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Wherein My Sexuality Is Challenged......Again
A dark beast approaches. >.>
Gasp!
Me: “And your number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh my GOD!”
Yes, it’s shocking I know! That was a hard hitting, personal question, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have asked that. I just thought, you know, that you might want to get all of those numbers off your chest once and for all. But I have assumed wrongly it seems. Again, you have my deepest apologies. We can talk about your phone number whenever you’re ready, alright?
National Crisis
SC: “I am a dual citizen, do I have a right to talk to you?”
Y-yes?
SC: “Cus I’m an American and a dual citizen, is there uh…..uhhhh…kinda a of a piece of paper you can send to me to tell me if I have rights on both sides of the border?”
First of all: Who exactly do you think you're calling? Second of all: You do have rights on both sides of the border. Oddly enough, neither Canada or the US is a barren third world country regardless of how winter in Alberta looks. Still, I really think you have the wrong number here, my friend.
SC: “I’m phoning in for help, I’m a registered Indian member and the point of the phone call is that my family has been abducted by American citizens, but they were married into Canada and they’re getting harassed by people that don’t respect Americans.”
So, let me see if I have this: Your family has been kidnapped by evil Americans that have married into Canadian citizenship and where ever they’re being held they’re surrounded by other Canadians who are disrespecting them? Right, ok, I think I got it. But I still have one teensy tiny question: Why are you telling me this on a tech support line?
National Crisis II
SC: “You didn’t really confirm all my questions…..”
That would be because I hung up on you. You see, you're what the rest of us out here in non-gremlin infested melting clock land call "Crazy". I know you may not realize it from in there, but every time you try to beat gremlin to death with a shovel made out of spiders it might actually be a real person out here. So we are understandably wary about your presence.
Me: “Sir, you’ll have to contact your local police if you’re having problems.”
SC: “And after that they’ll contact you if there’s a very needy need?”
No, no they won't. Unless they have a very needy need for a software key.
SC: “If people are in national distress, aren’t you guys suppose to be here?”
Me: “….National distress?”
SC: “You know, the UN.”
Wait, go back a step here. The runaway train of your thought took a corner a tad too fast as I fear I was flung from the caboose into a drainage ditch. Do you think I’m the UN? And that the United Nations is suppose to interfere when people are rude to your family? ….Wait, do you think you’re a country? That’s it, isn’t it? You do, don’t you? Suddenly everything makes sense.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but oddly enough declaring your living room sovereign territory via a Facebook status update does not legally make you a nation. You may wish to retract your war declaration on Pizza Hut for crossing your borders.
Yes, Yes You Are
SC: “Who am I calling?”
Me: “This is <company>”
SC: “<company>? I’m not calling <company>.”
I fear there is an overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary.
They Really Should Make One
Me: “Alright, your credit card is coming back as invalid, could you reconfirm the number for me please, sir?"
SC: “9.......um, 5......3……….uhhhh………..ummm………………..n, no, no….uh…..no….1……uhhhh….the number 1……”
You wouldn’t think there would be a market for a combination breathalyzer / credit card, but there you go.
Me: “Alright, so your order will come t-"
SC: "$700 worth! You know what that is?"
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “You know why?”
……..No?
SC: “I was given by my mother a present for my birthday on Sept 9th, uh, for $700, and I just put them in my drawer, and uh….I didn’t buy anything or do anything with it, uhh. I was just gonna keep it. Then all of a sudden I said, why not spend it now! It’s a <hiccup>, it’s a good idea, right?”
Sure....sure it is......I’m terribly sorry though, could you hold a moment? I’m need to try figure out how to administer a road side sobriety test over the phone.
How Did You...?
When I arrived at the Skytrain station this evening I was greeted by the sight of 2 ambulances, a fire truck and a police van. What prompted this emergency congregation? Well, apparently, it was but one single, lone drunken man on the platform. Who was being attended too by at least 6 officers, 2 firemen and 2 paramedics. Several of which looked rather amused. Thus the question remains: Exactly what did this singular lush do to provoke such an emergency response? And how did it involve fire? There were no obvious signs of damage to the platform and the paramedics were providing him with cloth to cover his exposed bits. So I can only assume that he somehow managed to light himself aflame before running up and down the platform, clutching his smoldering buttocks in the manner of a Looney Tunes cartoon.
