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Background: For just shy of two years, I worked for a satellite television company that was, shall we say, rather Direct. I was tech support, working the evening shift with a crew of rather amusing coworkers, taking calls from, for the most part, less than intelligent people, sc's, eb's, and pervs.
These are their stories.
Names have been changed to protect my faulty memory.
__________________________________________________ ______
Trial By Fire
When I was but a hapless noob to the game, just having gotten out of OJT, I took a very special call. A man calls in, and immediately requests a supe. Policy at the time was: This happens, find out the issue, deescalate if possible. If not, get a supe. Oh...oh how naive I was. Though, admittedly, he was far calmer than the situation may have warranted. He shall be known as Angry Husband.
Me: Thank you for calling Such and Such, how are you today?
AH: *In the kind of tone that says, "There is a raging demon of anger churning within me, but I do not wish to visit the Balrog of Hatred upon you, hapless tech support boy, and therefore will restrain myself* I need to speak to a manager. Higher there. Now. Please.
Me: *Blithely oblivious to looming danger....at first* I can certainly get you to a manager if necessary sir. May I ask what the issue is? Perhaps I can fix it for you? *in my happy happy I have a fun new job voice*
AH:*Seemingly mildly....amused, in a dark way*.....Sure. Why not. I have a complaint to make against one of your techs. Incidentally, he left his tools here when he....left....but thats not the complaint. The complaint is, he saw fit to use my bed whilst on the clock.
Me:*Sensing danger....our intrepid Tech Boy grows wary*....Ah, I do apologize. That was quite unprofessional...I dont kn--
AH: He was not napping.
Me:*happy voice wilts as a picture begins to form within my mind. Oh my. *
AH: He was in bed. With my wife. I trust I need not go into further detail?
Me:*happy voice all but destroyed.....shocked tone, as our hero attempts to thwart the demons rage*....Let me get a manager for you sir.
Ah: I thought you'd say that.
A Cautionary Tale
During my initial training, we were told a certain story to hinder any thoughts of joking around with the customer in any way that can be....misconstrued.
The story goes something like:
A customer calls in,complaining about the little "eye" on the front of the received. (the box that decodes the satellite signal, and feeds it to the tv), citing fear that it was held a camera of some kind within it. The CSR says, jokingly, "I assure you maam, none of our receivers have any sort of cameras installed within them. By the way, thats a lovely purple blouse your wearing. "
Customer is, indeed, wearing a purpose blouse.
Customer freaks out, hangs up, calls back in with hysterics.
CSR is sacked.
Training class cracks up.
In Which my Brain is Broken
The second week of OJT, our courageous hero, still learning the joys of customer tantrums, takes a very special call. For the record, this man sounded roughly like every redneck stereotype shoved together in a blender. I kept expecting to hear banjos in the background. I know rednecks. Im descended from them, after all. All wording kept as true to the original as possible I swear.
Me: Thank you for calling blah blah blah opening spiel
SC:YEah, I done got your satellite stuff hooked up, and all I gots is fuzz on the screen.
Me: Oh, I do apologize for that sir. Lets get this resolved. (Note:Common issue, usually 5 minute fix. Either bad connection from the receiver to the tv, or the tvs set to the wrong input. Oh ho ho, not the case here. I go through standard troubleshooting, when....)
Me: Ok, lets check the cable. This is a standard setup, so there should be a cable running from the tv to the back of the receiver, so--
SC: Naw, naw, I done ditched that dang thing. Yur installer kept sayin some shite about needin it, but thats bull. Everyone knows Satellites wireless.
Me:....You disconnected the receivers? Oh, that;d...um explain the issue. If we just recconnect those, it should--
SC: Naw Boy, you dont unnerstand---I said, Satellite be Wireless. Sides, I bashed them things up inna cube an dumped'em.
Me:...You....destroyed the receivers. *Our hero is faintly shocked...he's never heard of such idiocy before*
SC: Yeah, an I dun got another bone to pick wif yall--I had to rip a good fiddy feet of wirein outta the walls, and it done tore a lotta shit up. Yall gonna reimburse me for the repairs?
Me:....*Stunned silence...how does respond to such....blatant stupidity?*
SC: And I got some damage to my roof from takin that damned dish down to remount. Jackass stuck it on the roof, when i told;'em we wanted it in the tree.
