Wherein We Navigate The Storm

[Gravekeeper]

I'm missing some of my notes from work this week ( more due to tired forgetfulness than anything else ), so this will be somewhat abridged and next week will be somewhat more plump. >.>




This is a Ticketable Offence

Me: “-and you can expect that to arrive in about 2 weeks."
SC: “Thank you”
Me: “You’re welcome-“
SC: “My son talked me into this.”

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See that big spiel I just did? About thanking you for calling and your expected delivery time? That’s what’s called a closing script. As in, that is the end of this call. Our business here has been concluded. Now we must part ways and walk our own paths. It does not indicate that our business is concluded, so now we can get around to having a nice little chat. You are violating the CGC Prevention Act of 1992, which is a clear prohibition on topics that you are not permitted to engage a complete stranger in: Children, Grandchildren & Cats.

This carries at least a $200 fine.




By Your Powers Combined

SC: “The smell is horrible, I have to leave my house now!”

Well, I keep telling you to clean it and check the crawlspace for bodies. But you never listen. So really, you only have yourself to blame here. I tried to help, I really did.


SC: “And they never call me back. What’s wrong with them?”

While I do believe that there are things wrong with people in this scenario, I don’t think it’s actually with them. As for why they never call you back. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s because they’ve grown tired of having to call you back every day for a month. But that’s just my little pet theory. You don’t have to listen to it. I just wanted to throw it out there, you know. Get the ideas flowing. I’m sure you have a perfectly rational idea for why they don’t return your calls.


( Amusingly she hasn't called again so far. So she must have really left her house. >.> )




SERIOUS BIZNESS

I learned this evening on transit that pickles are serious business.

A pair of young lads stepped on to the Skytrain on the way downtown already mid conversation and the first thing I heard was “Pickles are a condiment, not a vegetable”. I assumed that this was a joke of dubious quality. The sort of offhand remark one makes when broached with the awkward topic of…er….pickles. But I was tragically mistaken.

For the next thing I heard was: “Paul….PAUL!! Pickles are a condiment, not a vegetable!” spoken in a dead serious, even venomous tone. This was a real argument, and Paul had apparently tired of it. So was now dispensing the silent treatment. Sadly, they then proceeded to sit down and bitterly hiss at one another in whispered tones. So I was not privy to the exact context of this argument, nor which side had the stronger position: Condiment or Vegetable.

Eventually they simply ceased talking to one another. So I assume neither side emerged victorious. Thus, sadly, we will never truly know what a pickle is.



Jeebus!

Me: “Are you calling to p-“
SC: “HI CAN I ORDER JACKET?!”

Easy there, Pikachu. I know this is exciting but there’s no need to rush. The jackets aren’t going anywhere. So take a deep breath and go to your happy place. You’ll get your jacket. Relax.


SC: “MY NAME IS SARAH! I LIVE AT <ADDRESS> I WAS BORN SEPT 7TH, 1971 AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU NEED!”

Whoa! Calm down, calm down. It’s ok, man. It’s ok. Just relax. No one needs to get hurt here. We’ll get you your jacket. Everything will be alright. Just put the gun down. It’ll be ok, I promise. Ok?


Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: “I DON’T KNOW! <someone in the background mutters something to her> Yeah, well I’m OLDER THAN YOU! BITCH!”

Ok, I’m calling it. Someone radio for the SWAT team.




Alrighty Then

Allow me to quote, verbatim, the conversation I heard on the escalator at Granville:

“You know you’re in the way”
“You’re judging me!”
“What? I’m not judging you, you’re really in the way”
“That’s judgmental! Stop judging me!”
“No! You’re just in the way, people can’t get by you.”
“That’s prejudice! You’re just prejudice against white people!”

Fortunately ( Unfortunately? ) they were on the down escalator whilst I was heading up so they drifted out of earshot by that point.




Stormy Seas

Me: “What is your name please, sir?”
SC: “Shane”
Me: “Spell it for me please?”
SC: “S”
Me: “…….............?”
SC: “…….................................”
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “H”

I hate to be a bother, I really do. But global warming is moving at a faster rate than you are. So if you could please put at least a little bit of a rush on things it would be much appreciated. At the current pace, this is not so much a call as it is a bitter contest between the two of us to see who can stave off starvation the longest.


Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “What’s the entire number, please?”
SC: “Uhhhhh……407….xxx.”
Me: “407-xxx-xxxx?”
SC: “Yep.”

...…If you say so, but I think 407 is the area code for Florida. I can’t help but feel you’ve made a tragic mistake. But you seem confident in your proclamation despite the fact your address places you thousands of kms from Florida.



Me: “And the item number, please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “I only have those in stock in small.”
SC: “Yep”
Me: “You want it in small?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Yep.”

I….can’t really tell if you’re giving me legitimate answers or if you’re just confused and panicking.


Me: “And the next item number?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t have that in stock.”
SC: “Yep.”

You’re just panicking, aren’t you? Your fragile mental abilities were overwhelmed by the time we hit your phone number, weren’t they? The rest of this has just been desperate verbal flailing.


Me: “Is that everything?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright, by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Yep.”

You have no idea what’s going on now, do you? Do you even know where you are?



Me: “and your total will come to $xxx”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “and should arrive in about 2 weeks.”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “What else can I help you with?”
SC: “Yep.”

Tragically, I can see that the intrepid vessel that was your brain simply wasn’t able to cope with the raging sea of confusion that was reciting your own phone number. It appears to have capsized and been lost amongst the waves. Leaving you adrift, desperately clinging to the one piece of verbal wreckage you could find: The word “Yep”.




Stormy Seas II

Me: “And your name please, sir?”
SC: “Shane”
Me: “Didn’t I just speak with you?”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “And you want to place another order?”
SC: “Yep.”

Do you really want to place another order, or are you just having a mental break down?


Me: “And your number again please, sir?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “What was the area code again please?”
SC: “………uh……….”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Yep.”

I knew this would come back to haunt me. You didn’t really know the first time, did you? You were just randomly guessing. Throwing out numbers and just hoping that somehow that would get you closer to the….er…...wait....women’s clothing?…you were after…..ok that just took a bit of an odd turn.


Me: “What was the area code, please?”
SC: “<postal code>”
Me: “No, I need your area code. For your phone number, please.”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Its first three digits of your phone number.”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “What are they, please?”
SC: “………21”

You have absolutely no idea what I am talking about do you? And all of my explanations are going to be too complicated for you to grasp, aren’t they?


Me: “….I need the area code for your phone number please, sir.”
SC: “What’s an area code?”
Me: “It’s the first 3 numbers of your phone number.”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Its the ones just before that.”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “....No, it's only 3 numbers.”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “It's 3 numbers, not 4.”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “I need to know the area code please sir.”
SC: “……………………xxxxxxx.”

…..You’re just throwing random numbers at me again, hoping you can somehow fluke your way around this obstacle, aren’t you? You’re trying to make the bad man stop badgering you with questions and making your head hurt, when all you want is more…..er…..lady pants.


Me: “…….It should just be 3 numbers, at the first of your phone number.”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “The 3 numbers before that.”
SC: “002”

Well at least you’ve figured out its suppose to be 3 numbers. But you’re still obviously guessing at random.


Me: “That wouldn’t be it, sir.”
SC: “Wha?”
Me: “I need to know the area code, sir.”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Me: “I can’t place an order for you without it.”
SC: “…………………………….I dun know.”
Me: “Then I can’t place an order for you.”
SC: “Yep.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Yep.”

I see you’ve capsized again.







annnd rest >.>

[pageantmama]

So I have to know, this lady that is smelling stuff, has anyone actually went into her apartment to see if they smell anything? Or is it just her smelling it? I read a ghost story once and this girl could see ghosts and she would know one was around because she would smell something rotten first, then see the spirit. Maybe she is clairvoyant and there are lots of ghosts hanging around

[Gravekeeper]

So I have to know, this lady that is smelling stuff, has anyone actually went into her apartment to see if they smell anything? Or is it just her smelling it?

Yes, they followed up a few times with her but have taken to just ignoring her calls now. I don't blame them. This has been going on for months with her calling more and more often till she was basically calling every day straight for a month.

[thehuckster]

So I have to know, this lady that is smelling stuff, has anyone actually went into her apartment to see if they smell anything? Or is it just her smelling it? I read a ghost story once and this girl could see ghosts and she would know one was around because she would smell something rotten first, then see the spirit. Maybe she is clairvoyant and there are lots of ghosts hanging around

She sure sounds crazy enough to at least claim that.

