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This Friday was Black Friday in the UK pub world. Black Friday happens on the Friday that the kids finish school for the Christmas break, so for some reason all of their parents decide to go out and get insanely drunk. Also, because Christmas is on a Sunday this year, we get treated to TWO Black Fridays, as there will be another one next week for all the people who have finished work for the holidays. Fun times. It’s horrible because you get a lot of drinkers that never, ever go out. Black Friday is their one night out of the year, and because of this, they have absolutely no pub etiquette.
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It didn’t start well. First, here’s a little background.
I’ve mentioned my awesome co-workers before, and two of them left three months ago to go attend university. When they left, Boss told them that they would be welcome back anytime they wanted. CW’s thanked her, and informed her that they would be interested in returning during the festive period. Great. We all looked at this week’s schedule, and we were thrilled to see that they were put down on Black Friday (not because we wanted them to suffer, just because we couldn’t wait to see them again).
Friday morning and I decide to text the CW’s and cheekily ask them if they are looking forward to working Black Friday. I get pretty much the same response from both of them.
CW: What are you talking about? I’m still at university. I don’t get back until Sunday.
Turns out that the manager who did the schedule decided to put them on it without bothering to check if they were actually back. Idiot. This meant that we were two people down right away, as no sane person would volunteer to come in. A kitchen co-worker and another member of bar staff also called in sick, so we were four people down.
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A customer walked up to the bar with a meal. This instantly pisses me off. Rather than flag down the three co-workers running the floor, they come up to the bar to complain. Then they get impatient because we’re obviously serving someone and they have to wait. I quickly finished serving and walked up to him.
Me: Hi there, is everything OK?
SC: Is there any chance you could change this baked potato for fries?
Me: Oh, yeah sure, I can do that.
SC: It’s my fault. I ordered the wrong thing. I will pay if I have to.
Me: Don’t worry, it’s an easy exchange, there is no charge.
SC: Good. *snaps* Now HURRY UP!! The rest of us are eating and my wife has to wait now!!!111!!blargh!!11
Me: *frightened* Yeah, sure.
There were fries ready, but I insisted the kitchen cook fresh ones, just to make him wait longer.
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A co-worker was cleaning some tables, when suddenly a man dressed in a full Santa Claus (minus the beard) outfit walked in the pub, waddled up to him and gave him a big hug, saying “Have you been a good boy? Ho ho ho!” and walked away. I thought it was funny, and didn’t say anything because I assumed it was a friend of CW or relative. CW walked up to me, startled.
CW: I can’t believe that creep just hugged me!
Me: Didn’t you know him?
CW: No! I’ve never seen him before in my life!
I decided to observe Santa. He seemed to go from group to group giving people hugs. At first I thought he may have had some kind of mental problem, but then I worked out that he was just insanely drunk.
Santa had to be refused service, and was ejected from the building by the doormen for grabbing a woman’s arse.
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An attractive, tall, blonde woman walked into the pub. She was wearing very, very little. She was wearing a dress that was so small and so tight that it may have been subtler for her to show up in her underwear. The dress was that short that you could actually see her arse cheeks hanging out the bottom. A lot of heads turned when she walked in and headed up to the bar. She turned and complained to her friend.
W: God! I am so fed up with perverts looking at me!
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Customer came up to the bar.
SC: Can I order the steak meal please?
Me: Sure, how would you like the steak?
SC: No, that’s everything thanks.
Me: No, I’m asking how would you like your steak cooking?
SC: No, I don’t want anything else.
Me: *hits medium* And would you like baked potato or fries?
SC: I said that’s everything!
Me: No, you have a choice between potato and fries. Which would you prefer?
SC: Would you quit trying to upsell with me! I don’t want anything else!
Me: Fine. *hits fries*
His meal came out.
SC: This is far too rare for me! And I prefer baked potato, not fries!
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Now here is where the madness truly began.
Our beer delivery was very, very late. This was due to the fact that the pub had to order enough to last them through the mad weekend and next week. Because of the size of the delivery, it took much longer to get to us, and arrived at 7pm. The delivery truck did what it always did: It stopped outside the cellar, turned its hazard lights on and began to unload. The road is narrow, so that means that any traffic coming along has to check that it is safe to overtake the truck as it takes up so much space.
One lady decided she was too good to wait, and upon coming across the delivery truck, she immediately drew out into oncoming traffic without looking. A car was headed straight for her, and she had to swerve to avoid it. Unfortunately she swerved into the delivery truck, denting the front of her car and smashing off her mirrors.
And who did she blame? That’s right. Us, the delivery driver and the driver of the other car, despite there being several witnesses who saw that her impatience was clearly to blame.