Me:.......*Mind screaming. Surely this is a spell. Surely....Oh god. Brain. Breaking....
You.....threw out the receivers, ripped out the cabling, and ripped the dish off your roof, to nail to a tree? Because....in your words...."Satellites Wahrless....everyone knows that!!!" which you keep repeating, as if its some strange spell to make me do what you want. Oh my.
So, I go on to explain that, not only are we not going to reimburse him for the damage he caused ripping our wiring out, he has to pay for the receivers (leased, not owned), and pay to have everything re-installed. He was...not happy. I then took my break, to let my head stop hurting.
Wherein, I am thoroughly Freaked Out
In all my time on the phones, only one person ever squicked me out so badly, so horribly, that I actually asked for a supe to start listening in.
A woman calls in, complaining of her tv not turning on. Now, of note--its the TV not turning on. Not our receiver. I try to redirect her to the tv manufacturer, since I cannot send out a tech for an issue with the TVs power system. Not normally a big deal. She asks if I can help anyway--I, being the kind, generous, and lazy soul I am, figure it'll kill enough time to get me to lunch, and agree.
Almost immediately, things take a turn for the strange.
SC:*Ignores my advice*Are you christian son?
Me:*Warning, Warning, Do not answer. Question is Hazard Level-2* I'm afraid I don't discuss my religion on the clock maam. Now, if you could--
SC: *Interrupts* Its a simple question son, are you christian? I'd just hate to be talking to one of them devil worshipping atheists!
Me:.....*Warning, Warnings, Level 3 nutball, on the horizon* As I said maam, Im afraid I don't discuss my religion on the job. It causes too many issues. Now if we could get back to the tv....
SC: *ignores me....or in lala land....* You know, I know exactly how I going to die. Do you want to know?
Me:.......*Warning, Warning, Nutball has escalated to level 2. Do not give affirmative answer* I;m sorry maam, but that just isn't the sort of thing I can discuss while I am on the clock. If we could get back to the tv--
SC: Are you christian young man?
Me:....As Ive explained maam, I do not discuss my religious views on the clo--
SC: I know exactly how Im going to die. You see, Muslim extremeists are going to cut my head off.
Me:....O.o....Im....sorry? Maam this really isnt something I can--
SC: Their going to cut my head off, because Im going to post a video on youtube! Of me, pissing on an image of Mohammed.
Me......*Warning, Warning, Nutball has surpassed Level 1, approaching critical mass. * Ah...Maam that really isnt something I can discuss *While typing into work chat:"I....am massively uncomfortable here. Can a supe start listening in? Please? "*
SC" Lather. Rinse. Repeast. Fours. Times.
I had to hear that....spiel....about my religion, and her...ahh...death....four more times. While my supe is just staring at me, with a blank, disturbing look on her face. And all through that time, running through my head: "She can't post a vid like that. Not on youtube. Maybe Redtube. "
How are we, as a Race, still alive?
One of the most common issues I'd have while I worked there, that to this day makes me think we, as a race, are doomed, was the customers inability to find buttons on the remote. Now. Im not saying they should memorize the layout of the remote control. Not at all. But you should know where the, say, Number buttons are. I mean, their not hidden. And their in the same layout as any other remote. 1 is before 2. 2 is before 3. Etc. Etc.
Or, when I say, "press the red button" press....the red button. Not the green, or blue, or yellow. No, the RED button.
And, most damming of all, the Select button. Its big. And bright orange. In the middle of the remote. And yet....time after time....
SC:Ok, now what?
Me: Ok, now press Select. Its the-
SC: The WHAT? I aint got no button like that.
Me: Its the large orange one in the middle.
SC: Nah nah, aint got one. OH, you mean that big one, thats kinda orange?
Me:.....*headdesk, cries* Yes. That one.
__________________________________________________ _______
More stupidity to come!
For now, some shoutouts!
Cool old war dude--You rock. The 45 minute call was so worth it, if only for your awesome war stories. Talking to someone who brought aide to a concentration camp in WW2--a true Honour. I sincerely hope to meet you RL.
Warcraft guy: 30 minute call was awesome. Resetting a receiver to fix some minor issues, in between you talking on Vent during a raid.
Awesome Geek: Really shouldnt have gotten into that Firefly discussion with you. XD It bumped my call time for the day up a good but, but so worth it.
