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I'm second tier tech support for... the other satellite company in the states.
Being second level, 95% of my calls are transfered to me, quite often invalidly but I know on those that the customer is inept before I even begin speaking to them.
If I'm talking to you it's supposed to be because you need a technician dispatched or a new satellite receiver sent out.
C=customer, M=me
--------------------------------
I had an account transfered in recently, and in the notes this customer calls in once roughly every 10 days. For the same issue. And, every time, it gets transfered to 'advanced tech'.
C: My tv is snowy again!
M: Do you have the remote that came with the tv?
C: Yes
M: OK great, just press input until it says AV1 on the screen then stop (very clearly, and repeatedly, noted)
C: It came back on!
M: Great, press SAT at the very top left of your satellite remote, it should light up and go back out.
C: Ok, now what.
M: Watch tv, it's all working properly again.
C: I want to know what you're going to do about this.
M: About what? I thought we had it working again?
C: I want a credit.
M: For... for what mam?
C: For all the trouble I've been having with this!
M: You... want a credit.
C: Yes
M: For not being able to operate the basic functions of the television you've owned for at least 10 years?
C: YES!
M: *pause....my brain breaks at this point* Umm there are no credits available when there is no malfunction of the equipmentt
C: I'll just cancel my service then if you aren't' going to compensate me for this (6 months into a 2 year commitment, approx $300 early termination fee).
M: One moment, let me get you to an account specialist
M: Yes i have a customer that wants credit for not knowing how to use their own tv...
Retentions agent: Uhh. Really?
M: Yep.
Retentions: They're not going to get it (cust was already receiving the maximum level of 'credits')
----------------
C: It says Hard drive failure.
M: I need to send you a new receiver box
C: Can I save my recordings?
M: They're already gone. The disk they were saved to has failed.
C: So there's no way?
M: Data recovery companies charge around $40,000 to even attempt to recover data from a dead hard drive.
C: Oh
-----------------
Note on this one: We use dual tuner receivers, with some very specialized equipment to allow for running multiple tv's with a single cable penetration.
C: Yeah I moved the receiver to the second tv location and now I've got signal loss.
M: Well, there's two ways I can make this work for you.
C: Really?
M: Yep, i can setup a technician to come out and make that work for you for (basic tech visit + $50), you can do the changes yourself which are actually quite easy
C: What do I have to change?
M: Go to where the cables are ran, under the house you say? Ok, crawl under there and swap these two cables around.
C: Uhh, how about I just put it back where it was
M: That would work too, and you just have to put your tv on the right channel in here.
-------------------
My fave version of that call
C: Yeah i'm trying to move the receiver from tv1 to tv2 and it's got signal loss now.
M: It won't work that way.
C: OH! Ok i'll go put it back *click*
-------------------
C: My tv is fuzzy
M: What channel is it on?
C: 3 like it always is
M: Is the light on on the receiver?
C: The what?
M: That black box hooked up to it
C: No
M: Press the power button
C: You fixed it!
-------------------
This one is why you are HIGHLY unlikely to get a credit from me.
M: Ok, we need to get a technician out there to fix this. I notice you don't have our extended warranty plan. I can sign you up for it right now to cover the costs involved in sending out a technician, as well as any equipment replacements we may need to do in the future for only $6 a month.
C: I can't really afford an extra $6 a month
M: Standard price is $95 without it.
C: I really can't afford that.
M: Let me see what I can do for you........ok since you've been with us so long I can waive the charge for you as a one time courtesy.
I setup the tech visit, waive $95 for this person and... they give me a 'fail' when the customer satisfaction survey comes back.
-------------------
C: Are you a Christian?
M: Mam, regligion and pollitics have no place in polite conversation.
-------------------
C: Are you in the United States?
M: I'm in Texas. The jury is out on whether it's actually in the states.
related:
C: Are you in the United States?
M: I didn't pick this accent up in Abu Dhabi
C: Just checking, I thought maybe you were just really into the roleplaying.
-------------------
C: Why the hell do I keep getting the phillipenes when I call in?
M: Because it's 3 in the afternoon over there and 11pm here.
-------------------
C: You speaky spanish?
M: English, redneck and roughneck only, un momento.
-------------------
C: My TV is posessed! It keeps changing channels on its own!
M: Have you contacted a priest?
(easy to fix actually but it got them to calm down)
-------------------
M: One moment (muted mic to let loose a massive sneeze... i'm talking 4 people looked at me and said "Holy smidt!", another 6 just stood up to see what had exploded.
C: Hello? Hello? he hung up on me howard! how rude of him!
M: Actuallly I just had to sneeze very violently and I thought I'd do you the favor of not having to hear it.
C: So how do I fix this?
M: You need to switch your tv out of digital broadcast mode.
C: How do I do that?
M: I cannot guide you on that because the tv is not our equipment, you said you just bought it so the instructions will be in the manual that came with it, or you can call their tech support number.
C: Why should I have to do that?
M: Do you call your power company to ask how to use your microwave?
