Tweet
Wherein We Take Bargain Hunting To A New Level
Kind of a slow week here with the miserable weather. Not that that stopped everyone from calling. Only some of them....
I Can Too
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but I can't page anyone for you unless you know their name or extension."
SC: “What good is your service then if you can’t page anyone?!”
Oh, but I can page anyone, good sir. That is precisely the problem. You can’t tell me who specifically out of the "anyone" that you want me to page as there are approximately 132 anyone's in the directory of this company. Thus your desperate inquiry actually amounted to “What good are you if you aren’t psychic?”. In which case I fear you may have set the barometer of your customer service expectations just a bit too high.
Don't Even Need A Punchline
Me: "Would you like me to transfer you to the service centre?"
SC: “I don’t care who you give me, but I want some action!”
I think I can safely just leave that one to stand on its own merits.
There's An App For That
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “Oh, sorry, I only have a cell phone.”
Oddly enough, that does not actually disqualify you from having a phone number. Quite the opposite. Heck, I dare say I’m about to make your day. You see that square, thin shiny thing you have there? Now, I know what you walked out of the store you were probably thinking something like “Holy crap! Angry Birds is EXPENSIVE!” but see your Angry Birds there is actually a phone. Among other things. I know! Crazy, right? There’s no buttons on it or anything. But its true! That’s seriously a phone you’ve got there. It also plays music, movies, browses the Internet, all sorts of stuff. Truly, it’s an amazing little piece of technology and you really should check out all that other weird stuff that comes on the screen before you flick past it to get to the Angry Birds.
Amazing!
Me: “And the card number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Um……XXXX….”
Me: “…..Yes?”
SC: “….you mean I have to give you all the numbers?”
That is the general idea behind a credit card, yes. I realize very very few of you up there possess ( or qualify ) for such a thing. So you may not have any frame of reference for the legendary item you currently grasp in your sweaty mitts. But rest assured, I am familiar with these arcane devices and I speak only the truth of their operation.
SC: “I just paid through VISA now?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “So this just comes off my VISA right now, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Just like that!?”
Me: “….Yes.”
SC: "Wooooooow."
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I sincerely don’t think you’re qualified to responsibly own a credit card. Honestly, you might want to just take a pair of scissors too it right and save yourself the inevitable trouble of large, angry men arriving to remind you the card is not actually a source of magic free money.
Runaway Train
SC: “The registers are absolutely ice cold.”
Me: “Alright, are you a resident or the building manager?”
SC: “It’s absolutely terrible, I have a weekend coming up-”
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”
SC: “-there’s no way I can stay in here-”
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-they’re going to have to put me in a hotel-“
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-I have to get myself-“
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-ready for work and-“
Me: “Ma’am!”
SC: "-because I have to go to-“
THERE'S 10 MINUTES LEFT THE STORY AND NO ONE LEAVES THE GOD DAMN CALL!
I'm Not Sure How To Answer That
SC: “What country is this?”
Me: “Canada.”
SC: “Which Canada?”
Seeing as there hasn’t been more than one Canada since the 1800s, I’m just going to go right ahead and say the Canada. Unless your phone is capable of making calls across time or parallel universes that is. In which case, please accept my apologies. In our universe, the iPhone isn’t quite capable of crossing dimensional barriers yet though I’m sure it’s a planned firmware update for the holiday season.
Woefully Underdeveloped
SC: “Do you really need my phone number or can I just give you an extension?”
Oddly enough, I do really need the phone number part yes. I believe I have stated this before but my powers of extrasensory perception are woefully underdeveloped. As no one told me I would need them as part of the skill set for this job. Which, really, we should start listing that as a requirement in our job postings: Good communication skills, typing skills, flexible work schedule, high school diploma. ( Ability to pull information from the ether with your mind is a plus! ). You know, standard customer service stuff.
Alright Then
Me: “Can you hold for a moment, please sir?”
SC: “<snort> Harumpfabooof”
I…..guess I’ll take that as a yes?
Single Minded
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Alright, and your first name please sir?”
SC: “It’s on page 51.”
Me: “Yes, but what is your name please sir?”
SC: “Yep, page 51. Yep.”
I’m really hoping you’re just not listening to a word I say and not actually insisting that your name is Page 51. But very well, if you truly insist I will enter your name as Page 51. Though somehow I doubt <company> will process your order. You may have to make the case for your bizarre moniker directly to customer service. Perhaps fax them a copy of your driver’s license or something.
