A canonical list of SCs

[crazylegs]

Heehee, to each his own. But I'm willing to bet you wouldnt go into a store and complain about something that mild being inappropriate especially when its barely audible.

Of course not, I'd let it fade into the background and concentrate on another sound instead.

[elysia]

Alright, looks like I'm wrong and coldplay is atrociously offensive to the ear, lol. I'll work on that apparantly shitty taste in music I've got. My bad. Maybe customers will be happier if I start blasting hate music.

[dmcglu82]

Mapquester: Customer who comes in to your store asking for directions to your competitor.

Snotty: Customer who leaves used tissues behind.

[Automan Empire]

The P.T. Barnham customer. Keeps going back, and going back to the dealer (or whatever known-crooked competition) for their $25 oil change special (a loss leader price, ours is more than double but worth it) and "free" car wash, and every time comes STRAIGHT from the dealer to our shop with a scary long list of recommendations, all of which are priced higher than us, and most of which we find he doesn't actually need! This dealership does not have a sterling history of honest selling. I have more than one inside channel indicating that the pressure to SELL SELL SELL is unremitting from upper management there. Every time, we openly wonder how many more times he is going to trust them, and he keeps going back and going back, like a dog who keeps wagging his tail after getting sucker-kicked again and again. He actually spends juuuuuuust enough, often enough, to not blow him out, but same as at the dealer. Sometimes we've proven that they charged him for work they didn't even do! Proves P.T. Barnham correct, in the "There's a sucker born every minute!" (sigh!)


The Blow Sunshine Up My Ass customer. Guy's got a broken down 1990 car. He has obviously been talking to shops, and a consensus has been reached by people who haven't examined the vehicle that the main fuel pump is bad. He has a few questions about what we charge, but kept hitting on if the diagnostic fee goes toward the work. I said probably partially IF nobody has started working on the car (which they have ) but finding the right thing to fix the first time IS the work. Then he justifies his repeat questions with a chuckled sentence or five about having to pay to get it towed. There was an uncomfortable (for him) silence when I didn't offer to tow it here for free. We'll see, but I've probably already quoted him for an original type pump (expensive but lasts so a good value) that we don't even know he needs yet, and he's been getting quotes on the cheap substitute that tends to fail within a year.

The thing that really galls me about it all is, the guy wasn't even that earnest about bringing it here, pretty much because he's already talked to several service managers at DEAD shops, who have kissed his ass, promised the moon for free, and chatted him up and made him feel special. It is a competition to see which shop blows the most sunshine up the customer's ass when they call, a competition that is easily won by the shop with the fewest repeat customers. Stop and think about it, if you choose a shop because they have lots of time to dote attention on you; good mechanics are always busy, but the unbusy ones are like that because they have few repeat customers, so they charge each one a lot and deliver little... but are nice while they do it.

Recreational Shopper Subtype of Lookie-Loo. Simply enjoys shopping, minus the part about buying something. Seems to really enjoy the sound of their own voice. Will talk as long as anyone in the store will listen. Attracted to outlet malls and toll-free numbers.

Any port in a storm attention seeker Often older. Seems more interested in getting attention than the actual acquisition of goods. Talks a lot in proportion to the amount spent... finally. Apt to change the subject and launch into long-winded stories and anecdotes. Answers questions deftly asked to be yes or no with a paragraph-length filibuster. There is an old expression that says, "Some people go to a doctor, when what they want is an audience." People do this to car doctors, too.

Hyper Puppies at opening time This morning was like four hyper puppies trying to get in the doggie door at the same time, when I opened the front gate. Literally, all of them tried to pull their cars in the gate at once, despite rush hour traffic and young pedestrians. Yeah people, you still have to watch for other cars, and park legally on the street, if the gate you intended to enter is not yet open. I hate when they say, in essence, "I had NO CHOICE but to park across the sidewalk, nosed hard into your gate, causing group after group of elementary school students to have to walk out into the traffic lane in rush hour." As you're whipping your head back and forth in uncertain birdlike movements, wondering when the gate is magically going to open for you 20 minutes early, can't you see that happening, and all the empty legal spaces along the curb nearby? Jeez.
I've seen this type of rush at various stores, before employee coffee has kicked in.

[Automan Empire]

Ignorant jargon talker Customers that want to talk technical with me, but lose me at calling a module a modulator, or uttering the phrase, "relay switch." Anyone who tries to ingratiate themselves, or impress with their malaprop vocabulary of jargon that they embarassingly misuse. Winds up annoying instead, and reducing the quality of service they receive.

