Wherein My Sexual Orientation Is Called Into Question

[flybye023]

Personally, I'd go for J.T. Hutt. Hey, J.T. how're them clothes workin' for ya?

[Gravekeeper]

Personally, I'd go for J.T. Hutt. Hey, J.T. how're them clothes workin' for ya?

....That sounds like a really weird Deus Ex parody.

[Jester]

Couple rather...special....callers this week.

As opposed to your usual bevy of intelligent, articulate, and insightful callers?

Oh wow. You, my friend, are sloshed. I have absolutely no idea what you just said beyond “Coat”. Everything before it was a rambling mishmash of sounds that tried to make it from your brain to your mouth but ended up drowning in a river of whiskey somewhere in between.

I know I've said this before, but amusingly enough, here we go again:

Been there, done that. Everything but the "coat."

I don’t have a blood alcohol content high enough to kill mosquitoes.

Ah, clearly an amateur. As I have, at various times (including my last birthday) had a blood alcohol content high enough to kill RHINOS.

SC: “Jush throughtesh niece.”

I haven’t the slightest idea what it is you’re trying to communicate to me.

Allow me to translate. What this drunkopotamus is trying to say is "Just thought it's nice," i.e., he thought the particular item that had caught his fancy was rather lovely.

( Apparently I pronounce certain words "wrong" >.> )

Of course I am! I am 100% completely American. I…um….I love baseball, yeah! Baseball and…..uh…and…..Nascar? Yeah, Nascar. My favourite is that one guy, that…uh…the guy with the moustache…he…he drives really well. Um. In a circle. Yeah.

GK, I am here for you, with my "I'm an American" catch phrase starter kit.

Whenever one of your callers questions your Americanism, merely use one or more of the following phrases to allay their fears. Since I'm guessing most such callers will be calling from the Land of Grits, I have tailored this particular version to that particular region.

"I love baseball. I'm a huge Atlanta Braves fan. It's a damn shame what happened to them down the stretch." (The last phrase only good until the start of the next baseball season, around the end of March.)

"I love football. I'm a huge Panthers fan/I'm a huge Falcons fan/HOW ABOUT THEM COWBOYS?"

"I love college football. ROLL TIDE!"

"NASCAR rocks. But Junior really needs to turn it around and start winning over those damn California boys."

If you need more phrases to prove your bona fides as a real American (from their neck of the backswoods), just let me know. I am a fantastic translator.

Can you buy lawyers?

Of course you can. Corporations and politicians do it all the time, though most intelligent people would rather buy a politician, a judge, a cop, a mayor, or in Miami, the entire city government. But for certain things, owning a lawyer can be very useful.

"What do you wanna mark it?”

At a guess, I'd say "over."

I wish I had been allowed to hang up on stupid people.

I deal with stupid people all the time, and while I rarely get to hang up on them, as I deal with them mostly in person, every now and then, if I'm really really lucky, sometimes, I get to throw them out!

Sadly, Vancouver hasn't emancipated the lawyers after 300 years of injustice. It's really sad.

Yes. It's sad that they no longer kill them on sight.

Hey, what did poor Whiskey ever do to you? I'm afraid I can't take your side if you start blaming other CSers

Hey, I get blamed all the time in his posts. Usually along the lines of something like "Surely you jest." Where was your staunch defense then, hmmm?

If you don't hear from me for a while, arm up and be ready!

So you're telling us we should.....bear arms?

[Sapphire Silk]

Me: “What size?”
SC: “My neck is, uh, 90 inches wide”

Me: “I’m sorry…you wanted what size?”
SC: “Neck is 40 inchs long….no, 20 inchs…..bout 55 inchs long I guess.”

SC: “Shoulder ish bout 57 inches….butt is 47 inches wide….”

SC: “and ma arms is 35 inches long.”

You should have let him keep going. I'm sure he would have included his dick size in there somewhere . . . .

SC: “My instrushions are to buy a lawyer!”

