Mailservers 101

[that_chick_in_I.T.]

Dear caller:

If messages are delivered successfully to our mail server, there is no problem with our mail server. If messages from one sender in particular are not pulled from our POP server to your Exchange server - but messages from all other senders are, the problem is not with us.

Try to follow my logic here:

1. You have an Exchange server at your facility

2. Your Exchange server pulls mail from our POP server

3. Your Exchange server successfully pulls mail from our POP server, as you receive all messages, except those from one sender. Those messages remain on the POP server.

4. You do not have spam filtering enabled on your POP account with us. This sender's messages are delivered directly to your POP inbox - the same place from which your Exchange server pulls all of your other messages.

5. This sounds like this one sender may be blocked by a filter at your Exchange server.

Exactly how does this all add up to a problem on our side?

[TNT]

The problem's always on our side ('Our side' generally referring to the most accessible people).

Caller: Why are you blocking my email?
Me: Are you getting any email at all? [I've learned that when a customer speaks in absolutes, the first thing to do is get them to be specific. Too many calls that started with 'My cable don't work at all' turned out to be 'Channel 57 is a little fuzzy, sort of, sometimes.']
Caller: Yes, I get a lot of it. It's just one particular person.
Me: Is that person getting an error message when he tries to send you email?
Caller: I don't know and what does it matter? If someone sends me email and I don't get it, it's got to be your fault. Just make it so her mail gets through.

I admit that when it comes to computers and the internet (and life in general, for that matter), I'm hopelessly naive, wide-eyed and innocent... with all the problems that can happen to an email between Computer A and Computer B, it amazes me that it works at all.

My callers think of it all as 100% perfect and that nothing could possibly go wrong without the company (me) doing something on purpose to break it -- presumably just to annoy them. ('We're not getting many calls today -- let's break something!')

[that_chick_in_I.T.]

P.S.
Customers, every time you experience a problem with a site , it does not mean the freaking server is down. Servers generally don't go down several times a day. Check your proxy settings and STFU.

[Bliss]

Well first of all, the intro I "love" the most when a user calls is: "Is your server down?"

This can mean:
*) They can't get email
*) They can't send email
*) they can't connect via dial-up
*) their wireless connection is down
*) They can't turn on their pc (happened once)
*) A big green and orange plane came from the sky, and showered candy and kittens all over the houses, causing a roadblock

They use "is the server down?" to inquiry about all those things and more.

Other email server beauties.
About 1 in 10029928398394827991872 emails bouncing back are an error on our side. We do NOT mind read the reason the email you sent bounced back, I cannot diagnose the problem without the bounce error (btw you should be able to read, the errors are normally plainly describer in the bounce email, but instead you called us...)

*) When your pop3 client downloads all your email, and then deletes it from the server, we do NOT keep an eternal copy in the server in case your computer crashes and you want to reread the email your cousin sent you 134 years ago.

*) We are not microsoft.

Let me repeat
WE ARE NOT MICROSOFT.

Do not blame me that they designed outlook express to delete your messages after %100 successfull retreival of all of them. It's not my fault that you downloaded 160 of your 3400 (we have an user with 10k emails in his account right now) 1Gb sized emails over dialup before it crashed, and now it still counts 3400 instead of 3240, and when you're told to use the webmail interface to delete these 160 mails and check what you want and what you don't don't sound all offended and demand that we should KNOW what emails you want to receive and which you don't and deltete them for you.

*) We can't stop you if you're so determined to send emails to inexistent addresses, yes we beleive the address wich you recall perfectly was working 25 years ago, I can't call that person's ex-ISP and order them to make the address to exist again.

*) Email is really not the best medium to send 30Mb of files

*) No, we do NOT allow you to send emails with 2000 addresses in CC or BCC, we will also throtle your ip to one concurrent connection and a few millisecs between emails unless you're a known LARGE ISP, that is to avoid SPAM, and to avoid our IP to be listed in every decent spam list there is. Otherwise all our other, legitimate clients would be affected for YOUR idiocy.

P.s. it's well stated in the conditions on the contract.

If you have 400Mb in email, you've whined me into checking them by hand to delete large videos of your friends pulling out their snot you do not want to receive now, and I tell you to close your email program so it doesn't reopens the session and setting a lock on the mbox file. DO AS I SAY, otherwise I will not only want to kill you, but be completely unable to help you safely.

