I'm good thanks, and you? I'm WELL!

[Kristev]

My favorite counter to people asking 'How are you' is to actually tell them.

[BroSCFischer]

"I'm here."

That's my response.

SC

[dragon_wings]

"I'm here."

That's my response.

SC

That was me all day today.

[Jay 2K Winger]

"I was doing better, but then I got over it." Usually makes people do a double take!

Or "Can't complain - noone listens!"

"I'm here."

I've used all three of these when I worked in retail.

[Andara Bledin]

I will sometimes respond to "How're you doing?" with, "Doing the best I can."

^-.-^

[Treasure]

my dad always responds "still breathing"

[Sparky]

I almost always respond with "swell."

How are you today?
I'm swell, what can I do for you?

Swell has a variety of meanings, including "fine," "really great," "in a pretty good mood," "having a decent enough day," and, most commonly, "shut up and get to the point."

I must be honest and admit that I do not work retail, but I do work with the public ergo why I love this site.

I think "swell" is just enough antiquated and unusual that it throws people off. But it's polite enough that they can't complain.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I will sometimes respond to "How're you doing?" with, "Doing the best I can."

^-.-^

I've used that one before but my usual is "So far so good."

[Geek King]

PPP: Hello.
Me: Hi.
PPP: How are you?
Me: I'm good, thanks! How are you?
PPP: I'm well.

Me: (puzzled look) Deep, but wet on the bottom?

[Ironclad Alibi]

I had a classmate who responded to "How're you doing?" with "Fair to middling." It's another somewhat archaic phrase.

[lineswine]

"About average" is my favourite reply to such a question.
What precisely "average" means is anyones' guess.

[Jester]

When people walk into my bar and ask me that, I usually say, enthusiastically, "I'm fantastic! How are you?" Hard to compete with that, and I don't get any of that well/good shit.

That being said, I DO get that well/good shit from my mother all the time. She is constantly correcting my grammar. In that vein, there are two recurring conversations Mom and I have, Mom being the grammarian and myself being the smartass.

MOM: "How are you today?"
JESTER: "I'm good."
MOM: "I'm well."
JESTER: "That's great. But I'm good."

More commonly....

MOM: "So what did you do today?"
JESTER: "Me and Red went to lunch."
MOM: "Red and I."
JESTER: "No, you weren't there. I checked."

No matter how many times I use the same smartass answers, Mom can't help but correct my grammar. She does it to all three of us, not because she's got a superiority complex, but merely because she has excellent grammar and, quite frankly, can't help herself. (To be fair, I have found myself correcting friends' grammar from time to time myself. I blame Mom for that quirk.)

Just as long as she isn't f.i.n.e.

George Carlin: ""How are ya?" "Fine." BULLSHIT! Nobody's 'fine'. Hair is fine. "How's your hair?" "Fine!" That makes a lot more sense to me."

Sometimes when asked how I am I'll say, "Not too shabby." It tends to make a lot of the people I say it to do a double take.

More George: "Not me. I'm not nice, I'm not fine, I'm not great. People ask me how I am, I say, "I'm fairly decent." No superlatives. Nothing to gossip about. I say,"I'm relatively okay." Or 'moderately neato'. Then they have to ask their children how I am. If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I'll look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not unwell, thank you." Which pisses them off 'cause they have to figure that one out for themselves."

I've actually used the "I'm not unwell" one myself on multiple occasions. And George was right....it throws people for a loop.

my dad always responds "still breathing"

I have often responded, "Still upright and conscious." I think your dad and I would get along.

[Food Lady]

If I use any phrase except the super-positive ones like "really good" or "wonderful" or "great", I get an argument or slight catbutt face. It's the midwest culture; we're supposed to deny reality and paint a pretty picture, always. Thus, people here tend to avoid even thinking about the drama going on in the rest of the world. (My stepmom didn't know about 9/11 until 9/13.) So even saying "I'm fine" gets me labelled as the one with the bad attitude. My solution is to avoid answering the question altogether. My answer (since we have to ask anyway) is "Do you have any coupons?" I ask in a bright voice, so most don't even realize I just manipulated the conversation. I have to do an awful lot of conversation manipulation to get through the day.

[Andara Bledin]

MOM: "So what did you do today?"
JESTER: "Me and Red went to lunch."
MOM: "Red and I."
JESTER: "No, you weren't there. I checked."

I apologize in advance for such time as I find myself in your neck of the woods and I do the same thing. For whatever reason, that particular bit of grammatical misstep is on auto-correct in my head and I haven't found the control to turn it off before it hits my mouth.

I correct my bosses all the time. The worst part is that one of them used to be a grade school teacher and should know better.

^-.-^

[lineswine]

How am I? Bloody gradely! (Old Yorkshire dialect for "well", "good" etc.)