Honest, If Nothing Else
Me: “And your number there please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh, I have no idea.”
Well….I admire your honesty if nothing else. Honesty is the best policy, even if its evidently not the most effective one.
Er....
Me: “Good evening, <plumbing & heating company>"
SC: “Yeah, hi, can I get two meat lovers?”
Oooookay.......look, when you call a pizza place and ask that question, its a food order. When you call a plumbing company and ask that question, its the opening scene of a porno.
You may want to pay a bit more attention in the future.
With No Apologies To Ottawa
Yes, you are correct random passing motorist in a white minivan. The Ottawa Senators do suck, and it is statistically possible that some of them may have been conceived outside of wedlock. Though I don’t know why you thought this information was so pressing that it needed to be yelled out your window while waiting at the intersection. But thank you for the heads up just the same.
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Me: “Are you cal-“
SC: “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh”
Me: “-ling to place an order?
SC: “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………..I was gonna make uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………”
This…..this is going to be real bad isn’t it? Really, really bad.
SC: “uhhhhhh……..COD.”
Ordering requires that you provide me with a basic list of accurate, coherent information…..are you really sure you wish to do this? No offence, but my first impressions of you here did not include the term “accurate” or “coherent”. Nor anything even remotely related to the sphere of either concept. “Intoxicated” on the other hand leapt right to the forefront, hand in hand with “Drinks paint”. It was so close in fact it was a photo finish and the judges are still debating.
Me: “Spell your first name for me please, ma'am?”
SC: “Uh………hold on……………..”
I have this dark, ominous feeling. Like I’m travelling in third class on the Titantic and wondering what that noise was.
SC: “….F...…….Frank? I was trying to buy….uh……a sweater.”
There’s really no hope for us here, is there? This was all doomed from the start. We can only watch this tragedy play out in slow motion.
Me: “Is there a PO box number?”
SC: “Bo-eses….box..eses…..”
Preeeeecious box-eses? The hobbits takes them from us?
Me: “And which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “WhicadaloshamIordarin?”
…..What? Oh man, this is bad. We’re going down fast and I don’t think there are any lifeboats left. It’s you, me and the band.
SC: “Its, uh, Vicky.....9....Fo......for....”
……That….was that suppose to be the postal code off the catalog? You know, despite my overwhelming fear of how much worse this could possibly get, I must admit a growing curiosity as to how you even managed to dial our number without inadvertently harming yourself.
SC: “I’m trynna order sweater”
Yes, I gathered that much at least.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “Uhh…..hold on……”
I await with bated breath.
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhh…..what about those kind of sweaters?”
Me: “What, sorry?”
SC: “Black and grey?”
Me: “…..You mean the one you just ordered?”
SC: “Ya!”
Me: “…Yes, it was black.”
SC: “Do you need the number?!”
Me: “….No?”
If it’s any consolation, I’m as lost as you are at this point.
Me: “Was there anything else?”
SC: “Yay! I wanna order 2 sweatars”
Yay!
SC: “Uhhhhh…waravictah?”
Me: “What was that sorry?”
SC: “I’m asking you what I said den?”
Me: “I don’t understand, sorry?”
And I probably never will. Somehow I am okay with that though.
SC: “Will it fit me? The sweater.”
….How the Hell would I know? No, really. What sort of technology do you think the telephone possesses? I am unaware of your various dimensions and the telephone does not actually have any method of gathering this information. Barring any sort of clairvoyance, there is literally no way for me to answer that question with a definitive.
We do have a return policy and while normally I would encourage you to ensure it would fit first before you order it to avoid returns, at this point I would perfer you simply take it and go. If it doesn't fit, oh well, just return it. Preferably at a time when I am not on shift.
Really, whatever will make you go away at this point is absolutely fine by me.
Something Wicked This Way Comes II
Me: “Good ev-“
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Me: “Pardon?”
Ok, really, is that some sort of tribal war cry?
SC: “I just made a COD before, just, like, a while ago...I’m trying…………………”
……trying? Trying to what? Form a coherent sentence? Use a word with more than two syllables? Subdue an errant walrus?
SC: “Can you tell me what I ordered?”
…..You forgot? I'll give you a hint: SWEATARZ.
SC: “I wanbyshoesda.”
