A canonical list of SCs

[Apillar]

Here are a few that I have come across over several years of sales in the area of retail electronics...



Rip Van Winkle: This person seems to have fallen asleep in 1985 and woke up in 2007. He usually brings in some piece of EXTREMELY obsolete technology. Common examples are "brick" cell phones, vacuum tubes from old TV's, and 20 year old computers. He seems completely stunned when you tell him that the company no longer sells or services his product. Usually stuttering, Bu..But... You USE TO! His knowledge of technology seems to have ended about the time the product was made.

Example -

RVW (Rip Van Winkle) - Sir, Where are the 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disk drives for Commodore 64 computers.
ME - Sorry but we no longer carry anything for systems that old.
RVW - Really ?!? Why not?!? I know you use to !
ME - Yes, true, but we haven't since about 1990.
RVW - (Stunned Silence) Do you know anyplace that still sells drives for my C-64
ME - Your best bet is to try to find a used one on e-bay.
RVW - E-Bay... Haven't heard of it... Is it here in the mall?
ME - Uh No. It's an online auction site. You know... On the internet.
RVW - Online?? Internet??

The Wizard: Seems to think they have the ability to alter reality through shear force of will.

Example -

Wizard: I want a Model XYZ phone.
Me: Sorry, we stopped carrying the XYZ last year.
Wizard: (Concentrates) (Vein pops out on forehead) (Grits teeth) I... WANT... a... model... XYZ... phone.
Me: As I said we know longer carry the XYZ, it was discontinued last year.
Wizard: Seems surprised that his power has failed but is determined to try harder... (Concentrates with such intensity it looks like he might crap his pants) (Vein looks ready to explode) (Grinds teeth)
Me: Uhh.. Sorry we couldn't help you today... (moves on to next customer)
Wizard: (Seems rooted to spot) (Stares at you, trembling with magical power)
Wizard: (After a couple minutes finally realizes that his magic has failed when a model XYZ doesn't pop into existence and walks away, presumably to go back home to study his spell books)

"Just Looking" Parrot: As the name implies this person does not seem to know any phrase other than "Just Looking". This person squawks this phrase anytime a sales associate happens to come within 20 feet of him or even glances in his direction. Also any attempts at conversation, even something as simple as Good Morning is quickly met by flapping arms and a squawks of "Just Looking ! Just Looking ! Just looking!"

The "Special" Individual: This is usually middle aged slightly mentally challenged individual who is not employed, gets a monthly disability check, and has nothing else to do but take the bus to the mall everyday and wander through your store. He insists on applying for a credit card or cell phone contract during every visit, which is always turned down. But mostly he just follows you around the store, talking and trying to get you to demonstrate every product for him. He is also oblivious to the fact that you have duties other than entertaining him. He will continue to talk as you are attempting to help real customers and will even try to follow you to the stock room/bathroom/lunch.

Little Lolita: This is a girl usually between the ages of 12-15 that hangs out in the CD section and dresses and acts like a hooker. She seems to have recently discovered that she can get attention, free stuff and make a lot of new (male) friends by flaunting her uhh... assets. She hits on any male between 15 and 50. Also, constantly flirts with male employees and tries to get free or discounted CD's. Example, Little lolita approaches counter, bends over so cleavage shows, bats eye lashes, licks lips and says, "Like, it would make me sooooo happy if you let me have this new release CD. I proooomise I'll give you the money next week... or whatever you want...

The Lonley Old Man: This elderly man is typically a widower, doesn't have any relatives that live nearby and comes to your store because he wants someone to talk to. He often comes across as a sad, pathetic individual and you almost feel obligated to try to cheer him up. Unfortunately, he will spend HOURS
telling old war stories, talking about the "good old days" etc. And worst of all, once he realizes that you are too much of a sap to tell him to buzz off, he will start coming back every day and ask for you specifically.

The Bullhorn: This is usually a man who instead of coming to you or waiting for you to come to him will yell questions at you about a product from across the store.

