"Break the law or I will tell on you!"

[barainga]

SC: YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS!!

You have gained 100 achievement points. Your reward is to be able to laugh at these tools until you pass out from lack of oxygen.

[Jester]

Too funny. Clearly the idiot drunks are not just coming to my bar.

SC: YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS!!

No, lady, YOU ruined by Christmas by planning so late, and planning so poorly. You planned late by trying to book a Christmas dinner December 1st, which could be excused if this is your first time, but you planned poorly by banking on doing the dinner at a pub whose hours for that day you did not know, which is clearly inexcusable. And to add insult to injury, you blamed the BAR for YOUR poor planning.

There's an American phrase for people like you: "fucking idiot." Yeah, we're crude on this side of "the pond." What's your fucking point?

SC: How come those guys got hats and crackers? I want hats and crackers!

And I want a date with Kirsten Dunst, but that's not happening either.

You should treat your customers equally!

This is a pub. It is NOT Soviet Russia, nitwit.

My children are upset because they don’t get to pull a cracker or wear a hat!!!

Maybe you should, oh, I dunno, buy your own children some hats and crackers so they aren't so upset, rather than demanding that someone else do YOUR job as a fucking parent.

Just a thought.

Do you know what, forget it! I can clearly see you prefer those drunks over my family!

Can't possibly imagine why that might be....

There are people sat where I want to sit!!

And Megan Fox is fucking Brian Austin Green instead of me. Shit happens. Welcome to life, asshole. Now go sit the fuck down and stop whining like a petulant six year old.

We’ll go somewhere else! I mean it!

Please?

SC: Pint of lager.
Me: I’m sorry, but we have closed for the night.
SC: Don’t care. Pint of lager.

Bonus point to him for being the single most honest SC of all time. At least he admits he doesn't care about the staff, the rules, and the law.

Major demerits to him, though, for being such a moronic douchebag.

Don’t you talk to me like that. I want a drink.

And I want to bang Lucy Liu. Looks like we're both gonna be disappointed.

Bartenders are the gatekeepers to Grog-Boozith, From Whom All Nectar Flows. Be nice to them.

Or to quote my Finlandia Vodka shirt (and my former longtime signature), "Bartenders are Gods. Do Not Anger the Gods."

Just FYI, by "crackers" he means noise makers. Not cracker as in the food.

I knew that, but had I not been engaged to a Brit 10 years ago, I would have been very, very confused.

Your pub should have a pool. Every day everyone puts in a pound and whoever gets told they've ruined christmas wins the pot. I'm just picturing the customers face.
Customer: you've ruined Christmas!
You: yes yes yes I won!!!!!
Customer:??????

I so would do this at my bar (using dollars instead of pounds, of course), but in my six years there, I have never been told that I've ruined Christmas, nor to my knowledge have any of my coworkers.

Hell, my quarter century in the work force, most of it in the food service industry, I have never been told I've ruined Christmas.

I suddenly feel so left out....

[KatherineB]

I suddenly feel so left out....

*notes down in your annual report* Jester must try harder...

[eltf177]

Egads, CRML, you do get some special cases, don't you?

CRML and Vacation Rentals Suck both seem to get the truly 'special' ones, don't they?

My apologies to you both for having to deal with what seems to be humanity's worst. Why can't people like this annoy each other and leave the rest of us alone?

[Ree]

M: Sorry. He whined at me for nearly 30 minutes the other night.

Boggles my mind.
Your manager *let* him whine for 30 minutes???
Why didn't he escort him out the door and lock it behind him?

He set a precedent by not locking the door as soon as the pub closed and allowing the guy to come in.
Of course he is going to think he can do it all the time.

You definitely do have some interesting tales.
Your customers are like characters in a really bad sitcom.
Makes me wonder what's in the water in your area.

[sirwired]

"Dear, the last time you ate Caroline's food you had diarrhea for a week..."

I bet no one gets this one.

That's one my wife and I's favorite "Christmas" movies... freakin' hilarious.

