A canonical list of SCs

[Banthor the Unruly]

[no handle for this one]. - A lonely person who insist on hanging in the store and engaging you in conversation about his weird obsession.

How about "The Conversation Bomber" or "The Shut-in"

I have a few myself:

The Tag-Liner : Customers who says all the dumb ass lines you have already heard a thousand time before, like "I just printed it this morning" when you use a counterfeit pen on the $100 bill they gave you, or "Well, then I guess it's free then!" when the UPC does not scan in.

The Off Duty Eagle-Eye: A customer who sees you in plain cloths when you are off duty and still expects you to help them.

The Tenyeared Customer: A customer who will tell you IN DETAIL how much they have purchased in the past, when you tell them you can not make an exception.

The Mystery War Veteran: I have nothing but respect for those who defend my country, but just because you say you were in the army does not mean you are not lieing. Especially when you want 500 cases of paper towels delivered to you BEFORE you pay for them, this is your first order with the company, and I'm the fourth person you have tried to guilt the order through, THIS MORNING.

[laurenam83]

the fake soccer mom: she drives a mini-van full of her kids and everyone else's. then she drops them off by pulling up and speeding off, to return hours later after the kids have destroyed the store and annoyed you to death. she then returns them to their respective homes and never says what she was really doing in that time.

mr. crazy/lazy eyes: always has something wrong with his eyes and wants to talk to you until you really have NOTHING you can possibly say to him in whatever eye you think might be the "right one". he also has really weird questions that usually have nothing to do with the product that you sell.

rascal grandpa: rolls into your store, takes up ALL the aisle space, asks where the shoes are, and then realizes he's 5 stores down from where he needs to be. you have to yell for him to hear you tell him that.

[RetailActress]

CATALOG ORDER RETURN COMPLAINER [CORC]

Our women's clothing company has both retail stores (such as the one in which I work) and its mail-order catalog division, which offers a lot more than the retail stores have in stock.

Our retail stores accept catalog returns. We send them back - free - to the catalog distribution center as a courtesy to the customer, and then the distribution center will credit the customer's account for the amount of the return.

This is notoriously difficult for many SCs to grasp.

"What, you can't give me my money back RIGHT NOW??"

"Why don't your stores carry WOMENS' SIZES (i.e., large) so I can try them on and not have to do this hit or miss ordering? This is discriminatory!!"

"Why don't your stores carry PETITE SIZES (i.e., small) so I can try them on and not have to do this hit or miss ordering? This is discriminatory!!"

"Why don't your stores carry TALL Sizes (i.e., long) so I can etc. etc. "..... [same as above.]

Well, of course it's all due to corporate decisions about allocations, marketing, square footage, demographic demand, and stuff like that. So I politely suggest that these complainers contact our corporate office --- instead of lowly me ---- with their issues, and I readily supply them with the appreopriate phone number and e-mail.

Think anything productive happens after that?

NO.

[curtismonkey]

The Escaped Mental Patient: They wander into the store looking like they just stepped off of a spaceship, gazing all around as if amazed by this strange new world. Their visit is obviously completely unplanned, and you have to wonder if they've just been wandering aimlessly around town all day. When they finally get to the counter, they typically inform you that they've "never been in here before" and proceed to bother you with pointless questions about the company and every product in the store. Usually leaves without buying anything (but assures you they'll "have to stop in again").

Harmless for the most part, but dealing with them can be a bit draining.

[jerkface11]

The 'Which one is Sprite? lady': I won't lie there are moments in my life where I wish that I could legally get away with killing someone because of that sentence...You ordered a Sprite and a Dr. Pepper....then are stupid enough to ask me which ones which? I believe that makes you a prime candidate to get shot in my book.

The 'I want it fresh' Man/Woman: Makes sure to tell you for five minutes that those Onion Rings better be fresh and cooked just right or they are making a complaint...lets forget for a moment that we only cook orders of onion rings when an order for them comes in.

OMG I love "which one is sprite lady"!! She orders Powerade (which is bright blue) Dr. Pepper and Sprite. We make fun of her for ever after she leaves.

[RetailActress]

THE POINTER

Not the canine. Dogs - doG bless 'em all! - are the complete opposite of SCs.

