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I'm a tech support agent for a telephone company that also provides internet-provided television service and DSL to people all over the map, namely the midwest. Like any other media-providing company, tech support exists for a good reason - people are profoundly stupid. However today, I ran into a couple people that inspired me enough to tell our story.
WARNING: LONG
1. Ignorance vs. Need: a moron's plight for redemption against her own stupidity
SC - raging sucubus of an idiot customer
ME - Elevator
ME - Thank you for calling *company* this is Elevator, how can I help you?
SC - *mumbling obscenities in the background* Hello? Hi I need help gettin' mah remote control programmed.
With our remote controls, they are universals which program to both the cable-box and the tv itself, fairly standard fare. As I'm loading up the documentation on this customers call history before we begin to troubleshoot, the veil falls off the face of a nightmare. This horrible beasty has had about 4 calls a week for the last 2 months about her remote controls and quality of service. I had a chance to peek through the work entries of my fellow TS brothers and sisters who had to put up with this biotch. I put on my smile and went to work.
I got her remote setup for the cable box easily enough, fairly simple thing. As we were going to get the remote going, she begins to get antsy, and the niceness wears off to reveal a real wretch. We do an auto code search to get the remote set for the television itself (it's more convenient as it saves the customer from pressing monotonous buttons and saves me from walking them through a monotonous process). The horror then begins to show her true colors.
SC: Why the F*** do you idiots always try to have me do this auto code bulls**t?! I KNOW you've got the codes for my TVs since I've called you so many g-damned times!!
ME: No problem at all ma'am (I have mentally acknowledged that she has officially pissed me off and I no longer care for the integrity of our services to her). I dig through the many old tickets regarding her stupidity, which appears that she in all of her dozens of calls over the exact same issues never once has written down the steps herself. She instead has chosen to call and scream at whichever rep is the unfortunate bastard of the hour.
I find the codes and we program her remotes. I pray to god that this is over, however, I am smitten.
SC: This is f**king bulls**t. You are the WORST group of people, I swear to god. You don't know ANYTHING about your own services, and if you knew your d**k from your face, maybe you'd be a level 2 tech support, I'd rather talk to those guys over your dumb*ss.
ME: Actually ma'am I am a level 2 agent, and I'm very sorry I couldn't do more to assist you tonight.
SC: Really? I guess their standards have fallen.
ME: I can't really comment on that one way or the other ma'am, I do my best.
SC: Your best sucks since I have to call so much. I want a technician out here tonight to fix all this sh*t or I'm throwing it away!
*note* a technician never gets anywhere inside of 48 hours. Due to the overwhelming moron population mixed with the semi-cheapness of our equipment, our technicians are pretty busy. And considering the problem at hand is something as stupid as remotes, it would be over a month until a tech could make it out***
ME: Ma'am while you are clearly a servant of some dark entity sent here to ruin my day, it appears we solved the issue at hand and i'll have to wish you good night *sands dark entity commentary*
SC: F**K YOU, f**got. I'm switching over, this is horrible service. *click*
~fin~
2. Mr. Toots
To be fairly straightforward, I was talking to a gentleman who had a frozen picture. Easily enough resolved, I reset his system from my desk, which takes roughly 7-9 minutes to complete. Which means most of the time I just have the customer update me of what their TV picture's doing while I fool around on wikipedia or read CustomersSuck stories. During this boring and very silent process, I heard the customer begin clearing his throat frequently. Not that unusual I dismissed it and while reading info on my screen heard another sound, only it was not his throat being cleared.
Either he's got an amatuer and very off-key trumpet player somewhere in the room or else the guy just let slide a loud and quite audible flatus. The room had great acoustics too, as I can still hear the pleasant bugling of a digested onion loaf blasting out into the soundscape. The awkward silence became even more awkward as now I was struggling to choose whether to laugh my ass off, or question the event.
ME: Sir, did a car just backfire? Did you drop a hammer into a bowl of porridge? Did a just put a duck in a chokehold?
Instead I let it slide, had my awesome supervisor pull the call for us all to review in his office where it was agreed upon it was definitely a mirthy fart, let slip for all the world to hear, this man the king of his castle, free to deflate at will, judgements be damned.
