The AMAZING Computer Super-Virus!

[HawaiianShirts]

It slices, dices, cuts, and chops! Also makes criss-cut and Julienne fries! There's NOTHING this thing can't do!

Broomjockey's post about the woman who didn't know what a virus was gave me an idea.

"My computer's doing this, could that be from a virus?" Repeat ad nauseum.

We've all read the emails and heard the claims. Viruses and spyware can do nasty things to computers and can mess up the lives of their victims. Problems range from loss of vital data and files to the capture and transmission of personal information to potential identity thieves. And then there are those unusual viruses... the ones we never see ourselves but only hear about... the ones that can reach beyond the limits of their binary world and influence ours in almost supernatural ways...

I've had enough people make ridiculous claims about computer problems that simply MUST be caused by viruses. I thought we ought to make a compilation. Here are my contributions.

- "I've got some dead pixels on my monitor. Could that be caused by a virus?"
- "My printer's pulling through, like, 20 pages at a time. Can printers have viruses?"
- "I heard about this virus Dell had a while ago in all their laptops that made them catch fire. Did they fix that?"
- "I haven't won a single game of Freecell since I got DSL. I thought Norton was supposed to block viruses."
- "My surge protector kind of exploded a while ago. Now it won't work. Think I've got a virus."

I don't work tech support, though. I work sales. I'm sure I've not heard anything nearly as amazing as some of the rest of you. Care to add to the list?

[Gurndigarn]

It slices, dices, cuts, and chops! Also makes criss-cut and Julienne fries! There's NOTHING this thing can't do!

It's Skippy, the SuperVirus! Got change for 25 million people? (Cookies for whoever gets the reference.)

[Dave0523]

It's Skippy, the SuperVirus! Got change for 25 million people? (Cookies for whoever gets the reference.)

I had a co-worker whose MIL said her keyboard had a virus.

--Dave

[Broomjockey]

Heh. I just posted this in my thread, but it fits way better here
Virus Alert!

[JustADude]

Heh. I just posted this in my thread, but it fits way better here
Virus Alert!

Beat me to it, Broomjockey...

<Off-key singing> ...It'll translate your documents into Swahili... </Off-key singing>

[Naaman]

It's Skippy, the SuperVirus! Got change for 25 million people? (Cookies for whoever gets the reference.)

Best card game ever, especially when everyone loses

[trunks2k]

It slices, dices, cuts, and chops! Also makes criss-cut and Julienne fries!

Am I the only one who just said "It will not break. It will not *tap tap*..... It broke"

[Dreamstalker]

Beat me to it, Broomjockey...

<Off-key singing> ...It'll translate your documents into Swahili... </Off-key singing>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmK1agiw1wE

[gunsage]

Cust: "Everytime I open up Internet Explorer, I get the Yahoo! page. But I have your service, right? So why doesn't it open to your page?"
Me: "Actually, there's a very simple explanation-"
Cust: "Must be a virus, right?"
Me: "Err, no...not exactly. You can change your home page by doing this..."

*Insert troubleshooting steps here*

Me: "...and that's it!"
Cust: "..."
Me: "...Ma'am? Still there?"
Cust: "...It didn't change."
Me: "Wha-"
Cust: "It...it didn't change! I followed every one of your steps, but I'm still on Yahoo!"
Me: "Well, yes, for now. Close the window and-"
Cust: "Sigh...I guess I'll just have to update Norton. Thanks anyway."

*CLICK*

[AriRashkae]

Am I the only one who just said "It will not break. It will not *tap tap*..... It broke"

Nope.

(Although, we tend to quote Genie interviewing the guests for the wedding. )

[BravoOrig]

I love the It didn't change crap. Its because you haven't tried to get to another page, or closed and reopened your browser! It doesnt' change unless you actively do something! Same type of thing when you do have them change a setting, press a button, power cycle their router, etc. Then they tell you they couldn't get online when they tried to, this being when they tried to before calling me. Wake up! We corrected the issue, I explained it to you, now I want you to try it because it will work!

Cust: "...It didn't change."
Me: "Wha-"
Cust: "It...it didn't change! I followed every one of your steps, but I'm still on Yahoo!"
Me: "Well, yes, for now. Close the window and-"
Cust: "Sigh...I guess I'll just have to update Norton. Thanks anyway."

*CLICK*

[raven_illusion]

It could be worse, the sales dept that transfers me paid support calls sells everything as a virus. I mean, Computer dead, smoke from all corners and they tell the client they have a virus and we can slip right in and clean it out for them.

[Acolyte]

'My computer was hit by lightning, and now it won't load. I think it has a virus.'

If by 'virus', you mean 'exploded CPU', then yes. Your computer indeed has a virus.

[MMATM]

Am I the only one who just said "It will not break. It will not *tap tap*..... It broke"

I was thinking "combination hookah and coffeemaker, also makes julienne fries!" but close enough I suppose...

[Shabo]

Oh, I had some guy tell me about a year ago that he didn't believe in viruses. I quickly explained why he should not only believe in viruses, trojans, worms, etc. but also take steps to protect himself. Cuz you know, identity theft isn't real either. After I explained all this, he seemed to have changed his mind, but I hope he wasn't just pretending for his sake.