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Oh, You Wouldn't Know Her, She's From Canada
Ugh, God, they were waiting for me to come back from vacation. Just waiting. =/
Times Are Bad, Man
( How cruel are her parents.. >.> )
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
C: “She-ra”
Wait, wait, wait. Seriously? She-Ra? Like, Princess of Power, She-Ra? Wow….and now you’re working the night shift at a motel? Damn, the economy really has gotten bad. Though I guess there isn’t a lot of money in fighting poorly coordinated evil villains from another dimension. I mean, really, back in the 80s most super villains could be defeated by a Neighbourhood Watch program.
There's not much work for your particular skill set, is there? You have my sympathies.
Has It Now?
SC: “My television machine stopped working.”
The….”Television Machine” you say? Well, that is a problem. But on the upside, you managed to call me, so clearly your Talky Box is still working. Have you checked on the Cold Blower Engine and Hot Top Box in the kitchen? We should make sure it’s just the Television Machine and not that the Juice Cords in your suite have stopped bringing them sparks and jolties.
Diabeetus
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Sara”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “Er, wait, can I put it under Wilford Brimley?”
…Wilford….Brimley? Like….diabetes Wilford Brimley? Quaker Oats Wilford Brimley? That Wilford Brimley? Looks like your grandpa? Has a moustache like a walrus? I must say that is the most bizarrely random utterance I think anyone has ever made to me on this line. So much so you’ve forced me to re-read the side effects on my back pills to rule out “hallucination”. Hmm…..no, no, just drowsiness. So that must have really just happened.
So on behalf of my entire company, I would just like to say: What?
Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”
SC: “Sara is fine”
And just as soon as the moment passed, it was gone. Leaving only mystery in its wake. ( Seriously though: What? )
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Me: “Good evening, <company>-“
SC: “Who is this?”
Me: “This is Gravekeeper-
SC: “And your last name? Or do you have an employee number?”
Soooo….did you study to discover the best way to immediately make a CSR defensive and unhelpful? Or is this a natural talent?
SC: “I have a little water leak. But that’s normal in my suite because there’s 14 pipes that come through my wall.”
Just…..what….like sitting in the corner or something? ……Are you an actual tenant? Or are you squatting in the boiler room?
SC: “I don’t think I need help. I can fix it. I’ve got 14 of these things. Hot pipes. Cold pipes. Lukewarm pipes.”
Variety is the spice of life, after all.
SC: “The cold and lukewarm are pretty decent for me to handle. I’m pretty good at them.”
Have you ever been talking to someone that seemed normal at first but over the next few minutes you slowly start coming to the alarming realization that they’re probably kind of insane? But now you can’t find any polite excuse to get out of the conversation? Because you’re afraid if they realize that you realize they’re crazy it’ll make them panic and jump straight to the part where they try and stuff you in the trunk of their car?
….Or perhaps drag you off into the boiler room.
SC: “I saw from the wrapping on the pipe there was a problem. But when the official people came, they said oh it doesn’t look like it’s gonna break.”
The…official people?
SC: “That’s how good I am at this!!”
Yes, you’re very good at, er, pipes. I fully agree. You are awesome at, um, pipes……Please don’t hurt me.
SC: “I don’t mean to be so rude-”
-it’s just that the voices keep interrupting you?
SC: “She tried to say I didn’t call! I asked her to wrap a few pipes and she told me to turn on the fan and I kept slipping on the floor!”
Wha-what? I have no idea what’s going on and to be perfectly honest I don’t think I really want to know. I’m beginning to deeply regret giving you my name at all. As I think I would prefer you know as little about me or my current location as is possible.
SC: “I’m so sick of people in my home. I think I can fix and wrap it in bubble gum and duct tape until the morning.”
That sounds wonderful. Please go and do that. Please do it away from the phone.
Me: “I’m sorry, what was your name ma’am?”
SC: “Pfft, yeah right.”
I…..sense I have made a critical misstep……I may be in danger.
Me: “Did you want to leave a name and number?”
SC: “No!”
Aw man, I’m so going to end up hogtied to a boiler in the basement of some random apartment building now.
SC: “I just need to know that you’re on my side.”
If I say I’m on your side, will you promise not to hurt me? Because I’m going to hold you to this after I end up hogtied to a boiler.
Stuff
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “YA'LL STILL ORDER STUFF DER?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Do you still order stuff der?!”