This POINTER is a human male - usually elderly - who is the husband of someone who is shopping in our women's apparel store.

He's been elsewhere while she's been in our store, and he comes in looking for her. Except we don't know that. Generally, when a man presents himself in our store, we think "needs present for his mother" or "gift certificate." So, we cheerfully greet him and genuinely inquire, "How can we help you?"

THE POINTER silently points his index finger towards the interior of the store, like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come pointing at Scrooge's grave.

Oh. We get it. THE POINTER has spotted his mate. His pointing finger is meant to transmit the unspoken message: "I'm only in here because she's in here and I don't need any attention from you."

He cannot be bothered to politely reply verbally, "Oh, thanks for asking, but I'm actually just meeting my wife in here."

Plus, he makes his wife feel pressured by following her around, so she cuts her browsing short and doesn't buy much, if anything.

Technically, he's not a CUSTOMER but he really SUCKS.

[fish3k1]

Hope this one hasn't been added already (although in 25 pages worth it probably has in one form or another)

The Doctor: Customer is convinced that their tiny car is in fact the TARDIS. I work in the warehouse section of my store bringing people large items which are too bit to have on shop floor. Quite often someone will buy an innocuously named item like, oh I don't know, a giant slide which, one might reasonanly assume, will come in an appropriately sized box.

It's part of my job to ask in these instances the size of the customer's car, and the Doctor will always reply "Don't worry, it'll fit" even after I explain I can STAND in the box with room on every side. These people are typically driving Ford Ka or similar sized car. After retrieving said Giant Slide for customer, upon seeing the box there are two possible reactions.

a) "Ooh, that's a big box." YOU THINK? And I have to take it back into the warehouse, then sort out delayed pick-up paperwork, wasting god knows how much time and usually causing a queue to form.

b) Customer attempts to fit the item anyway, fails, brings it back into the store. And I have to take it back into the warehouse, then sort out delayed pick-up paperwork, wasting god knows how much time and usually causing a queue to form.

[IvorTangrean]

Contractors, in my store they come in a few types.

The Know it all: They have been installing for years and have the attitude to prove it. The best part is that often they are unframilliar with our products and get the wrong stuff, but they know better than us, after all we are just retail people.

The How are you still alive: They have been installing for years and only God knows why they are not in the Darwin awards. They are dumb as a brick and do dangerous jobs. I even had one of these show up at my other job, I asked my boss why they hired him. He was not sure anymore.

The DIY: They are doing some renos on thier home and figure this is not too hard I could do this for a living. Not realizing that they bought $60 equipment and the pros use $600 gear.

The Contractor EW: Worse than the regular EW these people have a department devoted to making them happy, so it really pisses them off when they don't get it all the time.

[Dips]

The Eugene-Loving Button Monkey

Unlike the regular Button Monkey (see up thread) who repeatedly pushes redial instead of leaving a message, this specimen is trying to reach a specific person, Eugene.

If someone else picks up the phone, this person will hang up without a word and hit the redial button. This pattern will be repeated until Eugene either happens to pick up or the ELBM stops expecting different results.

The ELBM can be a major nuisance on Eugene's day off.

[Rattslinger]

Machine Gun Kelly: Male or Female assistant/secretary who has the speech of a Speed Freak on a four day binge. Speech pattern usually consists of tripping over their own words, asking the same question three or four times, and getting upset when you ask them to repeat themselves.

Are You New Orderer: The person who has been ordering the exact same item and amount from your company every week for ten to twenty years, yet still doesn't know anything about the order. IE: I've been ordering boxes of widgets from you for thirteen years, so how many come in each box?

[csever01]

The Pseudo-Oblivious Scammer: The SC who thinks they can scam their way out of paying for something by giving you a line of crap about how the product or service has suddenly changed when it really hasn't at all. Example: SC: The service was horrible...I had to ASK for water! Me: Yes, sir, we don't automatically deliver water here. SC: Yes you do! Me: Um, no, actually, we haven't for a long time now. SC: Well they've always done it for me. Me: Well, we haven't done that for over five years now. SC: Yes you HAVE! I want my meal free! Me:

[Evil Queen]

If I have to hear " It won't scan, it must be free, ha, ha, ha" or when cleaning my till "You missed a spot, ha, ha, ha" one more time, I swear I will throw said item at the customers head!

