The Chronicles of Cranky Bungler

[Gerrinson]

Oh, man, you're right, wolfie! I wish I had thought of that back then and suggested it to CB. I can only imagine her telling the Front Desk staff that they cannot print guest folios or activity schedules until the device reporting was run. Especially when the first of the month was over a weekend and then they would have to wait a day or two to be allowed to print.

Small update, is sad, but true: Something I had actually completely forgotten about, until another conversation reminded me. At the time this happened, I didn't bother even taking notes.

One of the big 'rules' that was presented to me when I was hired is that when you're out in the hallways with guests, you should always be smiling. Of course, this was part of CB's training, so grain of salt. Her grin was always plastered on in the hallways. But it also looked really, really forced.

A few months after I was hired to work here, my stepmother was killed in a car accident. The accident was 600 miles away from my home and by the time I found out, it was hours after the accident had occurred. It was a Thursday.

Major emotional traumas like this actually leave me numb inside for a couple of days before it really sinks in. Which actually makes me super functional immediately thereafter. It's come in handy a (fortunately) few times. After speaking to my dad, my wife & I decided to work the Friday of that week before heading up. Which gave us 2 full weekends to bookend the bereavement time off from work and just focus on grieving and helping out Dad.

That Friday, I get to work, hit the HR office and then speak to ABL about needing the next week off. She makes sure I even want to work. It was good to take the time to clear my desk and hand things off, so I said yes. ABL made the announcement to the office, everyone promised to help, and it was determined who would take which tasks. ABL told me to leave as soon as I had transitioned all of my work, authorizing me for full pay not matter how few hours I spent in the office.

And then the kicker. CB came over, expressed condolences, and the reminded me "No matter how bad you feel inside, be sure you put on a big smile in the halls. You don't want the guests knowing you're sad, it could ruin their experience." And then she walked away smiling.

Fortunately for her, I was emotionless at the time, or I likely would have ended her right then and there. I did not actually fake smile, and rather obviously, no one complained and no one else in the company said a word about it. I can only imagine how creepy that fake smile would have looked on my face.

[Gerrinson]

Update!

Where I finally draw the line and file an official complaint:

Brief-ish background: We spend $XX,XXX on branded widgets each year. These widgets are handed out basically everywhere, all the time, every day at work. People take them home by the handful, or so it seems. Looking to reduce the cost, we decided to order much cheaper widgets - like 1/3 normal price - from a new vendor to see how it worked out.

Our existing widget vendor has our usage down to a science, so he pretty much knew when to expect an order from us. And often calls to check in, even. This has actually saved us a few times with the folks in charge of widget inventory forgot to mention they needed a new order. They seem to be under the impression that thousands of widgets can be ordered & delivered the next day. This is not so, it takes several weeks.

Anyway, Awesome Boss Lady told Cranky Bungler and Foreign Coworker that she wanted to be the one to tell Widget Dude if/when we decided to go with the new vendor and the time came to cut him loose. In the meantime, the instructions were to only tell him we had cut back on usage to save money and we'll be in touch when the time comes for an order. Cranky then went around and told everyone else in the office not to mention it to Widget Dude if he called or stopped by.

I was against the idea; I thought we should straight up tell him that we were trying a lower cost product. Either he could cut us a break or he would understand. In the widget business, I think this is fairly standard. And being honest up front is a good way to do business. I was overruled, and thus I toed the line.

Widget Dude called a few times, both about widgets and about billing for other items. Mostly, he spoke to me. Every time he called, CB would run over to my cube and be standing over my shoulder reminding me 'Don't tell him about the new widgets, ABL wants to do that herself'. Like I had forgotten since the last time a few days before. After several weeks, this behavior got very, very old.

So, the time came that it was determined we were going to switch to the new vendor for widgets. Though of slightly lower quality and a much slower delivery time, we were likely going to save more than $15,000 per year, a pretty significant number. As ABL put it, it was half a person salary wise for an entire year. To be clear, this was like 4 months after we first placed an order with the new vendor.

Of course, not 20 minutes later, Widget Dude calls me about our lack of widget orders. I offered to transfer him over to ABL, but he declined and said he would call back. I got off the phone and CB asked if that was Widget Dude. I confirmed and she ran over to ABL.

CB: Can you believe it? Gerrinson just spoke to Widget Dude and didn't tell him we're going to get widgets from someone else.

ABL: Really? Well, Widget Dude needs to know. We'll have to call him back to tell him.