[Mr Hero]

Sounds like Jester could use some cheering up. Let's start a collection going so we can fly Kirstin Dunst, Megan Fox, and Lucy Lui over to Jester's house for a Christmas foursome.

[Tama]

I bet it's hard to watch that movie though, if you have kids around. The swearing ratio is alarmingly high.

[taxguykarl]

Sounds like Jester could use some cheering up. Let's start a collection going so we can fly Kirstin Dunst, Megan Fox, and Lucy Lui over to Jester's house for a Christmas foursome.

Or arrange for him to ruin a Christmas. I feel his pain: My tax chain no longer offers holiday loans, so we can't ruin Christmas anymore....Valentine's, St. Pat's, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries are still open

[Ironclad Alibi]

I so would do this at my bar (using dollars instead of pounds, of course), but in my six years there, I have never been told that I've ruined Christmas, nor to my knowledge have any of my coworkers.

If I found myself in Key West on Christmas Day, there is no way I would ever consider my Christmas to have been ruined.

[downforit2008]

YOU ruined Christmas? No, SHE did, considering she wants to get her Christmas meal at a BAR instead of a Denny's or an IHOP or something. I mean, yeah, I've had meals in bars before myself and they're pretty good, but seriously, how low can she sink if she's never even CONSIDERED buying stuff to plan a great Christmas feast herself???

There are a thousand options to having a holiday dinner elsewhere besides a bar, and she overlooked ALL of them???

[AmbrosiaWriter]

There are a thousand options to having a holiday dinner elsewhere besides a bar, and she overlooked ALL of them???

If she was in the USA I would've told her to go check out the local Chinese food place. Christmas is one of their best days next to New Year's Eve.

[Mr. Anubite]

Her husband snapped.

H: For God’s sake! We’re sitting over there! Why do you always do this???
SC: But-but-

Didn’t hear a peep out of her again.

What a happy couple.

[AccountingDrone]

If I found myself in Key West on Christmas Day, there is no way I would ever consider my Christmas to have been ruined.

It would be ruined because I would realize that I had to go home after the holiday

[Jester]

Sounds like Jester could use some cheering up. Let's start a collection going so we can fly Kirstin Dunst, Megan Fox, and Lucy Lui over to Jester's house for a Christmas foursome.

Excellent idea!

However, as they are all busy actresses, and some of them may or may not be married, there is a chance that one or more of them will bow out of this delightful holiday festivity. A small chance, true, but a chance nonetheless. So, in case this unlikely eventuality occurs, I've taken the liberty of preparing a small list of others who you might consider including in this cheerful event. In no particular order:

Anna Paquin
Keira Knightley
Drew Barrymore
Cameron Diaz
Rene Zelwegger
Renee O'Connor
Alyson Hannigan
Helen Hunt
Mila Kunis
Sarah Silverman
Alyssa Milano
Holly Marie Combs
Amanda Seyfried
Deborah Ann Woll
Milla Jovovich
Rachel Weisz
Natalie Portman
Padma Lakshmi
Stephanie Izard
Jennifer Connelly
Mia Sara
Christina Ricci
Cote de Pablo
Pauley Perrette
Elizabeth Shue
Karen Gillan
Billie Piper
Shannon Elizabeth
Shannen Doherty (don't judge!)
Leelee Sobieski
Geena Davis
Grace Park
Christina Applegate
Holly Hunter
Uma Thurman
Tia Carrere
Danica McKellar
Julia Stiles
Jorja Fox
Elisabeth Harnois
Joey Lauren Adams
Katee Sackhoff
Jill Hennessy
Danica Patrick
Alanis Morissette
Hudson Leick

Yeah, probably not a complete list, but a good start, I think.

(And bonus points to those who recognize some of the less famous ones...)

If I found myself in Key West on Christmas Day, there is no way I would ever consider my Christmas to have been ruined.

Agreed. But while I have never heard of anyone having their Christmas "ruined" by being in Key West, I am often amazed by how many people are so fucking miserable while they are on vacation here.