Elderly time-waster type 741 Be very old and slow and show up at the end of a long line, to wait for a long list of penny-ante cosmetic and comfort s#$%, which tends to go, antenna non-op. Turn on switch. Check light on dash that customer cannot describe but really, really worries her. Replace $2.00 bulb so light with a picture of a light bulb with an X through it goes out. Smell bad yourself, and bring a bowl of smelly oatmeal and take an hour to not eat it all, while you down pills like Jordan Almonds, occasionally dropping them to roll about the office floor. Never stop talking about nothing, except mid sentence when beending way over for a pill. Keep assuring us that you don't mind waiting, when all the other customers hand us the keys and leave for the day.


J'Accuse! customer. Sets the tone for the transaction by beginning with an accusation that something (patently absurd) went wrong last visit. "My windshield washer cap disappeared after you guys worked on the car last."

Oh yeah, that brittle plastic thing that always breaks, so often that I order them 5 at a time from the dealer. We have a strong incentive to steal or break or lose these @2.95 things that always seem to take 60 times longer to sell than to install, the customer all the while feeling it is owed to him for us having worked on the car in the past... keeping $1500 jobs on hold while you carp about us breaking your $2.95 cap that we make less than 50 cents profit on. STFU now, please, sir, before our respect slides the rest of the way. "I dunno, it just seems awfully strange, about that washer cap. " Yeah, that is strange Mister. Did I say $2.95? I meant $3.49. Oh, you closed the ticket and paid by credit card and have no cash, not even a $5? (I already spotted a wad of money... he's still plying for a freebie) Well, I'm suddenly out of stock. We're done. Just drive away now, puh-lease.


Boggle Me Elmo Asks technical questions that they themselves realize upfront they will never (want to-the key) understand, but they insist on taking up the time to feel well-served. This type will ask what spring seats are, what they do, where they are, and what happens when they go bad, how long they take to replace, and how long you have till they're, uh, REALLY bad, and often go full circle and start repeating questions. Or will be like the old couple that just left after a long unprofitable encounter, and pull back in for a ten minute explanation that the shiftlock override button is not in fact the overdrive, and that the overdrive works if you just put it in Drive and just freaking DRIVE. Go through every permutation of what to do if you're going up a hill, down a hill, on your way to Victorville, till I think of you as a Seussian character, Dumb-I-am, or maybe boggle-me-elmo.

Groundhog Day Customer Comes in repeatedly asking about the same product or service in great detail, but for some reason cannot complete the transaction. So.... almost every day, this broke customer lady requesting an out-of-warranty, warranty repair to which we sympathetically agreed but now regret, calls or arrives, asking in a simpering voice if we can do it today. YES if you LEAVE it. I have to wait. Well there's a line. What about tomorrow? Its going to be busy tomorrow, same as yesterday; if you put it in line we can do it. Well I have to work. So does everyone else. Well why did they go bad. (explain again) Can my ex husband do it? I don't have a problem with that- here are the nuts. How busy are you going to be tomorrow? About the same as today most likely- drop it off and we can do it; wait and we can't. Well what about the next day? SAME THING!!!!!!! Okay, I'll call you. AND HAVE THE EXACT SAME CONVERSATION AGAIN LIKE GROUNDHOG DAY, AND LIKE GROUNDHOG DAY ONE DAY I MAY TRY HAULING OFF AND PUNCHING YOU!!!!!! [disclaimer, in the realm of movie-like fantasy]

Meanwhile, new customer arrivals are milling about with declining patience, with hundreds of dollars work to carry over into tomorrow, their rides waiting..... Lady, at what point does it sink in that this is NOT a jiffy lube?

[Automan Empire]

Murphy's law of parking. Regardless of the layout of the parking lot and distribution of cars already parked there, each arriving sucky customer must park diagonally in the middle of wherever it is you most need them to NOT park, such as in the driveway or across several bay doors. Then they must act pissy about having to move, and take an unbelievably long time to kind of move the car to a slightly less in-the-way place, and if at all possible must include a mincing, 31-point U-turn in the worst part of the lot to do so, and come dangerously near every expensive car there, and the cheaper their car, the closer. Something about auto shops makes people park all retarded, every time!

The god wannabe. I am a vain and jealous customer, and thou shalt put no other customer before me.

The loop-de-loop conversationalist Often not very bright, but amazingly adept at throwing the most professional employee off-track at every sentence. Answers any pertinent question with an unrelated question, or requires 25 sentences, mostly questions, to get to "I'll take the cheapest thing you sell."

The act-all-knowlegable ignoramus The type that has an ENTIRE conversation about some particular repair, then says, "Because what it's doing is..... [something totally unrelated.]"

Wow, I've met a LOT of SC archetypes in 23+ years, serving the public!

