What you say; what they hear

[MystyGlyttyr]

I say: "Our deadline for that is 5 p.m. on Monday."
They hear: "But of course I can take this at 12:58 p.m. on Thursday."

I say: "We're not allowed to take those over the phone."
They hear: "Start reciting your information as fast as possible, perhaps you will convince me that your church social is front page news that way."

I say: "I don't work in that department."
They hear: "Hi, welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"

They say: *something retarded*
I say: "......"
They hear: "Of course I'm not thinking of all the horrible things I could do to you with a staple puller. Please continue."

I say: "Let me transfer you down to that department."
They hear: The ocean. Hey, neat!

[Demonoid Phenomenon]

What you say:
"Hi, how are you?"

What they hear:
"Hello! Please tell me your life story begininng with your most disgusting health issues!""

[VoodooSquirrel]

VS Says: Since we use Canadapost, and it is 7pm on a Friday, it probably won't arrive till Wednesday or so
SC Hears: It'll be there first thing in the morning

VS Says: Your account is suspended because you haven't paid for it in months
SC Hears: I'm personally singling you out, everyone else gets free service, and our company derives its revenue solely from you



- As a side bar -
I like the term "Natures Pocket" instead of arse, or butt, or anything like that

[CRXPanda]

the salvage yard is made up like a parking lot, different cars all over... we had to create some organization, we tried naming them A, B, C... sections but that was not working, so I made them into colored sections.

each car is spraypainted on it's rear, both sides, big and huge, in it's location colour, and row number... ie ORANGE section Row 5 is an orange colored 5 on both sides... (the stock numbers are written in bright neon green paintstick all over the glass and body)

anyway,

sales: the car number is 060998, it is in the orange section row 5, all vehicles in its row have a large spraypainted orange colored number 5 on it, here's a yard pass with the same info on it, if you forget

(me out inventorying cars, waaaay away from them, listening to headphones that are black and silver on light skin...they just walk up and talk, i'm not looking at them, i have big black and silver headphones on...aw, forget it, i pull them to the side to hear what they really dont have to say...)

them: uh, hey i need to look at a 93 chevy corsica, you know where dat is??

me: where's your yard pass?

them: huh?

me: go back up to the office and get your yard pass

them: nah, i just go look around

me: (actually head-carhood, but there's no icon for that)

I get on my cell, call sales, get info, walks dork to spot, points to orange 5 on side of vehicles, takes him to the one they told me they sent him to

he pulls out the yard pass: "oh dat what dat mean'ed"

me:

[Imogene]

Derka derka derka SALE derka derka derka.

Muhammed jihad? Durkah durkah durkah... Allah Ackbar!
/it's a trap!

[Daskinor]

We Say:"That item is located somewhere else"
They Hear: "Wait here while I go get it"

We Say: "You need a receipt"
They Hear: "You don't need a receipt, I just being mean"

We Say: "Ma'am please tell your children not to use their wheeles in the store"
They Hear: "Your a bad mother, and I love telling people that"

We Say: "Sir please don't let your children play with that"
They Hear: "Sir your children are not perfect and I am shattering that image of them you have in your head"

We Say: "Sorry no food or drink in this section"
They hear: "Just sit it down anywhere and let others trip over it"

We Say: "No"
They Hear: "Complain, threaten, torment more and you might just get your way"

We Say: "The item will be delivered on Tuesday"
They Hear: "The item can be picked up now"

We Say: "No one under 18 can touch the firearms"
They Hear: "Anyone can touch them as long as someone over 18 gives it to them"

We Say: "That item is catalog only"
They Hear: "That item is here, you just don't know where it is"

They Read: "Do not Enter"
They See: "You are the exception"

We Say: "Sorry I am not interested"
They Hear: "OMG you make me so hot an bothered"

[BookstoreEscapee]

I say: The warehouse is sold out because the book was on Oprah, and we are waiting for more from the publisher. We hope to have more by the end of the week, but we can't make any guarantees. I can reserve a copy and we will call you as soon as it comes in.
They hear: So I should call back and check tomorrow?

I say: The publisher did not print enough copies to meet the demand, everyone is sold out, and we don't know when we will get more. I can reserve a copy and we will call you as soon as it comes in.
They hear: The company is censoring this book because they don't like the political slant it takes. Please yell, rant and rave at the lowly bookseller.

I say: The phone is in the far right corner, just down the hall.
They hear: I am sending you down a dark, seedy alleyway where you will get mugged for the quarters you are planning to use for your phone call.