It took about an hour to sort out, and she kept running into the pub, screaming and demanding the manager. It got to a point where people were laughing at her when they saw her renter the building. After exchanging insurance details, she finally gave up and was able to drive off (the damage really wasn’t bad). She didn’t give the details over lightly. She wanted the pub to give her money upfront to pay for the damage, despite it all being her fault.
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So the car accident dented everyone’s moods, and suddenly we were aware that we were surrounded by idiots.
A lady came up to the bar. She had done herself up like she was going for a drink with the Queen. Far too posh for the pub. She also spoke like she had a peg on her nose.
SC: I say! Barman! I want a cheese sandwich!
She turned and walked away. She didn’t tell me where she was sitting, and she didn’t pay, and I was much too busy to go chasing after her. She returned twenty minutes later.
SC: Say barman! How long does it take to make a sandwich! Just wanted to remind you that I am still waiting!
Me: But you-
She was gone. I managed to grab a co-worker and told her to go chase the SC. CW lost her. Another ten minutes passed.
SC: It really does not take this long to make a sandwich!
Me: You haven’t paid and you haven’t told me where you are sitting.
SC: Why is that so important?
Me: Well you see, we’ve introduced this new policy: People have to pay for things!
SC: You know what, just forget it!
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A female co-worker had been serving the same customer all night. He had taken a liking to her, and insisted on her serving him whenever he came up to the bar. CW finished her shift and headed home. The customer came up to the bar.
SC: Where’s the girl who has been serving me all night? I want her to get my drink!
Me: I’m afraid she has gone home for the night.
SC: But I only want her to make my drinks! She makes them much better than any of you lot!
I must note that he was drinking bottles.
SC: Get on the phone and call her! She’ll come back and serve me!
Me: I really don’t think she will.
SC: You don’t know that! Well how about you give me her number and I call her?
Me: Oh yeah! Sure! It’s 123456789 (yes I really said that)
SC: *dials* Pal, I don’t think you gave me the right number. It won’t connect.
Me: Oh. Maybe she’s got her phone switched off.
SC: Where does she live?
I walked away at that point.
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An old man had been stood at the end of the bar for most of the night. He seemed like a friendly guy, and I was quite chatty with him...until he had too much to drink.
SC: You’re a really nice guy, you know that? Really nice.
Me: OK, thanks.
SC: We should go for a beer sometime.
Me: I would but I’m really busy. Yeah, really busy.
SC: Are you sure? We’d have a great time, and I don’t want to brag, but I give the world’s best blowjobs.
I immediately swapped registers with a co-worker and started working at the opposite end of the bar.
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A group of six men walked into the pub and immediately headed straight for the toilets. This usually means one thing: they are going to do drugs. We sent a doorman in to follow them, and he quickly returned informing us that they were indeed doing drugs. He went away to get some support so they could be escorted off the premises. Unfortunately, while he was away, two of them got out the toilets and headed to the bar. It was so obvious that they were off their face that it was scary. A co-worker bravely went up to them.
CW: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we can’t serve you in here. We’re aware of what you were doing in the toilets.
SC: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The SC picked up a glass and attempted to drive it into her face. Luckily about a second beforehand, one of the doormen appeared and shoved the guy to the ground. The other two doormen were in the middle of leading the remaining four men to the doors, when they also started to kick off.
Four of the men got in a brawl outside that got so bad that two cars were damaged. The fifth ran away, and the one that attempted to glass CW was pinned to the ground until the police arrived. The police cuffed him and took him away.
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About five seconds after the police left, a completely different fight kicked off. This fight resulted in the quiz machine being knocked over and smashed.
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It was all starting to calm down, when a do-gooder came to the bar.
SC: I demand to speak to the manager about that appalling display of human behaviour I just witnessed!
The SC cornered the manager, and went on and on and on about how wrong it was. Not the behaviour of the drug taking SC’s. Oh no. He said that the doorman was “too heavy handed on a customer” and that he should be sued.
SC: After all, he was the customer! He might not want to come back now! You will have lost his business!
M: Well what was he supposed to do? Allow my colleague to be hit in the face with a glass?
SC: There are much calmer, humane ways of dealing with things. That poor man is probably going to be in pain tomorrow after being violently pushed to the floor!
M: Oh dear. That’s much worse than her being scarred for life isn’t it!
SC: I’m getting the feeling that you aren’t taking this complaint seriously.
M: You got that right. What if that was your daughter working behind that bar? Or your wife? What would you be saying if she was hit in the face with a glass and no one prevented it?
SC: I would never allow my wife or daughter to work in a pub to begin with.
M: Well we’re obviously not good enough for you, so you can finish your drink and go.
SC: WHAT?!