Example -

Me: (at register ringing up a customer... When a booming voice comes from somewhere on the other side of the store...)
Bullhorn: DO YOU CARRY THE NEW XYZ BRAND HD TV !!!! YOU !! YOU AT THE REGISTER !!!
Me: Yes we do, they are right over there.
Bullhorn: WHAT !! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU !!
Me: I said they're right over there ! Let me to finish ringing up this customer and I will show them to you!
Bullhorn: IS THIS THE ONE !?!
Me: Yes.
Bullhorn: WHAT !!
Me: Yes !
Bullhorn: CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF THE FEATURES ON THIS MODEL !! DO YOU HAVE ANY IN STOCK !! IS IT ON SALE !! DO YOU OFFER 12 MONTHS INTEREST FREE FINANCING !!

The Victim: Every time anything doesn't go exactly like they think it should. They accuse you, your management, and the entire company of discriminating against them on the basis of their race, sex, nationality, religon, sexual orientation etc. Ummm Ok... You got me... The company sent a memo this week that said we will not except expired coupons from Hispanics, Women, Gays and Canadians. It a shame you're a Canadian or I would happily take that coupon that expired last month.

The Political Crusader: This can be either a ultra left wing liberal or an Ultra Right wing conservative. Either way they feel the need to inject their political ideology into any and every conversation. They will not except any challenges to their world view. It's best just to agree with them and get away as fast as possible no matter how you really feel about the issue.

Example -

Me: Good Morning...
Liberal Political Crusader: IT WILL ONLY BE A GOOD MORNING WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHED AND LED AWAY IN CHAINS ! NO BLOOD FOR OIL !
Me: Ahhh... Yeah right on! (walks away quickly)

Or

Me: Good Morning...
Conservative Political Crusader: AMERICA ISN'T GOING TO HAVE VERY MANY MORE GOOD MORNINGS IF THE LIBERALS IN CONGRESS PASS AMNESTY FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS! WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! THIS COUNTRY WILL BE A THIRD WORLD CESSPOOL IN A FEW YEARS!
Me: Ahhh... Yeah right on! (walks away quickly)

[obscure_reference]

SCs at the gas station (longish)

I work at one of those grocery stores that has its own gas station on-premises. They have the 'save $.10 off fuel for buying $50 in groceries' gimmick running constantly. With extra gimmicks comes extra stupidity.

Here's a couple of the SCs I have to deal with on a daily basis:

Status Symbol A$$hole
"I can afford a Hummer, Escalade, or some other ridiculously expensive SUV, but I'm going to blame you, the lowly clerk, for my gasoline bill that's high enough to feed you and your fiance for a week." If you don't want to pay that much for gas, then drive something more economical or fill up when your tank's half-empty. Just cause I work here doesn't mean I like paying over $2 a gallon, either.

Of distant relation to the above are the guys I like to call, Wee Willie Wankers. They always pull up in custom 4x4s or huge full-size dually trucks that are always sparkling, so you know they never take them off-road and don't use them as a work truck. Nothing against any 4x4 enthusiasts or anyone that just likes big ass trucks - what makes WWW's different is that they're always younger men that come up to the counter with a patented cocky/jock/wannabe-thug strut, and invaribly throw their payment into the sliding drawer, grunting at you with an expression on their face as if your polite comments "Hello, that was pump 3, right?" are somehow an affront to their manhood. I just work here. I don't know or care if you resemble John Holmes or Rasputin 'down there,' but your attitude and mode of transportation put together would suggest you don't. I just want to accept your payment for the gas you just pumped. Don't take your failings with the opposite sex out on me, I have a fiance and am no threat to you, so go get a book by Dr. Ruth or something.

To be continued, as I think of them.

[EclipseDragon986]

The Happy Babbler: Has the amazing ability to describe everything in his house that he just bought from you (and does so, repeatedly) without ever getting to the question that he obviously has. Always friendly, but be prepared to spend a half an hour on the phone before he ever gets to the point.

The Illiterate: Doesn't bother to read the PIN pad to see what its asking, but swipes his card over and over. Looks at you blankly when you explain that's not what it wants, and then swipes the card four or five more times before handing it to you to try.

Gift Card Freak: I have had this happen to me, I swear to god. Pulls out fifty or sixty gift cards to pay for a thousand dollar purchase, each one for twenty dollars or less. WTF?

