Tales from the Headset

[Hobgoblin]

You're all wrong. 42.

[technical.angel]

Gasp! That's it! Can I change my answer?

[Bliss]

Yes but lim(0/0) should exist and be calculable

[CancelMyService]

Another couple of winners tonight:

First guy called in wondering why he couldn't order adult PPV from his cable box. I check, and sure enough, his account is not only past due but also over the limit each account has for PPV purchasing, which is $200. He immediately gets incredulous, saying it's stupid to have a limit and why do we do it. I kept the real answer of "so people like you don't bankrupt themselves buying porno" to myself.


Second guy called in for something or other and when I answered his question he said he was looking for a job and wanted to know how much I made per hour. I politely told him I don't discuss my personal business with strangers on the phone and he proceeded to spend the next 5 minutes badgering me like a little brother to tell him ("c'mooooooooon man, I don't even know you"....exactly dipshit). He ended up making the list of the very few times I had to end a call because he just wouldn't stop.

[CancelMyService]

Fun call tonight:

I really don't like to sterotype people by where they live, but god damn do West Virginians seem to live up to theirs every time.

Guy called in, said he's having problems recording with his DVR. I check his equipment and see he has 2 boxes: 1 DVR and 1 HD box. Only one of these records. This becomes important later.

SC = Idiot West Virginian
Me = Me


Me: Thanks for calling *company*, how can I help you?
SC: Yeah, when I try to record, it says service not available.

***fast forward thru basic troubleshooting***

Me: OK, I'm gonna send a signal to your box to try to reset it, sometimes that restores these DVR boxes to let you record.
SC: Don't you need my serial number so you know which one to reset?
Me: Well you only have one DVR box, so I can tell which one to reset by that.
SC: WAIT I WAS TOLD WHEN I GOT THIS PACKAGE I GOT EVERY-THING!
Me: (internally, realizing what's going on) oh shit............

***time out for some background ***

My company has a package that bundles all 3 services (TV, phone, internet) with a DVR and all the channels offered for one price. This guy already had a DVR. Again, this is important later.

*** back to story ***

Me: Yes I see you have our package that includes all the channels and a DVR, which I see you have.
SC: NO! THAT WOMAN LIED TO ME, SHE' SAID I'D GET EVERYTHING THE SAME ON BOTH TVS!
Me: Well you do, you have all the channels on both your TVs that have digital boxes.
SC: NO, SHE SAID I'D HAVE THE SAME ON BOTH TVS! THAT MEANS A DVR ON BOTH!
Me: (feeling dizzy as my brain screeches to a halt) The package includes one DVR, which you have. You can swap your HD box out for a second DVR if you'd like.
SC: NO! NO! NO! YOU AREN'T LISTENING (don't you love that?) SHE SAID THE SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME ON BOTH TVS!
Me: ..........and you do have the same channels on both.
SC: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP MENTIONING THE CHANNELS? I'M TALKING ABOUT THE DVR!
Me: ....because the package you have includes all channels and a DVR, and you have both.
SC: I SHOULDA KNOWN SHE WAS GONNA LIE TO ME BLARGLE FLARGLE *rant on comcast and their lying reps(
Me: Well is there anything else I can help you with?
SC: (sarcastically) WELL I GUESS YOU ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS THEN.
Me: Apparently so.


So basically, this guy thinks he was lied to because upgrading his package didn't magically turn his HD box into a different piece of equipment. People like him are why the cable industry gets a bad rep for customer service, tards like this guy will run around and tell everyone how the big mean cable people ripped him off.

[JustADude]

So basically, this guy thinks he was lied to because upgrading his package didn't magically turn his HD box into a different piece of equipment.

IT DOESN'T?!?! YOU HORRIBLE, EVIL, LYING !!!! I'LL CALL THE COPS ON YOU!!!!



Seriously, what's up with idiots like that? Sounds like his IQ test came back negative.

[CancelMyService]

Not specific callers, but types of calls we get a lot:

The "Dennys" customer:

As soon as you greet them, the first thing they ask you is "YA'LL GOTS ANY SPECIALS RIGHT NOW?". What, you want some Eggs Over My Hammy with your cable service? A variation on this is the folks who say their friends tell them to call in and ask for specials, as if we have secret discounts only for people who call in and ask for them.

"I don't want it fixed!"

People who call in with a problem that obviously needs a tech to come out to investigate, but do not want to schedule one. I don't get it. Why did you waste your and my time calling in if you don't want it to be fixed? I can understand if you have issues with your availability matching up with our tech's, but we didn't even get to that point.

"I KNOW YOUR JOB BETTER THAN YOU!"

