It's All A Conspiracy

[Canarr]

No, I hung up on him. ;p I have very little tolerence for abusive callers and our managers will back you up on it. ( <3 )

Well, good for you. Not so good for that douchebag...

[Talon]

Me: “And your first name please, sir?”
SC: “Uuhhhhh…….ummmmm……”

Does he prefer "Mr. ummmmm", or he's ok with the informal "Uuhhhh"?

Ahhh, a newcomer. This must be your first time using the magic box to speak with what we refer to as “Civilization”.

Hope he's prepared for the randomly-spawning barbarians. I'd warn him that a tank can, in fact, be defeated by a phalanx, but I doubt he'd get that far. Can you imagine how he'd answer when the inevitable usurper claims he's not the rightful king and tests his knowledge? "Uuuuhhhhh...". Word of his lack of knowledge spreadeth throughout the realm, and the soldiers and settlers returned to their homes.

SC: “All these guards, they’re all together, you know what I mean?”

Yup, they're all joined together to form one giant Mega-guard.

The conspiracy is everywhere. The city, the police, your resident manager, you name it. All for the sake of Timbits. They have a permit because they can clock OT hours working overnight which directly translates into yet more funds for Timbits. You have no idea how far the conspiracy goes and whose in on it! Why, it goes all the way up to Parliament. Legislating Canada Post back to work? Every day they spend not at work is another day they don’t stop at Tim Hortons on the way to work.

No one knows the true masterminds behind it. They are shadowy figures known only as the Sugar Coated Seven, and much like the chocolate Timbits, they’re already gone by the time you get to them.

Well played sir

[Becks]

Just me, a donkey and half a ton of Columbian dark roast.

That's one hell of a fetish you've got.

[KhirasHY]

*hugs*

I missed you, GK. I missed you so much...I need to come by more often

[Stryker One]

Me: “Alright, I will page the on call tech and have him return your call shortly-“
SC: “Oh my goodness, really? That is so soon! Thank you so much!”

Shorty? Exactly how do you define "shortly"?

[Jester]

Just me, a donkey and half a ton of Columbian dark roast.

Which is probably better than you, a mule, and a half ton of Columbian....well, never mind.

SC: “Uh……what's an “address”?”

Every time I start thinking your callers really can't be that stupid, one of them rears its ugly brain pan to prove me wrong. This question is a classic, and for all the wrong reasons.

I don’t need to know that you generally live on a couch or in your living room or face down in a snow bank with a blood alcohol level over 0.5.

Actually sounds like me. Only without the snowbank. And, sadly, without my glasses. But that's another story.....

I can’t even make fun of you anymore because every wisecrack I make or exaggerated scenario I come up with turns out to be dangerously close to reality.

Snap BACK to reality--

Oh, wait. Whoops. Sorry. Was suddenly possessed by the spirit of Eminem. Now, where were we?

C: “You’re very good! You repeat everything!”

Oh, how I've tried to resist saying this here for so long. But to this comment, my willpower is weakened, and I must blurt out:

"That's what SHE said!"

I mean when the thought of making a 3am call to have your printer fixed fills you with wide eyed wonder, you might want to crack a window.

Oh, I think their mood has something to do with crack, all right. Just not sure about the window part....

SC: “I was just arrested wrongfully.”

What parts of the arrest did the officers get wrong? Did they handcuff you backwards again? Man, I've been meaning to talk to them about that. Or did they only beat you within two inches of your life, rather than the standard inch? They really need to practice their arrests and stop making such silly mistakes.

On the Jail Bird scale, you clock in at “Briefly Inconvenienced Chickadee”.

I have no wisecrack for this one. Just wanted to tell you how truly hilarious that particular line was. Brilliant! Brilliant!

SC: “There was someone that made a threat to my life! He said that he was going to break my nose!”

Contrary to your poor grasp of human anatomy, a broken nose is not actually a life threatening injury.

Usually, no. But it can in fact be. For example, if I slam my palm upwards into your nose at the right angle and with the right force, I can actually force the bone from the upper part of the nasal cavity, and perhaps even some of the nasal cartilage, up into the cranium to puncture the brain, resulting in death.