Grrrrrrrr

Oh and yes, you should bend on your knees, and pray to wathever deity you beleive in that you actually got me to pick up. I'm the programmer and sysadmin on the ISP, I only picked up a help desk call because I am helpign my poor overloaded coworkers, and you are HELL lucky that you fell with me, since I'm the only one with root access to the server and who knows how to handle the thing. Otherwise you would've had to wait on queue for a moment of my atention. So instead of beign snotty, you should be groveling to me.

Now, grovel, and leave me alone.

[that_chick_in_I.T.]

You owe me a new keyboard.
And possibly a new office chair.


Those are some of the best calls, btw.
And by "best", I mean those that cause me to die inside a little.

Caller: I can't send e-mail. Is your server down?
Me: We don't have any reports of an outage. Are you unable to send mail at all? Are you getting an error when you try to send?
Caller: I get a bounceback message when I send to pissbitchmoan@iwasateenagedouchebag.com
Me: Do you have a copy of the bounceback message?

--- I inform the astounded caller that I actually need the bounceback message because I have this crazy need to actually see an error in order to know what the error means. I create a ticket - caller responds by e-mail when he finally digs deep enough in his trash folder to get the deleted bounceback message.

Copy of bounceback message - third line down.

"The recipient's mailbox is too full."

It doesn't even freaking say "over quota". It says the recipient's mailbox is "too full". "Too full" must be one of them technical terms.

.

.

Of course, there's also that warning phrase: "I'm not computer literate". Suicides have no doubt been caused by hearing that phrase.

What it usually means is "I'm trying to build a website, and by the way, could you tell me how to use my mouse?"

And by the way people - if you don't know what the hell a browser is, you're not a freakin' web designer! I'm sure your "client" is very happy with that site you built them in MS Publisher. I'm not going to tell you how to troubleshoot your FTP client - that's what the missing link paid you an obscene amount of money to know.

.

.

And last but not least, there's the creative type. S/he's smarter and a better person than you because s/he's an artist. You just don't get him/her. This type usually has the word "studio" in their domain name, and are perpetually irate that you can't explain the intertubes in their language.

I sometimes imagine a call like this.
Caller: I need to know how to edit the address on my homepage.
Me: Well, log in to Site Builder and...
Caller: (somehow interjects that s/he is an artist and doesn't understand your instructions. Asks the same retarded question again 3 times.)
Me: Purple sunflowers on a moonlit roof - wither blister burn and peel. Water cools in leaves of autum. Blissful master mine.
Caller: Ohhhh now I get it. What next?
Me: Aquamarine.
Caller: Okay, thanks!

[Bliss]

In defense of some designers, they suffer as much as DBAs, that is, everybody thinks their job is easy and anybody can do it, and they actually continually try to "help", thus they're as jaded beigns as poor DBAs (I've promissed NEVER to become a full time DBA. I am not spending YEARS learning the amazing art of fine tuning databases and data structures into actually working efficiently, to have a manager think I'm a replaceable slack!!).

About "web designers" would you beleive our webmaster (a very very close friend) receives at least four calls a week from CORPORATE WEBMASTERS (people PAID to do the job of webmaster) that end in:

Stupid WM: So, how do I upload the site?
Our WM: (Used to this by now) You must use an FTP client...
SWm: Ftp?? what's that?????

Same thing goes for words like "Html" "Web server" "asp" and similar.

Sigh.

It gets worse considering our IIS machine is overloaded and we're NOT loading custom COM+s to it for you, so all the clients have in ASP is access for DB (yes ugly, not my call saddly) and CDONTS for email sending.... of course since they're all copy-pasters they don't have the SLIGHTEST idea how to use the friggin CDONTS....

*weeps*

Edit:
Need I mention these people make at least double salary of what I make? Maybe I should hit my head on a wall until I become both stupid and scrupule-less and thus get a better job?

[that_chick_in_I.T.]

I do tech support for a web host (that also has a design department with real designers), & get the same thing. We get calls every day from "web designers" asking stupid questions. It usually goes something like:

Caller: I'm a web designer. How do I publish a site in FrontPage?
Me: .o(You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! Do you think that by throwing the "designer" word around, you're impressing someone? Do NOT fscking try to impress me! I know more than you and make half your salary. I hate you! I thirst for your bloooooooood!!!!) I'm sorry sir - I can only provide the FTP data. I'm not permitted to support Microsoft products. You'll need to contact Microsoft technical support.