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Wherein Charges Are Supposedly Filed
I apologize in advance for how much crazy I apparently hog to myself every shift. I really should try to be more fair and leave some for everyone else.
Preperation
Me: “Do you have an account number?”
SC: “Oh, yeah, but its upstairs.”
So….go and get it? Hey, better yet! Get it before you call! My word, what a glorious idea that is. I need to write that down right now. So that future generations may look upon and benefit from my wisdom. Think of it man! An entire world where people actually come prepared for things. Truly, we could be witnessing the beginning of a golden age of man right here, right now, my friend. Someday you will tell your grand children stories of this day as you fondly look back and wistfully think “Hey, maybe it was kind of stupid to not make sure I had that before I called.”
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
SC: “I’m reporting a crime!”
That…..sounds suspicious like the prelude to a headache.
Me: "I’m sorry?”
SC: “I’m reporting a crime to you!”
Ahhhh, yeah, there we go. That’s the stuff. Right behind the eyes too.
Me: “You would have to call the police for that-“
SC: “I have already! They refused to respond!”
Ah, thank you. That tells me absolutely everything I need to know about you and the veracity of whatever claims you might have from here on out.
SC: “I’m going to go as high as the attorney general’s office!”
Yes, well…good luck with that and all. Run along now.
SC: "There's been a MURDER!"
You know, typically the police are rather interested in that sort of thing. Whilst I, on the other hand, am mainly manning this particular line in the event of security alarms. I have no juristiction over nor capability to investigate crimes.
Whisky Tango Foxtrot #2
SC: "You hung up on me!"
An astute observation.
SC: “It’s very serious what’s going on here!”
You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?
SC: “The detectives won’t return my calls!”
…I can’t imagine why that would be. You seem like such a calm, rational individual.
SC: “The 911 operator refused to respond to my allegations that a murder has been committed!”
Try calling and immediately hanging up. That should do the trick.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #3
SC: “This is Dr Brown, I wish to report a SUSPICIOUS DEATH.”
Right, look. Three things here: A) I have a mysterious, arcane power known as caller ID. B) You still used your real name. C) I’m pretty sure impersonating a doctor is at least mildly illegal.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #4
SC: “I’ve laid information before the watch commander of the RCMP. You will be charged with a criminal offence for not responding to my calls!”
You sir, need help.
( I should probably note here that despite my normally Jedi like composure, I literally did laugh in this guy's face after he said that to me... >.> )
Me: “Sir, this is a security dispatch. We are not the police and have no capability nor obligation to investigate a homicide.”
SC: “It doesn’t matter!”
No offence, but I don’t think you really understand how the RCMP or the legal system as a whole works.
SC: “You’ll be charged with a criminal offence! I’m calling to advise you of that fact!”
Yes, because when you report a crime to the RCMP, they make you go inform the perpetrator of the charges yourself. You know, saves them some leg work.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #5
SC: “I’ve laid information before the RCMP! A certain operator that is answering the phone has been found GUILTY of a criminal offence!”
Ah, so you’ve completed the processing, arrest, arraignment and trial since your last call? That was very nice of you, thank you. That would have been a real pain having to deal with! Whew, I’m glad we can just skip over all of that silliness and proclaim me guilty outright. Hopefully I can make parole by your next call.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #6
SC: "I have just spoken with the attorney general!"
His office is open at 4am? Impressive.
SC: "He has ORDERED you to respond to my calls!"
I'm just going to go out on a limb here. But is the attorney general your dog?
SC: "Or EVERYONE there will be charged!"
Yes yes, but did I get paroled yet?
Good Guess
Me: “And your postal code please, sir?”
SC: “You mean where I am right now?
No, I mean your postal code. As in the one where you live. You know, that dingy rectangular space that smells vaguely like cheese where you return to sleep at night or at the very least crawl back too after you wake up face down at a bus stop in the morning. I do not, however, require the postal code of the 7/11 you are currently standing in. Ordering lottery tickets is not like ordering pizza. They will not be there in 30 minutes or less. But, I suppose if you really want to sit there and wait for them, we can send them there. It’ll probably take a couple of weeks though so I hope you at least brought a lawn chair and something to read. It might be just a bit of a long haul.
Why Do You Do This?
Me: “And your email please, ma’am?”
