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Lesson the First: Tech Support Agents are always right. You do not have the right to argue with the diagnosis. Period. Fact. End of Discussion. Except in some very extreme cases, this is the one rule that customers are expected not to break when they call into me.
Now, if I left it there, one would assume rightly that I'm an arrogant jackass.
But it just wouldn't be Customer's suck if we didn't have someone break this rule, right? Right.
Me: Thank you for calling Technical Support
SC: Hi, my first name is Jack, last name is Ass.
Me: Hi, Jack Ass. How can I help you.
Customer proceeds to describe his problem as a resolution problem. Okay, fine. Run System restore, nothing.
SC: So, it's the video card, right?
Me: Er, probably not.
Verify in the device manager that the card is working. Good. No errors.
SC: So it's the video card, right?
Me: Well, let's make sure.
Namely because I don't want to hear about it anymore. It's not the video card or it's the weirdest case of systematic failure on a video card I've ever seen. So I run the diagnostic, which reports the video card is fine.
SC: So it's not the video card?
Me: Nope. Video Chipset is good.
Starts to look at the monitor. Now, I don't expect the customer to understand this technical detail, but there are two things that control resolution: The first is a video card/chipset/GPU. The GPU dictates how big of an image it can handle at a certain refresh rate. The second is the monitor itself. It also has a maximum resolution and is controlled by refresh rate as well. It should be able to handle 1440x900.
Me: So, what's the brand of the monitor.
SC: XYZ brand.
Me: Okay. Since we don't officially support that monitor, I'm going to ask that we pull out the manual for it. There should be specification as to what the maximum resolution is.
SC: Okay. The resolution is blah, blah, blah.
Me: Hmm. Okay. Go here, here and here. Tell me what it says.
SC: Other resolution/refresh rate.
Me: Ah. That's why this isn't working. The refresh rate is too high.
And now, the suck begins.
SC: I don't think that's the problem. I think it's the chipset.
Me: *twitch*
Okay, let's get one thing straight. You called me, right? For my diagnosis, right? So, if you don't think that's it... WHY did you call me? For this offense, the customer deserves to be beaten across the face like so:
And then the call continues as if the customer had not spoken. At least, that's the way it works in system dictator land. Unfortunately, corporate wants us to be NIIIIICE. *growls and spits nails*
Me: Sir, I'm pretty sure this is the problem. (Proceeds to explain as I did earlier the technical details)
SC: I don't think that's the problem.
Thinking. Oh yeah, that thing that you DIDN'T do BEFORE you called me. Do you know how to think? Does rational thought actually cross your mind? Oh, wait, that's right... that's why you're here. On this board. On the wall of shame that says, "I'm a fraking moron!" I sure as hell don't recall putting this diagnosis to a vote. So to save ourselves time and energy, let's refer to rule number one and you have a nice glass of shut the frak up, okay?
This conversation continues ad nauseum for ten minutes. Finally, the customer takes the hint and calls the manufacturer. Have a nice day, Mr. Ass.
Story the Second:
Committment. I hate that word. Committment when corporate uses it tends to get twisted. It means that "you people" will do what we say, but when we promise to do something, we don't have to. Because we're "higher up than thou." Yeah? Guess what. You still have to use the toilet to take a crap just like the rest of us. So, since I'm making a couple of glasses of "shut the frak up" what flavor would you like yours?
So, when corporate wants us to make a "committment" to our cursetomers, I tend to worry a bit. Especially when it involves promises that the situation WILL be resolved. Because it bloody well ain't gonna happen. I do not make promises I cannot keep.
The cursetomer that called in wanted me to commit that I would fix the issue for a diagnosis fee. Again, let's pay attention to that word. "Diagnosis" fee. Meaning you're paying for my time to look at your junk heap. (And please, no whining about how the economy's bad, how you have kids to feed, wah, wah, wah. You don't walk into a mechanic's shop and expect them to fix your car for free. Why is this any different? If you want it for free, then I have a simple mantra for you. RTFM, Noob.) Is there anything about the word diagnosis fee that implies that I'm going to do a fraking thing about your system even if I figure out what's wrong with it? Okay, well, what about Recovery discs? Fine. You want to format your hard drive, be my guest.
I quote the time it will take. The customer says, "I need it faster." I've quoted three different shipping times. Ah, but wait, hold on a second. Let me put on my wizard's hat and consult my crystal ball. Wait, what's that? The wizard's hat says "Screw you, take the quotes or leave them." Hmm... well, the wizard's hat has spoken and it doesn't like you. (No. No one but the System Dictator... yah, that is me... gets to wear the wizard's hat. MINE!)
So the customer gets all huffy. "But I NEEEEEEEEEEED it."
Oh, wait, what's that I hear? That's right kiddies, IT DOESN'T MATTER!
In short, the customer who was out of warranty decided to take it into the store. *sigh*
Why is this ignorance of computers considered acceptable and why the frak do I have to be nice when you're acting so fraking stupid?