Now everyone in customer service gets these kind of folks, but the ones that call the cable company are a unique sort. They all have similar beliefs:

1. You have a button you can press to fix their problem. Don't try to argue this, they know it exists.
2. You are purposely refusing to press said button, and this upsets them. Ignore the fact that that not only is bad business, but would also allow you to get them the frig off your phone.
3. If some how you manage to convince them that the magic button does not in fact exist, they will get upset again that you CAN'T fix their problem and usually goes into the "I don't want it fixed" mindset above.


"No Sir/Ma'am I will not give out someone else's info"

This happens a lot, someone will call in to pay a bill, ask for a balance, or some other request that would require verification beforehand. They don't have the account number (why do people call in to pay bills and not have the account number? ) or the social security # on the account. That's when they tell you that it's their husband/son/cousin/brother/baby daddy's account and they're calling in for them. Bonus points if that person is in the room with them and ends up relaying the info to the person on the phone. Get up off your ass and pay your own bill for chrissakes.

[CancelMyService]

More fun today, as it's Friday and I was not in the mood to deal with any entitlement SCs today.



SC: Yes, my service is out and a tech was supposed to come out today but he never showed.
Me: OK let me see what I can do.

*** aside: same day trouble calls are not guaranteed. We get someone out within 24 hours, usually the same day but sometimes poo happens ***

Me: Well it looks like we couldn't get someone out today, but someone will be out there tomorrow.
SC: I WANT YOU TO GUARANTEE SOMEONE WILL BE OUT TOMORROW MORNING! 8AM!
Me: Someone will be out tomorrow between x-and-x tomorrow (i forget what the time was, it was pretty close to what he wanted).
SC: OK, now what you're going to do is give me a month credit for this. I don't have any service.
Me: Beg pardon?
SC: You better give me a month's credit for this or I'm going to cancel my service.
Me: Well I can certainly transfer you to someone who can help you cancel then.
SC: *soiling himself since I called his bluff* Uh, uh you don't have to do that, just get someone out tomorrow.
Me: OK then.


I did end up giving him a day's credit, since his service was out, but don't come at me with unreasonable requests as something I WILL BE DOING. Homey don't play that. I have no problem giving folks what they're due, hell I get teased for being generous with giving credit. I gave $130 back to a lady who had her neice's boyfriend ordering porn when she was supposed to have a block set. Guess what, she never asked for me to do it. I realized someone on our end goofed and left the block off when she called in to order a PPV and didn't place it back. So I did what was right and credited back charges that never should have been able to be placed on the bill in the first place.

Today's Lesson? Honey does in fact catch more flies than vinegar.

[TNT]

hell I get teased for being generous with giving credit.

I'm just the opposite... I often have to be reminded that I'm allowed to give credits at all.

[JustADude]

I had the exact opposite situation when I had problems with my cable modem. Service was going down repeatedly over a couple months due to the model of gateway (I think... one of those router/modem things) they were using at the time having problems with burning out, finally ending when the manufacturer did a recall and they switched to a new type. I was cool about it, and didn't start to get annoyed until about the 4th incident. Even though my service was out for maybe 1 day out of 7, the person on the other end gave me a full month's credit when I asked about the possibility of a credit, since I was being cool about things. I guess having someone be nice over the issue was a pleasant shock.

[CancelMyService]

This little rant is entitled "Things I Wish My Customers Understood"......



This Problem Was Avoidable

This happens periodically, and it hit my phone again today: A person who's service was disconnected due to non payment finally paid up and was scheduled for a restart. This person lived out in the sticks and the tech couldn't find the house so it ended up rescheduled for tomorrow.

This of course was NOT ACCEPTABLE. The lady called in and pretty much yelled at the phone for 5 solid minutes. I was somewhat impressed, as I would have passed out from lack of oxygen halfway through had I tried such a feat. She was UPSET that we PROMISED her we'd be out today and now we're not. She said if this causes her to get a migraine and she needed to go to the hospital, we WOULD BE PAYING her hospital bills (uhh, no).

Then she went off on how she was going to report us to the FCC for being "crooks" since we took her money for a restart and didn't do it. Right. That's why we spent the $90 to roll a truck today and tomorrow, just to jack you of your $29.95 restart fee. The fact that it costs us so much is the reason we charge in the first place.

Now at this point I was pretty much hemorrhaging at the mouth from biting my tongue, I just had to point out that had she not made us wait 3 months for payment she wouldn't have to wait 1 extra day for a restart.

I mean, holy hopping hell, yeah it sucks the tech couldn't find you today; but this whole SC kabuki dance could have been avoided had you just paid the goddamn bill.