Listen to the safety demo!

[AirHostess]

This week I had so many rude passengers talking through my safety demo or reading their newspapers! The purser told them to be quiet.



I really felt like saying 'don't expect me to assist you in an emergency situation if you didn't bother paying me any attention!'

[Kilamon]

Maybe it's time to fix the safety demo. Y'know, like Soul Plane.

[trunks2k]

Everytime I fly they say "pay attention because things may have changed". But it always seems to be that same set of stuff. Safety card in front of you, exits this way and that, follow the lights on the floor, air mask pops down from the ceiling, etc... The only thing that I've seen change is where the life jackets are.

I think one of these days you should see who is really paying attention. "In the event of loss of cabin pressure, a hundred midgets with air canisters will pop out from the aisle floor. Do what they say, you don't want to get them mad"

[BuhMule]

Try something like SWA does, use off-the-wall wording to keep them captivated. I know I'll never forget:

"In the event of a water landing, we are really off-course!"

[trunks2k]

"In the even of snakes on the plane, do NOT have sex in the bathroom"

[Jester]

As a small defense here, many of them are probably like George Carlin and myself, in that we have heard the "safety lecture" so many times we can do it ourselves. No, they should not have been TALKING during it, but I hardly ever listen anymore, to be honest. But at least I am polite and ignore the safety thing silently.

That being said, I would be remiss in my duties as a Jester if I did not share with you George Carlin's take on this. As a flight attendant, you may find this amusing. The following is reprinted without permission or express written consent from Major League Baseball:



As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seatbelts. Imagine this, here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle.

"Place the small metal flap into the buckle." Well, I asked for clarification at that point. Over here please, over here, yes, thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap? I'm a simple man; I do not possess an engineering degree nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Please continue with the wonderful safety lecture. Seatbelt--high-tech shit.

The safety lecture continues. "In the unlikely event . ." This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times. "In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure…" --ROOF FLIES OFF!-- "...an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally.

They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, he could goddamn, jolly-well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as say, for instance, a seatbelt.

The safety lecture continues. "In the unlikely event of a water landing..." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!? "...your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device." Well, imagine that, my seat cushion... Just what I need--to float around the North Atlantic for several days, clinging to a pillow full of beer farts.

The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off. "Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought onboard." Well, let's start with “immediate seating area…” SEAT! It's a goddamn seat! Check around your seat! "For any personal belongings." Well, what other kinds of belongings are there, besides personal--public belongings? Do these people honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park. "You might have brought onboard." Well, I might have brought my arrowhead collection--I didn't, so I'm not going to look for it! I am going to look for things I brought onboard, which seems to enhance my likelihood of finding something, wouldn't you say?

About this time, they tell you you'll be “landing shortly.” That sound to you like we're gonna miss the runway. “Final approach” is not very promising either, is it? Final is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes, the pilot will get on and he'll say, "We'll be on the ground in 15 minutes." Well, that's a little vague, isn't it?
Now we're taxiing in, she says, "Welcome to O'Hare International Airport..." Well, how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet? Doesn't this violate some fundamental law of physics? We're only on the ground for 4 seconds; she's coming on like the fucking mayor's wife! "...where the local time…" Well, of course it's the local time. What did you think we were expecting -- the time in Pango Pango?

"Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be." All destinations are final! That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren’t there yet.

"The captain has asked..." More shit from the bogus captain. You know, for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane, he's taking a mighty big interest in what I'm doing back here. "...that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop.” Not a partial stop, cause during a partial stop, I partially get up. "Continue to observe the no-smoking sign until well inside the terminal." It's physically impossible to observe the no-smoking sign even if you're standing just outside the door of the airplane, much less well inside the terminal. You can't even see the fucking planes from well inside the terminal.

Which brings me to terminal -- another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, don't they? Somehow I just can't get hungry at a place called the Terminal Snack Bar. But, if you've ever eaten there, you know it IS an appropriate name.