CB: Well, I'm not surprised. Gerrinson is just a big chickenshit. I should go buy him a bag of feathers after that. *loud laughter ensues from both CB and ABL*

To be clear, this was a LOUD conversation and I could hear every word. Only ABL, CB, Report Queen, and myself were in the office at the time. Also, this is the closest in real life I've ever come to manifesting heat vision through pure unadulterated rage blazing from my eyeballs.

At this point, I gathered up all the written evidence I could - not much because CB hated to commit to anything in writing. A defensive move on her part, I assume. Then I spoke to Foreign Coworker when she got back from her meeting. She confirmed ABL and only ABL was supposed to tell Widget Dude about it. And FC forwarded an email from ABL specifying it in writing. I took all my evidence over to HR Manager and filed a formal complaint.

ABL got a call from HR Manager, then called me into her office about the complaint. ABL forgot that she had declared she was the only one to tell Widget Dude about the new vendor. And the apologized. And then she scheduled a meeting with HR Manager, CB, me, and herself to deal with the complaint and discuss punishments. ABL owned her error and that she should not have laughed, particularly since I was following orders and had objected to the whole idea up front.

Things continue:

A while back, I had mentioned here about HR Manager believing that poor communication was the problem with CB? Well, we were all scheduled to meet with her and CB one-on-one to discuss the communication issues. My meeting with the two of them was scheduled just a couple days after this Chickenshit incident.

We discussed various issues that CB had with my behavior - how this is due to CB's communication was never mentioned. The best interaction was this one:

CB: You always verify my instructions with ABL before doing anything. Going over my head like that says you don't trust me as a supervisor.

Me: You are not my supervisor. ABL is my direct report supervisor. You are a colleague on the same level.

CB: Uh, no, my job description clearly states that I oversee daily department activities, which means I'm everyone's supervisor.

Me: Nope, I'm a supervisor of Even Newer Clerk, which in my job description is stated as 'Directly supervises AP Clerk position'. Your job description doesn't mention directly supervising anyone since you were removed as Quiet Guy's supervisor. *Yeah, it seems she was micromanaging his process so much that work wasn't getting done and ABL moved QG up to reporting directly to her. And I felt the need to get that dig in there.*

CB: Well, I don't know who told you that, but...

Me: *cutting her off* ABL told me on my first day that you would claim to be my supervisor and you are not. Furthermore, I did the proofreading on all of the job description updates ABL made last month - because she asked me to do so - so I know your job description as well as my own. You don't supervise anyone, period. You don't believe me? Ask her. *nodding to HR Manager*

HR Manager: *sickly smile* Well, Gerrinson is not completely wrong there, ABL is the only supervisor in your dept. except for him.

CB: Well...well...I think you don't respect me!

Me: I feel the same way.

CB & HR Manager:

It pretty much went downhill from there - I'm impertinent, I don't respect CB, I don't obey her directions, a big circle jerk of what's wrong with my actions in regard to CB. For 90 minutes. None of which had anything to do with potential communication issues from CB. At the end, HR Manager asked me if there was anything else I wanted to discuss in a very leading manner.

I figured she wanted me to bring up the Chickenshit incident, so I said anything else to be discussed would require ABL's presence. At which point CB looked pissed and HR Manager went pale. And then HR Manager rapidly ended the meeting and chased us out of her office.

Really? How about no?:

A few weeks later, the meeting with ABL, HR Manager, CB & I had been moved for about the 5th time. And then I get a notice that it is cancelled. I went to ABL to discuss rescheduling.

ABL: What do you mean? HR Manager said you dropped the complaint based on your communication meeting and CB's attitude since.

Me: No. I never said or did any such thing. I guess I'll go upstairs to see Corporate Counsel, because I'm done. *exit door, angrily, with ABL calling after me to come back*

When all was said and done, HR Manager was already 3 weeks into 4 weeks notice and apparently had destroyed all evidence of my original complaint. I made a new one, but that went nowhere, even with Corporate Counsel looking into it. So, yes, one of HR Manager's last actions on the job was to shield CB from a very valid complaint. CB must have been feeling a bit less bulletproof, though, because after HR Manager left, CB toed the line for nearly a full quarter. Just long enough for some folks to think she had changed for good.

I, on the other hand, maintained constant vigilance...

[Gerrinson]

As to why I didn't quit: My wife and I had just bought a house less than a year before. Walking out without a new job to go to was not an option - if I quit, I would be denied unemployment. I did start looking for work elsewhere - pretty much anywhere I went for the job I was doing, i would get paid $5K - $6K less per year, which definitely hurts the wallet.