Are you lost? I’m lost. Let’s be lost together. It’ll probably be more productive then whatever we’re trying to accomplish right now.
SC: “Know what I mean?”
Me: “I don’t know what you mean, no, sorry”
SC: “I’m trynna order from this book. I want new shoes for ma bro.”
Oh, well then, we can’t waste another moment if your bro is involved.
SC: “Thersnomuch calls is there? I dun want that.”
Me: “What, sorry?”
SC: “……………….”
I take it you need a moment to process? Well, go ahead then. Try not to strain yourself, it doesn’t seem like your brain has enough cooling for sustained CPU usage.
SC: "I wanna add it, shoes for ma brah"
Me: “Alright, I can place a new order for you, but I can’t combine it with an old order that's already been processed. Customer service can do this for you in the morning though, I can leave a message for them and have them do it for you."
SC: “What about…what if I…..why can I’ just….thing….”
Its been a while since I’ve seen someone’s mind just completely implode in a matter of seconds. I should have brought popcorn.
SC: “I jus wanna order some shoes, geez”
Me: “I can make a new order, but I can't combine it with an old order. Customer service can do that for you in the morning though.”
SC: “I would like sum new shoes, be patience with me.”
I believe I have already been very patience with you thus far.
SC: “Only shoes, der only $215…..my bro.”
Yes, your bro will be sad if you don’t get him shoes, won’t he?
SC: “I jus, I was jus looking at this book. Yeaaaaah. I jus wanna cancel everything what I ordered from there. But I wanna shoes.”
…Very well, I will request that everything what you ordered from here be cancelled. Yeaaaaaah.
( This is actually 15 minute mark, as we've basically been going in a circle of me trying to explain the concept of business hours and order processing. But the call was so long and so circular I had to cull it down quite a bit lest I just be repeating the same stupidity over and over for several pages here >.> )
Me: “Alright, customer service is going to have to sort all of this out for you in the morning. I can't do it at the order desk as your last order was already processed. So I'm going to leave them a message to look into your orders and make the adjustments for you before it ships."
SC: “You working at <company>?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Well dats the place I’m trying to order!”
You’re trying to order the whole place now, are you?
SC: “Why bother you guys having a question, don’t do anything about it”
Me: “Ma'am, its 3 in the morning locally, neither customer service nor the warehouse is open this early.”
SC: “3 IN THE MORNING I WANNA FUCKING ORDER!!!!!"
Let me let you in on a little secret: If you've spent a combined total of over half an hour annoying the living Hell out of a CSR, the absolute last thing you want to give them is justification. Seriously, it's the moment we all wait for and seeing as you've been beyond difficult over two calls now despite my patience with you. This is perhaps not the best time to be biting the hand that feeds you.
Me: “Alright that's it, I’m terminating this call, ma’am. I will have customer service contact you to sort this out for you, but I will not assist you any further nor ever again."
SC: “FUCKING FAGGOT!!!"
Truly, I deal with the absolute cream of the crop humanity has to offer at night.
Something Wicked This Way Comes III
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..I wanna make a COD order.”
This may come as surprise to you, but you have neither the cunning nor vocal range to pretend to be someone else. Even if you did, the jig would be up rather quickly the moment you gave me your mailing information. So overall, this is a poorly thought out plan on your part.
Something Wicked This Way Comes IV
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Hallo? I…um……wondering if are…………diamashowabashawaya”
Me: “...What?”
SC: “Can you check in my bank?”
Me: “….......”
SC: “Nevermind.”
Believe me, I’m really trying not to mind. But your desperate struggle for coherency for some reason involves repeatedly calling me. It is becoming rather tiresome. Allow me to save you the trouble: No matter how many times you call, you will still speak only to me. All roads lead to Rome, and Rome doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Rome doesn’t appreciate being called names. You have been very naughty to Rome and Rome has taken you off its Christmas card list. If Rome lived anywhere near you, Rome would take a dump on your lawn while you watched in horror from the living room window. Rome would do this while looking you right in the eye.
I'm Going To Develop A Facial Twitch
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “…………uhhh……”
Please don’t do that. You’re going to give me flashbacks. I’d rather not end up with the world’s most embarrassing form of shellshock. Where I hit the floor screaming “It’s coming right for us!!” every time someone around me has a brain fart.
annnnd rest. -.-
Gasp!