Darn. I need stronger meds. I'm acting human again as opposed to Data minus the emotion chip.
Now, if I left it there, one would assume rightly that I'm an arrogant jackass.
But it just wouldn't be Customer's suck if we didn't have someone break this rule, right? Right.
Me: Thank you for calling Technical Support
SC: Hi, my first name is Jack, last name is Ass.
Me: Hi, Jack Ass. How can I help you.
Customer proceeds to describe his problem as a resolution problem. Okay, fine. Run System restore, nothing.
SC: So, it's the video card, right?
Me: Er, probably not.
Verify in the device manager that the card is working. Good. No errors.
SC: So it's the video card, right?
Me: Well, let's make sure.
Namely because I don't want to hear about it anymore. It's not the video card or it's the weirdest case of systematic failure on a video card I've ever seen. So I run the diagnostic, which reports the video card is fine.
SC: So it's not the video card?
Me: Nope. Video Chipset is good.
Starts to look at the monitor. Now, I don't expect the customer to understand this technical detail, but there are two things that control resolution: The first is a video card/chipset/GPU. The GPU dictates how big of an image it can handle at a certain refresh rate. The second is the monitor itself. It also has a maximum resolution and is controlled by refresh rate as well. It should be able to handle 1440x900.
Me: So, what's the brand of the monitor.
SC: XYZ brand.
Me: Okay. Since we don't officially support that monitor, I'm going to ask that we pull out the manual for it. There should be specification as to what the maximum resolution is.
SC: Okay. The resolution is blah, blah, blah.
Me: Hmm. Okay. Go here, here and here. Tell me what it says.
SC: Other resolution/refresh rate.
Me: Ah. That's why this isn't working. The refresh rate is too high.
And now, the suck begins.
SC: I don't think that's the problem. I think it's the chipset.
Me: *twitch*
Okay, let's get one thing straight. You called me, right? For my diagnosis, right? So, if you don't think that's it... WHY did you call me? For this offense, the customer deserves to be beaten across the face like so:
And then the call continues as if the customer had not spoken. At least, that's the way it works in system dictator land. Unfortunately, corporate wants us to be NIIIIICE. *growls and spits nails*
Me: Sir, I'm pretty sure this is the problem. (Proceeds to explain as I did earlier the technical details)
SC: I don't think that's the problem.
Thinking. Oh yeah, that thing that you DIDN'T do BEFORE you called me. Do you know how to think? Does rational thought actually cross your mind? Oh, wait, that's right... that's why you're here. On this board. On the wall of shame that says, "I'm a fraking moron!" I sure as hell don't recall putting this diagnosis to a vote. So to save ourselves time and energy, let's refer to rule number one and you have a nice glass of shut the frak up, okay?
This conversation continues ad nauseum for ten minutes. Finally, the customer takes the hint and calls the manufacturer. Have a nice day, Mr. Ass.
Story the Second:
Committment. I hate that word. Committment when corporate uses it tends to get twisted. It means that "you people" will do what we say, but when we promise to do something, we don't have to. Because we're "higher up than thou." Yeah? Guess what. You still have to use the toilet to take a crap just like the rest of us. So, since I'm making a couple of glasses of "shut the frak up" what flavor would you like yours?
So, when corporate wants us to make a "committment" to our cursetomers, I tend to worry a bit. Especially when it involves promises that the situation WILL be resolved. Because it bloody well ain't gonna happen. I do not make promises I cannot keep.
The cursetomer that called in wanted me to commit that I would fix the issue for a diagnosis fee. Again, let's pay attention to that word. "Diagnosis" fee. Meaning you're paying for my time to look at your junk heap. (And please, no whining about how the economy's bad, how you have kids to feed, wah, wah, wah. You don't walk into a mechanic's shop and expect them to fix your car for free. Why is this any different? If you want it for free, then I have a simple mantra for you. RTFM, Noob.) Is there anything about the word diagnosis fee that implies that I'm going to do a fraking thing about your system even if I figure out what's wrong with it? Okay, well, what about Recovery discs? Fine. You want to format your hard drive, be my guest.
I quote the time it will take. The customer says, "I need it faster." I've quoted three different shipping times. Ah, but wait, hold on a second. Let me put on my wizard's hat and consult my crystal ball. Wait, what's that? The wizard's hat says "Screw you, take the quotes or leave them." Hmm... well, the wizard's hat has spoken and it doesn't like you. (No. No one but the System Dictator... yah, that is me... gets to wear the wizard's hat. MINE!)
So the customer gets all huffy. "But I NEEEEEEEEEEED it."
Oh, wait, what's that I hear? That's right kiddies, IT DOESN'T MATTER!
In short, the customer who was out of warranty decided to take it into the store. *sigh*
Why is this ignorance of computers considered acceptable and why the frak do I have to be nice when you're acting so fraking stupid?
Darn. I need stronger meds. I'm acting human again as opposed to Data minus the emotion chip.
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