SC: “DeepThroat69@<domain>.com”
……..Really? You didn’t have another one you could have provided? That’s the only email address you have to work with? You couldn’t have given me your normal ISP email address, or even a Hotmail or Gmail account or something that’s a tad less disturbing? You really just went “Hey, I’m donating to a charity that benefits children, I should totally give them the email address that is undoubtedly the name of a low budget porn movie!”?
Argh
Me: “Do you have an account number with us?”
SC: “Yes, but it’s not here where I am.”
Why not? Did it run away from home? Is it overseas fighting the Germans? Or do you mean “here” in a more immediate sense. As in you’re in the living room but it’s in the kitchen and that’s a distance you’re just not willing to overcome? Perhaps the very act of dialing our number has already winded you, and you would surely perish if you were forced to lead an expedition to the kitchen counter. In which case, my apologies. I did not mean to suggest you should throw your life away for the convenience of shaving 5 minutes off the time it takes to order.
Oh For Fark Sakes
( Property management, someone broke in and in doing so busted out one of the windows in the front doors. IE its a double door. )
Me: “Which of the doors was broken?”
SC: “Um……………………….”
Me: “……….”
SC: “…..um……………let me see…..it’s….uh…..it’s….the first one….it’s the first…..uh…..it’s the…..”
There are only two doors there. They are side by side. This is not a complex question. Even if you were just straight up guessing you’d still have a 50/50 shot at the right answer. Here, let me help me out. Using my immense capabilities of reason I shall corral this rampaging herd of wild possibilities down into a simple either/or inquiry: Left or right?
No.
If you're going to attempt to bum change off of me, please note that I adibe by similar rules to many dining establishments: No shirt, no shoes, no service.
I Hate You
( This company already had about 4 tech support cases open with me... )
Me: “Alright, is this a new issue or do you need an update on an old case?”
SC: “No, it’s a new one. Guess you should have stayed in bed! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “Alright.....what’s the serial number?”
SC: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"
Me: “………Sir?”
SC: “Sorry there. <ahem> I was having some difficu-snerk, hahahaAHAHHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “……………”
SC: “Hahahahehehhehehe, <cough> I’ll have to give you a call back-<snerk>”
You were so overcome by your own “hilarious” wit that you need time to recover? Since you obviously don’t have the capacity for it yourself, allow me to be ashamed and embarrassed on your behalf. It also took half an hour for you to call back. Which I can only assume meant that you spent near half an hour huddled in a corner giggling to yourself like a schoolgirl over your brilliant comedic abilities.
Ah, Right
Me: “And how do you spell your last name please?”
SC: “It’s M-A-Double L-A-R-D"
Me: “Alright, so M-A-L-L-A-R-D?"
SC: “No! Double L.”
Ah, of course. Double L. My apologies, having actually completed Grade 2 on the first attempt, I was unaware there were more than 26 letters in the English alphabet.
Unless You're a Bronie
Dude, seriously. I don't care how low your pants are, how much bling you got on, how bad ass your gang signs are nor how dope the beats you're attempting to drop with your friends might be. You cannot be gangsta with a pastel purple camo backpack on.
Give your little sister her bag back.
Showing Off
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s xxxx HYPHENATED xx”
I see someone has a new word a day calendar.
Arggggghhh
Me: “Alright, and did you want email confirmation of your order?”
SC: “Yes, please.”
Me: “Alright, what is your email address please?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t have an email.”
Then why did you…..ask for the…….why do you do this? Did you think that email would just be delivered to your door with your regular mail? That the mailman would just show up with a laptop? Perhaps you envisioned some sort of eHound? A brave, majestic St Bernard that travels the countryside with a iPhone around its neck?
TMI
SC: “Are you equipped to give somebody a…uh….the bowel movement thing?”
Just a second, let me pen that onto my big list of questions I never, ever, want to hear again in my entire life. Let alone be directed towards me personally.
SC: “Oh, so you wouldn’t know whether or not they’re equipped for an enema?”
I don’t know who your doctor is in this office, but I suddenly feel compelled to sent them a card and some sort of apology gift. I’m not sure if Hallmark makes a card for that or not. I’m guessing no. So I’ll have to improvise. Maybe just go with a general Sympathy card and some candy or something…..er……but definitely not chocolates come to think of it.