Dude who offered me a job:...Thanks! If Im ever in Arizona, Ill take you up on that. I...dont know what your company does, but thanks!
These are their stories.
Names have been changed to protect my faulty memory.
__________________________________________________ ______
Trial By Fire
When I was but a hapless noob to the game, just having gotten out of OJT, I took a very special call. A man calls in, and immediately requests a supe. Policy at the time was: This happens, find out the issue, deescalate if possible. If not, get a supe. Oh...oh how naive I was. Though, admittedly, he was far calmer than the situation may have warranted. He shall be known as Angry Husband.
Me: Thank you for calling Such and Such, how are you today?
AH: *In the kind of tone that says, "There is a raging demon of anger churning within me, but I do not wish to visit the Balrog of Hatred upon you, hapless tech support boy, and therefore will restrain myself* I need to speak to a manager. Higher there. Now. Please.
Me: *Blithely oblivious to looming danger....at first* I can certainly get you to a manager if necessary sir. May I ask what the issue is? Perhaps I can fix it for you? *in my happy happy I have a fun new job voice*
AH:*Seemingly mildly....amused, in a dark way*.....Sure. Why not. I have a complaint to make against one of your techs. Incidentally, he left his tools here when he....left....but thats not the complaint. The complaint is, he saw fit to use my bed whilst on the clock.
Me:*Sensing danger....our intrepid Tech Boy grows wary*....Ah, I do apologize. That was quite unprofessional...I dont kn--
AH: He was not napping.
Me:*happy voice wilts as a picture begins to form within my mind. Oh my. *
AH: He was in bed. With my wife. I trust I need not go into further detail?
Me:*happy voice all but destroyed.....shocked tone, as our hero attempts to thwart the demons rage*....Let me get a manager for you sir.
Ah: I thought you'd say that.
A Cautionary Tale
During my initial training, we were told a certain story to hinder any thoughts of joking around with the customer in any way that can be....misconstrued.
The story goes something like:
A customer calls in,complaining about the little "eye" on the front of the received. (the box that decodes the satellite signal, and feeds it to the tv), citing fear that it was held a camera of some kind within it. The CSR says, jokingly, "I assure you maam, none of our receivers have any sort of cameras installed within them. By the way, thats a lovely purple blouse your wearing. "
Customer is, indeed, wearing a purpose blouse.
Customer freaks out, hangs up, calls back in with hysterics.
CSR is sacked.
Training class cracks up.
In Which my Brain is Broken
The second week of OJT, our courageous hero, still learning the joys of customer tantrums, takes a very special call. For the record, this man sounded roughly like every redneck stereotype shoved together in a blender. I kept expecting to hear banjos in the background. I know rednecks. Im descended from them, after all. All wording kept as true to the original as possible I swear.
Me: Thank you for calling blah blah blah opening spiel
SC:YEah, I done got your satellite stuff hooked up, and all I gots is fuzz on the screen.
Me: Oh, I do apologize for that sir. Lets get this resolved. (Note:Common issue, usually 5 minute fix. Either bad connection from the receiver to the tv, or the tvs set to the wrong input. Oh ho ho, not the case here. I go through standard troubleshooting, when....)
Me: Ok, lets check the cable. This is a standard setup, so there should be a cable running from the tv to the back of the receiver, so--
SC: Naw, naw, I done ditched that dang thing. Yur installer kept sayin some shite about needin it, but thats bull. Everyone knows Satellites wireless.
Me:....You disconnected the receivers? Oh, that;d...um explain the issue. If we just recconnect those, it should--
SC: Naw Boy, you dont unnerstand---I said, Satellite be Wireless. Sides, I bashed them things up inna cube an dumped'em.
Me:...You....destroyed the receivers. *Our hero is faintly shocked...he's never heard of such idiocy before*
SC: Yeah, an I dun got another bone to pick wif yall--I had to rip a good fiddy feet of wirein outta the walls, and it done tore a lotta shit up. Yall gonna reimburse me for the repairs?
Me:....*Stunned silence...how does respond to such....blatant stupidity?*
SC: And I got some damage to my roof from takin that damned dish down to remount. Jackass stuck it on the roof, when i told;'em we wanted it in the tree.
Me:.......*Mind screaming. Surely this is a spell. Surely....Oh god. Brain. Breaking....
