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I talked to this guy yesterday and I'm still steamed. Mostly at myself for not taking control and handling it better. I've got a bad case of the I-should-have-dones.
Since going around steamed and losing sleep about something I can't change is not mentally healthy, I'm going to do a little venting now in the hopes that someday I can actually laugh about the whole thing.
So here is The Letter I Wish I Could Write...
Dear On-Site IT Consultant at United States Agency Which Must Not Be Named,
Item 1: We offer free tech support. Just free, not instant, not guaranteed. If you come to us with weird-ass problem we've never seen before don't expect a farking miracle and don't expect me to pull it out of my ass right this second.
Item 2: The reason you are having a weird-ass problem is that you have a weird-ass setup. I'm sorry that you disagree, but the version of our software you are using has been out for over two years and you are the FIRST and ONLY person who has reported that issue.
Item 3: Telling me repeatedly that your setup is "just the same as every Fortune 500 company uses" isn't going to change a thing. Your setup might be the latest and greatest. It might be the way your professors taught you was the ONLY valid way to set up a network. It might well be that we and all of our other customers ought to be using that setup ourselves. The simple fact is that we haven't seen it; we haven't tested on it; and, as far as we are concerned, it's a weird-ass setup.
Item 4: Seriously, if you are that goddamn unhappy that I can't supply an instant fix to make your free update work with your weird-ass setup, go back to using the previous version or, even better, go to our competition. Our competition just loves getting patronizing lectures about how behind-the-times they are.
Item 5: When I repeatedly tell your that the version you are trying to use with your weird-ass setup was a free update, that is a HINT. A hint that you just aren't that special and are, in fact, wasting your time grousing about something you got for free. If you would shut your yap for five seconds, perhaps you would have taken that hint.
Item 6: DON'T lecture us on how we should design our product to fit your weird-ass specs. We are a tiny company; you are a huge government agency. If you want custom software, farking pay us the thousands of dollars it will cost to make it for. While you spent 30 minutes lecturing me, I was looking through a window into the conference room where my g-d lunch was getting cold.
Item 7: Referring the name of the agency you work for obliquely as "the entity you mentioned as registered" and "the name you told me owns the license" and "the entitly you have in your database" is pointless. Your predecessor openly and freely registered the license by the name of your agency; it's in our database; I read the name your agency out loud to you when I confirmed the registration information. It's obviously not a secret, nor is it intended to be a secret. So just stop with the cloak-and-dagger crap; it's annoying.
Item 8: No. We did not DESIGN the software to take 5 minutes to open then crash. What you are seeing is called a BUG. Don't tell me that "whoever designed it that way is a moron." You're a moron for thinking we would intentionally design software to crash. How would we market and sell such a thing? I think I pointed out that you are the first person to run into that BUG because you have a weird-ass setup we've never seen before. Yes; it's weird-ass. Telling me that your little group is right and the rest of the world is wrong doesn't make your setup less weird. Try going on talk shows and jumping on couches if you want to keep arguing about how you are the only sane person in the world.
Item 9: I've mentioned several times that I don't have the knowledge to solve your problem. I've offered several times to put you in touch with other folks who MIGHT be able to solve it. I don't know for a fact that they CAN help you; I just know for a fact that I CAN'T. Lecturing me about how I SHOULD be able to help you isn't going to get you anywhere. I'm not a magic wishing-fairy; the knowledge isn't going to pop into my head just because you wish it there. My lunch is getting cold; why don't you just wish it into YOUR head and save some time?
Item 10: Yes. You got to talk to our head of development. The reason for that was that I consulted him about some issues several times during the course of your endless whining and he finally took pity on me after hearing my voice start to break and took over. DO NOT, under any circumstances, think that makes you special enough to bypass channels and talk directly to him every time you have a silly-ass problem.
Item 11: Don't complain to the head of development because I kept "guessing" about your problem. YOU insisted that I give you answers I didn't have. In the absence of definitive answers, all I have are theories aka "guesses." If you don't like guesses, don't insist on making people supply answers they don't have. At least the head of development doesn't put up with much crap. He was able to provide a workaround for you [as a matter of fact the SAME workaround I gave you, which you rejected out-of-hand], but he can be very pointed with people who try to dazzle him with bullshit. I wish I were him sometimes.
Item 12: You are just one of thousands of customers, and not even near to being one of our bigger customers. You don't get to demand features. We decide what features to add based on what the majority of our customers need and what is feasible. Even our super-unflappable head of development couldn't take it any more.
Item 13: So you ended up talking to the company president because the head of development decided he'd rather get some development done than argue with idiot customers, big whoop. That does make you special, but not in the way you think. Guess what? The company president is just as unimpressed with you as the rest of us. Luckily you were too full of yourself to recognize that he was making Soothing Noises (TM) at you to shut you up and get rid of you.
Well, that's about it, Mr. On-Site IT Consultant at United States Agency Which Must Not Be Named. Have a nice life. You might keep wasting my tax dollars, but you won't won't be wasting my time again.
For the record, he spent 45 minutes wasting my time, 30 minutes wasting the head of development's time and another 20 minutes wasting the company president's time.
