Regular male customer came in today, after having bought a laptop from me back in November. Seems said laptop, one of those little convertibles (the 360 degree hinge kind), had stopped booting. Power cord swapped out. Check. Hold down power button firmly, check. Open the laptop, disconnect the battery, and discharge the capacitors before plugging it all back in. Check. Machine is DOA with only the power light turning on, the fan turning, no other signs of life, and still under the manufacturer's warranty. Phone call time!
About 15 minutes of the usual "Oh, this isn't MY department, let me get you to the right one," later, and we finally get to the hardware tech. What follows is as near as I can remember. At no time did I raise my voice, in fact I lowered it at several times. I was in full deadpan/snark mode by the end, though I DID start out nice.
R: "Thank you for calling <manufacturer>. How may I assist you?"
M: "I am a <company> tech, calling with <customer> to have his laptop fixed under warranty. It will not turn on whatsoever. I have performed these steps <listing above> and all I get are a power light and a CPU fan. The hard drive doesn't even attempt to spin. We need his motherboard replaced."
R: "Okay, Mrs. <customer's last name>, this is a software issue. Can you please his F8 when you see the <manufacturer> logo?"
M: "I just stated that the screen is black. There IS no logo."
R: "Ma'am, just work with me here. I need you to make sure the battery is in the machine and it is plugged in."
M: "Yes and yes. Still dead."
R: "As I said, this is a software issue. Can you please go to your desktop..."
M: <Deadpan/Snark ON>"WHAT desktop? She's DEAD."
R: "Ma'am, try hitting F2 while you tap the power button. We may need to flash the BIOS."
M: *dutifully attempts. still not working* "I already told you, THAT would require the machine even being able to GET to the BIOS. The screen is black."
R: "Ma'am, I assure you this is probably software..."
M: "'S DED. It is a BRICK."
R: "What do you mean by brick?"
M: "This is an EX-LAPTOP."
R: "So it is not a laptop, ma'am?"
M: "Seriously? Yes, it IS a laptop. A very. dead. laptop."
R: "Okay then, you can now try to turn on the machine."
M: "Sir, I PROMISE you, this is a motherboard issue."
R: "Ma'am, I am aware you THINK this is a motherboard issue..."
M: *gets closer to the speaker phone with every single word* "I. Have. SEVENTEEN. Years of hardware experience. Do you REALLY want to test me on this?"
R: *silent for a moment* "Ma'am, it is software."
M: "The computer is DECEASED. Do I REALLY need to go full Monty Python on you?"
R: "Ma'am, please let me troubleshoot the software!"
M: "I JUST told you that I not ONLY disconnected the internal battery and drained the capacitors, and it STILL did nothing but turn on the power light and spin the fan!"
R: "Ma'am, if it is spinning the fan the laptop is getting power and therefore it will turn on. Please go into the BIOS."
M: "You are REALLY not listening to me."
R: "Ma'am, I am listening to you."
At this point, the customer speaks up. "You're listening to us but you're not HEARING us."
M: "I promise you, it IS the motherboard. The computer. Is. Dead."
R: "Let me get you a supervisor." (Sexism lives, folks!)
The supervisor, despite Speaking. Like. This. Very. Calmly. And. Carefully. did assure us that the machine would be expedited straight out, all shipping paid for. He PERSONALLY would see to it that his best tech and Quality Assurance people would handle everything. He promised that he would call the customer after it was shipped back to make sure everything's okay. The customer will also bring it to me for the unboxing so I can double check the work. We shall see what happens. At least my manager and the customer thought the call was hilarious.
I'll need to post a couple more recent vendor calls eventually. Those need more time to cool off, but this one was just too bad to NOT share.
About 15 minutes of the usual "Oh, this isn't MY department, let me get you to the right one," later, and we finally get to the hardware tech. What follows is as near as I can remember. At no time did I raise my voice, in fact I lowered it at several times. I was in full deadpan/snark mode by the end, though I DID start out nice.
R: "Thank you for calling <manufacturer>. How may I assist you?"
M: "I am a <company> tech, calling with <customer> to have his laptop fixed under warranty. It will not turn on whatsoever. I have performed these steps <listing above> and all I get are a power light and a CPU fan. The hard drive doesn't even attempt to spin. We need his motherboard replaced."
R: "Okay, Mrs. <customer's last name>, this is a software issue. Can you please his F8 when you see the <manufacturer> logo?"
M: "I just stated that the screen is black. There IS no logo."
R: "Ma'am, just work with me here. I need you to make sure the battery is in the machine and it is plugged in."
M: "Yes and yes. Still dead."
R: "As I said, this is a software issue. Can you please go to your desktop..."
M: <Deadpan/Snark ON>"WHAT desktop? She's DEAD."
R: "Ma'am, try hitting F2 while you tap the power button. We may need to flash the BIOS."
M: *dutifully attempts. still not working* "I already told you, THAT would require the machine even being able to GET to the BIOS. The screen is black."
R: "Ma'am, I assure you this is probably software..."
M: "'S DED. It is a BRICK."
R: "What do you mean by brick?"
M: "This is an EX-LAPTOP."
R: "So it is not a laptop, ma'am?"
M: "Seriously? Yes, it IS a laptop. A very. dead. laptop."
R: "Okay then, you can now try to turn on the machine."
M: "Sir, I PROMISE you, this is a motherboard issue."
R: "Ma'am, I am aware you THINK this is a motherboard issue..."
M: *gets closer to the speaker phone with every single word* "I. Have. SEVENTEEN. Years of hardware experience. Do you REALLY want to test me on this?"
R: *silent for a moment* "Ma'am, it is software."
M: "The computer is DECEASED. Do I REALLY need to go full Monty Python on you?"
R: "Ma'am, please let me troubleshoot the software!"
M: "I JUST told you that I not ONLY disconnected the internal battery and drained the capacitors, and it STILL did nothing but turn on the power light and spin the fan!"
R: "Ma'am, if it is spinning the fan the laptop is getting power and therefore it will turn on. Please go into the BIOS."
M: "You are REALLY not listening to me."
R: "Ma'am, I am listening to you."
At this point, the customer speaks up. "You're listening to us but you're not HEARING us."
M: "I promise you, it IS the motherboard. The computer. Is. Dead."
R: "Let me get you a supervisor." (Sexism lives, folks!)
The supervisor, despite Speaking. Like. This. Very. Calmly. And. Carefully. did assure us that the machine would be expedited straight out, all shipping paid for. He PERSONALLY would see to it that his best tech and Quality Assurance people would handle everything. He promised that he would call the customer after it was shipped back to make sure everything's okay. The customer will also bring it to me for the unboxing so I can double check the work. We shall see what happens. At least my manager and the customer thought the call was hilarious.
I'll need to post a couple more recent vendor calls eventually. Those need more time to cool off, but this one was just too bad to NOT share.
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