Me: “And your number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh my GOD!”
Yes, it’s shocking I know! That was a hard hitting, personal question, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have asked that. I just thought, you know, that you might want to get all of those numbers off your chest once and for all. But I have assumed wrongly it seems. Again, you have my deepest apologies. We can talk about your phone number whenever you’re ready, alright?
National Crisis
SC: “I am a dual citizen, do I have a right to talk to you?”
Y-yes?
SC: “Cus I’m an American and a dual citizen, is there uh…..uhhhh…kinda a of a piece of paper you can send to me to tell me if I have rights on both sides of the border?”
First of all: Who exactly do you think you're calling? Second of all: You do have rights on both sides of the border. Oddly enough, neither Canada or the US is a barren third world country regardless of how winter in Alberta looks. Still, I really think you have the wrong number here, my friend.
SC: “I’m phoning in for help, I’m a registered Indian member and the point of the phone call is that my family has been abducted by American citizens, but they were married into Canada and they’re getting harassed by people that don’t respect Americans.”
So, let me see if I have this: Your family has been kidnapped by evil Americans that have married into Canadian citizenship and where ever they’re being held they’re surrounded by other Canadians who are disrespecting them? Right, ok, I think I got it. But I still have one teensy tiny question: Why are you telling me this on a tech support line?
National Crisis II
SC: “You didn’t really confirm all my questions…..”
That would be because I hung up on you. You see, you're what the rest of us out here in non-gremlin infested melting clock land call "Crazy". I know you may not realize it from in there, but every time you try to beat gremlin to death with a shovel made out of spiders it might actually be a real person out here. So we are understandably wary about your presence.
Me: “Sir, you’ll have to contact your local police if you’re having problems.”
SC: “And after that they’ll contact you if there’s a very needy need?”
No, no they won't. Unless they have a very needy need for a software key.
SC: “If people are in national distress, aren’t you guys suppose to be here?”
Me: “….National distress?”
SC: “You know, the UN.”
Wait, go back a step here. The runaway train of your thought took a corner a tad too fast as I fear I was flung from the caboose into a drainage ditch. Do you think I’m the UN? And that the United Nations is suppose to interfere when people are rude to your family? ….Wait, do you think you’re a country? That’s it, isn’t it? You do, don’t you? Suddenly everything makes sense.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but oddly enough declaring your living room sovereign territory via a Facebook status update does not legally make you a nation. You may wish to retract your war declaration on Pizza Hut for crossing your borders.
Yes, Yes You Are
SC: “Who am I calling?”
Me: “This is <company>”
SC: “<company>? I’m not calling <company>.”
I fear there is an overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary.
They Really Should Make One
Me: “Alright, your credit card is coming back as invalid, could you reconfirm the number for me please, sir?"
SC: “9.......um, 5......3……….uhhhh………..ummm………………..n, no, no….uh…..no….1……uhhhh….the number 1……”
You wouldn’t think there would be a market for a combination breathalyzer / credit card, but there you go.
Me: “Alright, so your order will come t-"
SC: "$700 worth! You know what that is?"
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “You know why?”
……..No?
SC: “I was given by my mother a present for my birthday on Sept 9th, uh, for $700, and I just put them in my drawer, and uh….I didn’t buy anything or do anything with it, uhh. I was just gonna keep it. Then all of a sudden I said, why not spend it now! It’s a <hiccup>, it’s a good idea, right?”
Sure....sure it is......I’m terribly sorry though, could you hold a moment? I’m need to try figure out how to administer a road side sobriety test over the phone.
How Did You...?
When I arrived at the Skytrain station this evening I was greeted by the sight of 2 ambulances, a fire truck and a police van. What prompted this emergency congregation? Well, apparently, it was but one single, lone drunken man on the platform. Who was being attended too by at least 6 officers, 2 firemen and 2 paramedics. Several of which looked rather amused. Thus the question remains: Exactly what did this singular lush do to provoke such an emergency response? And how did it involve fire? There were no obvious signs of damage to the platform and the paramedics were providing him with cloth to cover his exposed bits. So I can only assume that he somehow managed to light himself aflame before running up and down the platform, clutching his smoldering buttocks in the manner of a Looney Tunes cartoon.
Honest, If Nothing Else
Me: “And your number there please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh, I have no idea.”
