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All of these stories take place at one of the two convenience stores I work or have worked at. Small booths in public malls, no real theft security other than the public eye, lottery, cigs, mags, addictiveness and vice for sale at marked up prices. Some of them are horror stories from co-workers, a few I experienced first hand.
Convenient storage space I:
Ever had a customer pay by pulling bills out of random places? Bras are fairly common but when someone pulls a twenty out of their buttcrack a new level of disgust and imminent contamination rises like an unseen rake handle in your overgrown lawn.
To make matters worse, it was a guy.
Black friday discount:
Yes, Black friday. To Americans, it's a day of sales and seething victory over your fellow crass consumers. To us Canadians however, it doesn't exist. Thank gods.
To the American tourists who believe Canada is an annexed state of the big 52 or similar, the absence of a %50 markdown is as unholy as making love with a crucifix.
SC: Why isn't your merchandice marked down? It's black friday!"
Me: Ma'am, it's Canada. Black friday is an American holiday. We don't celebrate it. Besides, we can't mark down lottery sales.
SC: Don't get smart with me young man! We are in North America! You celebrate Thanksgiving here! When it is thanksgiving, it is black friday!
Me: Ma'am, we are in Canada. We do celebrate thanksgiving, and there are minor sales but there is no black friday. Besides, our thanksgiving was a month ago.
SC: You're lying! Thanksgiving is today! I want my purchases marked down to black friday sales prices!
Me: Even if I could mark down lottery sales, which I can't regardless of the day, I can't mark down merchandise for a holiday sale that we don't part-
At this, the woman slams the tickets on the table and storms off very much resembling a hippo trying to walk through deep mud.
Forced sex change? What?:
Because I like to put my hair up in a ponytail, as well as having a few manners of speech and body language I picked up growing up in a mostly female environment I every once and a while have had the amusing occasion when people mistake me for a girl from behind.
Man: Ma'am?
Me, in my deepest voice: "Can I help you?"
Man: OH! Sorry! Geez, I didn't-
Me: *Laughing* It's ok. I get that a lot.
Man: Dude, you look like a chick from behind. You should totally get a sex-change.
Me: A...What?
Man: Yeah! Be a girl! I'd totally screw you.
Hell. No.
You smoke what?:
We sell cigarettes. We also sell cigarette papers. Little veneer strips of parchment weed smokers like to wrap that grass of feel-good in. The usual buyers smell like smoke and melted rope- A sure sign of their habits, and are usually reported to security to keep an eye on in case they light up the illegal.
This one guy however bought a pack and was smoking a doobie outside that generated a foul odor beyond the norm. When approached by security, the man claimed that he didn't have enough tobacco to roll so he used his own hair as a filler.
Gross, but not enough to warrant booting him out. Turns out it was tobacco. And hair.
Temper temper!:
During christmas hours the gamblers, especially the old ones come up to the booth with 5-100 lottery scratchtickets to check. Sometimes they can take hours and we need to shoo them off the self checker so other people can have a turn.
Sometimes however, the self checker line is too long for their tastes and they have us check the little scratchy bastards.
One elderly lady, looking to buy a weekly draw ticket was standing in line for a good 15 minutes waiting for the cash to free up while we checked tickets. When checking scratches the machine cannot be used for anything else, and the woman's nerves were starting to fray.
After the 20 minute mark, she goes over to our newspaper stand, grabs the biggest one and slams it down on the head of the woman getting her tickets checked. Repeatedly.
Security was called and the offending paper was removed. The recipient of the battering had a minor headache but was unharmed, and the woman who did the battering was banned. I haven't heard if she was charged with assault.
Convenient Storage Space II:
Ever seen someone with a large nose ring?
Ever seen someone hang things off said nose ring?
Ever seen someone hang their KEYS off said nose ring?
Ever seen someone sneeze violently while hanging their (Numerous) keys off said nose ring?
Ever seen what happens when weight + momentum of keys exceeds weight tolerance of nose flesh?
Ever seen bloody keys?
Convenient storage space III:
I quote:
"Hold on- I have to get my toonie out from under my tongue."
(Toonie = $2 coin.)
Clever uses for bills I:
I wonder if it's legal to refuse a 5 dollar bill for health reasons if the customer was using it to floss his teeth with.