If only more people who called tech support reigned so freely.
WARNING: LONG
1. Ignorance vs. Need: a moron's plight for redemption against her own stupidity
SC - raging sucubus of an idiot customer
ME - Elevator
ME - Thank you for calling *company* this is Elevator, how can I help you?
SC - *mumbling obscenities in the background* Hello? Hi I need help gettin' mah remote control programmed.
With our remote controls, they are universals which program to both the cable-box and the tv itself, fairly standard fare. As I'm loading up the documentation on this customers call history before we begin to troubleshoot, the veil falls off the face of a nightmare. This horrible beasty has had about 4 calls a week for the last 2 months about her remote controls and quality of service. I had a chance to peek through the work entries of my fellow TS brothers and sisters who had to put up with this biotch. I put on my smile and went to work.
I got her remote setup for the cable box easily enough, fairly simple thing. As we were going to get the remote going, she begins to get antsy, and the niceness wears off to reveal a real wretch. We do an auto code search to get the remote set for the television itself (it's more convenient as it saves the customer from pressing monotonous buttons and saves me from walking them through a monotonous process). The horror then begins to show her true colors.
SC: Why the F*** do you idiots always try to have me do this auto code bulls**t?! I KNOW you've got the codes for my TVs since I've called you so many g-damned times!!
ME: No problem at all ma'am (I have mentally acknowledged that she has officially pissed me off and I no longer care for the integrity of our services to her). I dig through the many old tickets regarding her stupidity, which appears that she in all of her dozens of calls over the exact same issues never once has written down the steps herself. She instead has chosen to call and scream at whichever rep is the unfortunate bastard of the hour.
I find the codes and we program her remotes. I pray to god that this is over, however, I am smitten.
SC: This is f**king bulls**t. You are the WORST group of people, I swear to god. You don't know ANYTHING about your own services, and if you knew your d**k from your face, maybe you'd be a level 2 tech support, I'd rather talk to those guys over your dumb*ss.
ME: Actually ma'am I am a level 2 agent, and I'm very sorry I couldn't do more to assist you tonight.
SC: Really? I guess their standards have fallen.
ME: I can't really comment on that one way or the other ma'am, I do my best.
SC: Your best sucks since I have to call so much. I want a technician out here tonight to fix all this sh*t or I'm throwing it away!
*note* a technician never gets anywhere inside of 48 hours. Due to the overwhelming moron population mixed with the semi-cheapness of our equipment, our technicians are pretty busy. And considering the problem at hand is something as stupid as remotes, it would be over a month until a tech could make it out***
ME: Ma'am while you are clearly a servant of some dark entity sent here to ruin my day, it appears we solved the issue at hand and i'll have to wish you good night *sands dark entity commentary*
SC: F**K YOU, f**got. I'm switching over, this is horrible service. *click*
~fin~
2. Mr. Toots
To be fairly straightforward, I was talking to a gentleman who had a frozen picture. Easily enough resolved, I reset his system from my desk, which takes roughly 7-9 minutes to complete. Which means most of the time I just have the customer update me of what their TV picture's doing while I fool around on wikipedia or read CustomersSuck stories. During this boring and very silent process, I heard the customer begin clearing his throat frequently. Not that unusual I dismissed it and while reading info on my screen heard another sound, only it was not his throat being cleared.
Either he's got an amatuer and very off-key trumpet player somewhere in the room or else the guy just let slide a loud and quite audible flatus. The room had great acoustics too, as I can still hear the pleasant bugling of a digested onion loaf blasting out into the soundscape. The awkward silence became even more awkward as now I was struggling to choose whether to laugh my ass off, or question the event.
ME: Sir, did a car just backfire? Did you drop a hammer into a bowl of porridge? Did a just put a duck in a chokehold?
Instead I let it slide, had my awesome supervisor pull the call for us all to review in his office where it was agreed upon it was definitely a mirthy fart, let slip for all the world to hear, this man the king of his castle, free to deflate at will, judgements be damned.
If only more people who called tech support reigned so freely.
If you had been in the Northeast, I'd swear you'd encountered my stepfather (or my ex, he makes no issue about bodily functions while on the phone and tends to announce them proudly like a giggling nine-year-old).
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