And, you know what? I DO feel much better now. Thanks for reading!
Since going around steamed and losing sleep about something I can't change is not mentally healthy, I'm going to do a little venting now in the hopes that someday I can actually laugh about the whole thing.
So here is The Letter I Wish I Could Write...
Dear On-Site IT Consultant at United States Agency Which Must Not Be Named,
Item 1: We offer free tech support. Just free, not instant, not guaranteed. If you come to us with weird-ass problem we've never seen before don't expect a farking miracle and don't expect me to pull it out of my ass right this second.
Item 2: The reason you are having a weird-ass problem is that you have a weird-ass setup. I'm sorry that you disagree, but the version of our software you are using has been out for over two years and you are the FIRST and ONLY person who has reported that issue.
Item 3: Telling me repeatedly that your setup is "just the same as every Fortune 500 company uses" isn't going to change a thing. Your setup might be the latest and greatest. It might be the way your professors taught you was the ONLY valid way to set up a network. It might well be that we and all of our other customers ought to be using that setup ourselves. The simple fact is that we haven't seen it; we haven't tested on it; and, as far as we are concerned, it's a weird-ass setup.
Item 4: Seriously, if you are that goddamn unhappy that I can't supply an instant fix to make your free update work with your weird-ass setup, go back to using the previous version or, even better, go to our competition. Our competition just loves getting patronizing lectures about how behind-the-times they are.
Item 5: When I repeatedly tell your that the version you are trying to use with your weird-ass setup was a free update, that is a HINT. A hint that you just aren't that special and are, in fact, wasting your time grousing about something you got for free. If you would shut your yap for five seconds, perhaps you would have taken that hint.
Item 6: DON'T lecture us on how we should design our product to fit your weird-ass specs. We are a tiny company; you are a huge government agency. If you want custom software, farking pay us the thousands of dollars it will cost to make it for. While you spent 30 minutes lecturing me, I was looking through a window into the conference room where my g-d lunch was getting cold.
Item 7: Referring the name of the agency you work for obliquely as "the entity you mentioned as registered" and "the name you told me owns the license" and "the entitly you have in your database" is pointless. Your predecessor openly and freely registered the license by the name of your agency; it's in our database; I read the name your agency out loud to you when I confirmed the registration information. It's obviously not a secret, nor is it intended to be a secret. So just stop with the cloak-and-dagger crap; it's annoying.
Item 8: No. We did not DESIGN the software to take 5 minutes to open then crash. What you are seeing is called a BUG. Don't tell me that "whoever designed it that way is a moron." You're a moron for thinking we would intentionally design software to crash. How would we market and sell such a thing? I think I pointed out that you are the first person to run into that BUG because you have a weird-ass setup we've never seen before. Yes; it's weird-ass. Telling me that your little group is right and the rest of the world is wrong doesn't make your setup less weird. Try going on talk shows and jumping on couches if you want to keep arguing about how you are the only sane person in the world.
Item 9: I've mentioned several times that I don't have the knowledge to solve your problem. I've offered several times to put you in touch with other folks who MIGHT be able to solve it. I don't know for a fact that they CAN help you; I just know for a fact that I CAN'T. Lecturing me about how I SHOULD be able to help you isn't going to get you anywhere. I'm not a magic wishing-fairy; the knowledge isn't going to pop into my head just because you wish it there. My lunch is getting cold; why don't you just wish it into YOUR head and save some time?
Item 10: Yes. You got to talk to our head of development. The reason for that was that I consulted him about some issues several times during the course of your endless whining and he finally took pity on me after hearing my voice start to break and took over. DO NOT, under any circumstances, think that makes you special enough to bypass channels and talk directly to him every time you have a silly-ass problem.
Item 11: Don't complain to the head of development because I kept "guessing" about your problem. YOU insisted that I give you answers I didn't have. In the absence of definitive answers, all I have are theories aka "guesses." If you don't like guesses, don't insist on making people supply answers they don't have. At least the head of development doesn't put up with much crap. He was able to provide a workaround for you [as a matter of fact the SAME workaround I gave you, which you rejected out-of-hand], but he can be very pointed with people who try to dazzle him with bullshit. I wish I were him sometimes.
Item 12: You are just one of thousands of customers, and not even near to being one of our bigger customers. You don't get to demand features. We decide what features to add based on what the majority of our customers need and what is feasible. Even our super-unflappable head of development couldn't take it any more.
Item 13: So you ended up talking to the company president because the head of development decided he'd rather get some development done than argue with idiot customers, big whoop. That does make you special, but not in the way you think. Guess what? The company president is just as unimpressed with you as the rest of us. Luckily you were too full of yourself to recognize that he was making Soothing Noises (TM) at you to shut you up and get rid of you.
Well, that's about it, Mr. On-Site IT Consultant at United States Agency Which Must Not Be Named. Have a nice life. You might keep wasting my tax dollars, but you won't won't be wasting my time again.
For the record, he spent 45 minutes wasting my time, 30 minutes wasting the head of development's time and another 20 minutes wasting the company president's time.
And, you know what? I DO feel much better now. Thanks for reading!
I AM the evil bastard!
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