[Automan Empire]

Just To Get A Rise Out Of You customer When they ask you the same question several different times and ways in a row, and when they finally detect your rising exasperation and comprehend the simple answer, patronizingly say, "Sorry to bother you." Probably the only sense of superiority they achieve in life.

Everything but what's relevant customer In a transaction where timely phone contact is critical to meeting their time expectations, they busily fill out all 3 phone number spaces on the work order, blather on endlessly about irrelevant crap, then as you start to finally do the next thing as they're finally leaving, and after putting their work order away, they turn around and say brightly, "Oohhhh... let me give you the number where I'll actually beeeeeeeee." Liable to be an elementary school teacher, bureaucrat, or 15-year, entry level secretary.

Scope Creep Customer Claims they want ONE simple thing, so you cram them into a busy schedule instead of turn them away outright, and they sit there and say OH while you're looking at (simple quick thing) could you also (do a complex, lengthy task in a similar, pull-it-out-of-your-ass flash)?

[Smart_Aussie12]

I don't think anyone said these...but I worked in a supermarket for a year and then a clothing store's kids section.

The reciept checker: The SC who will stand at the end of the line after checking out and look through every single item on their reciept attemping to find something wrong. They might even ask you about a few items and are continiously proved wrong.

The 'I'll go get the sign'-ers: When a item rings up 'wrong' the SC will say "I'll go get the sign, be right back", and leave the line. The rest of the line will then proceed to complain about how they need to "get outta here" or "I have better things to do". Usually, the SC returns with the sign, not reading the fine print saying you need to by the 16 ounce Fruit Loops, not the 26 ounce.

The 'but I only have one item' guy: Not only is closing your line difficult enough, but when you finally turn off your light there is always that one SC who will ask "are you open?", when I reply "No," they say "But I only have one thing." Or, they just point to the one or two items they have with a sympathetic face until you agree to ring them up, or they walk away speaking under their breath.

For each of these I have the following stories related to them:

Receipt people: these people piss me off to no end. If you haven't noticed BEFORE I rang up the transaction, then you clearly have no brain cells.

Sign People: Usually it's the groceries staff who bring these back for my benefit/customers benefit. Funniest one I can recall was a special with soft drink. Customer complains because they weren't scanning correctly. I page groceries guy and explain problem. He goes off, comes back with sign and shows it to me. Took me a while but I figured out that they had the wrong size bottles. Both groceries guy and customer gave me a very weird look. Thankfully all my customers after that had the correct size.

'I have one item person'-I have a slight variation on this one the "dirty look because you're closing" person. My store gets these a lot and people do not seem to comprehend that checkout staff have a life and are entitled to eat/drink/go to the loo/run off because they're crying etc. My rule used to be that if the customer had only a few items, I would put them through but NOBODY after that.

Having said that, my contributions are:

The People Who Have No Concept Of Time/The Movie Stars: Basically those people who come in 2 minutes before you close and spend a good ten minutes browsing the store AFTER we have closed and all the other customers are already at the checkouts. Then they get pissed when you tell them "we're closing." I call them movie stars because they basically think they get the store to themselves.

The Sleazy Idiots-seem to think that checkout chicks are to be hit on.

[Bike_Wrench]

These are copied from my posts in a bicycle industry only subforum, so forgive me if some descriptions are redundant.

The X-Mart Shopper: "Whut? Bahks come in sizes??? I cain't jes' buy one fer mah wahf off'n the shelf??" "Better make it one with a wiiiiide saddle for her wiiiiide aiss"...Hyuk hyuk...


The Houdini: Comes in every day to pester you while you're waiting for parts to come in, then when they do arrive....disappears for weeks.

The Engineer: Has the most technologically advanced recumbent available (purchased online after extensive analysis, of course), but lacks the forethought to stock up on the rare special-order-only tubes it requires, and expects you to have the exact brand, size, gram weight and stem length sitting on the shelf for whenever they randomly appear.

The "Five-Tiller": Comes in at five til closing with their kid's stripped-out BMX wheel with all the bearings missing (requires research, digging through bins and trial-and-error fitting) and expects you to keep the store open while you fix it on the spot. The Five-Tiller may also show up five minutes before you open and will stand in the doorway while you are still trying to roll out bikes, never cluing in that by impeding your opening procedures, their service will be even slower.

The Luddite: "I don't want any of those fancy-schmancy gears or brakes...but why do I have such a hard time getting up these hills?".

The Effete: Already knows everything and isn't here to buy anything. Is just here to interrogate you to determine if you really are half as hardcore as he/she is, and to see if this is a "real" shop meeting their high standards.

