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GIMME SOME OF THAT THAR NAPALM

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  • GIMME SOME OF THAT THAR NAPALM

    At the swamp, we carry a product called Napa Firelites. It's a decorative ceramic pot, with a reservoir inside for a gel fuel specifically designed for it, and you fill up the pot with the fuel, light the wick and have an outdoor candle.

    Or at least we used to carry it, because it's been recalled due to a nasty tendency to blow up in people's faces as fuel is added. Because the fuel itself is a gel, water won't necessarily extinguish it if it ignites and it clings to your skin. So we have five shopping carts of pots and gel fuel in the backroom awaiting disposition. They absolutely can't go back to the floor unless and until corporate says it's okay.

    And as luck would have it, those pots are prominently featured in our Super Duper Uber Mega Super Stupendous Lowest Prices of the Season sale flyer, at a significant discount, so people today were asking where they could find them, and I had to tell them they weren't available due to the recall.

    It may surprise you, or not, to learn that several people wouldn't take no for an answer. A couple people complained "false advertising!!!!111!!one!" because we had something in our ad that wasn't available. Another insisted I go in the back and get her a pot and fuel anyway.

    Y'know, if it weren't for liability laws and me needing to work to live, I'd be severely tempted to supply these pots of napalm to those idiots, so that they may literally DIAF. Seriously, no means no, and there are signs in the patio department indicating the fire pots have been recalled and are not available. Why must people continue to press the issue?
    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

    "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

  • #2
    The inner pyro in me wants one. The Customer Service person in me is severely trying to beat the inner pyro in me down.

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    • #3
      I was thinking the same thing Ellf. I could have a lot of fun with that and idiot drivers.
      Coffee should be strong, black and chewy! It should strip paint and frighten small children.

      My blog Darkwynd's Musings

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      • #4
        I love the smell of napalm in the Swamp. Smells like victory.
        To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

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        • #5
          Time for a bonfire in the parking lot. Is anybody parked in the fire lane?
          When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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          • #6
            Sounds like a temptation to let natural selection run it's course
            Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! - Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

            This is Tech Support, not Customer Service.
            What's the difference?
            We're allowed to tell you "no".

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            • #7
              Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
              Because the fuel itself is a gel, water won't necessarily extinguish it if it ignites and it clings to your skin.
              Nice to know there's been a "use" found for Greek fire.
              It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

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              • #8
                Quoth Pagan View Post
                Nice to know there's been a "use" found for Greek fire.
                The original recipe for Greek Fire was lost to the ages. Perhaps it's been discovered again in the swamp?
                I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                My LiveJournal
                A page we can all agree with!

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                • #9
                  OMFG we have that shit at my job, back in receiving awaiting... 'what', I don't know.
                  I had to pull only one of those back a few months because of
                  ' safety issues' but the same shit in different sizes were left on the shelf...I remember thinking something isn't right about this recall...smells like a shit sandwich and it is.
                  I grew up in the 60's and 70's and we had a saying,' The FUCKING MAN' Yep....

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                  • #10
                    Quoth plantlvr View Post
                    I remember thinking something isn't right about this recall...smells like a shit sandwich and it is.
                    (
                    The real shit sandwich here is apparently we have to have it in huge red letters that pouring flammable liquid on an open flame causes fire.

                    And even that won't dissuade some people.
                    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                    "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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                    • #11
                      Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                      The real shit sandwich here is apparently we have to have it in huge red letters that pouring flammable liquid on an open flame causes fire.

                      And even that won't dissuade some people.
                      It's sad that our society has to have warnings to tell people that shit that is PRONE TO CATCH ON FIRE should not be put anywhere NEAR FIRE!!
                      Last edited by CrazedClerkthe2nd; 06-23-2011, 04:16 PM.
                      "If we refund your money, give you a free replacement and shoot the manager, then will you be happy?" - sign seen in a restaurant

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                      • #12
                        Quoth MoonCat View Post
                        Time for a bonfire in the parking lot. Is anybody parked in the fire lane?
                        Don't be silly, of COURSE someone is parked there. The store's not on fire (yet), is it? Why else would you reserve this spot for me and my fellow EW Crew?
                        "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                        "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                        "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                        "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                        "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                        "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                        Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                        "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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                        • #13
                          I was just thinking, a maltov cocktail would go down quite nicely.

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                            pouring flammable liquid on an open flame causes fire.
                            How else are you supposed to get the barbeque hot enough?
                            "I can tell her you're all tied up in the projection room." Sunset Boulevard.

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                            • #15
                              But the fire is supposed to know there's a person standing over it and to not go in their face! (I swear that's what some of the idjits must think)

                              Don't get me started on this society's over-dependence on warning labels...they didn't even exist in mom's day and when I was a pup and we both have all our appendages.
                              "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                              "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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