Well….I admire your honesty if nothing else. Honesty is the best policy, even if its evidently not the most effective one.
Er....
Me: “Good evening, <plumbing & heating company>"
SC: “Yeah, hi, can I get two meat lovers?”
Oooookay.......look, when you call a pizza place and ask that question, its a food order. When you call a plumbing company and ask that question, its the opening scene of a porno.
You may want to pay a bit more attention in the future.
With No Apologies To Ottawa
Yes, you are correct random passing motorist in a white minivan. The Ottawa Senators do suck, and it is statistically possible that some of them may have been conceived outside of wedlock. Though I don’t know why you thought this information was so pressing that it needed to be yelled out your window while waiting at the intersection. But thank you for the heads up just the same.
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Me: “Are you cal-“
SC: “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh”
Me: “-ling to place an order?
SC: “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………..I was gonna make uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………”
This…..this is going to be real bad isn’t it? Really, really bad.
SC: “uhhhhhh……..COD.”
Ordering requires that you provide me with a basic list of accurate, coherent information…..are you really sure you wish to do this? No offence, but my first impressions of you here did not include the term “accurate” or “coherent”. Nor anything even remotely related to the sphere of either concept. “Intoxicated” on the other hand leapt right to the forefront, hand in hand with “Drinks paint”. It was so close in fact it was a photo finish and the judges are still debating.
Me: “Spell your first name for me please, ma'am?”
SC: “Uh………hold on……………..”
I have this dark, ominous feeling. Like I’m travelling in third class on the Titantic and wondering what that noise was.
SC: “….F...…….Frank? I was trying to buy….uh……a sweater.”
There’s really no hope for us here, is there? This was all doomed from the start. We can only watch this tragedy play out in slow motion.
Me: “Is there a PO box number?”
SC: “Bo-eses….box..eses…..”
Preeeeecious box-eses? The hobbits takes them from us?
Me: “And which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “WhicadaloshamIordarin?”
…..What? Oh man, this is bad. We’re going down fast and I don’t think there are any lifeboats left. It’s you, me and the band.
SC: “Its, uh, Vicky.....9....Fo......for....”
……That….was that suppose to be the postal code off the catalog? You know, despite my overwhelming fear of how much worse this could possibly get, I must admit a growing curiosity as to how you even managed to dial our number without inadvertently harming yourself.
SC: “I’m trynna order sweater”
Yes, I gathered that much at least.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “Uhh…..hold on……”
I await with bated breath.
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhh…..what about those kind of sweaters?”
Me: “What, sorry?”
SC: “Black and grey?”
Me: “…..You mean the one you just ordered?”
SC: “Ya!”
Me: “…Yes, it was black.”
SC: “Do you need the number?!”
Me: “….No?”
If it’s any consolation, I’m as lost as you are at this point.
Me: “Was there anything else?”
SC: “Yay! I wanna order 2 sweatars”
Yay!
SC: “Uhhhhh…waravictah?”
Me: “What was that sorry?”
SC: “I’m asking you what I said den?”
Me: “I don’t understand, sorry?”
And I probably never will. Somehow I am okay with that though.
SC: “Will it fit me? The sweater.”
….How the Hell would I know? No, really. What sort of technology do you think the telephone possesses? I am unaware of your various dimensions and the telephone does not actually have any method of gathering this information. Barring any sort of clairvoyance, there is literally no way for me to answer that question with a definitive.
We do have a return policy and while normally I would encourage you to ensure it would fit first before you order it to avoid returns, at this point I would perfer you simply take it and go. If it doesn't fit, oh well, just return it. Preferably at a time when I am not on shift.
Really, whatever will make you go away at this point is absolutely fine by me.
Something Wicked This Way Comes II
Me: “Good ev-“
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Me: “Pardon?”
Ok, really, is that some sort of tribal war cry?
SC: “I just made a COD before, just, like, a while ago...I’m trying…………………”
……trying? Trying to what? Form a coherent sentence? Use a word with more than two syllables? Subdue an errant walrus?
SC: “Can you tell me what I ordered?”
…..You forgot? I'll give you a hint: SWEATARZ.
SC: “I wanbyshoesda.”
Are you lost? I’m lost. Let’s be lost together. It’ll probably be more productive then whatever we’re trying to accomplish right now.
