A canonical list of SCs

[Imogene]

The PhD Holder -

Me: "I'm sorry, but I cannot waive your late charge, since we've already waived fifteen others in the past couple of years."
SC: "Sir, I'm a doctor, I have a PhD from <insert name of Ivy League School here>, and I have pristine credit, and cannot have this on there. You will remove it."
Me (inside): PhD my ass. You would then know to get your payment in time.

I usually tell them again that I cannot do it and will gladly transfer them to a supervisor to take it up with them.

So you have a PhD, big freakin deal!

*to quote Shania Twain*
"Okay, so you're a rocket scientist. That don't impress me much.
So ya, got the brains, but have ya, got the touch?"

[tshawne]

The Stand-Up Comedian: The customer who busts out with a product/sale/store/industry-related wisecrack that you hear at least once an hour. They are usually mildly offended when you don't laugh hysterically. Example: "Would you like to pay those late fees today?" "Well, I wouldn't like to!" They think they are very witty and original. It is vital that you leave this delusion intact, lest the firm, icy grip of reality crush their fragile spirit.

The Scanner Police: A subcategory of "The Stand-Up Comedian," the Scanner Police like to jokingly suggest that an item that you are unable to scan (or an item that scans improperly) must be free of charge. How very droll."

If I have to hear " It won't scan, it must be free, ha, ha, ha" or when cleaning my till "You missed a spot, ha, ha, ha" one more time, I swear I will throw said item at the customers head!

[Dino]

The Tragic Result of a Poorly Aimed H**djob

That customer who is so phenomenally dense, you have to wonder about the circumstances of their conception.

They don't understand that when you are busy as hell, you can't drop everything to to cater to them. Sorry, dear heart, this is a retail store, and I work at the service desk. That doesn't mean I'm going to blow off a line of customers waiting to pick up special orders just so I can price check your 20 page list of items. When I page someone from the department(s) your list comes from to help you, don't pout, bitch, or whine. How's about taking your lazy ass to the products and reading the nifty little signs that clearly state the prices, OK? I'm busy. With people who have already paid for their products! Bless yer stupid little heart.

The Dolt

No, I can't do a refund for a custom-made special order item that you not only signed for, but our paperwork (and yours) shows clearly that the "wrong" item you got was what you bought, and again, signed for. You're stupid. Deal with it.

The Renter

Bummer, I can't give you a refund for the product you bought, used once, and return for a refund. There is nothing wrong with the product. It works as advertised, groovy isn't it? I will continue to refuse to refund you unless I'm overridden by management. And for that to happen, you must be really convincing. We have a tool rental department for a reason, scumbag, and it isn't to rip you off.

[MystyGlyttyr]

I'm no expert but I would think most, if not all, police forces require that officers be 21. I'm not saying this to suggest their status means you shouldn't card them, but if you find they're underage, will you report them for impersonating a police officer?

I do know of one officer around here who joined the force when he was 19. They did make this big thing about him being the youngest police officer ever...and I remember he had to have a partner until he was 21 because he wasn't old enough to buy ammo for his own gun But he did have a badge and everything.

[repsac]

this is an actual set of terms used by one of the stores I worked in. Be warned, some of these could be considered offensive.


SH- SHoplifter

FF- Frequent Flyer: Shoplifter caught several times in the store. Not banned.

E- Exile: Someone banned from the store.

RE- Religious Exile: Banned from the store for religious reasons. Jehova's witnesses who won't leave customers alone being the most common reason.

J- Jumpy: Related to SH, but rarely steals anything. Always over reacts when approached.

SHiT- SHoplifter in Training. usually in the company of two or more SH.

Lil SHiT- Children of SH.

WB- Whiney Bitch: Woman trouble customer.

TSC- Trans Sexual Customer. That weird guy who insists on shopping ONLY in the ladies dept. Often seen wearing a skirt and makeup.

JB- Jail Bait. Young customers who insist on dressing older/flirting with older work staff.

[Rapscallion]

I've just updated the front page under the 'fun section' with 'lists of doom' - this one is now in there. I'm going to sticky this thread and when enough extras are added, I'll update that.

Rapscallion

[trunks2k]

TSC- Trans Sexual Customer. That weird guy who insists on shopping ONLY in the ladies dept. Often seen wearing a skirt and makeup.