The doorman offered to lead him to the door. I’ve never seen a customer leave the building so quickly.
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It didn’t start well. First, here’s a little background.
I’ve mentioned my awesome co-workers before, and two of them left three months ago to go attend university. When they left, Boss told them that they would be welcome back anytime they wanted. CW’s thanked her, and informed her that they would be interested in returning during the festive period. Great. We all looked at this week’s schedule, and we were thrilled to see that they were put down on Black Friday (not because we wanted them to suffer, just because we couldn’t wait to see them again).
Friday morning and I decide to text the CW’s and cheekily ask them if they are looking forward to working Black Friday. I get pretty much the same response from both of them.
CW: What are you talking about? I’m still at university. I don’t get back until Sunday.
Turns out that the manager who did the schedule decided to put them on it without bothering to check if they were actually back. Idiot. This meant that we were two people down right away, as no sane person would volunteer to come in. A kitchen co-worker and another member of bar staff also called in sick, so we were four people down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer walked up to the bar with a meal. This instantly pisses me off. Rather than flag down the three co-workers running the floor, they come up to the bar to complain. Then they get impatient because we’re obviously serving someone and they have to wait. I quickly finished serving and walked up to him.
Me: Hi there, is everything OK?
SC: Is there any chance you could change this baked potato for fries?
Me: Oh, yeah sure, I can do that.
SC: It’s my fault. I ordered the wrong thing. I will pay if I have to.
Me: Don’t worry, it’s an easy exchange, there is no charge.
SC: Good. *snaps* Now HURRY UP!! The rest of us are eating and my wife has to wait now!!!111!!blargh!!11
Me: *frightened* Yeah, sure.
There were fries ready, but I insisted the kitchen cook fresh ones, just to make him wait longer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A co-worker was cleaning some tables, when suddenly a man dressed in a full Santa Claus (minus the beard) outfit walked in the pub, waddled up to him and gave him a big hug, saying “Have you been a good boy? Ho ho ho!” and walked away. I thought it was funny, and didn’t say anything because I assumed it was a friend of CW or relative. CW walked up to me, startled.
CW: I can’t believe that creep just hugged me!
Me: Didn’t you know him?
CW: No! I’ve never seen him before in my life!
I decided to observe Santa. He seemed to go from group to group giving people hugs. At first I thought he may have had some kind of mental problem, but then I worked out that he was just insanely drunk.
Santa had to be refused service, and was ejected from the building by the doormen for grabbing a woman’s arse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An attractive, tall, blonde woman walked into the pub. She was wearing very, very little. She was wearing a dress that was so small and so tight that it may have been subtler for her to show up in her underwear. The dress was that short that you could actually see her arse cheeks hanging out the bottom. A lot of heads turned when she walked in and headed up to the bar. She turned and complained to her friend.
W: God! I am so fed up with perverts looking at me!
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Customer came up to the bar.
SC: Can I order the steak meal please?
Me: Sure, how would you like the steak?
SC: No, that’s everything thanks.
Me: No, I’m asking how would you like your steak cooking?
SC: No, I don’t want anything else.
Me: *hits medium* And would you like baked potato or fries?
SC: I said that’s everything!
Me: No, you have a choice between potato and fries. Which would you prefer?
SC: Would you quit trying to upsell with me! I don’t want anything else!
Me: Fine. *hits fries*
His meal came out.
SC: This is far too rare for me! And I prefer baked potato, not fries!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now here is where the madness truly began.
Our beer delivery was very, very late. This was due to the fact that the pub had to order enough to last them through the mad weekend and next week. Because of the size of the delivery, it took much longer to get to us, and arrived at 7pm. The delivery truck did what it always did: It stopped outside the cellar, turned its hazard lights on and began to unload. The road is narrow, so that means that any traffic coming along has to check that it is safe to overtake the truck as it takes up so much space.
One lady decided she was too good to wait, and upon coming across the delivery truck, she immediately drew out into oncoming traffic without looking. A car was headed straight for her, and she had to swerve to avoid it. Unfortunately she swerved into the delivery truck, denting the front of her car and smashing off her mirrors.
And who did she blame? That’s right. Us, the delivery driver and the driver of the other car, despite there being several witnesses who saw that her impatience was clearly to blame.
It took about an hour to sort out, and she kept running into the pub, screaming and demanding the manager. It got to a point where people were laughing at her when they saw her renter the building. After exchanging insurance details, she finally gave up and was able to drive off (the damage really wasn’t bad). She didn’t give the details over lightly. She wanted the pub to give her money upfront to pay for the damage, despite it all being her fault.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the car accident dented everyone’s moods, and suddenly we were aware that we were surrounded by idiots.