Did your parent’s name you after the page they found their favourite pair of pants on? I’ll assume your full name is Page 51 Winter Catalog.
Me: "Alright, and the item number please?"
SC: "xxxx"
Me: "Alright, what size?"
SC: "Pants"
Me: "Alright, but what size?"
SC: "Navy"
Me: "Yes, but what size?"
SC: "Pants"
Me: "Yes, but what size sir?"
SC: "Navy?"
I'm beginning to suspect that I may in fact just be talking to a dog with a soundboard.
Bargain Hunting
SC: “Yeah, I just wanted to get a ballpark figure on a cruise. I figure the prices might have gone down with the disaster.”
Wait wait wait, so you saw that cruise ship sink on the news and your first thought was “Sweet! Discounts!”?
.....You know you're kind of a prick, right?
The Quest For Golden Arches
( Name's changed obviously ;p )
SC: “I’d like to place an order in advance so I can come pick it up in about 15 minutes?”
Me: “Sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Am I calling Mcdonalds?”
Me: “No, this is Dr Tyler's office.”
SC: “Isn’t it Tyler McDonald?”
Me: “No, it’s Doctor Tyler.”
SC: “Oh, it’s not Tyler McDonald? Ah shit.”
I admire your determination here in attempting to bend reality through sheer force of will, but try as you might, you will not get McNuggets from a doctor’s office. Though I must admit I’m rather curious as to how you figured Ronald McDonald’s first name was actually “Tyler”. Somehow I don’t think that would have marketed quite as well.
SC: “This is a physician’s office?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Uh, well I’m kinda sick <snicker>……so can I make an.....”
I urge you to take a moment and truly contemplate your current situation before you finish that sentence.
SC: “………no, no that's okay. Sorry.”
You know what? I really must congratulate you. You may very well be the first caller that actually realized they were foolishly running their hands over the charred surface of the blackened Pandora's Box that is my unwavering disdain. Then wisely thought better then to open it and unleash the uncompromising darkness within.
So let this be a harrowing lesson for you, youngling and may you think twice before you again fumble blindly into the unfeeling realm of an Elder CSR. You truly know not what horrors lay within and while you have not emerged unscathed, you have at least escaped unharmed with a new appreciation for the fragile warmth of life.
annnd rest. -.-
I Can Too
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but I can't page anyone for you unless you know their name or extension."
SC: “What good is your service then if you can’t page anyone?!”
Oh, but I can page anyone, good sir. That is precisely the problem. You can’t tell me who specifically out of the "anyone" that you want me to page as there are approximately 132 anyone's in the directory of this company. Thus your desperate inquiry actually amounted to “What good are you if you aren’t psychic?”. In which case I fear you may have set the barometer of your customer service expectations just a bit too high.
Don't Even Need A Punchline
Me: "Would you like me to transfer you to the service centre?"
SC: “I don’t care who you give me, but I want some action!”
I think I can safely just leave that one to stand on its own merits.
There's An App For That
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “Oh, sorry, I only have a cell phone.”
Oddly enough, that does not actually disqualify you from having a phone number. Quite the opposite. Heck, I dare say I’m about to make your day. You see that square, thin shiny thing you have there? Now, I know what you walked out of the store you were probably thinking something like “Holy crap! Angry Birds is EXPENSIVE!” but see your Angry Birds there is actually a phone. Among other things. I know! Crazy, right? There’s no buttons on it or anything. But its true! That’s seriously a phone you’ve got there. It also plays music, movies, browses the Internet, all sorts of stuff. Truly, it’s an amazing little piece of technology and you really should check out all that other weird stuff that comes on the screen before you flick past it to get to the Angry Birds.
Amazing!
Me: “And the card number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Um……XXXX….”
Me: “…..Yes?”
SC: “….you mean I have to give you all the numbers?”
That is the general idea behind a credit card, yes. I realize very very few of you up there possess ( or qualify ) for such a thing. So you may not have any frame of reference for the legendary item you currently grasp in your sweaty mitts. But rest assured, I am familiar with these arcane devices and I speak only the truth of their operation.
SC: “I just paid through VISA now?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “So this just comes off my VISA right now, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Just like that!?”
Me: “….Yes.”
SC: "Wooooooow."
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I sincerely don’t think you’re qualified to responsibly own a credit card. Honestly, you might want to just take a pair of scissors too it right and save yourself the inevitable trouble of large, angry men arriving to remind you the card is not actually a source of magic free money.