My father has a terrible habit of saying that. I'm trying to get him to stop but it's hard since I've never worked in retail. (my sibling, however, has, and for some reason seems unable to tell our father how cashiers hate hearing the same "joke" over and over and over and...)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The Too-Easily Amused:

Upon encountering a display full of singing, dancing toys that operate when you push some character's hand or foot, the Too-Easily Amused SC will activate as many of the toys as possible, or all of them, resulting in a cacophony of badly-sung songs not playing at the same time and the entire display seeming to shake its collective booty because of all the toys moving at once.

I get to put up with a lot of these SCs. Mainly because our buyer are freaking morons who think people actually want to buy these stupid toys.

[Ill_Used_Heroine]

Extra extra points if it's parishable and they stick it in the magazine rack and you find it at the end of your shift all warm and, in the case of ice cream, sticky.

My mom STILL does this. *sigh* And when I go to run whatever back to where it belongs, she says (in that "why do you bother?" tone of voice), "They PAY people to do that!"

Uh, yeah Ma ... I'm sure that by the time one of the busy employees notices the product of your lazy, self-absorbed, entitled behavior, they'll appreciate all the melted ice cream that dripped on the magazines.

[JoitheArtist]

The Too-Easily Amused:

Upon encountering a display full of singing, dancing toys that operate when you push some character's hand or foot, the Too-Easily Amused SC will activate as many of the toys as possible, or all of them, resulting in a cacophony of badly-sung songs not playing at the same time and the entire display seeming to shake its collective booty because of all the toys moving at once.

I get to put up with a lot of these SCs. Mainly because our buyer are freaking morons who think people actually want to buy these stupid toys.

Oh yes. Anyone remember Rock 'n' Roll Elmo? I worked in a small clothing store, that was forced to carry several of these abominations (we had RnR Ernie too, but his voice wasn't as annoying, and since he played Splish Splash and Rock Around the Clock, I didn't mind him too much). Elmo's voice annoys me anyway, and to hear that thing start to screech out "A, B, C, easy as 1, 2, 3..." AUGH!!!!!!!!!! And the adults who would set off every single one of them for the amusement of their bratty kids....GRRRRR.

And the time we were forced to carry the singing fish? We will not speak of it...

My own contributions:

The "You People" people: There's no phrase garunteed to make you a despised customer faster than calling the member services reps "You people." "You people overcharged me!" "You people are just out for money!" "You people keep taking things away from us!"

The Fixed Incomes:

SC: I want to join!
Me: I'll be happy to help you with that! Membership is $20 a year, and once you're signed up, we'll help you get in touch with a group in your area.
SC: You mean I have to pay to join? That's ridiculous! Just give me the phone number for someone in my area!
Me: I can't give out contact information for any of our members, but again, once you're signed up as a member I'll be happy to help you get in touch with someone.
SC: I used to be able to look for groups for free! (Yes, and so could hundreds of spammers and solicitors, which is why they can't do that anymore) I'm on a FIXED INCOME.

Me: (thinking) So is almost everyone else in the world, except Bill Gates. EVERYBODY has a budget. Either you want this and are willing to pay the very minimal fee, or you don't want it enough.

SC: This is terrible! You must not want people to join! *click*

Right. We don't want people to join, since the memberships help pay our salary. In fact, we got NOTHING from that call, since she just called the toll-free number. SIGH.


The Crimestoppers Wannabes. They call in to report on other members, insist that local group leaders are doing things "wrong," but won't give their own information, and insist on being anonymous.

SC: So-and-so is doing things that are against our rules!
Me: Well, we don't really have that many rules, what is she doing?
SC: She's doing blah (a minor thing that is in no way against our rules or even common decency)
Me: I'm sorry you feel hurt by that, but she has every right to do that.
SC: But it's not just that! She's breaking the rules!
Me: What else is going on?
SC: Repeats same complaint
Me: I've just explained, that's not against our rules.
SC: But aren't you going to stop her?

I think that call ended up with her crying and slamming the phone down. Sigh.