Also, barring CB, the job was pretty good and generally getting better. There are precious few places (in my area, anyway) that a grown man can go to work wearing a Star Trek t-shirt and cat ears on his head and people will just high-five him and go on about their day. Even the CEO had no problem with the cat ears. He did just about bust a gut laughing the first time he saw them, though.

[Gerrinson]

Is that an update I see?

Tracking office efficiency:

In what I consider one of the most inefficient processes, Awesome Boss Lady announced that we were required to track our time & activities at work in 5 minute blocks. And provided a tracking sheet for doing so. I made sure to log all the time I spent logging time on the tracking sheet.

The goal was to look for inefficiencies in the manner in which people were doing their work - what was taking longer than average (I don't know where they found these averages) and then look for improvements.

After 2 weeks of that joyous activity, ABL compiled all the data and promised to have individual meetings with everyone regarding their personal results. Report Queen has a meeting, Foreign Coworker has a meeting, Quiet Guy has a meeting, Even Newer Clerk has a meeting, Cranky Bungler has a meeting. And then radio silence for a couple weeks. You'll notice who did not have a meeting.

Deciding that no news was not necessarily good news, I popped into ABL's office to talk about it. Turns out, based on wherever they got their averages, I was way above average in efficiency and she saw no reason to meet with me. In fact, our whole department was pretty efficient in their work. Except for one person. ABL was struggling with how to pitch it to Crank without doing it in all dept. meeting and wasting everyone else's time. The end result of our conversation was for me to compile a bunch of tips, which ABL would discuss with CB. My name was to be omitted from the list to avoid disgruntlement.

After ABL had reviewed these tips, tricks, & suggestions with Cranky, CB came out to the copier and ran off copies of the whole packet. Then she proceeded to go to each cube and hand them out to all of us with the specific comment that 'ABL wanted me to pass these on so you could improve your work flow.' I immediately hucked my copy into the recycling, which CB noticed. Oops.

CB: Really? You're not even going to read it?

Me: I have a digital copy, I don't need hard copy.

CB: Well maybe you could take some notes in it. You might want to highlight the useful tips.

Me: You can easily highlight and assign bookmarks in the PDF version. Also it is searchable and easier to keep track of than a paper copy, in my opinion.

CB: Well, ABL said we should all have them. I'll just go mention it to her.

Me: Sure, have at it.

CB tried to tattle on me for not wanting a paper copy of the document I wrote. I only heard part of the conversation, where ABL asked CB why she was printing copies of the document for everyone. The rest of the office heard that too. Once again, CB just made stuff up to seem important, and then it got found out. Not to mention, now everyone else knew the inefficient worker was in the office. Oops.

Pettiness or just super dysfunctional? You decide!:

So, after CB supposedly became more efficient, she wound up reviewing a lot of paperwork for ABL prior to it being signed. Now, I will say this, CB approached most things from the perspective of nitpicking it like the most PITA auditor ever. And that was actually a really useful trait in someone reviewing contracts, payment backup, etc. Not everyone who is a terrible a coworker sucks at everything. Even when we want them to do so.

On the other hand, it created a lot of situations for pettiness and lording it over the rest of us when she found a mistake. And then sometimes, she just didn't make any sense at all. For example:

CB: Gerrinson! I need a printed copy of the agreement and invoice for <vendor> I think there was a mistake. *shouted across the cubes - I can't say much because we're all equally guilty of this*

I pull up my emailed copy of those files and print it out. As requests go, that was pretty simple & straightforward. As they were printing, I got a phone call, which I took quickly. Roughly 2 minutes on the phone. Then I got up, grabbed the print outs, and brought them to CB's desk.

CB: Oh. I got tired of waiting and made photocopies of them. *picking up the original documents and waving them at me. They were on her desk the whole time...*

So, she needed printed copies of the hard copy document that was on her desk in order to review it for errors. And then made notes only the original copy and recycled both her photocopied version and the extra one I had printed. I just Was she being petty or incompetent?

Nope, this is pettiness:

As always, the constant temperature wars had raged in the office. We were now down to a 3 vs. 3 split on what was comfortable and what as not. It was agreed that those of us that got too hot would try to sweat it out (pun intended!) for a bit before turning down the thermostat. One fine evening, the cold folks were all leaving early, CB being the last one out at 4:30. At 4:25, I decided to turn on the AC, since I had a good 90 minutes of work or more and I knew it would be just me in the office. CB got up, grabbed her purse, then immediately complained it was too cold and turned off the AC before walking out the door to go home. I just don't have it in me to believe that she was being anything but petty about it at that point. I mean, you're leaving...does it matter if the office temperature is too cold for you when you're not there? Oy vey.