[PatchO'Black]

Actually, pickles can ether be a fruit or a vegetable, and may or may not be a condiment depending both on what was pickled and how it is being used. Not that this person would probably understand this, nor would you want to be caught up in his conversation.

[Kaibutsu]

*eye twitches*
Woe to the first being to utter the word "Yep." in my direction today.

[Kanalah]

*somehow holds back to urge to post the youtube video of Big Macintosh saying "yup"*

[Hermione]

I read a ghost story once and this girl could see ghosts and she would know one was around because she would smell something rotten first, then see the spirit. Maybe she is clairvoyant and there are lots of ghosts hanging around

That customer is just annoying, but this is absolutely true.

Just like moans and screams in an old abandoned psych hospital are signs of a residual haunting, so are smells. For example if I go downstairs in the old Birdcage Theater where days long poker games were played, I'll take an unlit cigar down there as a trigger object and would be likely to smell cigar smoke. Horse manure has been smelled during the middle of the night at the old Castillo de San Marcos in St. Augustine Florida too.

If you smell sulphur, just leave. That's BADDDDDDDDDDDD stuff. Usually demonic in nature.

Why yes, I'm a Ghost Adventures fan, and why yes, Zak Bagans is hot.

[Andara Bledin]

Amusingly she hasn't called again so far. So she must have really left her house. >.>

That means she's out in the wild. Just think of all the smells she'll encounter while away from the safety of her home. Then again, there's a good chance you'll get to hear all about it the next time she calls in.

Actually, it might be a good idea for this woman to see a doctor. It's quite possible there's something wonky in her brain causing her to believe she smells something that's just not there.

So I was not privy to the exact context of this argument, nor which side had the stronger position: Condiment or Vegetable.

Eventually they simply ceased talking to one another. So I assume neither side emerged victorious. Thus, sadly, we will never truly know what a pickle is.

I suspect I would have to side with the condiment lady. Cucumbers are vegetables, but once you pickle 'em, they turn into a condiment, or possibly a side dish or appetizer, depending on form factor.

Stormy Seas

Shane is quite the extra sort of special, isn't he?

SC: “Yep.”

Actually, pickles can ether be a fruit or a vegetable, and may or may not be a condiment depending both on what was pickled and how it is being used.

Pickles, with no designation, pretty much always refers to pickled cucumbers. And the whole fruit/vegetable debate has different answers dependent upon context.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

That means she's out in the wild. Just think of all the smells she'll encounter while away from the safety of her home.

There's a Hyperbole and a Half story in there somewhere. -.-

[Dark Psion]

Cucumbers are fruit

Relish is a condiment

Dill Pickles are an abomination to nature

If I taste a dill pickle, that dill taste is in my mouth for three days.

[cinema guy]

Actually, pickles can ether be a fruit or a vegetable,

And pickled herring?

Pickles, with no designation, pretty much always refers to pickled cucumbers.

I would have said that 'pickles' referred to pickled onions. But that may just be this side of the ocean.

[Tama]

Mmm, pickles. And for some reason, pickle juice. Sour of course.

Generally if it comes from a flower, isn't it a fruit?

[Sleepwalker]

There's a Hyperbole and a Half story in there somewhere. -.-

And it's one that meshes nicely with the yuppie tale.

[Shalom]

Actually, it might be a good idea for this woman to see a doctor. It's quite possible there's something wonky in her brain causing her to believe she smells something that's just not there.

Or maybe she has a sinus infection or an abscess somewhere in her nasopharynx, and she's smelling it from the inside. Of course this would also give her breath that would choke a hog, but you can't smell her through the phone.

Horse manure has been smelled during the middle of the night at the old Castillo de San Marcos in St. Augustine Florida too.

Back in the fifties there was a pervasive smell of elephants in the 47th Street subway station. Took them a while to figure out that the old Hippodrome had once been on the site. They had occasionally hosted the Barnum & Bailey Circus, who'd buried their accumulated elephant shit in the subbasements, not knowing what else to do with it. This was fine until a water main broke and soaked the ground.

(The Transit Authority had one employee, James Patrick "Smelly" Kelly, whose full-time occupation was to trace down the source of odors emanating from the subway, or else to prove that they came from elsewhere, and thus not the NYCTA's responsibility. He was the one who eventually figured out about the elephants.)