The Random Mechanic: Is fixing a machine totally unrelated to bicycles but figures you will have the parts/knowledge. It is really cool when you can creatively help these folks and makes you feel smart, but don't expect to make any money. They are there because they're too cheap to buy the correct parts.

The Globetrotter: Has the money to travel extensively, and although one might think this would gain them some sort of wisdom of regional economics...they still argue about the market price of a flat repair. "Well, in Paraguay...." No, our shop isn't anywhere near Paraguay.

The Prince/Princess: Waits impatiently to have an expensive bicycle purchased for them by their patron, who will always haggle over the price and question your mechanical competence/ability to run a business...all while Princey rolls their eyes and can't be bothered to get off the cell phone to answer pertinent questions.

The Trustafarian: Rarely seen in the shop as most of their parts are purchased through pro deals from industry friends. They are however a great source of barely used gear for cheap....and dope.

The Trade-In: Expects you to place a high value on their bike that was neglected even before it was left out in the rain for 5 years, gets insulted when you won't accept it at the same value they paid 20 years ago.

The Sticker-Shocker: Has their own firm opinions about the relative worth of a bicycle based on some other economy that doesn't exist in our present time continuum or location...and perhaps never did.

The Weight-Weenie: I tried to explain to this one guy that although the SRAM 991 hollowpin chain is a mere 21g lighter, it's also weaker and more expensive than many other good chains, and that he might be better served going with something cheaper but changing it out more frequently. He still ended up demanding the hollowpin.

I thought about buying a twice as expensive Wipperman chain and setting it on a gram scale just to torture him when he came in. Two can play that game.

The Oblivious Parents: Bring their larvae into the store and set them loose to hop onto each and every bike, rip off all the pricetags (which coincidentally will be the very next bike someone asks the price of, leaving you to look stupid and scramble through product catalogs), shift all the gears on immobile bikes, ride around on all the loose kid's bikes, rip out all the hang card holes, put their grimy mitts on every piece of glass and leave their food trash in the middle of the floor...all while the 'rents tell you how ridiculous your prices are compared to X-Mart

The Sneaky Liar: Pleads with you to fit his bike in ahead of everyone else in the queue because he's heading to Moab tonight and "all it needs is cables"....then once you begrudgingly agree (sucker), brings in a basket case that had sat out in the yard for years, had been torn down and spraypainted (without masking anything not easily removed) and then couldn't figure out how to put it all back together. Oh, it's also an ancient bike forcing you to dig through parts bins for hours trying to find all the missing pieces...far more than "just a few cables".

The Pigeonholing Grandma: Gets your attention in the shop because you're an old softie, but once you're sucked in, proceeds to tell stories that trail off into what she had for breakfast, the bowel movements of her grandchildren, how to prevent urinary tract disease in housecats...relentlessly, and having nothing to do with bicycles. God how I was hoping for a coded call from "Bob on line two"...our rescue signal for customers that are taking up too much of our time.

The Clueseeker: "Hey, since I can see you have both hands busy, a wrench in your teeth and a phone at your shoulder...could you tell me how to adjust a front derailleur from beginning to end so I don't have to pay you to do it for me?"

The Borrowers: A couple come in to rent bikes for themselves and their boy of 10. When told all we have are bikes with gears and handbrakes, they state that their boy only knows coaster brakes. Since I left my wand at home and can't produce what we don't have, the mother has a brilliant epiphany and states, "Hey, we could just let him try it out in the parking lot, see if he can handle it...then decide if we want to rent."

Me thinking to myself, "Hmmm...you want me to let you take a bike out to the parking lot before signing any agreement to be solely responsible for damages, piloted by someone you have already stated is an inexperienced rider, and all for a potential $9 profit on a rental. Does anyone but you think this is a good idea?"

The Groupie: Thinks bike mechanics are sexy, cute as a button and makes one think infidelitous thoughts...(God, why won't she come back?)

[RetailActress]

BASC (Bitter, Annoying Senior Citizens)

This is about a womens' apparel company which runs three channels: retail, online, and catalog mail-order. I'm in one of the retail stores. Our phone rings constantly with cranky complaints from elderly women:

"Why doesn't your catalog offer free shipping for SENIOR CITIZENS? We're on fixed incomes, you know!!" (Yeah .... let's compare that to our own retail slave wages. Cry me a river.)

"Why do you send me a discount coupon THE DAY AFTER I buy a lot of things in your store?! That's not fair! I want a price adjustment!" (Our corporate spies were watching your buying habits and then sending you that coupon JUST TO MALICIOUSLY TAUNT YOU.)

