Definitions

[Wordsworth]

Hand-Holder: Has to have you on the line with the them the entire time they do whatever they need to do with their computer, otherwise, they will have a problem after the call ends (but, if they make you stay on the line with them, there is guaranteed to be a problem that drags out the call longer and ruins your time).

[Zell]

The Internet: The collective Internet is down, not your connection.

[Nohbody]

Error Message (n):
1. A wonderfully detailed description of the problem that would inform the tech support of the method of repair that the user conveniently didn't write down and doesn't remember the subject of

2. A hopelessly obscure writing that causes said tech support to curse at the programmers that ever thought that this particular text could ever help anyone resolve, but that the user was kind enough to document for you

3. A vague telephoned report from a user who is just barely competent enough with a computer to turn it on and open their e-mail client to check their mail. At no point will you get a) the entire story of what they were doing before that point, or b) more than a few words from the displayed error message meeting definitions 1 or 2.

(To be fair, the inspiration for this addition at least knows, if only in general terms, what they don't know, and don't try to play "technical expert".)

[Hawaiian Eskimo]

Reboot, restart: Reinstalling windows. Not, as one would think, turning the thing off and then on again.

[Flying Grype]

Brand new computer: one that the user believes does not have to be updated, because it was built "custom" and they just plugged it in for the first time. (In reality, it was one of a dozen different variations on a model that the manufacturer sells, and was built and programmed three months ago and then packed in a box. It does need updates, kthx.)

[Flying Grype]

Know the difference!

1. Upgrades vs. updates. Techies, help me out here -- it's pretty standard for changes within a version number (e.g. 6.4 to 6.5) to be called 'updates' and to be free for the customer, while changes from one major version to another (6.x to 7.x) are upgrades and involve buying a new program or a patch. Yes?

I told a customer to 'update' his software and sent him to the page that says 'choose your program from this list to receive your update'. What did he do? Clicked 'Upgrades' on the top banner and then barked at me that he didn't want to have to pay for a fix.

2. Download vs. install. Downloading means getting the data on your computer. Installing means setting it up so that it will work. Some customers don't know the difference and will use the terms interchangeably. Some think that once you've downloaded something that's all you have to do. 'I downloaded the update and it didn't do anything!' Did you install it? 'Um... I'll call you back.'

Downloading is like buying a toilet and bringing it into your house in a box. Installing means sealing it down with wax and hooking it up to the water supply so that it can be used.

Anyone got any more?

[Jack]

I get download/install all the time. "I bought antivirus but it wouldn't download" and I come to find that they've run the installer and it failed for some reason, or they got stuck, etc.

I really like the ones who picked up bits of semi-knowledge and try to talk like they know the inner works of the support company. In theory (their minds) they sound savvy and have some sort of insider status. In practice, they use different terms than we do and end up sounding a bit funny (case number instead of ticket number).

These types also like to ask for confirmation numbers for everything. Return a work order because we can't help. Can I have a confirmation number? No. We don't have a confirmation number anyway. What would you even do with one? Call us later to give it to us so we can tell you we really did void the transaction? We can pull up the ticket and see that if you ever did such an odd thing. I never did understand the point of a special confirmation number just for one action. I imagine that when I get one I really get a ticket ID and the rep has decided to use customer-friendly terms.

They also tend to want my full name and "number". Now, I've only worked for this one IT company, so I don't know what most do, but I don't give customers my last name no matter how much they ask and it hasn't come back to bite me yet. The first time one asked for my "number" (for entertainment value: an indignant black woman asking for a return) I asked the sup which of various numbers I should give her and he said that no one is a number here. <3 Must have sounded odd to the customer when I said I don't have a number, considering she must have called manufacturer support before and always heard "HI THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR CALLING my name is Steve Clone and my ID is UID10TFUfgsfds what can I do ya fer?" Here we can still pull up a ticket and determine using an alphabetical username who worked it. We haven't become immense yet.

More:

Internet/$Protocol/Browser

OS/Computer manufacturer

"Hook up" means anything remotely related to installing, connecting, or activating anything that might have something to do with computers.

Today, I had a woman refer to a tilde as a cedilla. At least she had the right idea. Unfortunately, she thought that seeing it in a file name meant that she had an "infected file". Goodbye, hope for the day.

"Virus" means all malware.

"Turn on" means anything from powering on to reaching the desktop.

"Reboot" means to reinstall the OS.

"Crash" means any malfunction causing the computer to fail in some vital software aspect. This usually leads to a "reboot".

"Break" means hardware failure. I guess we'll give them this one.

"Thing" means whatever I should automagically know they mean.

"Doesn't work" makes a perfectly valid substitute for whatever description of the issue I should have already read from SC's mind.

In one case, the monitor meant the computer, the computer meant the modem, and it took a while to figure out why SC reported the screen going immediately blank when I had her turn off the computer using the power button.

In another case, the modem meant the router and the router meant "the antenna", and it took another while to figure out why SC didn't understand why I told him to elevate the router above obstructions to get a better signal across the house.

I'll post more if I think of any.

[Chromatix]

2. Download vs. install.

This is almost certainly where "downloading more RAM" comes from.

Sigh...

I just "downloaded" four 500GB hard disks from our friendly local computer retailer, which were marked down to €30 each because they were "manufacturer refurbished". (Which I take to mean that they were returned as "faulty", but the manufacturer either didn't find anything wrong, or disabled the faulty section and re-sold them as a smaller size.) I need to rearrange one of my machines so that I can "install" them as a RAID-5 array.

[Utter_iMADNESS]

Job Security: The lady who swears that her laptop has the H1N1 virus. Also see Hair Loss.

Thanksgiving Dinner: When relatives invite you to take a look at why their computer/laptop/cellphone/common sense isn't working.

[Apallo]

Magic Smoke: The reason all electronic devices work. Letting this out will cause the device in question to stop working.

[El Pollo Guerrera]

Magic Smoke: The reason all electronic devices work. Letting this out will cause the device in question to stop working.

The smoke carries the information from component A to component B. If you see smoke, your computer has a leak and it it needs to be plugged before all the information escapes.

I once had a computer that 'sprung a leak', according to the computer guy I took it to. He told me that he NEVER saw that much smoke from a computer before... A dying car, yes, but not a computer.

Praying to the Mayan god of computers, T'knobab'l, did not help.

[Wordsworth]

How about...

BURRRRRRRP: Callers who don't mind if you hear their bodily functions while on the phone, such as the ones who flush the toilet.

Am I Interrupting Something???: This is how you feel when a caller seems to have more important things to do than get your help, presumably the reason they called. These are callers who repeatedly answer the door, their other phone, hold lengthy conversations with other people, yell at kids or dogs, or keep putting you on hold for unexplained reasons.

[Alryk]

BCK Error = Between the chair and the Keyboard....

I don't know why you are having a problem sir/ma'am. Maybe it is a BCK error. A friend that used to work at a retail electronics store told me about this one. Pretty funny.

[Jay 2K Winger]

BCK Error = Between the chair and the Keyboard....

I don't know why you are having a problem sir/ma'am. Maybe it is a BCK error. A friend that used to work at a retail electronics store told me about this one. Pretty funny.

Ah yes the PEBCAK error. (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard) My new CWs hadn't heard that one.

[Bandit]

Ah yes the PEBCAK error. (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard) My new CWs hadn't heard that one.

Don't forget about the I D 1 0 T (Pronounced I-D-Ten-T) error. Covers everything the PEBACK doesn't.

Can't connect to anything!!!!111!! - The URL is typed wrong, there's a browser update wanting permission to install, or the cat has chewed through the network cable.

B