Clever uses for bills II:
One word: Kleenex.
More to follow should I remember them.
Convenient storage space I:
Ever had a customer pay by pulling bills out of random places? Bras are fairly common but when someone pulls a twenty out of their buttcrack a new level of disgust and imminent contamination rises like an unseen rake handle in your overgrown lawn.
To make matters worse, it was a guy.
Black friday discount:
Yes, Black friday. To Americans, it's a day of sales and seething victory over your fellow crass consumers. To us Canadians however, it doesn't exist. Thank gods.
To the American tourists who believe Canada is an annexed state of the big 52 or similar, the absence of a %50 markdown is as unholy as making love with a crucifix.
SC: Why isn't your merchandice marked down? It's black friday!"
Me: Ma'am, it's Canada. Black friday is an American holiday. We don't celebrate it. Besides, we can't mark down lottery sales.
SC: Don't get smart with me young man! We are in North America! You celebrate Thanksgiving here! When it is thanksgiving, it is black friday!
Me: Ma'am, we are in Canada. We do celebrate thanksgiving, and there are minor sales but there is no black friday. Besides, our thanksgiving was a month ago.
SC: You're lying! Thanksgiving is today! I want my purchases marked down to black friday sales prices!
Me: Even if I could mark down lottery sales, which I can't regardless of the day, I can't mark down merchandise for a holiday sale that we don't part-
At this, the woman slams the tickets on the table and storms off very much resembling a hippo trying to walk through deep mud.
Forced sex change? What?:
Because I like to put my hair up in a ponytail, as well as having a few manners of speech and body language I picked up growing up in a mostly female environment I every once and a while have had the amusing occasion when people mistake me for a girl from behind.
Man: Ma'am?
Me, in my deepest voice: "Can I help you?"
Man: OH! Sorry! Geez, I didn't-
Me: *Laughing* It's ok. I get that a lot.
Man: Dude, you look like a chick from behind. You should totally get a sex-change.
Me: A...What?
Man: Yeah! Be a girl! I'd totally screw you.
Hell. No.
You smoke what?:
We sell cigarettes. We also sell cigarette papers. Little veneer strips of parchment weed smokers like to wrap that grass of feel-good in. The usual buyers smell like smoke and melted rope- A sure sign of their habits, and are usually reported to security to keep an eye on in case they light up the illegal.
This one guy however bought a pack and was smoking a doobie outside that generated a foul odor beyond the norm. When approached by security, the man claimed that he didn't have enough tobacco to roll so he used his own hair as a filler.
Gross, but not enough to warrant booting him out. Turns out it was tobacco. And hair.
Temper temper!:
During christmas hours the gamblers, especially the old ones come up to the booth with 5-100 lottery scratchtickets to check. Sometimes they can take hours and we need to shoo them off the self checker so other people can have a turn.
Sometimes however, the self checker line is too long for their tastes and they have us check the little scratchy bastards.
One elderly lady, looking to buy a weekly draw ticket was standing in line for a good 15 minutes waiting for the cash to free up while we checked tickets. When checking scratches the machine cannot be used for anything else, and the woman's nerves were starting to fray.
After the 20 minute mark, she goes over to our newspaper stand, grabs the biggest one and slams it down on the head of the woman getting her tickets checked. Repeatedly.
Security was called and the offending paper was removed. The recipient of the battering had a minor headache but was unharmed, and the woman who did the battering was banned. I haven't heard if she was charged with assault.
Convenient Storage Space II:
Ever seen someone with a large nose ring?
Ever seen someone hang things off said nose ring?
Ever seen someone hang their KEYS off said nose ring?
Ever seen someone sneeze violently while hanging their (Numerous) keys off said nose ring?
Ever seen what happens when weight + momentum of keys exceeds weight tolerance of nose flesh?
Ever seen bloody keys?
Convenient storage space III:
I quote:
"Hold on- I have to get my toonie out from under my tongue."
(Toonie = $2 coin.)
Clever uses for bills I:
I wonder if it's legal to refuse a 5 dollar bill for health reasons if the customer was using it to floss his teeth with.
Clever uses for bills II:
One word: Kleenex.
More to follow should I remember them.
Dude, I think you'd better find a new place to store your keys...like your pocket?!
to CS!
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