[ParkingWitch]

Airport Parking SC's

"I will miss my flight": Drives up very fast, Screams "There's no place to park and my flight leaves in 5 minutes"
Well I'm sorry (In my mind "Maybe next time you could leve early enough to park and go through security and make the flight. They have only been announging for (X amount of time since 9/11) to check in 2 hours early. Oh by the way the plane taxis away from the gate 5 min. before flights at this Airport", (yes I've asked CSR's employees of most of the airlines).

"Hold the Plane" (one sighting)...
SC running across the sidewalk 200+ feet from end of Terminal Building Yelling "Hold My Plane" as a jet is being pushed back from the end of the jetway.

"What do you mean I'm over the free time?"
Learn to read your watch. 30 min. is 30 min. not an hour and a half

"I didn't read the sign."
Well the 10 foot X 10 foot (100 sq. feet) sign with 1 foot high safety yellow sign is at EVERY enterance to this lot.

"But my Credit card worked at _____."
Yes, but it is not working here,
Variation
"Well run it again "
And it will be declined again


OH Well a bad day at the parking lot Still beats a good day at the nursing home!

[unholypet]

The I-Think-I'm-Intimidating Folk: I have a large golden plated watch, and a silk tie. My hair is a fashionable tousle and my trousers are striped with white. My belts matches my shoes and cuffs, and I'll bet you'll never hear me talk to those beneath my station. Go get your manager, feeble peon! I shan't allow such an unworthy curr to hear my fattening pizza order.

[Tenshi-Hikari]

A common breed...

I got one breed of SCs...

The Loafers - Indecisive, slow, and the only people in the world as far as they are concerned. They take a cart and always, always, manage to not only walk so slow that even my grandmother (with bad knees) would walk faster with her cane(s), but they also manage to block the whole isle by walking in the middle. They pause, they ponder, they evaluate, they take a breather and won't stand aside for anyone, not even for a store employee with a trolley full of heavy goods ready to be shelved. When they do stand aside, they manage to somehow take up at least half of the space before the shelves while they browse, oft from the exact spot your produce is supposed to be.

Very common around here...

[Rubystars]

Over where I work it's more like this:

SC: I'd like cashback, please.
Me: How much?
SC: £100 please.
Me: Sorry, we only go up to £50.
SC: I got it last week!
Me: Sorry, but our tills only allow up to £50.
SC: Fine, £50 then. *sulks*

We have cashpoints outside, that is the really dumb thing about this. How hard is it to walk outside? I shall name this person the "Cashback Moron" and add them to the list.

Can't they just split their orders and do one item for £50 cash back, and another order for another £50?

[Marxfan]

I've worked as a grocery store bagger, a bookseller, and I'm currently working a (hopefully) temporary job in fast food. Here are the variety of SCs I've had to deal with through the years:

The Leech: This customer will ask you for one thing, you cheerfully give it to him/her... and then they decide to make you their personal bitch for the rest of the day. For instance, in my fast food job, someone will come up to me and ask for ketchup packets. I give them what I think is an acceptable amount, but they accuse me of cheating them (yeah, I'm cheating them out of FREE ketchup packets) and demand more. So I give them more. Then they will, out of the blue, ask for sauce for their chicken. I give it to them. Then they ask for a complimentary cup for water, and then, and then, and then....

The Weak-Minded Lemming: During my bookseller days, about 98% of my customers only read books that were either shown on Oprah or The Today Show. I swear to God, these people would never read a book on their own free will. All day long, I hear this dreaded question,

"Uh, I'm looking for this book, I don't know the title or the author, but it was on Oprah..."

What the hell is the matter with you people?! If Oprah or Matt Lauer told you to kill your neighbors, would you do it?? I highly recommend the book 1984 by George Orwell. No, Oprah's never had on her show, but for all that's good and holy, read it anyway!!

The Sally: Named after Meg Ryan's anal retentive character from When Harry Met Sally..., minus the lovable side. These thoughtless bean-counters will gladly hold up lines just to make sure their demands are met, whether it's how their groceries are bagged (paper in plastic, all the perishables in one, all things starting with "M" in a separate bag..."). Or they will run a long list of how they want their meals arranged (onions on the side, no ice in my drink, meat, bun, and sauce fresh, such and such toy for kid's meal). Needless to say, "thank you" isn't part of their vocabulary.