And here I thought Canada had abolished slavery. Still, if you're going to have forced labor, you couldn't have picked a better class of people.

SC: “It’s not important, it’s not an emergency, it’s not urgent. But just in case I punch, I don't know, my manager.”

SC: “You know my manager is a lesbian, a fag like you should get along with her.”

Once again, I thank you kindly for leaving me all of your information in the first call. Including your name, phone number and address. I'm sure your building manager will be quite thrilled to learn you threatened to punch her in the face in a homophobic rage.

You may want to begin apartment hunting. But I wouldn't count on a reference.

Man, what I wouldn't give to see this live. Any chance the manager would sell tickets?

[Syriilord]

Hey, I get blamed all the time in his posts. Usually along the lines of something like "Surely you jest." Where was your staunch defense then, hmmm?

In those times, it was needed more elsewhere. And usually, someone else would beat me to it anyway

[Jay 2K Winger]

Yes. It's sad that they no longer kill them on sight.

Yes, lawyers. We hates them, precious.

Although my dad is a lawyer, and my sister will be one too once she gets her bar exam results back and finds a job.

But I try not to hold it against them.

[thatcrazyredhead]

Ok, let me see if I have this horrifying mental image right: Your neck is 7 and a half feet wide and 4 and a half feet tall. Your shoulders are also around 4 and a half feet wide. Your butt is 4 feet wide and your arms are around 3 feet long?

So….basically……you have the figure of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, wearing an ice cream cone costume?

I had to stop reading for a while after this because I was laughing so hard that it was getting difficult to breathe. I also couldn't see through the tears. My co-workers probably thought I was sobbing, with tears streaming from my eyes and my shoulders silently shaking.

Everything before it was a rambling mishmash of sounds that tried to make it from your brain to your mouth but ended up drowning in a river of whiskey somewhere inbetween.

Love this! I shall have to try to remember it for future use.

I'm glad you got to hang up on that jerk. Congratulations on the hat trick!

[mhkohne]

SC: “You’re not from around here, are you boy?”

My first thought:
"No, I'm from around HERE. If I was from around there, the commute would be too long:"

Or,
"No, I'm from around there. What would you like to order?"

[Jester]

My co-workers probably thought I was sobbing, with tears streaming from my eyes and my shoulders silently shaking.

I am so jealous of people who get to read funny stuff online while they're working.

Then again, I get to get people drunk for a living, and sometimes even do shots at my job, so I guess it's a fair trade.

[XCashier]

What this drunkopotamus is trying to say is

Love that picturesque word! I'm stealing borrowing that!

GK, I'm glad you're allowed to hang up on abusive callers. Too bad you can't tell these drunkopotamuses to call you back when they're sober.

[HappyFun Ball]

Damn you Gravekeeper! I have had 4 kids one of them weighing 13 pounds at birth, and I'm carrying a 5th! I don't have very good bladder control anymore.. You make me pee myself every time from laughing!

[thatcrazyredhead]

I am so jealous of people who get to read funny stuff online while they're working.

Then again, I get to get people drunk for a living, and sometimes even do shots at my job, so I guess it's a fair trade.

I would offer to trade jobs with you, Jester, but the one major advantage my job has over yours (for me, anyway) is that I don't have to deal with customers. I am, however, stuck in a cubicle all day surrounded by obnoxious co-workers. Have one of thos shots for me, would ya?

Oh, and I, too, love "drunkapotamus!"

[Jester]

I am, however, stuck in a cubicle all day...

My idea of a living hell, and the obvious reason I have never had a job like that.

I may not always bartend, but I will never work a M-F 9-5 office job. NEVER.

[Becks]

one of them weighing 13 pounds at birth

That made my girly bits run away screaming.

[Ironclad Alibi]

SC: “BIRDFIGHTER HAT!!!”

At first I thought he meant Angry Birds hats. But a quick search revealed that there is indeed a line of Birdfighter hats.