<nitpick> That would be transvestite. Transexual is when they are undergoing an actual sex change. Transexuals try very hard to look like the sex they are transitioning to, so they aren't as obvious as one would expect. </nitpick>

[aqutalion]

Mr. Craftsman- When selling stuff you made, you'll inevitably run into someone who thinks that since they could make that item themselves, you should lower the price. Sure, cheapass, you could make it yourself- if you bought $50 worth of tools and spent enough time and possibly more money to learn how to use them and perfect your technique. Or you could just buy the thing right now for $20.

Mr. Wannabe- Somewhat related to Mr. Craftsman, Mr. Wannabe knows he could make that item himself, if you'd just show him how. Come on, you can just tell me how to make it, right? It won't take long. What? Buy a book? Take a class? But that's expeeeeeeensive! Can't you *just tell me*?

[Jester]

<nitpick> That would be transvestite. Transexual is when they are undergoing an actual sex change. Transexuals try very hard to look like the sex they are transitioning to, so they aren't as obvious as one would expect. </nitpick>

Yes and no. Try they do, but sometimes not so successfully. I have seen post-operational transsexuals who were obvious, and transvestites not interested in sex changes who weren't. Just saying.

Mr. Wannabe- Somewhat related to Mr. Craftsman, Mr. Wannabe knows he could make that item himself, if you'd just show him how. Come on, you can just tell me how to make it, right? It won't take long. What? Buy a book? Take a class? But that's expeeeeeeensive! Can't you *just tell me*?

From the magician's standpoint, this same attitude manifests itself similarly: "You have to tell me how you did that. Seriously. No, I won't tell anyone. Hell, this is my only time in town, and when I leave, I won't see anyone who knows you. I am going 2000 miles away from here. Surely you can tell me how you did that. I won't tell anyone. Why won't you tell me how you did that?" Etc., etc., ad nauseum.

[appliance god]

The Wall This customer will walk around the store and refuse to even be talked to by a salesperson. Even a Cheery "Good Morning!" will be greeted with a raised hand and a short retort such as "NO!". (True Story!) They have thier own little wall around them and woe betide the salesperson who attempts to break it.

The Lord and Master This customer will get a salesperson, who is now the customers personal slave, to do his bidding no matter how mundane.

Funnily enough, The Wall can become a Lord and Master in a stunningly quick time.

[Luna]

The Unprepared - this customer won't have anything they need to shop in your store. They are always there, but still haven't gotten it down pat. Coupons? They forgot em. Frequent shopper card? Don't have it. Checkbook? In the car. ID? - nope. But it's all your fault..every single time they come in.

Damaged Discount Seekers - these customers want discounts on what they call damaged. Some I've even caught damaging the goods in order to try to get a discount. They would always get angry when I tell them I don't discount damages - as I can send them back to the warehouse/publishers and get FULL price for them (AND as I have another couple hundred of said item that is not damaged to sell). Inevitably, the "but it's a gift" retort will come out of their mouths...to which I would say endless variations of: "So you're giving a gift that's DAMAGED, but it's okay as long as it's cheap and damaged?"

Are You Sure??!! - these customers don't want to hear what you're saying unless it's what they WANT to hear. They'll keep asking if you're sure until you finally give up your evil ways and say, "Ah! Ya got me! I was kidding, I really DO sell this product that I've never seen in this store for the past 5 years of working here. I'm glad you kept asking me if I was sure!"

I was next! - these customers suddenly revert to a mass of unruly pre-k school aged children. They usually come out on the weekends, when they KNOW it will be busy at the mall, but are still pissed about it. They are tripping to start a fist fight with anyone on line with them.

that's all I can think of for now that hasn't already been said.

[skeptic53]

Picky, picky, picky...

Since this is now a sticky thread, I thought I'd be a spelling nazi and mention that it should be "canonical", not "cannonical". Unless you mean something to do with large military guns...

[Becks]

The grazers-- In the produce department, you'll often find them sampling the grapes, by poking holes in the plastic wrap and grabbing a couple. I wonder if they care that the grapes haven't been washed, and the red ones can be quite dirty...
Grazers (a)--Hot foods and salad bar division. They'll help themselves (since it's self-serve) by filling up our handy food containers, then wander around the store snacking on said items. If there's any food left in the containers by the time they make it to the registers, MAYBE, just maybe, they'll pay for what's left. Often, they'll just ditch it in some aisle, behind other items.

[DigitalEngine]

The Cat Lady: All stores have one of these. This woman will come in covered in cat hair and will talk about nothing but her cats. If said shop is a food shop, she will spend a fortune on food for her cat and a paltry amount on her own food.

