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To whom it may concern.
I know that you are students, for the most part. I realize that living on study loans is no picnic, I have done so myself before landing this job. I do not wish to deny anyone the right to enjoy a night on the town. I recognize how important a part of college life the social activities are, and how the alcohol-soaked bonds of fraternity and camaraderie tied now can last a lifetime.
However.
In this jurisdiction, it is illegal for me as a bartender, and the owner's representative, to give away free drinks. It is illegal for me to offer discounted prices on drinks. If I exchange alcoholic beverages for anything other than the correct amount of money in either legal tender or approved credit, I am facing a lengthy holiday at Club Fed.
It is not legal for me to trade beverages for goods or services. Contrary to what some of you seem to believe, neither foreign currencies, marijuana, small arms ammunition, jewelry, smuggled cigarettes, moonshine, sexual favors of various kinds or electronic entertainment items of dubious legal provenance are the legal tender of this proud nation. It would be pretty sweet if I had a separate "smokes & bullets" drawer in my cash register, but alas, it is not to be.
These simple statements reflect the legal standing of my profession. I will not risk my employment and the chance to work in my chosen profession for your gratification. Many of you have tried to ingratiate yourselves with me, hoping that I will do so out of an overwhelming love for the cheap bastard on the other side of the bar. Some of you have mistaken my professional politeness for an attempt to make friends, and I kindly ask you not to presume. Unless we have met in daylight at least twice and exchanged telephone numbers, we are not friends, and I will be doing you no favours. Not even for the promise of two gallons of "forest star" and a carton of Russian ciggies.
I would like to adress those young ladies and gentlemen who have offered me sexual favours in particular. Gents, it won't happen. I'm sorry, but none of you is Jensen Ackles. Ladies, I'm sure you have many virtues under the daylight. They are, however, not apparent to me when you are half-lying on the bar, slurring out a request for another drink.
Ladies and gentlemen: Have you no shame? In the state most of you are in, I can understand that maintaining decorum can be difficult, but please, attempt to preserve some form of dignity. If you find this impossible, and, in your alcohol-induced stupor, intend to expose or prostitute yourselves, at least make sure you are reasonably compensated for your efforts. Also, to you ladies who attempt to exchange a quick display of bosom for a beverage, I am a committed "leg man" and got the eyeful I wanted while you were on the dance floor.
To summarise: I will happily provide you with the beverages you desire, provided full payment in legal tender or approved credit is immediately forthcoming. I will gladly converse if so is desired, but do not presume that this is anything other than professional courtesy.
I hope that this has brought some clarity into my feelings on the matter, and I hope we can build a solid continuing business relationship on these terms.
Yours sincerely.
A friendly neighbourhood bartender.
______________________________
Ranting about customers, like a sir.
I know that you are students, for the most part. I realize that living on study loans is no picnic, I have done so myself before landing this job. I do not wish to deny anyone the right to enjoy a night on the town. I recognize how important a part of college life the social activities are, and how the alcohol-soaked bonds of fraternity and camaraderie tied now can last a lifetime.
However.
In this jurisdiction, it is illegal for me as a bartender, and the owner's representative, to give away free drinks. It is illegal for me to offer discounted prices on drinks. If I exchange alcoholic beverages for anything other than the correct amount of money in either legal tender or approved credit, I am facing a lengthy holiday at Club Fed.
It is not legal for me to trade beverages for goods or services. Contrary to what some of you seem to believe, neither foreign currencies, marijuana, small arms ammunition, jewelry, smuggled cigarettes, moonshine, sexual favors of various kinds or electronic entertainment items of dubious legal provenance are the legal tender of this proud nation. It would be pretty sweet if I had a separate "smokes & bullets" drawer in my cash register, but alas, it is not to be.
These simple statements reflect the legal standing of my profession. I will not risk my employment and the chance to work in my chosen profession for your gratification. Many of you have tried to ingratiate yourselves with me, hoping that I will do so out of an overwhelming love for the cheap bastard on the other side of the bar. Some of you have mistaken my professional politeness for an attempt to make friends, and I kindly ask you not to presume. Unless we have met in daylight at least twice and exchanged telephone numbers, we are not friends, and I will be doing you no favours. Not even for the promise of two gallons of "forest star" and a carton of Russian ciggies.
I would like to adress those young ladies and gentlemen who have offered me sexual favours in particular. Gents, it won't happen. I'm sorry, but none of you is Jensen Ackles. Ladies, I'm sure you have many virtues under the daylight. They are, however, not apparent to me when you are half-lying on the bar, slurring out a request for another drink.
Ladies and gentlemen: Have you no shame? In the state most of you are in, I can understand that maintaining decorum can be difficult, but please, attempt to preserve some form of dignity. If you find this impossible, and, in your alcohol-induced stupor, intend to expose or prostitute yourselves, at least make sure you are reasonably compensated for your efforts. Also, to you ladies who attempt to exchange a quick display of bosom for a beverage, I am a committed "leg man" and got the eyeful I wanted while you were on the dance floor.
To summarise: I will happily provide you with the beverages you desire, provided full payment in legal tender or approved credit is immediately forthcoming. I will gladly converse if so is desired, but do not presume that this is anything other than professional courtesy.
I hope that this has brought some clarity into my feelings on the matter, and I hope we can build a solid continuing business relationship on these terms.
Yours sincerely.
A friendly neighbourhood bartender.
______________________________
Ranting about customers, like a sir.
Oh wow, I must have been sheltered when I was waiting tables/tending bar, because I can safely say I was never offered anything except money, lol. Then again I worked in a well known restaraunt chain, different folks I guess.
- have made me wonder: how do bars account for where the alcohol goes? That is, with potentially several people behind the bar serving drinks and helping customers, how does a bar know that a drink has actually been poured - as opposed to "spilled", "wasted" or just given away for example - or that the bartender is charging the right price? It would seem difficult to track who is doing what when that many folks are running around in the same place and billing on the same register...
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