Me: “...Yes?”
SC: “Uh…can I call back later?!”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Ok, bye.”
Not to sound like a broken record tonight but: What? It seems like at least half my calls on this line end with me asking myself one or several questions all of which begin with “What”. Really, there’s no need for me to ask myself so many different questions in the abject confusion this line causes when I could simply be asking myself “What?” after every call. It’s simple. It’s too the point. It covers all the possible bases. There’s no need to keep a running tally of the various brow furrowing inquiries I have of my callers when a simple, single word will do.
I have officially streamlined my bewilderment.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #2
SC: “Hey, is this Gravekeeper?”
Y-yes…..is this the crazy pipe lady?
Me: “Did you want me to page the manager for you?”
SC: “What’s the point?”
I was asking myself the same question actually. What a coincidence! I was wondering exactly why you kept calling when you don’t actually want me to do anything for you.
SC: “Do you know anything about pipes?”
That….that depends on whether this knowledge is integral to my continued safety. If it is, then yes, I know everything about pipes. I am the wizard of pipes. The fucking maestro of pipes. When I enter the plumbing section at Home Depot, the employees are contractually obligated to prostrate themselves and dust the path before me in cinnamon and nutmeg.
SC: “Ok, listen to this: When there’s lots of green dots on a hot pipe. They could break out at any time!”
Are the pipes still screaming, Clarice?
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #3
SC: “Hey, Gravekeeper?”
N-no…no. Sorry, there is no Gravekeepr here. This is, er, Scott. Yeah, Scott.
SC: “Listen, this is weird, ok? But some pipes are hot, some are cold, some are medium. This is a medium pipe. It’s been spraying a little bit for a long time. Then it sprayed a lot. Then I punched a hole in it to make sure I could patch it all up.”
You….punched a hole in it to make sure you could fix it? That seems….somewhat counterintuitive.
SC: “There’s almost no water going through it. It might be a pipe that comes on in the morning or something. It’s beyond my scope. What do you think?”
I think you have issues that can likely only be fully addressed with medication.
Seriously
I really need to take a look at this new catalog that apparently went out. There must be some rather amazing garments within it with which to drape upon yourself. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the line this busy before. Nor have I ever had a caller attempt to order, um…..let’s see. $1500ish worth of clothes. Not only did she hit the $900 COD limit, she fully intended to go beyond it for another several hundred dollars. I’m not entirely unconvinced she didn’t just open the catalog to a random page and start reading off every single item number on that page from there on out.
But alas, I heartlessly shattered her dreams by limiting her to a mere $900. Forcing her to slink away with only some odd 12 items. Instead of the 20ish she was seemingly aiming for. I am a terrible person.
They Hunger
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Alright! Here we go! I got quite a few here, man! Hold on!”
Seriously, where is this catalog? Do we have one around here? I must know the glorious secrets contained within its pages that is causing such excitement. It must be amazing. Did they start selling affordable personal jet packs or something? I would totally order a jet pack. I’d never have to use the elevator here again.
Well, actually I probably would. It’s not like any of the windows open on this floor so the best I could do would be to hover outside the broad room window and knock desperately till my fuel ran out and I plunged back down to the pavement below.
Investment Plan
SC: “I was trying to order few days ago!”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “And der was no cap.”
Me: “No what, sorry?”
SC: “Cap!”
Me: “The item wasn’t in stock?”
SC: “Der was no cap! I’d like to order.”
Me: “Alright, do you have the item number? I’ll check and see if it’s in stock for you.”
SC: “Uh, I lost it.”
How do you contact me? Seriously, I want to know. Does your village have underwater phone lines back to civilization or do you use satilette phones? I may not make a ton of money, but god dammit if I start investing now maybe one day I'll have enough to rent a deep see submersable and some garden shears for a couple weeks.
Psst
Me: “I’ll page a tech for you.”
SC: “Perfect, thank you.”
Me: “You’re welcome”
SC: “……..Fuck you!! What is the point! What the fuck is the point!”
Psst. Psst. Hey, it’s me again. I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your venomous diatribe about me, but I just thought I should let you know you didn't hang the phone up all the way.
Dark Impulses
Me: “Which catalog do you have there?"
SC: "<catalog number>"
That’s…..about 2 years old. I must admit I do not have much confidence that we will still have any of your requests in stock.
SC: “I had the new one but I lost it.”