[Dreamstalker]

No, they should not have been TALKING during it, but I hardly ever listen anymore, to be honest. But at least I am polite and ignore the safety thing silently.

If I'm on a new aircraft type or transatlantic flight, I listen at least once (even though craft type seems to be irrelevant to the briefings). But I pretty much have most safety cards for most domestic aircraft memorized by now anyway.

I love the SWA safety lectures. Someone on another forum said that he was on a flight where they did the lecture as normal, and then re-did it in rap.

One line I remember in particular: "If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child..." The landing announcements can be quite funny as well.

[tollbaby]

That being said, I would be remiss in my duties as a Jester if I did not share with you George Carlin's take on this. As a flight attendant, you may find this amusing. The following is reprinted without permission or express written consent from Major League Baseball:

Jester, I needed that Of course, all my cubicle-mates think I'm a nut because I've been giggling uncontrollably for the last ten minutes....

I've heard the safety lecture so often, that I *could* give it. Matter of fact, I've demonstrated for my boyfriend because he didn't believe me I just tend to read or knit while she's giving it, although I will usually make eye contact a few times during (they seem to like that, because they always smile at me when I do it... maybe she just HAS to smile at people when they look at her, and I'm really pissing her off by continually forcing her to smile.... wow... never though of that before... I wonder what George's take on THAT would be)

[Gurndigarn]

Try something like SWA does, use off-the-wall wording to keep them captivated. I know I'll never forget:

"In the event of a water landing, we are really off-course!"

"To avoid arriving at the terminal before the plane does, please remain in your seat with the seat belts fastened. Thank you."

[bigjimaz]

I have flown on several different airlines and while I remain quiet because there is an outside chance that there is someone aboard who has never flown before, I quit paying attention to the safety warning because they are all basically the same, no matter which airline or airliner. Maybe, as suggested before, if they were improvised they would be worth paying attention to, at least for us seasoned airline passengers.

[Imogene]

Let's see how much of this I remember:
"Yes, yes, we all know the emergency procedures. I think they need to spice things up a bit. I listen closely, just in case they decide to trick us. "These are real emergency exits, those are just painted on. This' a seatbelt, this' how you use it."
...
Show me again! I must be certain I got it right!"
/really bad Eddie Izzard, I think...

[Arachne]

I don't talk during the safety procedures, but I've flown so often that I don't listen anymore. I have the thing memorized. (Seriously, I checked one time, mouthing along with the flight attendant. I even got the cadence and pauses spot on.)

When I get on the plane and get to my seat, I take a moment to figure out where all of the emergency exits are and rank them mentally in order of how close they are to me. (In case the closest one is inoperable or unreachable). Then, first thing, I read the safety card. After that, there's really nothing new.

Talking during the procedure is rude, however. That's pretty basic manners -- don't talk while someone else has the floor.

[captainvegetable02]

I'm a big fan of the safety speech in Tommy Boy.

[HalloranElder]

Hmm...

Lately I've been flying about 8 or 10 times a year. Every time I do, when they start the safety speech, I stop whatever I am doing, and listen.

I have heard this entire speech countless number of times, and yes, I can (and sometimes do) say it along with them, but I listen every time just on the odd chance that it actually has changed. The thing is, if it has changes, are you going to notice if you don't listen?

It's boring, but I would rather waste the couple of minutes at the start of the flight listening to something that I have heard countless times before than not take the time to do so, and potentially miss something that may save my life.

[wj_737_700]

I usually end up reading the safety cards a few hundred times just because there's basically nothing to do until the seatbelt sign goes off. Am I the only one that also counts the number of rows (from my seat) to the emergency exit?

Okay i'll confess, there was one time I undid my belt while taxiing . It was 2000, Air Canada flight 101 (toronto- Vancouver, 767). I was in my seat, which was an overwing emergency exit (with the bulkhead in front of me so the window was more 'forward' than normal) There were two Antonov 124 aircraft sitting at an apron that I REALLY wanted to get a picture of and I needed to undo my belt to get it.
I look back and think *red foreman voice* DUMBASS.