*click*
-------------------
Transfering agent: Customer is missing channels
M: Which ones?
agent: all but one of them
M: Go ahead and transfer
M: I hear we're missing all but one channel?
C: Yes!
M: Ok, put it on the one channel you CAN get.
C: Ok. it's there. I'm so tired of CMT now though.
M: Press the SAT button at the very top left of the remote control
C: Ok it lit up green for a second and went out
M: Great.
C: Now what?
M: It's fixed, try changing channels
C: You fixed it! What was wrong?
M: Your remote got into the wrong mode. If that happens again just put it back on channel that works and hit that SAT button
C: I want a credit for all this trouble!
M: We don't give out credits for issues like this.
C: I'll cancel my account if you don't!
M: I need to transfer you now. (she hung up during the 30 seconds to transfer).
-------------------
C: My screen is fuzzy
M: Your tv is on the wrong input (trying my luck and testing the callers competence, you'd be surprised how often that actually works)
C: Oh.. That fixed it!
M: Anything else I can do for you today?
C: I've been on this phone for 3 hours with you guys and that was the problem all along?
M: I'm not sure how to respond to that...
-------------------
C: I don't want to talk to some arab, are you in the USA?
M: I'm in Texas, and I'd appreciate it if you showed my coworkers some respect
-------------------
some customers remind me of an episode of Star Trek: TNG... Their ship is broken down and all they can say is "It's broken" "What's wrong with it?" "it won't go". "Well, why not?" "Because it's broken".
It's not always the customer that's clueless. Often I encounter accounts showing a different set of satellites than what the customer actually has.
In this case, a pay in advance account had been given a receiver upgrade by our executive team and during activation, the mistake was discovered, by me. The type of receiver they got will not work with the satelllites they actually have, so I transfer them back to the executive team. The person I'm talkinig to literally does not want to believe that the information on their documentation is wrong. Umm really? I fix that info on about 1 out of 15 accounts every day... Dude even says to me "What do you want me to do?" "Well, either we can send them a Hi-Def receiver or we can have someone go install the right blasted satellite dish for what they have. I can't even fix the tags because this unit is on the account now." "I've pulled the work order and it says they got *blah* satellite dish installed" "And the receiver is reporting the two satellites it CAN see." "It wouldn't work at all then" "That HAS piqued my curiosity, it is working when it really shouldn't in the first place but only on the free to air channels. The software 'can' recognize the two satelites it's reporting due to local channels distribution across the country, the 3rd hi-def only satelite isn't showing up at all"
"Because it's not there." "No because the software won't recognize it."
That's 'my' week...
Being second level, 95% of my calls are transfered to me, quite often invalidly but I know on those that the customer is inept before I even begin speaking to them.
If I'm talking to you it's supposed to be because you need a technician dispatched or a new satellite receiver sent out.
C=customer, M=me
--------------------------------
I had an account transfered in recently, and in the notes this customer calls in once roughly every 10 days. For the same issue. And, every time, it gets transfered to 'advanced tech'.
C: My tv is snowy again!
M: Do you have the remote that came with the tv?
C: Yes
M: OK great, just press input until it says AV1 on the screen then stop (very clearly, and repeatedly, noted)
C: It came back on!
M: Great, press SAT at the very top left of your satellite remote, it should light up and go back out.
C: Ok, now what.
M: Watch tv, it's all working properly again.
C: I want to know what you're going to do about this.
M: About what? I thought we had it working again?
C: I want a credit.
M: For... for what mam?
C: For all the trouble I've been having with this!
M: You... want a credit.
C: Yes
M: For not being able to operate the basic functions of the television you've owned for at least 10 years?
C: YES!
M: *pause....my brain breaks at this point* Umm there are no credits available when there is no malfunction of the equipmentt
C: I'll just cancel my service then if you aren't' going to compensate me for this (6 months into a 2 year commitment, approx $300 early termination fee).
M: One moment, let me get you to an account specialist
M: Yes i have a customer that wants credit for not knowing how to use their own tv...
Retentions agent: Uhh. Really?
M: Yep.
Retentions: They're not going to get it (cust was already receiving the maximum level of 'credits')
----------------
C: It says Hard drive failure.
M: I need to send you a new receiver box
C: Can I save my recordings?
M: They're already gone. The disk they were saved to has failed.
C: So there's no way?
M: Data recovery companies charge around $40,000 to even attempt to recover data from a dead hard drive.
C: Oh
-----------------
Note on this one: We use dual tuner receivers, with some very specialized equipment to allow for running multiple tv's with a single cable penetration.
C: Yeah I moved the receiver to the second tv location and now I've got signal loss.
M: Well, there's two ways I can make this work for you.
C: Really?
M: Yep, i can setup a technician to come out and make that work for you for (basic tech visit + $50), you can do the changes yourself which are actually quite easy
C: What do I have to change?
M: Go to where the cables are ran, under the house you say? Ok, crawl under there and swap these two cables around.
C: Uhh, how about I just put it back where it was
M: That would work too, and you just have to put your tv on the right channel in here.