LoL this reminds me of one of my professors when I was still in law school. Except he was a Dog Man. He comes to lectures in the morning covered in dog hair and spends like 80% of class time talking about his dogs and all the new tricks they've learned to do. I'm surprised he's never shown pictures of them. Oh wait .. I think I missed that class I've got some too add to the list:

The Family Outing Shopper
A family that shops in huge groups and are annoying in clothing stores, since they tend to hog fitting rooms. Basically some members of the group will go into the fitting rooms and would not budge out of there while mom/dad/aunt/uncle/son/daughter whatever would be out in the store area picking out the stuff that they're going to try on, taking their sweet time because they know that they don't have to wait in line since mom/dad/aunt/uncle/son/daughter has already saved them a spot in the fitting rooms, while the line of people waiting outside the fitting rooms grows longer and longer and longer.

The Underaged Grabber
This happens to me alot for some reason. The Underaged Grabber are not really customers, they're little children roaming wild, unattended around a store, grabbing parts of people's body. Usually the behind. I even had a kid bit me on my a** before. Unfortunately the little brat ran away before I had a chance to grab it and shake the living out of it.

The Kicker
This is the SC who sits behind you at the movies, proceeding to kick the back of your seat all throughout the entire movie. Sometimes they even put their feet up on top of your seat, like right behind your head

The Concrete Face Women
This is a name I made up with my friends. For some reason, we have alot of them in my city.
This breed is basically women with make up that's like, probably, 2 inches thick. So thick that I think if you throw a pebble at them their face would crack or something. CF Woman is usually flanked by her kids. CF Woman usually looks at other, younger women like dirt and give younger guys the *ahem* bedroom look. CF Woman usually expects to be treated special for no reason at all, that they should not suffer long waits at long lines and other people should let them go ahead of them in lines. One of the classics I've had from a CS Woman was when I wouldn't let her go ahead me in line. She said, "I'm older than you! You should respect your elder!

The Money Thrower
These are the SCs who would throw their money at you when they pay for something. Yes, we have this kind all over the world, folks!

The I-Am-Royalty
SCs who would walk in the door with their nose high in the air, gets a hissy fit if the store's employers does not bow and greet them IMMEDIATELY, waits on them and only them, then proceeds to browse through the store sighing and complaining about how the merchandise here are so "terrible" and "low quality" compared to [insert-name-of-other-store-here]. If they decide to buy something anyway, they never, ever forget to ask if they can get a discount, even if whatever it is they buy is already on discount/insanely cheap.
Unfortunately, my mom fits into this category *sigh*

The Movie Theatre Brats
SC Teens who would watch movie in groups, yell/scream/laugh/be generally loud throughout the entire movie, throw popcorns at other people. This SC type is also usually a Kicker (read above).

The Seat Hogger
They normally inhabit a type of public transportation in this country. The transportation is basically a minibus type with two long benches facing each other on either side of the minibus. One of the benches can fit up to seven people, the other one that is parallel to the door can fit five people.
The Seat Hogger would occupy the middle of the bench, glaring at you if *gasp! howdareyou!* ask them if they could scoot over. In some incidents, I even had them hiss at me.
Sometimes they would occupy the spot right next to the door, even if the minibus is almost empty, facing to the front of the minibus so that their feet would be exactly in front of the doorway, tripping people who are trying to get off the minibus and act like they're doing nothing wrong.

[BusBus]

The one item at a time person - The person who insists on naming everything that they are removing from their purse/wallet when completing a transaction, e.g. Here is my driver's license, here is my shopper card, here is my visa, here is my airmiles card etc etc etc

The emergency person - the person who comes running in with an "emergency" at the last minute. When asked why they didn't take care of this sooner, they were too lazy/busy/tired to do it.

The I had Cat Poo for breakfast person - there is no other reason that you explain the rancid breath that these folks have

The Leaners - the person who leans into your working/personal space while you trying to take care of them. Often times, they have had cat poo for breakfast.

The fragrance bathers -the folks who bathe and marinate themselves in their fragrance of choice, forcing you to hold your breath and pray that you still have some Advil in your bag.

The Unprofessional Professionals - the lawyers, doctors, accountants who treat you like crap because they are "better than you". (I have dealt with some fantastic professionals in my work life, and I have dealt with some on the other end of that spectrum, so I'm certainly not saying that all professionals are assclowns).

The Doctor : "That's Doctor Assclown, not Mister Assclown". Wow. I don't care.

The White racists : Just because I'm white, doesn't mean that I agree with your racist comments/views.

The You-are-a-racist person-Just because I'm white, doesn't mean that I am a racist, so drop the bloody 'race card' that you pulled out of thin air.

*phew* That was therapeutic.

-BusBus