Oh No, not the Assholery Clowns!

[Goddess of Retail]

Reading some other posts tonight has jogged my memory of certain situations that were laden with Failsauce (extra spicy variety!) And before we start, I swear to all that is Lawful Good, Chaotic Evil and that pansified middle ground of Neutral that these words REALLY came from their mouths.

Begin.



SECRET SHOPPER FAIL LADY
I've only had a Secret Shopper once, and they must've been really new, because it was completely 100% obvious that they were a S.Shopper...

We carry comics at my store & Diamond (basically a comic-distributor 'monopoly') has this special program where if you've been with them for X number of years, you can get the comics delivered Tuesday night rather than Wednesday morning (typical New Release day) but ONLY if you promise to not sell them early to ANYONE, employees included.

Well, we signed the form and the very first time we get them on Tuesday, a 50-someodd year old lady I've never seen before (or since) shows up 10 minutes to closing. Doesn't answer my "Hello, how are you?", doesn't look around, practically bumps into a leaving customer...and heads DIRECTLY to the comics. She pulls out a typed list, rifles through what would be Wednesday's big titles IF they were out, then suddenly turns to be, sweet as some type of nauseating pie filled with kittens, children's laughter and rainbows, and says;

SS: "Why HELLOOOO, dearie! Maybe you can help me find some comics I need for my....son.

(Sure, I'll bite) Me: Of course, Ma'am! what exactly are you looking for tonight?

SS: I need Amazing Spiderman #XXX, Wonder Woman #XXX, Green Lantern Corps #XX, and Locke & Key #XX. Oh, and Random But Completely New graphic novel.

Me: Well, I'm very sorry, but those won't be out till tomorrow. We could either set up your son with a reservist account or put them on hold for you tomorrow, but I couldn't possibly sell them now. (Large smile).

SS: (Very stern look) Well, those are the ones I need. I happen to know that you have them in stock, too!

Me: (How'd she know???) That is technically correct Ma'am, but we have actually signed an agreement to not sell them until the release date. If we break that, it'd be our hides.

SS: (sickly sweet giggle, yes-GIGGLE) Oh pashaw! Do I look like a secret shopper to you?

MeWell, now that you mentioned it...) Ummm, I don't know how to answer that Ma'am. I don't believe they choose secret shoppers based on their looks. But even so, they aren't for sale to anyone, even my coworkers. Sorry, but the 2 options I detailed before are all that is really available at this point.

SC: (looks like Brain whenever Pinky foiled his plans for world domination) FINE!

She storms away, I close the gate, and our Comic Manager comes over.

CM: Wow, talk about picking a winner. *sniff, sniff* I love the smell of fail in the morning.

Me: CM, it's like, 9:15 at night...

CM: Shut up, it's morning somewhere.



SUPER NINTENDO FAIL GUY

Me: (answer phone) Hello, this is *workplace*. How could I help you today?

SC: A-yeah, I need someone who knows what they are doing already!

Me: Okay, sir. I can try to help you out. What do you need today?

SC: No! This is a videogame problem, get me your tech NOW!

Me: I'm sorry, but he's actually off today. Why don't you tell me what the issue is and I'll see if I can help you today rather than tomorrow?

SC: I live all the way in *town I'm from, 10 minutes away*! I've gotten THREE of these Supers from you this week, and not a single one does sh*t!

Me: That's rather odd sir, as we test our system before we shrink-wrapped them and it's exceptionally odd that three in a row would be bad. Can you tell me what it is or isn't doing for you?

SC: No, you cow! The screen is just blue! Sigh, this is why I need to speak to the tech, it's MANLY problems, y'know!

Me: (what, the cord is limp? I thought blue fixed that issue) Okay, well until you tell me what's wrong, I can't begin to help you. Let me ask this; Does it have all it's wires plugged in correctly?

SC:...Which wires?

Me: The AV cable is red, white and yellow...

SC: YES!

Me: The controller is what you use to direct the gameplay...

SC: YES!

Me: And the AC has a small gray piece at the end, which powers the system. Of course, if the games are dirty, you should wipe them out gently with a q-tip and some rubbing alcohol.

SC: YES! Wait, what games?

Me: The games you are trying to play sir.

SC: ...........

Me: Sir?

SC: DAMN IT! FRICKIN' F*#%IN' DOUCHING ASSHOLERY CLOWNS! Why didn't anyone TELL ME that I needed GAMES!? Why aren't they BUILT IN?!!!
(Random enraged bull sounds)

Me: At the risk of sounding rude sir, what did you think the slot in the top was for?

SC: Well HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW. Toast, I guess.

Me: (No. No you did not just say 'toast'. Oh gods...) Umm, toast sir? No, that is where you put the cartridges. We sell them here at *workplace* if you'd like to come browse.

SC: NO! I'm never giving you HELLSPAWN money ever again! You don't know enough to tell a man when he needs extra parts for his machine! Where else can I get these games?!

Me: (no one ever told you where your dick was, but you're certainly good at acting like one.) Well, unfortunately, most videogame stores don't carry these items anymore...

SC: I can see WHY!

Me: (yeah, go with that stupidity. make it all yours.) ...so going to GameStop or FYE is out of the question. I guess you could try eBay/Amazon.com...

SC: DON'T GOTS A COMPOOTER!

Me: (To be honest, I also don't own a 'compooter' ) The only other place is a Play n' Trade in NJ, but it's about an hour away from here.

SC: ....Oh. Well then I guess I WILL be shopping with you more. Be seein' ya.
"CLICK"

Me: No. Nooo. NOOOOO! KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Regular Customer Guy: That special, huh?