But despite losing it, you couldn’t miss your monthly shipment of pants and decided to just go ahead and call anyway? At 2 in the morning? ….Have you ever considered that you might have a problem? I mean, no offence, but let’s face it, it’s 2am and you just had the impulse to purchase pants. But were unable to find the catalog. Instead of going “Oh well I’ll look for it in the morning” you desperately scrounged around until you found at least one catalog you could order from. Even if that catalog was so old it was practically guaranteed to have nothing you originally wanted in it.
Also its 2 years old.....where exactly did you find it? Propping up one corner of your fridge?
SC: “I think my mom put it somewhere.”
She put it somewhere or she hid it somewhere after trying to stage an intervention?
You Wouldn't Know Her
( Backstory: Guy got turned away by immigration and is being sent back to the States. So naturally he wants a lawyer and I swear the officer let him call just for the entertainment value. After talking with the officer a sec, he handed the phone over and I got this... )
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Well, um, I just wanted to see my girlfriend. This is my first time in Canada, I met my girlfriend online and I just wanted to meet her, you know? Can't they let me in for just like a little while?”
Wait, back up. You….flew in and told immigration you were here to meet your online girlfriend? Right-o then. You know you’re really lucky she lives in Canada. This would be a different story if she lived somewhere else in the US. I’m pretty sure “Meet my online girlfriend” is US Immigration speak for “Hello good sirs! I’d let to just skip straight to the enhanced pat down if you don’t mind. No need to be gentle.”
SC: “But I just wanted to see her for a little while, man!”
Oddly enough, immigration law doesn’t make an exception for star crossed virtual love.
SC: “You know my dad was well known for being in the FBI and you know, I’m sure it was his will for me to be in Canada!”
…..Alrighty then. Did you tell the officer that? If not, I strongly suggest you do. I believe it will, er, change their perception of your case. Go ahead, go tell them the spirit of your FBI agent father wants you to be in Canada to meet your online girlfriend. Oh, and leave the phone off the hook too please, I’d pay good money to hear thi-, er, I mean I’d like to bare witness. You know, as, er, your legal consultant. It is my duty to verify that, they, um, give your case all the attention it deserves. Yeah, that's it.
annnnd rest ( lots of it. Still pretty fubar back wise. Sitting...sucks. )
Times Are Bad, Man
( How cruel are her parents.. >.> )
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
C: “She-ra”
Wait, wait, wait. Seriously? She-Ra? Like, Princess of Power, She-Ra? Wow….and now you’re working the night shift at a motel? Damn, the economy really has gotten bad. Though I guess there isn’t a lot of money in fighting poorly coordinated evil villains from another dimension. I mean, really, back in the 80s most super villains could be defeated by a Neighbourhood Watch program.
There's not much work for your particular skill set, is there? You have my sympathies.
Has It Now?
SC: “My television machine stopped working.”
The….”Television Machine” you say? Well, that is a problem. But on the upside, you managed to call me, so clearly your Talky Box is still working. Have you checked on the Cold Blower Engine and Hot Top Box in the kitchen? We should make sure it’s just the Television Machine and not that the Juice Cords in your suite have stopped bringing them sparks and jolties.
Diabeetus
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Sara”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “Er, wait, can I put it under Wilford Brimley?”
…Wilford….Brimley? Like….diabetes Wilford Brimley? Quaker Oats Wilford Brimley? That Wilford Brimley? Looks like your grandpa? Has a moustache like a walrus? I must say that is the most bizarrely random utterance I think anyone has ever made to me on this line. So much so you’ve forced me to re-read the side effects on my back pills to rule out “hallucination”. Hmm…..no, no, just drowsiness. So that must have really just happened.
So on behalf of my entire company, I would just like to say: What?
Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”
SC: “Sara is fine”
And just as soon as the moment passed, it was gone. Leaving only mystery in its wake. ( Seriously though: What? )
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Me: “Good evening, <company>-“
SC: “Who is this?”
Me: “This is Gravekeeper-
SC: “And your last name? Or do you have an employee number?”
Soooo….did you study to discover the best way to immediately make a CSR defensive and unhelpful? Or is this a natural talent?
SC: “I have a little water leak. But that’s normal in my suite because there’s 14 pipes that come through my wall.”
Just…..what….like sitting in the corner or something? ……Are you an actual tenant? Or are you squatting in the boiler room?