Annnnnnd rest.
Preperation
Me: “Do you have an account number?”
SC: “Oh, yeah, but its upstairs.”
So….go and get it? Hey, better yet! Get it before you call! My word, what a glorious idea that is. I need to write that down right now. So that future generations may look upon and benefit from my wisdom. Think of it man! An entire world where people actually come prepared for things. Truly, we could be witnessing the beginning of a golden age of man right here, right now, my friend. Someday you will tell your grand children stories of this day as you fondly look back and wistfully think “Hey, maybe it was kind of stupid to not make sure I had that before I called.”
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
SC: “I’m reporting a crime!”
That…..sounds suspicious like the prelude to a headache.
Me: "I’m sorry?”
SC: “I’m reporting a crime to you!”
Ahhhh, yeah, there we go. That’s the stuff. Right behind the eyes too.
Me: “You would have to call the police for that-“
SC: “I have already! They refused to respond!”
Ah, thank you. That tells me absolutely everything I need to know about you and the veracity of whatever claims you might have from here on out.
SC: “I’m going to go as high as the attorney general’s office!”
Yes, well…good luck with that and all. Run along now.
SC: "There's been a MURDER!"
You know, typically the police are rather interested in that sort of thing. Whilst I, on the other hand, am mainly manning this particular line in the event of security alarms. I have no juristiction over nor capability to investigate crimes.
Whisky Tango Foxtrot #2
SC: "You hung up on me!"
An astute observation.
SC: “It’s very serious what’s going on here!”
You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?
SC: “The detectives won’t return my calls!”
…I can’t imagine why that would be. You seem like such a calm, rational individual.
SC: “The 911 operator refused to respond to my allegations that a murder has been committed!”
Try calling and immediately hanging up. That should do the trick.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #3
SC: “This is Dr Brown, I wish to report a SUSPICIOUS DEATH.”
Right, look. Three things here: A) I have a mysterious, arcane power known as caller ID. B) You still used your real name. C) I’m pretty sure impersonating a doctor is at least mildly illegal.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #4
SC: “I’ve laid information before the watch commander of the RCMP. You will be charged with a criminal offence for not responding to my calls!”
You sir, need help.
( I should probably note here that despite my normally Jedi like composure, I literally did laugh in this guy's face after he said that to me... >.> )
Me: “Sir, this is a security dispatch. We are not the police and have no capability nor obligation to investigate a homicide.”
SC: “It doesn’t matter!”
No offence, but I don’t think you really understand how the RCMP or the legal system as a whole works.
SC: “You’ll be charged with a criminal offence! I’m calling to advise you of that fact!”
Yes, because when you report a crime to the RCMP, they make you go inform the perpetrator of the charges yourself. You know, saves them some leg work.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #5
SC: “I’ve laid information before the RCMP! A certain operator that is answering the phone has been found GUILTY of a criminal offence!”
Ah, so you’ve completed the processing, arrest, arraignment and trial since your last call? That was very nice of you, thank you. That would have been a real pain having to deal with! Whew, I’m glad we can just skip over all of that silliness and proclaim me guilty outright. Hopefully I can make parole by your next call.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #6
SC: "I have just spoken with the attorney general!"
His office is open at 4am? Impressive.
SC: "He has ORDERED you to respond to my calls!"
I'm just going to go out on a limb here. But is the attorney general your dog?
SC: "Or EVERYONE there will be charged!"
Yes yes, but did I get paroled yet?
Good Guess
Me: “And your postal code please, sir?”
SC: “You mean where I am right now?
No, I mean your postal code. As in the one where you live. You know, that dingy rectangular space that smells vaguely like cheese where you return to sleep at night or at the very least crawl back too after you wake up face down at a bus stop in the morning. I do not, however, require the postal code of the 7/11 you are currently standing in. Ordering lottery tickets is not like ordering pizza. They will not be there in 30 minutes or less. But, I suppose if you really want to sit there and wait for them, we can send them there. It’ll probably take a couple of weeks though so I hope you at least brought a lawn chair and something to read. It might be just a bit of a long haul.
Why Do You Do This?
Me: “And your email please, ma’am?”