The Discount-Beggers: These are perfectly well-off people who think nothing of asking for random discounts. I kid you not. I once had this one girl ask for some books, and then asked in all seriousness if we "gave discounts". Why, of course, darling, I'll risk my job and this store's financial future and give you 99% discount, 'cause you seem like such a darn nice person who just happens to be cheap!!
You can't afford our books? Cry me a fucking river! Go to a library, morons!

The Panic-Mongerers: These people love, love, LOVE to expect the worst from the lowly retail peons. If one thing on their order is rung up incorrectly, instead of politely pointing it out, they will rant and scream to the MOD about how "they overcharged me! This shouldn't be on here!"
They never assume that it was an honest mistake, they live in this paranoid fantasy where everyone is trying to cheat them. Sounds funny, but I've seen co-workers reduced to tears over this.

The Creepy Guy Looking for a Date: This always happens to me (grumble). I have this magnet in my brain that attracts unstable creeps who want to ask me out, despite the engagement ring on my finger (thank you, and my fiancee is awesome). I once had a minute long conversation with a customer (hey, I'm friendly) and weeks later he called me ,at work ,to ask me out!! I didn't even remember this guy! I could only sputter out that I was engaged and that I couldn't go. Never heard from him again, but I also had this one guy lurking outside my mall bookstore watching me! I had to have mall security walk me to my car! How do these people find me??

The Stereotypical Suburban Mom: They wear their official uniforms of velour tracksuits, white baseball caps, and ponytails. They have a cellphone and car keys in one hand, and a Starbucks cup of coffee in the other. And they think nothing of letting their poorly behaved children run around the store and making God-awful messes. Grrr.

[PizzaBoy]

The Lottery Guy: In response to "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" at the end of each call, heasks the most over-used "joke" in our call center: "How bout those winning lottery numbers?" One variation on this is "How bout a hundred/thousand/million dollars in a box?" Because if I had either, I would obviously still be working here.

Exactly! I had a customer like that. He was usually a pain in the @$$ to get the order, then when I finished, I say, "Anything else today?" and he says "the winning lottery tickets" EVERY F**KING TIME!! That joke wasn't funny the first time he said it, and it sure isn't funny the 6,000,000th time he said it.

Phone Tricksters: Obviously, you only deal with these people if you have a job in which people make orders over the phone. I've gotten a lot of these people at Domino's. First, they call to make an order. I get their address and discover that they are out of the delivery area. I inform them of that and try to find the correct place. If I can't do that, I tell them where to call to find out. After hearing this, the customer will call right back and make the order for the EXACT SAME ADDRESS after I had already told them that we do not deliver there. The reason they do that is in hopes that someone else will answer the phone and agree to deliver there. If they succeed in tricking someone, we just end up calling them back to tell them that we don't deliver there, so they lose either way. What sucks about that is that it is a way for CSRs to get into trouble.

PITA Customers: In case you don't know, that stands for pain in the ass. These people will make an order, which usually takes a long time since they are indecisive. What sucks is these people usually show up when we are extremely busy and don't have time for BS. After the order is placed, they change their minds. Next, they will look at some other deal and discuss it with their friends (they usually arrive in groups). They do this very loudly, so it's difficult for the employee to do his/her job. Later on, they end up changing the order again because they feel that they can get a better price. Of course, the pizza is already in the oven, but their responses are "I don't mind." Yeah, well we do. WTF are we supposed to do with the extra pizza?

You screwed up last time customers: These people come in, and inform us about how we screwed up their order last time (usually, it was a good long while ago), but are willing to give us another chance. A lot of times, they got the wrong food because their order was unclear. Some of them ask for discounts and some don't. When the food arrives, they open the boxes and check everything they received for mistakes. All the CSRs can do at this point is pray to the God that they are happy.

I have all day customer: These people are extremely slow, indecisive, and their phones are at a very low volume so it's very difficult to hear them. First, they want to know all of the specials. Bonus points if they tell you to slow down because they couldn't understand you. Next, they tell of the specials to their friends. After hearing the specials, the proper thing to do would be to call back when you've decided, but not these people. After wasting your time making you say all of the specials, they don't even use one After finally making the order, you give them the price, then they sound outraged and say "but I have a coupon! How can it be that high?" Apparently, we all have the abilities to see these things over the phone. After that's finally taken care of, you think you are home free, but they have to pay with credit. This would be alright if they didn't give us the number like we are retarded. These orders take around 4-5 minutes when most orders are supposed to be under one.