SC: “I don’t think I need help. I can fix it. I’ve got 14 of these things. Hot pipes. Cold pipes. Lukewarm pipes.”
Variety is the spice of life, after all.
SC: “The cold and lukewarm are pretty decent for me to handle. I’m pretty good at them.”
Have you ever been talking to someone that seemed normal at first but over the next few minutes you slowly start coming to the alarming realization that they’re probably kind of insane? But now you can’t find any polite excuse to get out of the conversation? Because you’re afraid if they realize that you realize they’re crazy it’ll make them panic and jump straight to the part where they try and stuff you in the trunk of their car?
….Or perhaps drag you off into the boiler room.
SC: “I saw from the wrapping on the pipe there was a problem. But when the official people came, they said oh it doesn’t look like it’s gonna break.”
The…official people?
SC: “That’s how good I am at this!!”
Yes, you’re very good at, er, pipes. I fully agree. You are awesome at, um, pipes……Please don’t hurt me.
SC: “I don’t mean to be so rude-”
-it’s just that the voices keep interrupting you?
SC: “She tried to say I didn’t call! I asked her to wrap a few pipes and she told me to turn on the fan and I kept slipping on the floor!”
Wha-what? I have no idea what’s going on and to be perfectly honest I don’t think I really want to know. I’m beginning to deeply regret giving you my name at all. As I think I would prefer you know as little about me or my current location as is possible.
SC: “I’m so sick of people in my home. I think I can fix and wrap it in bubble gum and duct tape until the morning.”
That sounds wonderful. Please go and do that. Please do it away from the phone.
Me: “I’m sorry, what was your name ma’am?”
SC: “Pfft, yeah right.”
I…..sense I have made a critical misstep……I may be in danger.
Me: “Did you want to leave a name and number?”
SC: “No!”
Aw man, I’m so going to end up hogtied to a boiler in the basement of some random apartment building now.
SC: “I just need to know that you’re on my side.”
If I say I’m on your side, will you promise not to hurt me? Because I’m going to hold you to this after I end up hogtied to a boiler.
Stuff
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “YA'LL STILL ORDER STUFF DER?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Do you still order stuff der?!”
Me: “...Yes?”
SC: “Uh…can I call back later?!”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Ok, bye.”
Not to sound like a broken record tonight but: What? It seems like at least half my calls on this line end with me asking myself one or several questions all of which begin with “What”. Really, there’s no need for me to ask myself so many different questions in the abject confusion this line causes when I could simply be asking myself “What?” after every call. It’s simple. It’s too the point. It covers all the possible bases. There’s no need to keep a running tally of the various brow furrowing inquiries I have of my callers when a simple, single word will do.
I have officially streamlined my bewilderment.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #2
SC: “Hey, is this Gravekeeper?”
Y-yes…..is this the crazy pipe lady?
Me: “Did you want me to page the manager for you?”
SC: “What’s the point?”
I was asking myself the same question actually. What a coincidence! I was wondering exactly why you kept calling when you don’t actually want me to do anything for you.
SC: “Do you know anything about pipes?”
That….that depends on whether this knowledge is integral to my continued safety. If it is, then yes, I know everything about pipes. I am the wizard of pipes. The fucking maestro of pipes. When I enter the plumbing section at Home Depot, the employees are contractually obligated to prostrate themselves and dust the path before me in cinnamon and nutmeg.
SC: “Ok, listen to this: When there’s lots of green dots on a hot pipe. They could break out at any time!”
Are the pipes still screaming, Clarice?
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot #3
SC: “Hey, Gravekeeper?”
N-no…no. Sorry, there is no Gravekeepr here. This is, er, Scott. Yeah, Scott.
SC: “Listen, this is weird, ok? But some pipes are hot, some are cold, some are medium. This is a medium pipe. It’s been spraying a little bit for a long time. Then it sprayed a lot. Then I punched a hole in it to make sure I could patch it all up.”
You….punched a hole in it to make sure you could fix it? That seems….somewhat counterintuitive.
SC: “There’s almost no water going through it. It might be a pipe that comes on in the morning or something. It’s beyond my scope. What do you think?”
I think you have issues that can likely only be fully addressed with medication.
Seriously
I really need to take a look at this new catalog that apparently went out. There must be some rather amazing garments within it with which to drape upon yourself. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the line this busy before. Nor have I ever had a caller attempt to order, um…..let’s see. $1500ish worth of clothes. Not only did she hit the $900 COD limit, she fully intended to go beyond it for another several hundred dollars. I’m not entirely unconvinced she didn’t just open the catalog to a random page and start reading off every single item number on that page from there on out.