-------------------
My fave version of that call
C: Yeah i'm trying to move the receiver from tv1 to tv2 and it's got signal loss now.
M: It won't work that way.
C: OH! Ok i'll go put it back *click*
-------------------
C: My tv is fuzzy
M: What channel is it on?
C: 3 like it always is
M: Is the light on on the receiver?
C: The what?
M: That black box hooked up to it
C: No
M: Press the power button
C: You fixed it!
-------------------
This one is why you are HIGHLY unlikely to get a credit from me.
M: Ok, we need to get a technician out there to fix this. I notice you don't have our extended warranty plan. I can sign you up for it right now to cover the costs involved in sending out a technician, as well as any equipment replacements we may need to do in the future for only $6 a month.
C: I can't really afford an extra $6 a month
M: Standard price is $95 without it.
C: I really can't afford that.
M: Let me see what I can do for you........ok since you've been with us so long I can waive the charge for you as a one time courtesy.
I setup the tech visit, waive $95 for this person and... they give me a 'fail' when the customer satisfaction survey comes back.
-------------------
C: Are you a Christian?
M: Mam, regligion and pollitics have no place in polite conversation.
-------------------
C: Are you in the United States?
M: I'm in Texas. The jury is out on whether it's actually in the states.
related:
C: Are you in the United States?
M: I didn't pick this accent up in Abu Dhabi
C: Just checking, I thought maybe you were just really into the roleplaying.
-------------------
C: Why the hell do I keep getting the phillipenes when I call in?
M: Because it's 3 in the afternoon over there and 11pm here.
-------------------
C: You speaky spanish?
M: English, redneck and roughneck only, un momento.
-------------------
C: My TV is posessed! It keeps changing channels on its own!
M: Have you contacted a priest?
(easy to fix actually but it got them to calm down)
-------------------
M: One moment (muted mic to let loose a massive sneeze... i'm talking 4 people looked at me and said "Holy smidt!", another 6 just stood up to see what had exploded.
C: Hello? Hello? he hung up on me howard! how rude of him!
M: Actuallly I just had to sneeze very violently and I thought I'd do you the favor of not having to hear it.
C: So how do I fix this?
M: You need to switch your tv out of digital broadcast mode.
C: How do I do that?
M: I cannot guide you on that because the tv is not our equipment, you said you just bought it so the instructions will be in the manual that came with it, or you can call their tech support number.
C: Why should I have to do that?
M: Do you call your power company to ask how to use your microwave?
*click*
-------------------
Transfering agent: Customer is missing channels
M: Which ones?
agent: all but one of them
M: Go ahead and transfer
M: I hear we're missing all but one channel?
C: Yes!
M: Ok, put it on the one channel you CAN get.
C: Ok. it's there. I'm so tired of CMT now though.
M: Press the SAT button at the very top left of the remote control
C: Ok it lit up green for a second and went out
M: Great.
C: Now what?
M: It's fixed, try changing channels
C: You fixed it! What was wrong?
M: Your remote got into the wrong mode. If that happens again just put it back on channel that works and hit that SAT button
C: I want a credit for all this trouble!
M: We don't give out credits for issues like this.
C: I'll cancel my account if you don't!
M: I need to transfer you now. (she hung up during the 30 seconds to transfer).
-------------------
C: My screen is fuzzy
M: Your tv is on the wrong input (trying my luck and testing the callers competence, you'd be surprised how often that actually works)
C: Oh.. That fixed it!
M: Anything else I can do for you today?
C: I've been on this phone for 3 hours with you guys and that was the problem all along?
M: I'm not sure how to respond to that...
-------------------
C: I don't want to talk to some arab, are you in the USA?
M: I'm in Texas, and I'd appreciate it if you showed my coworkers some respect
-------------------
some customers remind me of an episode of Star Trek: TNG... Their ship is broken down and all they can say is "It's broken" "What's wrong with it?" "it won't go". "Well, why not?" "Because it's broken".
It's not always the customer that's clueless. Often I encounter accounts showing a different set of satellites than what the customer actually has.
In this case, a pay in advance account had been given a receiver upgrade by our executive team and during activation, the mistake was discovered, by me. The type of receiver they got will not work with the satelllites they actually have, so I transfer them back to the executive team. The person I'm talkinig to literally does not want to believe that the information on their documentation is wrong. Umm really? I fix that info on about 1 out of 15 accounts every day... Dude even says to me "What do you want me to do?" "Well, either we can send them a Hi-Def receiver or we can have someone go install the right blasted satellite dish for what they have. I can't even fix the tags because this unit is on the account now." "I've pulled the work order and it says they got *blah* satellite dish installed" "And the receiver is reporting the two satellites it CAN see." "It wouldn't work at all then" "That HAS piqued my curiosity, it is working when it really shouldn't in the first place but only on the free to air channels. The software 'can' recognize the two satelites it's reporting due to local channels distribution across the country, the 3rd hi-def only satelite isn't showing up at all"
"Because it's not there." "No because the software won't recognize it."
That's 'my' week...
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