SC: “Know what I mean?”
Me: “I don’t know what you mean, no, sorry”
SC: “I’m trynna order from this book. I want new shoes for ma bro.”
Oh, well then, we can’t waste another moment if your bro is involved.
SC: “Thersnomuch calls is there? I dun want that.”
Me: “What, sorry?”
SC: “……………….”
I take it you need a moment to process? Well, go ahead then. Try not to strain yourself, it doesn’t seem like your brain has enough cooling for sustained CPU usage.
SC: "I wanna add it, shoes for ma brah"
Me: “Alright, I can place a new order for you, but I can’t combine it with an old order that's already been processed. Customer service can do this for you in the morning though, I can leave a message for them and have them do it for you."
SC: “What about…what if I…..why can I’ just….thing….”
Its been a while since I’ve seen someone’s mind just completely implode in a matter of seconds. I should have brought popcorn.
SC: “I jus wanna order some shoes, geez”
Me: “I can make a new order, but I can't combine it with an old order. Customer service can do that for you in the morning though.”
SC: “I would like sum new shoes, be patience with me.”
I believe I have already been very patience with you thus far.
SC: “Only shoes, der only $215…..my bro.”
Yes, your bro will be sad if you don’t get him shoes, won’t he?
SC: “I jus, I was jus looking at this book. Yeaaaaah. I jus wanna cancel everything what I ordered from there. But I wanna shoes.”
…Very well, I will request that everything what you ordered from here be cancelled. Yeaaaaaah.
( This is actually 15 minute mark, as we've basically been going in a circle of me trying to explain the concept of business hours and order processing. But the call was so long and so circular I had to cull it down quite a bit lest I just be repeating the same stupidity over and over for several pages here >.> )
Me: “Alright, customer service is going to have to sort all of this out for you in the morning. I can't do it at the order desk as your last order was already processed. So I'm going to leave them a message to look into your orders and make the adjustments for you before it ships."
SC: “You working at <company>?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Well dats the place I’m trying to order!”
You’re trying to order the whole place now, are you?
SC: “Why bother you guys having a question, don’t do anything about it”
Me: “Ma'am, its 3 in the morning locally, neither customer service nor the warehouse is open this early.”
SC: “3 IN THE MORNING I WANNA FUCKING ORDER!!!!!"
Let me let you in on a little secret: If you've spent a combined total of over half an hour annoying the living Hell out of a CSR, the absolute last thing you want to give them is justification. Seriously, it's the moment we all wait for and seeing as you've been beyond difficult over two calls now despite my patience with you. This is perhaps not the best time to be biting the hand that feeds you.
Me: “Alright that's it, I’m terminating this call, ma’am. I will have customer service contact you to sort this out for you, but I will not assist you any further nor ever again."
SC: “FUCKING FAGGOT!!!"
Truly, I deal with the absolute cream of the crop humanity has to offer at night.
Something Wicked This Way Comes III
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..I wanna make a COD order.”
This may come as surprise to you, but you have neither the cunning nor vocal range to pretend to be someone else. Even if you did, the jig would be up rather quickly the moment you gave me your mailing information. So overall, this is a poorly thought out plan on your part.
Something Wicked This Way Comes IV
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Hallo? I…um……wondering if are…………diamashowabashawaya”
Me: “...What?”
SC: “Can you check in my bank?”
Me: “….......”
SC: “Nevermind.”
Believe me, I’m really trying not to mind. But your desperate struggle for coherency for some reason involves repeatedly calling me. It is becoming rather tiresome. Allow me to save you the trouble: No matter how many times you call, you will still speak only to me. All roads lead to Rome, and Rome doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Rome doesn’t appreciate being called names. You have been very naughty to Rome and Rome has taken you off its Christmas card list. If Rome lived anywhere near you, Rome would take a dump on your lawn while you watched in horror from the living room window. Rome would do this while looking you right in the eye.
I'm Going To Develop A Facial Twitch
Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “…………uhhh……”
Please don’t do that. You’re going to give me flashbacks. I’d rather not end up with the world’s most embarrassing form of shellshock. Where I hit the floor screaming “It’s coming right for us!!” every time someone around me has a brain fart.
annnnd rest. -.-
. However, I am pretty sure you would get a bigger discount if it was a porno
. 
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