But alas, I heartlessly shattered her dreams by limiting her to a mere $900. Forcing her to slink away with only some odd 12 items. Instead of the 20ish she was seemingly aiming for. I am a terrible person.
They Hunger
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Alright! Here we go! I got quite a few here, man! Hold on!”
Seriously, where is this catalog? Do we have one around here? I must know the glorious secrets contained within its pages that is causing such excitement. It must be amazing. Did they start selling affordable personal jet packs or something? I would totally order a jet pack. I’d never have to use the elevator here again.
Well, actually I probably would. It’s not like any of the windows open on this floor so the best I could do would be to hover outside the broad room window and knock desperately till my fuel ran out and I plunged back down to the pavement below.
Investment Plan
SC: “I was trying to order few days ago!”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “And der was no cap.”
Me: “No what, sorry?”
SC: “Cap!”
Me: “The item wasn’t in stock?”
SC: “Der was no cap! I’d like to order.”
Me: “Alright, do you have the item number? I’ll check and see if it’s in stock for you.”
SC: “Uh, I lost it.”
How do you contact me? Seriously, I want to know. Does your village have underwater phone lines back to civilization or do you use satilette phones? I may not make a ton of money, but god dammit if I start investing now maybe one day I'll have enough to rent a deep see submersable and some garden shears for a couple weeks.
Psst
Me: “I’ll page a tech for you.”
SC: “Perfect, thank you.”
Me: “You’re welcome”
SC: “……..Fuck you!! What is the point! What the fuck is the point!”
Psst. Psst. Hey, it’s me again. I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your venomous diatribe about me, but I just thought I should let you know you didn't hang the phone up all the way.
Dark Impulses
Me: “Which catalog do you have there?"
SC: "<catalog number>"
That’s…..about 2 years old. I must admit I do not have much confidence that we will still have any of your requests in stock.
SC: “I had the new one but I lost it.”
But despite losing it, you couldn’t miss your monthly shipment of pants and decided to just go ahead and call anyway? At 2 in the morning? ….Have you ever considered that you might have a problem? I mean, no offence, but let’s face it, it’s 2am and you just had the impulse to purchase pants. But were unable to find the catalog. Instead of going “Oh well I’ll look for it in the morning” you desperately scrounged around until you found at least one catalog you could order from. Even if that catalog was so old it was practically guaranteed to have nothing you originally wanted in it.
Also its 2 years old.....where exactly did you find it? Propping up one corner of your fridge?
SC: “I think my mom put it somewhere.”
She put it somewhere or she hid it somewhere after trying to stage an intervention?
You Wouldn't Know Her
( Backstory: Guy got turned away by immigration and is being sent back to the States. So naturally he wants a lawyer and I swear the officer let him call just for the entertainment value. After talking with the officer a sec, he handed the phone over and I got this... )
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Well, um, I just wanted to see my girlfriend. This is my first time in Canada, I met my girlfriend online and I just wanted to meet her, you know? Can't they let me in for just like a little while?”
Wait, back up. You….flew in and told immigration you were here to meet your online girlfriend? Right-o then. You know you’re really lucky she lives in Canada. This would be a different story if she lived somewhere else in the US. I’m pretty sure “Meet my online girlfriend” is US Immigration speak for “Hello good sirs! I’d let to just skip straight to the enhanced pat down if you don’t mind. No need to be gentle.”
SC: “But I just wanted to see her for a little while, man!”
Oddly enough, immigration law doesn’t make an exception for star crossed virtual love.
SC: “You know my dad was well known for being in the FBI and you know, I’m sure it was his will for me to be in Canada!”
…..Alrighty then. Did you tell the officer that? If not, I strongly suggest you do. I believe it will, er, change their perception of your case. Go ahead, go tell them the spirit of your FBI agent father wants you to be in Canada to meet your online girlfriend. Oh, and leave the phone off the hook too please, I’d pay good money to hear thi-, er, I mean I’d like to bare witness. You know, as, er, your legal consultant. It is my duty to verify that, they, um, give your case all the attention it deserves. Yeah, that's it.
annnnd rest ( lots of it. Still pretty fubar back wise. Sitting...sucks. )
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