I say: I'm sorry, you'll have to go to customer service and they can help you there.
They hear: Look all around like a newborn baby who can't focus their eyes on the giant, lighted "Customer Service" sign in the center of the store. Then huff off in the wrong direction.

I say: ".........." (because I am counting money and straightening out my last transaction or some other necessary business, and not looking at them)
They hear: Next Please!

[BookstoreEscapee]

We Say: "Sorry I am not interested"
They Hear: "OMG you make me so hot an bothered"

Well, "bothered" is accurate, anyway

[Lace Neil Singer]

You say: (nothing cuz you are counting out a pickup)
They hear: Please shout "Excuse me!" and "Hurry up!" at random moments so I can lose count and have to start over.

[Horsetuna]

Me: Sorry, your signatures dont match. can I see your ID?
They hear: Your grandmother wore combat boots!

[Kara]

We Say: "Sorry I am not interested"
They Hear: "OMG you make me so hot an bothered"

We're still talking about customers, right?

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Me: How are you today?
Them: Yes, I'll go out with you. Maybe even jump into your bed on the first date - I'm that easy.

Me: I'm sorry, but we're sold out of X item until our next truck, which will come on (insert day here.)
Them: Yes, you have more - just pull one out of your ass - I'm that special and will not be told "no" by some mere employee

Me: I can't accept this check - it's from out of state and our policy states no out of state checks
Them: You're just giving me a hard time for (insert lame reason here.)

Me: X item isn't available on WIC, Sir/Ma'am. I'm afraid you'll have to get something else
Them: I'm entitled to my Froot Loops and Apple Jacks and I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay for them, so I'll just throw a fit to get the cashier to override the computer

Me: I'm sorry, but I can't accept this WIC if the person who signed it isn't present upon checkout
Them: You're just giving me a hard time b/c I'm (insert ethnicity/religion/gender/random reason here)

Me: I'm sorry, but this register is closed. Register Y is open and can take you
Them: You're just being lazy and discriminatory, and I don't feel like walking three feet to the next register where the light is actually on.

Me: I'm sorry, but it's Y item on sale for X amount and you have Z item.
Them: Bwah bwah . . . bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah

Me: I'm sorry, but this isn't valid ID for alcohol purchase.
Them: You're being a mean bitch . . . I'll just throw a fit and show you how big and bad I am, even though I'm still in high school and over a foot taller than you are

Me: The supervisor will be with you in a moment
Them: *cue Kyle's Mom from South Park* Wha-wha-wha-wha-WHAT?? This isn't acceptable and my brain cannot process this information and is about to explode

[ArenaBoy]

Me: I'm sorry but that barricade cannot be moved, company policy.
SC hears: That barricade can be moved because it's been done before and you're being an ass to me.

Me: You can't get to the freeway through that direction, you have to go to the building and make a right.
SC hears: You can go that way but because I don't like you I'm sending you in hopes that you get lost and end up in the worst part of town.

[auntiem]

Me: What is your name as it appears on your passport?
Them: You do not have to actually locate and look at your passport a good guess will do, then 4 months from now and two days before your trip you can call me with your correct name and I will sort it out for you and re-issue the ticket at no charge.
Also known as the "oh, you mean my real name?" incident.

Me: You will need a visa for that country. Here is the phone number for a visa service if you want help xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please allow plenty of time for processing.
Them: I'm lying and you can just show up at customs in any airport in the world with just a tattered driver's licence and your Blockbuster card - you are a US citizen after all.

Me: Where/when would you like to go?
Them: I am too lazy to figure out from just your name and the fact that you "want to go somewhere warm - for cheap" to select the perfect vacation for you within your unstated budget.

Me: There is a $20US departure tax at the airport on your return.
Them: Unless of course, you spend all your cash on drinks the night before - then they will of course let you board the plane without paying it.
Or
Them: I'm lying (again). That guy collecting the "departure tax" is my buddy and this is all a scam - I get a kickback.

[Ackee]

awww

JESTER SAYS: "May I see your ID please?"
THEY HEAR: "I feel like fucking with random people, and frankly, I don't want to serve you alcohol without you jumping through hoops for me."

JESTER SAYS: "I'm sorry, but that is the law of the State of Florida."
THEY HEAR: "I am a meanie and won't serve you alcohol, even though you and I both know you aren't 21."

JESTER SAYS: "I'm sorry, we are currently out of that item."
THEY HEAR: "We don't have a thing here that you want because we suck."

I feel your pain, especially wih these ones...