Me: (Fetal postion + thumb)

Regular Customer Guy: Want a Strawberry Oreo? I just got them.

Me: ....Yes.



P.S. I haven't seen either one of the "humans" again, but I owe that to the fact that I not only prayed to my God and Goddess that they never come back, but ALSO the combined might of Yoda, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, David Bowie/The Goblin King, Dick Clark (who is immortal), and Captain Sulu. I fully believe that their powers combine makes a Celebrity Captain Retail-Planet who beat them off with loaves of their own stupidity and/or 12 year old German stollen bread.

The End.

[XCashier]

SS: (sickly sweet giggle, yes-GIGGLE) Oh pashaw! Do I look like a secret shopper to you?

"No, but you've all but admitted it, Dolores Umbridge, who else would think that?!"

SC: No, you cow! The screen is just blue! Sigh, this is why I need to speak to the tech, it's MANLY problems, y'know!
...SC: YES! Wait, what games?

Me: The games you are trying to play sir.

SC: ...........

Me: Sir?

SC: DAMN IT! FRICKIN' F*#%IN' DOUCHING ASSHOLERY CLOWNS! Why didn't anyone TELL ME that I needed GAMES!? Why aren't they BUILT IN?!!!
(Random enraged bull sounds)

Me: At the risk of sounding rude sir, what did you think the slot in the top was for?

SC: Well HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW. Toast, I guess.

Yeah, real "manly" and "technical". So of course he continues to yell at you because you, a mere woman, had the nerve to tell that MANLY MAN that he was Doing It Wrong.

Good grief, it makes even my customers sound sane and rational.

[Nurian]

*shakes head* I'd weep for humanity but there are no tears....

[siskaren]

"No, but you've all but admitted it, Dolores Umbridge, who else would think that?!"

I see I'm not the only one who was reminded of Umbridge on that first one.

[Mytical]

*shakes head* I'd weep for humanity but there are no tears....

Hmm I may borrow steal (wait is that supposed to be the opposite way??) this for part of my sig.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Holy crap. I don't think I've EVER had a video game SYSTEM that only had built in games. Even my Telstar Arcade (photo here) had triangle shaped cartridges that fit into the top. Was PONG the last system he ever owned???

[Shalom]

Holy crap. I don't think I've EVER had a video game SYSTEM that only had built in games.

I have. I think my parents may even still have that thing in the garage somewhere, but in its last years it was getting unplayable due to noisy pots in the joystick.

[Kristev]

Those consumers almost make Gravekeeper's consumers look sane.

And neutral isn't for pansies. It's actually very hard. But then, speaking as someone who usually plays druids and even made up my own subrace based on them . . .

[xflamedancer]

P.S. I haven't seen either one of the "humans" again, but I owe that to the fact that I not only prayed to my God and Goddess that they never come back, but ALSO the combined might of Yoda, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, David Bowie/The Goblin King, Dick Clark (who is immortal), and Captain Sulu. I fully believe that their powers combine makes a Celebrity Captain Retail-Planet who beat them off with loaves of their own stupidity and/or 12 year old German stollen bread.

The End.

You forgot Chuck Norris (who, by the way doesn't do push ups' he is actually pushing the world away from himself).

[BrenDAnn]

I told the SNES story to my ultra-gamer nephew. He decided the guy should NOT be allowed to own any gaming system ever. Period. I completely agree with him!

[Merriweather]

SUPER NINTENDO FAIL GUY


SC: No, you cow! The screen is just blue! Sigh, this is why I need to speak to the tech, it's MANLY problems, y'know!

Me: (what, the cord is limp? I thought blue fixed that issue) Okay, well until you tell me what's wrong, I can't begin to help you. Let me ask this; Does it have all it's wires plugged in correctly?

TOAST???

Oh, and I LOVE the limp cable comment - having been a female programmer back in the early 80's, you have my deepest sympathies for putting up with those males who still seem to think anything computer, electronic or game related must have testosterone mixed with the electricity to run. Back then we just assumed they'd go the way of the dinosaurs by the turn of the century, it's amazing how they're still around

Holy crap. I don't think I've EVER had a video game SYSTEM that only had built in games.

My very first game console played pong on my TV. Built in, no cartridges. Of course, that was back in the mid 70's, when sitting at a table in a bar that doubled as a pong game was the height in technology, and Ataris were just being introduced. I got the game as a prize for hosting a Tupperware party with very high sales

[MoonCat]

That....is a whole lot of suck.

And...toast? I...what....how...??? Even "WTF" doesn't cover that one.

[Ironclad Alibi]

SC: DAMN IT! FRICKIN' F*#%IN' DOUCHING ASSHOLERY CLOWNS! Why didn't anyone TELL ME that I needed GAMES!? Why aren't they BUILT IN?!!!
(Random enraged bull sounds)

Me: At the risk of sounding rude sir, what did you think the slot in the top was for?

SC: Well HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW. Toast, I guess.

I would venture to guess this guy is still a virgin because he doesn't know he has to plug his "joystick" into a "slot."

[Brojekk]

I told the SNES story to my ultra-gamer nephew. He decided the guy should NOT be allowed to own any gaming system ever. Period. I completely agree with him!

Your nephew is 100% correct.

[Moosenogger]

SC: No, you cow! The screen is just blue! Sigh, this is why I need to speak to the tech, it's MANLY problems, y'know!

I don't get it. All he has to do is stick one specifically-shaped item into a similarly shaped hole. How is that a manly probl-

OH. Oh. I see.