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I am merging several common minor annoyances that I get at least once a day into a single order that is full of suck:
Me: Thank you for calling (workplace), this is Deevil, how may I help you?
Caller:I had ordered these <insert generic item description> a few years ago, I don't have an item number or anything....do you know if you still carry them?
Caller: I'd like to place an order
Me:Can I get your customer number from the green box on the back of your catalog?
Me: And may I get your name as it appears on the credit card you will be using?
Caller: "Sissy Smith" (and then after the order is completed and entered into our system tells me that the name on the card is "Minerva Leigh Katt-Smith")
Me: And would you verify your billing address?
Caller: 456 Not-Main St, Anytown, State, Zip
Me: Did you use to be on Main St?
Caller: 123 Main is my address, but I don't want it shipped there.
Me: We can ship to a different address, but first I need to make sure we have the correct billing information
Caller: Why?
(Seriously? You don't understand that without the correct billing information your order will at best be delayed and good chance it would not be able to processed)
Me:And your daytime phone number/email address?
Caller: I do not divulge that information
(Really? And yet at the end of the order, not only do you have no problem giving me your credit card number but you volunteer not just the type of card, but the bank that issued it, the security number on the back and that you made a $100 payment on it three days ago so you know there is enough to cover your order)
Me: I'm ready for your first item, may I have the two letter prefix and any slashes or dashes?
Caller: It's on page 15, item H
(that's lovely, now if only I knew if you had one of the fifteen or so "current" catalogs, or if is an old catalog that I don't even have at my desk)
Me: and the item number for that?
Caller: I can't find the number
Me: Okay, after the description of the item there is two letters, a dash, then like two numbers, a slash, and then four more numbers. I need that
Caller: Oh, XX what do you call it dash?? one one, the diagonal line, one one one one
Me: and how many units would you like?
Caller: Two
Me: That's two units of junk for twenty dollars
Caller: My catalog says junk costs ten dollars
Me: Yes, and you are getting two of them, so two tens would be twenty
Caller: OH!
Me: and your next item?
Caller: two two two two two two two (great, I can assume it is from the same catalog so the prefix is the same, but I get to play where does the slash belong...most itm #s are two numbers slash four numbers, but it can vary)
::rinse, lather, repeat for the rest of the items:::
Me:and your next item?
Caller: That's it
(and now for the fun that is the "you might also like")
Me: We do have a couple of other things that I think you may be interested in. On page 24 of your catalog we have the thing-a-ma-jig, they make great stocking stuffers (right now almost anything makes a great stocking stuffer LOL) and are only six twenty-five for two dozen...how many would you like to get today?
Caller: That's how much they are in my catalog
Me: Yes, it's an item that is popular with other people that have ordered the whatchamacallits
Caller: But it isn't a lower price, no
(repeat for the next item I select from the list to offer)
Me: (customer name), with the order you are placing, you do qualify to add up to two additional items at a fifteen percent discount. Is there anything else you would like to get at 15% off?
Caller: (a rant about how I should have let them know about the offer before they gave me all the items they wanted, or five minutes of them looking through the catalog seeing if there is anything else they'd like-and killing my handle time' or both)
Me: Your order total is XX.XX
Me: You have the estimated delivery date of December 20th, if you need your order sooner, we have expedited shipping for an additional charge
Caller: I need it by the 17th
Me: Alright, so if you go with the three to five business day shipping it will add __ to your total and arrive on December 14th
Caller: I don't want to pay that much more, usually I get it in three or four days with the regular
Me: It often does arrive sooner than the estimated date, we just cannot guarantee it will arrive any sooner. Since you need it by the 17th, I would recommend doing the next one up just to be safe
(you can either suck it up and pay to make sure you get your order before it's needed or you can go with the standard and cross your fingers that it does arrive sooner...but if you go with standard I will put in the comment section that you declined express shipping and if you call to complain you won't get anywhere)
<get cc info, write order, thank for choosing (workplace), tell have nice evening..move on to next caller>
Me: Thank you for calling (workplace), this is Deevil, how may I help you?
Caller:I had ordered these <insert generic item description> a few years ago, I don't have an item number or anything....do you know if you still carry them?
Caller: I'd like to place an order
Me:Can I get your customer number from the green box on the back of your catalog?
- Caller (with a catalog): It's not my catalog, should I still give you that number? (Usually with a long winded explanation on how their uncle's cousin's next-door neighbor's co-worker gave them the catalog)
Me:Nope, since that number would not pull up your info, I'll just get the keycode in the purple box.