I myself have never done this, but have seen it in many movies. And no, I don't believe everything I see in movies. However, I know this is possible because in addition to the amazing amount of times this is shown in movies, I have talked to combat-trained special forces guys who have been trained in this particular maneuver. And done right....yeah, it is quite literally a bloody mess.

And while I've never actually done this, there have been several people I've fantasized about doing it to. And not all of them customers, either.

Me: “And your name please, sir?”
SC: “Jennifer.”

Jennifer, eh? If you’re a Jennifer, I’m an Amanda.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, and STOP.

Dude, it's 2011. You live in Vancouver, which as I understand it is the Canadian equivalent of Key West. I.e., a bit artsy fartsy and more tolerant of alternative lifestyles than most places. I have no doubt that in both your city and on my island, there ARE guys going by the name of Jennifer. And who are we to dispute it? If they want to be called Jen, I'll call them Jen.

I do, however, draw the line at calling them "Dessert Meat."

So allow me to pass along what I learned to you, the caller, before you take any needless actions. Such as, say, storm out there and threaten to stand in front of their equipment in your bath robe. Which I believe is what happened the last time someone called me about this sort of thing.

Arthur Dent called your line? Wow. You get all the really cool people!

There are lines where I just take a message, and other lines where if it rings, it means somebody is dead. >.>

Not to sound ominous, but I'm sure people here have unknowningly spoken to us before. In fact, I know some of you have from your posts <cough>.

You don't want to sound ominous? You JUST told us that when your bell tolls, it tolls for the dead. You JUST told us that! And THEN you tell us that you know, from having read various posts of ours, that you know some of us have called you or your coworkers. Oh, that doesn't sound spooky at all, dude. Shadowy figure, indeed.

And no, not at ALL ominous.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Arthur Dent called your line? Wow. You get all the really cool people!

Correction. He gets all the hoopy froods.

[Geek King]

Also, re: "Amanda"... for some reason I can now picture a "Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys"-type mystery series where GK is both Hardy and Drew...

Not really that far of a stretch, considering the same woman wrote both series under different pen names

[PatchO'Black]

You know, just when I think this forum can't get any cooler, we get a double act by GraveKeeper and Jester. Bravo!

[Jester]

But Patch, that's pretty much a standard weekly thing. GK posts his weekly post, and at some point, I post my commentary on it.

Did I miss something? Is this new?

[mharbourgirl]

Colombian coffee. From Colombia.

This has been a public service announcement from one of the resident librarians.




I think my fingers will stop twitching now.

[Gravekeeper]

I have no doubt that in both your city and on my island, there ARE guys going by the name of Jennifer.

That was a caller from the barren north. They try to order in the name's of friends and family now and then. Typically to get around the fact they were blacklisted for not paying for their COD order. ;p

You don't want to sound ominous? You JUST told us that when your bell tolls, it tolls for the dead.

Haha, I didn't even do that intentionally.

You know, just when I think this forum can't get any cooler, we get a double act by GraveKeeper and Jester. Bravo!

There's always a complimentary Jester commentary.

[Jester]

That was a caller from the barren north. They try to order in the name's of friends and family now and then. Typically to get around the fact they were blacklisted for not paying for their COD order.

Ah, I missed that part. I just thought the catalog companies were REALLY strict about people ordering only for themselves, and I didn't quite understand what the big deal was.

Ya know, pal, a little explanation goes a long way.

Haha, I didn't even do that intentionally.

Sure you did. You said that when one line rings, it usually means someone is dead. Sounded like you knew exactly what you were saying. How is that unintentional?

There's always a complimentary Jester commentary.

Complimentary? What? You mean I don't get paid for this?

[Jay 2K Winger]

Complimentary? What? You mean I don't get paid for this?

Of course you don't get paid for it, silly Jester.

But he meant "complimentary" in that your comments compliment his OP.

[Chromatix]

Amanda Huggenkiss? I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss!