Black Market Weasel Smuggling

[Mango]

.
Um...Q?

SC: "I would like to speak to E-V-A-N-S!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I would like to speak to E-V-A-N-S."
Me: "Oh! You mean Morris Evans! Sure, I'll transf--"
SC: "Wait! How do you spell that?"
Me: "M-O-R--"
SC: "No, not that! His last name!"
Me: "...E-V-A-N-S?"
SC: "Oh."
[pause]
SC: "Really?"

As shocking as it may seem...yes, really.



In fact, I have an entire PR firm in my back pocket.

Our company is not big enough to have secretaries, so we all take turns answering the phone and pass messages to each other.

SC: "I'd like to leave a message please."
Me: "Certainly; what should the message say?"
SC: "Please say that the latest revision is fine."
Me: "Very well; and who is the message for?"
[pause]
SC: "...I don't remember."
[pause]
SC: "Couldn't you just give the message to everybody?"

Why, yes. In fact, to demonstrate my level of commitment, I'll even hire a college kid to print up posters that say "the latest revision is fine" and paste them far and wide. Next will come the radio ads, transit shelters, billboards ...why, we'll even hire a skywriter. Never mind that we only have like five employees. You asked for the message to be delivered to everybody, and dammit, I am going to deliver it to everybody.



Florence and The Machine

SC: "I need some information on that machine that the doctors use."
My co-worker: "Certainly, which machine would that be?"
SC: "That machine."
CW: "Erm...what does it do?"
SC: "You know. That machine. I need to know how long it takes to get certified to use it."
CW: "I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to. Can you describe it? What is it used for?"
SC: "It's that machine."
CW: "Maybe you'd best ask your doctor."
SC: "But I don't want to ask my doctor. I'm asking you."

Are you asking how long it takes your average person to obtain certification? Or are you asking how long it would take YOU to obtain certification? Because I highly suspect the answers would be very very different. By the way, I have a message for you: "the latest revision is fine".



Surrealism 101

SC: "So this book, it's written by Dr. White?"
Me: "Yes, absolutely, sir."
SC: "The book I bought yesterday was written by Dr. White, correct?"
Me: "Yes, this is the very same book you bought yesterday sir."
SC: "Is this book by a different doctor?"
Me: "No sir, this is the same book you bought yesterday. Remember this picture on the cover?"
SC: "No, what I mean is: is the doctor who wrote this book is different from the doctor who wrote the book I bought yesterday?"
Me: "Actually no. This is the exact same book. See Dr. White's name on the front here?"
SC: "I must not be explaining myself clearly. Is the doctor who wrote this book named Dr. Pendleton?"
Me: "Uh ... ... ... no."
SC: "Ah-ha!!! Now I understand!" [happily toddles away]

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



Surrealism 102

SC: "I need to speak to my doctor. It's urgent! Very urgent!"
Me: "I would be happy to page your doctor, but if this is a medical emergency you should go to your nearest hospital."
SC: "Oh, yes! Oh, please! Please do give her this message!"
Me: "..."
SC: "Are you ready?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "The eagle, it takes flight! At midnight~#!!"
Me: "..."
SC: "Oh, please, it is VERY urgent! [click]"

Could the doctor possibly be a secret agent from a bad movie, and that was her signal? To be on the safe side, I simply sent the doctor a page stating that the latest revision was fine.



Wherein the customers instruct us to expose as much skin as possible:

SC: "It's going to be warm this weekend! You should put on a bathing suit and go out!"
CW: "I...don't go out when I have a bathing suit on...!"
SC: "No, but you should. Really, you should put on a bathing suit."
CW: "Well, I'll definitely go out this weekend, but I'm not sure I'll be wearing a bathing suit!"
SC: "A bikini. You should wear a bikini. Expose as much skin as possible! As much as possible!"

...



Different customer, same story

Me: "Ok, the phone number of your doctor is (npa) nxx-xxxx."
SC: "Thank you."
Me: "You are welcome."
SC: "I know a good brand of undies."
Me: "Uh."
SC: "Helly Hansen undies. You simply must try them! All you need is good undies, you know."
Me: "Ok ma'am, I will try to find some."
SC: "You simply must!!"

...



Witty Banter

Me: "Good morning, this is Mango."
SC: "Hi, Mango!"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "How are you?"
Me: "Just fine, thank you for asking."
SC: "How was your weekend?"
Me: "Very nice, thank you."
SC: "Mine too. Sure is nice to see that sunshine."
Me: "Oh yes, definitely."
SC: "Did you catch the hockey game?"
Me: "Yes. How may I help you?"
SC: "Oh. Right!"

Did you seriously forget that you need to see a doctor and decided to just chat with me instead? If that really is the case, I'm genuinely glad - for your safety and my sanity - that I'm not a 911 operator. If THAT were the case, I'm sure our topic of conversation would drift all the way to black market weasel smuggling before I had the chance to find out that you'd been shot twice in the spleen.



This explains everything.

SC: "I need to get teshted for DRUGSH~#!"

We don't do drug testing here, but given that you're one of my customers, I can confidently say there's a high chance of you being on something right now.


__________________
We are pleased to provide entertainment in both official languages!

[BamaBabe]

I loved the two stories that you integrated "the latest revision is fine" message. Seriously funny.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Surrealism 102

SC: "I need to speak to my doctor. It's urgent! Very urgent!"
Me: "I would be happy to page your doctor, but if this is a medical emergency you should go to your nearest hospital."
SC: "Oh, yes! Oh, please! Please do give her this message!"
Me: "..."
SC: "Are you ready?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "The eagle, it takes flight! At midnight~#!!"
Me: "..."
SC: "Oh, please, it is VERY urgent! [click]"

Could the doctor possibly be a secret agent from a bad movie, and that was her signal? To be on the safe side, I simply sent the doctor a page stating that the latest revision was fine.

He could've at least used "The swallows will return to Capastrano."

It worked for Napoleon Solo.

[Sapphire Silk]

.
Um...Q?

SC: "I would like to speak to E-V-A-N-S!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I would like to speak to E-V-A-N-S."

This reminds me of something that happened today when I was doing telephone triage.

I get a critical lab value I have to call to the doctor. I dial the number for the answering service and get menu hell, and finally the system dials the doctor directly.

The connection was horrible. I could barely hear her.

She was trying to give me a medication order, but I had to keep asking her to repeat herself.

Finally, she started spelling the name of the antibiotic she wanted, but I still couldn't hear the letters. Finally I asked her to speak up.

Doc: BLARGLE BLARGLE blargle BLARGLE!

Me: Uhm. That actually is making it worse.

Finally after a few more tries I can finally understand the letters and figure out what she is trying to order.

[Pixilated]

I'm guessing your finely-honed sense of sarcasm and appreciation for surrealism are primarily what keep you sane in your job.

[fireheart]

He could've at least used "The swallows will return to Capastrano."

It worked for Napoleon Solo.

And for Snoopy and Woodstock as well

[Midnight_Angel]

"The eagle, it takes flight! At midnight~#!!"

"But the owls are still around."

*ducks for cover*

[Syriilord]

Hmmm. Have you and your customers started channeling GK and his customers, Mango?

That's a scary level of crazy for medical phonecalls.

[mharbourgirl]

Ok. Ok.

I read that last night and my brain bluescreened. So I went and watched the Green Hornet. That gave my brain time to recover. Then as a test I watched 3 hours of Discovery Science and had an involved discussion with the Hubster regarding some of the topics covered in the shows. Then I went to bed.

So I get up this morning, and I read this post again.

Yep. Out of CheeSe eRror. ReDo fRom staRt.

And I worked in a psychiatric care facility for a couple of years without encountering this level of Arsenic and Old Lace craziness.

Coffee needs booze, stat!

[Moosenogger]

To be on the safe side, I simply sent the doctor a page stating that the latest revision was fine.

Okay, I laughed.

I think some of your customers are taking their prescription directions as more of a suggestion than an actual order.

[mikoyan29]

Was it the machine that goes ping?

[manybellsdown]

"But the owls are still around."

*ducks for cover*

My log has something to tell you ....

The owls are not what they seem.

[protege]

Was it the machine that goes ping?

Hehe I *knew* that someone was going to make a Monty Python reference sooner or later

[the lawsmeister]

Hehe I *knew* that someone was going to make a Monty Python reference sooner or later

Given the number of Terry Pratchett fans around here I was expecting "the significant owl hoots in the night" or similar

[Shalom]

Given the number of Terry Pratchett fans around here I was expecting "the significant owl hoots in the night" or similar

So did the thing that goes "parp" go "parp"?