A lady came up to the bar. She had done herself up like she was going for a drink with the Queen. Far too posh for the pub. She also spoke like she had a peg on her nose.
SC: I say! Barman! I want a cheese sandwich!
She turned and walked away. She didn’t tell me where she was sitting, and she didn’t pay, and I was much too busy to go chasing after her. She returned twenty minutes later.
SC: Say barman! How long does it take to make a sandwich! Just wanted to remind you that I am still waiting!
Me: But you-
She was gone. I managed to grab a co-worker and told her to go chase the SC. CW lost her. Another ten minutes passed.
SC: It really does not take this long to make a sandwich!
Me: You haven’t paid and you haven’t told me where you are sitting.
SC: Why is that so important?
Me: Well you see, we’ve introduced this new policy: People have to pay for things!
SC: You know what, just forget it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female co-worker had been serving the same customer all night. He had taken a liking to her, and insisted on her serving him whenever he came up to the bar. CW finished her shift and headed home. The customer came up to the bar.
SC: Where’s the girl who has been serving me all night? I want her to get my drink!
Me: I’m afraid she has gone home for the night.
SC: But I only want her to make my drinks! She makes them much better than any of you lot!
I must note that he was drinking bottles.
SC: Get on the phone and call her! She’ll come back and serve me!
Me: I really don’t think she will.
SC: You don’t know that! Well how about you give me her number and I call her?
Me: Oh yeah! Sure! It’s 123456789 (yes I really said that)
SC: *dials* Pal, I don’t think you gave me the right number. It won’t connect.
Me: Oh. Maybe she’s got her phone switched off.
SC: Where does she live?
I walked away at that point.
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An old man had been stood at the end of the bar for most of the night. He seemed like a friendly guy, and I was quite chatty with him...until he had too much to drink.
SC: You’re a really nice guy, you know that? Really nice.
Me: OK, thanks.
SC: We should go for a beer sometime.
Me: I would but I’m really busy. Yeah, really busy.
SC: Are you sure? We’d have a great time, and I don’t want to brag, but I give the world’s best blowjobs.
I immediately swapped registers with a co-worker and started working at the opposite end of the bar.
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A group of six men walked into the pub and immediately headed straight for the toilets. This usually means one thing: they are going to do drugs. We sent a doorman in to follow them, and he quickly returned informing us that they were indeed doing drugs. He went away to get some support so they could be escorted off the premises. Unfortunately, while he was away, two of them got out the toilets and headed to the bar. It was so obvious that they were off their face that it was scary. A co-worker bravely went up to them.
CW: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we can’t serve you in here. We’re aware of what you were doing in the toilets.
SC: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The SC picked up a glass and attempted to drive it into her face. Luckily about a second beforehand, one of the doormen appeared and shoved the guy to the ground. The other two doormen were in the middle of leading the remaining four men to the doors, when they also started to kick off.
Four of the men got in a brawl outside that got so bad that two cars were damaged. The fifth ran away, and the one that attempted to glass CW was pinned to the ground until the police arrived. The police cuffed him and took him away.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
About five seconds after the police left, a completely different fight kicked off. This fight resulted in the quiz machine being knocked over and smashed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was all starting to calm down, when a do-gooder came to the bar.
SC: I demand to speak to the manager about that appalling display of human behaviour I just witnessed!
The SC cornered the manager, and went on and on and on about how wrong it was. Not the behaviour of the drug taking SC’s. Oh no. He said that the doorman was “too heavy handed on a customer” and that he should be sued.
SC: After all, he was the customer! He might not want to come back now! You will have lost his business!
M: Well what was he supposed to do? Allow my colleague to be hit in the face with a glass?
SC: There are much calmer, humane ways of dealing with things. That poor man is probably going to be in pain tomorrow after being violently pushed to the floor!
M: Oh dear. That’s much worse than her being scarred for life isn’t it!
SC: I’m getting the feeling that you aren’t taking this complaint seriously.
M: You got that right. What if that was your daughter working behind that bar? Or your wife? What would you be saying if she was hit in the face with a glass and no one prevented it?
SC: I would never allow my wife or daughter to work in a pub to begin with.
M: Well we’re obviously not good enough for you, so you can finish your drink and go.
SC: WHAT?!
The doorman offered to lead him to the door. I’ve never seen a customer leave the building so quickly.
Wow. What utter craziness! I have to say, I thought you handled the sandwich lady really well, and your manager's response to that ..weirdo.. was pretty awesome 
Bravo...great stories. Wow, what was with the one Jekyll and Hyde guy? So nice about his potato vs. fries until you said it was no problem and then all of a sudden BLARGLE BLARGLE BLARGLE!! People are crazy...
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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