SC: “DeepThroat69@<domain>.com”
……..Really? You didn’t have another one you could have provided? That’s the only email address you have to work with? You couldn’t have given me your normal ISP email address, or even a Hotmail or Gmail account or something that’s a tad less disturbing? You really just went “Hey, I’m donating to a charity that benefits children, I should totally give them the email address that is undoubtedly the name of a low budget porn movie!”?
Argh
Me: “Do you have an account number with us?”
SC: “Yes, but it’s not here where I am.”
Why not? Did it run away from home? Is it overseas fighting the Germans? Or do you mean “here” in a more immediate sense. As in you’re in the living room but it’s in the kitchen and that’s a distance you’re just not willing to overcome? Perhaps the very act of dialing our number has already winded you, and you would surely perish if you were forced to lead an expedition to the kitchen counter. In which case, my apologies. I did not mean to suggest you should throw your life away for the convenience of shaving 5 minutes off the time it takes to order.
Oh For Fark Sakes
( Property management, someone broke in and in doing so busted out one of the windows in the front doors. IE its a double door. )
Me: “Which of the doors was broken?”
SC: “Um……………………….”
Me: “……….”
SC: “…..um……………let me see…..it’s….uh…..it’s….the first one….it’s the first…..uh…..it’s the…..”
There are only two doors there. They are side by side. This is not a complex question. Even if you were just straight up guessing you’d still have a 50/50 shot at the right answer. Here, let me help me out. Using my immense capabilities of reason I shall corral this rampaging herd of wild possibilities down into a simple either/or inquiry: Left or right?
No.
If you're going to attempt to bum change off of me, please note that I adibe by similar rules to many dining establishments: No shirt, no shoes, no service.
I Hate You
( This company already had about 4 tech support cases open with me... )
Me: “Alright, is this a new issue or do you need an update on an old case?”
SC: “No, it’s a new one. Guess you should have stayed in bed! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “Alright.....what’s the serial number?”
SC: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"
Me: “………Sir?”
SC: “Sorry there. <ahem> I was having some difficu-snerk, hahahaAHAHHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “……………”
SC: “Hahahahehehhehehe, <cough> I’ll have to give you a call back-<snerk>”
You were so overcome by your own “hilarious” wit that you need time to recover? Since you obviously don’t have the capacity for it yourself, allow me to be ashamed and embarrassed on your behalf. It also took half an hour for you to call back. Which I can only assume meant that you spent near half an hour huddled in a corner giggling to yourself like a schoolgirl over your brilliant comedic abilities.
Ah, Right
Me: “And how do you spell your last name please?”
SC: “It’s M-A-Double L-A-R-D"
Me: “Alright, so M-A-L-L-A-R-D?"
SC: “No! Double L.”
Ah, of course. Double L. My apologies, having actually completed Grade 2 on the first attempt, I was unaware there were more than 26 letters in the English alphabet.
Unless You're a Bronie
Dude, seriously. I don't care how low your pants are, how much bling you got on, how bad ass your gang signs are nor how dope the beats you're attempting to drop with your friends might be. You cannot be gangsta with a pastel purple camo backpack on.
Give your little sister her bag back.
Showing Off
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s xxxx HYPHENATED xx”
I see someone has a new word a day calendar.
Arggggghhh
Me: “Alright, and did you want email confirmation of your order?”
SC: “Yes, please.”
Me: “Alright, what is your email address please?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t have an email.”
Then why did you…..ask for the…….why do you do this? Did you think that email would just be delivered to your door with your regular mail? That the mailman would just show up with a laptop? Perhaps you envisioned some sort of eHound? A brave, majestic St Bernard that travels the countryside with a iPhone around its neck?
TMI
SC: “Are you equipped to give somebody a…uh….the bowel movement thing?”
Just a second, let me pen that onto my big list of questions I never, ever, want to hear again in my entire life. Let alone be directed towards me personally.
SC: “Oh, so you wouldn’t know whether or not they’re equipped for an enema?”
I don’t know who your doctor is in this office, but I suddenly feel compelled to sent them a card and some sort of apology gift. I’m not sure if Hallmark makes a card for that or not. I’m guessing no. So I’ll have to improvise. Maybe just go with a general Sympathy card and some candy or something…..er……but definitely not chocolates come to think of it.
Annnnnnd rest.
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