You.....threw out the receivers, ripped out the cabling, and ripped the dish off your roof, to nail to a tree? Because....in your words...."Satellites Wahrless....everyone knows that!!!" which you keep repeating, as if its some strange spell to make me do what you want. Oh my.
So, I go on to explain that, not only are we not going to reimburse him for the damage he caused ripping our wiring out, he has to pay for the receivers (leased, not owned), and pay to have everything re-installed. He was...not happy. I then took my break, to let my head stop hurting.
Wherein, I am thoroughly Freaked Out
In all my time on the phones, only one person ever squicked me out so badly, so horribly, that I actually asked for a supe to start listening in.
A woman calls in, complaining of her tv not turning on. Now, of note--its the TV not turning on. Not our receiver. I try to redirect her to the tv manufacturer, since I cannot send out a tech for an issue with the TVs power system. Not normally a big deal. She asks if I can help anyway--I, being the kind, generous, and lazy soul I am, figure it'll kill enough time to get me to lunch, and agree.
Almost immediately, things take a turn for the strange.
SC:*Ignores my advice*Are you christian son?
Me:*Warning, Warning, Do not answer. Question is Hazard Level-2* I'm afraid I don't discuss my religion on the clock maam. Now, if you could--
SC: *Interrupts* Its a simple question son, are you christian? I'd just hate to be talking to one of them devil worshipping atheists!
Me:.....*Warning, Warnings, Level 3 nutball, on the horizon* As I said maam, Im afraid I don't discuss my religion on the job. It causes too many issues. Now if we could get back to the tv....
SC: *ignores me....or in lala land....* You know, I know exactly how I going to die. Do you want to know?
Me:.......*Warning, Warning, Nutball has escalated to level 2. Do not give affirmative answer* I;m sorry maam, but that just isn't the sort of thing I can discuss while I am on the clock. If we could get back to the tv--
SC: Are you christian young man?
Me:....As Ive explained maam, I do not discuss my religious views on the clo--
SC: I know exactly how Im going to die. You see, Muslim extremeists are going to cut my head off.
Me:....O.o....Im....sorry? Maam this really isnt something I can--
SC: Their going to cut my head off, because Im going to post a video on youtube! Of me, pissing on an image of Mohammed.
Me......*Warning, Warning, Nutball has surpassed Level 1, approaching critical mass. * Ah...Maam that really isnt something I can discuss *While typing into work chat:"I....am massively uncomfortable here. Can a supe start listening in? Please? "*
SC" Lather. Rinse. Repeast. Fours. Times.
I had to hear that....spiel....about my religion, and her...ahh...death....four more times. While my supe is just staring at me, with a blank, disturbing look on her face. And all through that time, running through my head: "She can't post a vid like that. Not on youtube. Maybe Redtube. "
How are we, as a Race, still alive?
One of the most common issues I'd have while I worked there, that to this day makes me think we, as a race, are doomed, was the customers inability to find buttons on the remote. Now. Im not saying they should memorize the layout of the remote control. Not at all. But you should know where the, say, Number buttons are. I mean, their not hidden. And their in the same layout as any other remote. 1 is before 2. 2 is before 3. Etc. Etc.
Or, when I say, "press the red button" press....the red button. Not the green, or blue, or yellow. No, the RED button.
And, most damming of all, the Select button. Its big. And bright orange. In the middle of the remote. And yet....time after time....
SC:Ok, now what?
Me: Ok, now press Select. Its the-
SC: The WHAT? I aint got no button like that.
Me: Its the large orange one in the middle.
SC: Nah nah, aint got one. OH, you mean that big one, thats kinda orange?
Me:.....*headdesk, cries* Yes. That one.
__________________________________________________ _______
More stupidity to come!
For now, some shoutouts!
Cool old war dude--You rock. The 45 minute call was so worth it, if only for your awesome war stories. Talking to someone who brought aide to a concentration camp in WW2--a true Honour. I sincerely hope to meet you RL.
Warcraft guy: 30 minute call was awesome. Resetting a receiver to fix some minor issues, in between you talking on Vent during a raid.
Awesome Geek: Really shouldnt have gotten into that Firefly discussion with you. XD It bumped my call time for the day up a good but, but so worth it.
Dude who offered me a job:...Thanks! If Im ever in Arizona, Ill take you up on that. I...dont know what your company does, but thanks!
Not fun!
I'm surprised I've lasted this long. Then again, I'm pretty stubborn.
worthy for sure!
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