- Caller (no catalog): I don't have a catalog, I found the items online.
Me:Okay, and did you have a keycode or promotional code you will be using?
Caller: No, can you give me one? (not if I wish to continue getting what little paycheck I do receive every other week)
Me: And may I get your name as it appears on the credit card you will be using?
Caller: "Sissy Smith" (and then after the order is completed and entered into our system tells me that the name on the card is "Minerva Leigh Katt-Smith")
Me: And would you verify your billing address?
Caller: 456 Not-Main St, Anytown, State, Zip
Me: Did you use to be on Main St?
Caller: 123 Main is my address, but I don't want it shipped there.
Me: We can ship to a different address, but first I need to make sure we have the correct billing information
Caller: Why?
(Seriously? You don't understand that without the correct billing information your order will at best be delayed and good chance it would not be able to processed)
Me:And your daytime phone number/email address?
Caller: I do not divulge that information
(Really? And yet at the end of the order, not only do you have no problem giving me your credit card number but you volunteer not just the type of card, but the bank that issued it, the security number on the back and that you made a $100 payment on it three days ago so you know there is enough to cover your order)
Me: I'm ready for your first item, may I have the two letter prefix and any slashes or dashes?
Caller: It's on page 15, item H
(that's lovely, now if only I knew if you had one of the fifteen or so "current" catalogs, or if is an old catalog that I don't even have at my desk)
Me: and the item number for that?
Caller: I can't find the number
Me: Okay, after the description of the item there is two letters, a dash, then like two numbers, a slash, and then four more numbers. I need that
Caller: Oh, XX what do you call it dash?? one one, the diagonal line, one one one one
Me: and how many units would you like?
Caller: Two
Me: That's two units of junk for twenty dollars
Caller: My catalog says junk costs ten dollars
Me: Yes, and you are getting two of them, so two tens would be twenty
Caller: OH!
Me: and your next item?
Caller: two two two two two two two (great, I can assume it is from the same catalog so the prefix is the same, but I get to play where does the slash belong...most itm #s are two numbers slash four numbers, but it can vary)
::rinse, lather, repeat for the rest of the items:::
Me:and your next item?
Caller: That's it
(and now for the fun that is the "you might also like")
Me: We do have a couple of other things that I think you may be interested in. On page 24 of your catalog we have the thing-a-ma-jig, they make great stocking stuffers (right now almost anything makes a great stocking stuffer LOL) and are only six twenty-five for two dozen...how many would you like to get today?
Caller: That's how much they are in my catalog
Me: Yes, it's an item that is popular with other people that have ordered the whatchamacallits
Caller: But it isn't a lower price, no
(repeat for the next item I select from the list to offer)
Me: (customer name), with the order you are placing, you do qualify to add up to two additional items at a fifteen percent discount. Is there anything else you would like to get at 15% off?
Caller: (a rant about how I should have let them know about the offer before they gave me all the items they wanted, or five minutes of them looking through the catalog seeing if there is anything else they'd like-and killing my handle time' or both)
Me: Your order total is XX.XX
- Caller: Isn't it free shipping?
Me: (checking the keycode given) It looks like the offer in your catalog is free shipping on orders forty-nine dollars or more, and you are at twenty-seven dollars
Caller: So I have to pay for shipping?? - Caller:I should get free shipping
Me: (checking keycode) The offer for your catalog is free shipping on orders forty-nine dollars or more if placed by October 10th, do you have a more current catalog I can get the keycode from?
Caller: No, but I want free shipping
Me: You have the estimated delivery date of December 20th, if you need your order sooner, we have expedited shipping for an additional charge
Caller: I need it by the 17th
Me: Alright, so if you go with the three to five business day shipping it will add __ to your total and arrive on December 14th
Caller: I don't want to pay that much more, usually I get it in three or four days with the regular
Me: It often does arrive sooner than the estimated date, we just cannot guarantee it will arrive any sooner. Since you need it by the 17th, I would recommend doing the next one up just to be safe
(you can either suck it up and pay to make sure you get your order before it's needed or you can go with the standard and cross your fingers that it does arrive sooner...but if you go with standard I will put in the comment section that you declined express shipping and if you call to complain you won't get anywhere)
<get cc info, write order, thank for choosing (workplace), tell have nice evening..move on to next caller>
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