[The Focus of Local Evil]

The Million Dollar Grandma: The older person who has bought the latest and greatest whizz-bang gadgetry... but have no clue how to use it... but does know how to find someone who does. Sometimes, these people are a pleasure to talk to... other times, you feel than age restrictions ("You must not be able to remember a time before electric lights, automobile or English occupation of American soil in order to purchase these devices") would not be out of place...

[rerant]

A common one for me...

The Piercing Pervert: He's typically somewhere in the range of 50-112, and whenever he notices your facial piercings, will ask you derrogatory questions like, "How do you kiss your boyfriend with that thing?" or, "Does your boyfriend like that?" or, "How does that feel "

[MinimaMagistra]

Hotel style.


Jedi Mind Trick: "You don't need my identification." Or their phone number, or their credit card information. Cross-referenced under previously mentioned "Conspiracy Theorists"

Somebody messed up and it's YOUR FAULT.: You get this when a third party has given the guest faulty information. Yes, they got the runaround. Yes, this is either not your hotel or you spent an inordinate amount of time finding us. Why are you yelling at me and why am I lumped in with "YOU PEOPLE"?

Ofcoursethere'snotahookerinmycar!: They ask for and paid (less) for a room for one person. And they need to "check" with somebody and request two keys, possibly two beds.

Midnight Scammer: They've been in the room for hours, but only NOW call to complain about something, i.e. smoking when they asked for non, single when they asked for a double, part of the WALL is missing, the room is full of "animals", et cetera. Managers are made to be awakened in the wee hours.

I'm too old and crotchety to make these new fangled card keys work: And they'll come back five or six times to proove it to me. The keys have arrows and picture directions on the back. Don't make me cry...

I am TOO a guest!: Usually either homeless or VERY sketchy locals who try to convince me that they're a guest and I should let them get breakfast. Will to to load up a tray with food while I'm arguing. Sometimes have a friend on the inside so they have a room number and a name, sometimes claim to be from a room we don't even have.

You unlocked the door for me therefore the lobby is mine: Will adjust my music, expect the full breakfast to be laid out at fifteen 'til six (when we open at seven) and sit at a table, watching me, when I won't jump to get out what they demand.

[Dips]

brag about how much money they have as they leave. And, much to my surprise, look! There's no tip!

That reminds me of this customer:

The Big-Money-Haver:

Big-Money-Havers spend a lot of time and effort letting people know how rich they are and how much money they have. They do this because they are under the impression that the mere having of money will get them better service than other customer who don't have as much money. The Big-Money-Haver doesn't understand that he needs to transform himself into a Big-Money-Spender before he can expect better service. Big-Money-Spenders also tend to be nicer then Big-Money-Havers, which also helps them get better service.

[raven_illusion]

Somedays I hate College Students...

Please Do My Homework for Me: Calls in around Mid-terms and finals seeking tutorials on how to do something. Come to find out that they want you to complete their project for them. "Yea, I need to edit this video and cut it down to 3.5 minutes or I fail my class."

But Classes start tomorrow: Calls in the day before classes start with a PC that has been down all summer, when you give them the date for the part replacement they whine endlessly over the fact that they need the computer working for the start of classes the next day.

What save button?: Another SC that calls in around mid-terms or finals. Has spent the past 4 hours typing up there report and never bothered to hit save. Now the system locks up and they are S.O.L. (Auto-recovery is never on) Bonus Points to those who ask for a supervisor and complain about the lousy service you provided.

[DesignFox]

One that's been bugging me...

I thought of this the other day...

The Mommy Mall Rat: Much like teenagers, these moms hang around the mall all day, the same day, every week. They often have multiple young. Usually one in a stroller, the other around 2 or 3 years of age. They always come in pairs. They hang around, let their kids play with everything and anything, talk and block the aisles with their aircraft carrier strollers. Of course, their hellspawn wreck the store, but the mommy mall rat can't be bothered with the trivial task of picking up after them. These specimens never spend a penny in your store, yet will insist upon what great customers they have always been. After hanging around for some absorbitant length of time, they will finally leave and terrorize another vendor.