"Why do you have PETITE sizes in your store, but not WOMEN'S [i.e., LARGE] sizes?? That's DISCRIMINATION!" (Oh, geez, go take it up with our allocation people ... because I personally have no idea why we get the size ranges we do.)

"Have I bought this from you before? Do I already have this?? Because I don't want to buy it again and then have to return it!" (Yes, your highness, we maintain a painstakingly correct file of each and every garment your highness has ever purchased from us, in case your highness has a memory lapse, so that we may correct your highness' memory, that is why we are constantly standing by to serve your highness.)

........and you wonder why I drink heavily at the end of my retail shift.

[lastofthesummerwine]

Wrapsody Wrap 'n' Rant

Yeah, I've repeated this one on this site ad nauseam: Don't open the fucking sealed packages of bed clothes. See the label that says "KING" (or "FULL" or whatever) and is affixed to the cellophane? Believe it! "Shrink wrap" is just a name! Opening the package will not bring about a miraculous shift in the size of the product. And you'll be the very gummy bummed twit who'll mention, sometime in the future, how the cost of linens seems a tad exorbitant.

After you snatch those tidy packages of sheets apart, we have to roll, spin, tuck and squeeze the product into a form that doesn't even remotely resemble its former incarnation. We also have to market it at a significantly lower price, you bit of suspended sphincter caramel.

[Piffany]

My personal favorites:

Little Johnny Wants to Pay: Those loving moms who allow their rugrats to buy the $27.99 (insert popular toy here)...all in change. Oh and lets also let him COUNT IT OUT...

Price Vultures: Those beady eyes glued to the display as you ring things up...waiting, just waiting for the kill. "The sign said that was 2.99 not 3.24!"

Bag it MY Way: They who HAVE to have things bagged in the most inane, anal retentive and wasteful way "Bag that in 6 seperate double bagged bags and then put the heaviest ones in the bottom of a bigger bag and tie the top into a double knot"

Seperate Orderitis: Those with a phobia of making just one payment and having to *gasp* figure out who-owes-what later...no this will be 5 seperate transactions....


Oh there are so many more and so many that others have posted that are so spot on...

[Lone Wolf]

"The Magic Manager" SC

I got to be very familiar with this type working in a few call centers. Basically they would call, and you would tell them something they didn't want to hear ie; their delivery is running late and it's the fault of the couriers company not ours, or that we couldn't give him/her a partial refund because even though he/she thought she was buying something at a discount price, they (unknowingly) purchased it after the offer had expired. These were instances where we really couldn't do anything about it. But yet "magic manager" types don't accept this as an answer. So then they ask (or demand) to speak to a manager, not realizing it won't make a difference; that the manager wouldn't be any more able to help them than I would(hence the nickname).

In fact this was one of the most frustrating things about the CCs I worked at. If the customer wanted to know something and we couldn't answer, we were encouraged to ask our supervisors/team leaders. And they would tell us what to tell the customer, but they would (almost) never take over the call themselves. And this was something the SCs could never seem to get through their thick skulls, no matter how clearly and politely I tried to explain it to them. One time, I just was just so fed up with the whole stituation and not being able to do anything about it, that when a MM type asked for a supervisor, I lied and said "I'm sorry but there isn't one available right now"
MM: "You mean there's no manager right now?"
Me "Not currently, I'm really sorry."
MM "Three o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon and you expect me to believe there's no manger around whatsover?"

I don't remember how I got out of this one exactly. But in fairness, I didn't blame her for being skeptical. But it was the only way I could think of to deal with the reality of the situation without getting a few more gray hairs.

[RetailActress]

Storybook Characters

I have actually encountered these in my mature-women's clothing store in the last month:

GOLLUM - An elderly female customer uncannily similar to the Tolkien character, and possessing the same NASTY, HISSY, NOT-NICE attitude.

JACK SPRAT'S WIFE - Could eat no lean. Hard time fitting her, since we don't carry plus sizes.

MOTHER GOOSE - Plump-ish, can't stop yammering on & on about the GRANDCHYLLDRRUNN.

FAIRY GODMOTHER - Accompanies, and pumps up, a low-esteem female companion.

CINDERELLA - So used to serving others, cannot appreciate/celebrate her own femininity & fashion sense.

[RetailActress]

Laundering Losers

Surprisingly, these are all mature women. You would expect that they should have had plenty of clothing-care experience in their lives of at least 50-plus years.

Yet --- over and over again ---- despite detailed laundering instructions woven into the tags of each and every garment for sale in our women's apparel store --- they pester and beseech me:

"Will this shrink?"

"Do I have to iron this?"

"Should I put this in the dryer?"

"Is this dry clean only?"

JUST READ WHAT IT SAYS , IDIOT!!!