes it shrink. Did you think it was going to somehow grow?

[Shironu-Akaineko]

10. Could you make your question more vague? I'm understanding way too much what you want here.

9. Such a gossiping society and yet you STILL don't know we don't make cakes here.

8. "Thwack" Now how can you throw a tantrum for candy if you don't have any teeth to chew it, honey?

7. We can either sit here all day while you get your things in order, or you can call back when you know what you want. I'd go for option 2 myself.

6. See this? *moves head around* It's called a NECK. It works like a PIVOT. You use it to look around you so you don't run your basket up my arse!

5. If you drive your car like you do your cart, I'm GLAD you leave the store before me.

4. Look. You wanted a bakery employee. So talk to ME, and believe what I say!!!

3. Sorry I don't know where everything is, I'm stuck behind a fscking wall of beer all day!

2. STOP PUTTING BREADS IN MY CAKES/MUFFINS/PIES/BAGELS!!!!

1. STOP HIDING PERISHABLES IN MY STOCK!!!