Runaway Train
SC: “The registers are absolutely ice cold.”
Me: “Alright, are you a resident or the building manager?”
SC: “It’s absolutely terrible, I have a weekend coming up-”
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”
SC: “-there’s no way I can stay in here-”
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-they’re going to have to put me in a hotel-“
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-I have to get myself-“
Me: “Ma’am?”
SC: “-ready for work and-“
Me: “Ma’am!”
SC: "-because I have to go to-“
THERE'S 10 MINUTES LEFT THE STORY AND NO ONE LEAVES THE GOD DAMN CALL!
I'm Not Sure How To Answer That
SC: “What country is this?”
Me: “Canada.”
SC: “Which Canada?”
Seeing as there hasn’t been more than one Canada since the 1800s, I’m just going to go right ahead and say the Canada. Unless your phone is capable of making calls across time or parallel universes that is. In which case, please accept my apologies. In our universe, the iPhone isn’t quite capable of crossing dimensional barriers yet though I’m sure it’s a planned firmware update for the holiday season.
Woefully Underdeveloped
SC: “Do you really need my phone number or can I just give you an extension?”
Oddly enough, I do really need the phone number part yes. I believe I have stated this before but my powers of extrasensory perception are woefully underdeveloped. As no one told me I would need them as part of the skill set for this job. Which, really, we should start listing that as a requirement in our job postings: Good communication skills, typing skills, flexible work schedule, high school diploma. ( Ability to pull information from the ether with your mind is a plus! ). You know, standard customer service stuff.
Alright Then
Me: “Can you hold for a moment, please sir?”
SC: “<snort> Harumpfabooof”
I…..guess I’ll take that as a yes?
Single Minded
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Alright, and your first name please sir?”
SC: “It’s on page 51.”
Me: “Yes, but what is your name please sir?”
SC: “Yep, page 51. Yep.”
I’m really hoping you’re just not listening to a word I say and not actually insisting that your name is Page 51. But very well, if you truly insist I will enter your name as Page 51. Though somehow I doubt <company> will process your order. You may have to make the case for your bizarre moniker directly to customer service. Perhaps fax them a copy of your driver’s license or something.
Did your parent’s name you after the page they found their favourite pair of pants on? I’ll assume your full name is Page 51 Winter Catalog.
Me: "Alright, and the item number please?"
SC: "xxxx"
Me: "Alright, what size?"
SC: "Pants"
Me: "Alright, but what size?"
SC: "Navy"
Me: "Yes, but what size?"
SC: "Pants"
Me: "Yes, but what size sir?"
SC: "Navy?"
I'm beginning to suspect that I may in fact just be talking to a dog with a soundboard.
Bargain Hunting
SC: “Yeah, I just wanted to get a ballpark figure on a cruise. I figure the prices might have gone down with the disaster.”
Wait wait wait, so you saw that cruise ship sink on the news and your first thought was “Sweet! Discounts!”?
.....You know you're kind of a prick, right?
The Quest For Golden Arches
( Name's changed obviously ;p )
SC: “I’d like to place an order in advance so I can come pick it up in about 15 minutes?”
Me: “Sorry, but you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Am I calling Mcdonalds?”
Me: “No, this is Dr Tyler's office.”
SC: “Isn’t it Tyler McDonald?”
Me: “No, it’s Doctor Tyler.”
SC: “Oh, it’s not Tyler McDonald? Ah shit.”
I admire your determination here in attempting to bend reality through sheer force of will, but try as you might, you will not get McNuggets from a doctor’s office. Though I must admit I’m rather curious as to how you figured Ronald McDonald’s first name was actually “Tyler”. Somehow I don’t think that would have marketed quite as well.
SC: “This is a physician’s office?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Uh, well I’m kinda sick <snicker>……so can I make an.....”
I urge you to take a moment and truly contemplate your current situation before you finish that sentence.
SC: “………no, no that's okay. Sorry.”
You know what? I really must congratulate you. You may very well be the first caller that actually realized they were foolishly running their hands over the charred surface of the blackened Pandora's Box that is my unwavering disdain. Then wisely thought better then to open it and unleash the uncompromising darkness within.
So let this be a harrowing lesson for you, youngling and may you think twice before you again fumble blindly into the unfeeling realm of an Elder CSR. You truly know not what horrors lay within and while you have not emerged unscathed, you have at least escaped unharmed with a new appreciation for the fragile warmth of life.
annnd rest. -.-
.
Comment