[Gerrinson]

...I agree turning off ac isn't an answer, but I can also tell you that demanding someone wear more clothing isn't it.

Just to be clear, this was the same woman who only found herself comfortable in Atlanta in the summer time. So, I think CB was not a good measure of 'comfortable'. She often had the office thermostat cranked up to 80 F and that was still 'too cold'. At which point, I have to say 'put on a sweater' is an option. Also, possibly, go see a doctor.

[Gerrinson]

Okay, getting things back on track with an update!

Mistakes were made by someone and I'm sick of it:

One of the great joys of our entire department was that we printed all of our journal entries to paper and filed them in numerical order in binders; usually one binder per month. If you ever needed reference backup for anything, look up the number, pull the binder, and dig in. Clunky, fraught with paper cuts, and of course, things would get filed out of order. But it worked, and pretty much nothing was missed, ever, just occasionally misplaced.

Normally, if you found stuff misfiled, you just reordered it and went on with your life. Cranky Bungler, of course, felt the need to remove the misfiled entries, carry them to the desk of the person who made the mistake, and plop them down on top of whatever that person was currently working on while loudly saying: "Misfiled!" And then she would just walk away. Ostensibly, this was to 'teach everyone to be responsible.' Yeah, how about just because she was a bitchy control freak.

The very last time she ever did that to me, I picked up the entry, walked back to Cranky and the book

Me: Show me how I misfiled it, because when I put it in there, mine was the only entry in the book. In fact, I made the label on the outside because we needed a new binder.

Cranky: I don't know what to tell you, it was out of order.

Me: Okay, fine. Show me where. Which entries were around it and who made them? Because that is who misfiled, not me.

Cranky: Wow, you really take things personally. Just put it back in order like an adult.

Me: I did that yesterday with the three entries that you misfiled. And I didn't feel the need to rub it your face. That's how adults do it where I come from.

Cranky: Don't take an attitude with me for your mistake.

Me: *picking up an empty binder* This, is what it looked like when I got to it. *open binder, drop entry in, drop binder on Cranky's desk* Show me how that is misfiled.

Cranky: Look, just fix your mistake.

ABL: Cranky! I heard the whole thing. This is pointless and Gerrinson clearly didn't do it. From now on, the rule is that if anyone finds misfiled entries, just fix them yourself and don't make a big deal out of it. I'm sending an email so we'll all have it in writing. Now, both of you get back to work.

Cranky looked like she got stuck with a mouthful of fresh lemon. And lost one of her favorite past times. Too bad, so sad.

And then woosh! An opening appears and Cranky goes for it:

In a brief interlude that had three of us prepping resignation letters, Awesome Boss Lady put in her 2 weeks notice and left. The only person in our office who announced they were putting in for the controller position was Cranky.

After several weeks of interviews, it was announced that someone had been chosen, and it was an internal hire. I was ready to walk out on the spot if it turned out to be Cranky. Judging by her Cheshire Cat grin, she was sure it was her. Turns out Report Queen had also put in for the job. And she got it!

Bullet dodged!

Also, RQ will henceforth be known as New Awesome Boss Lady or NABL.

Collegiate Prejudice:

Cranky avoided NABL for several weeks, likely to NABL's pleasant surprise. When NABL was in meetings, Cranky would make a big deal of making loud phone calls to various places that were theoretically considering for employment. She did several phone interviews from work. On her work phone. In her cube. In the middle of the day.

And in every one of those calls, she made a big deal out of the fact that she had a degree from Bentley College. A huge deal. She couldn't understand how her current employer would pass up a Bentley graduate for someone with a degree from <local community college> which is why she was looking for *insert position here* with their company. This eventually led to the rest of us talking about our degrees, with CB helpfully weighing on the validity of them.

Foreign Coworker got her degree in her native country. CB figured that was a bit sketchy - is that really anywhere near as good as US schools? FC was put out by that suggestion for some reason that confused CB. Wonder why?

Quiet Guy had gone to CB's alma mater and had the same degree. Obviously he was cool.

That's when we learned Even Newer Clerk had also gone to CB's alma mater, and had the same degree. CB's comment was that even the lower graded students had to get jobs, but at least ENC was holding down the clerk position. Whereas CB had never taken a position lower than a full on accountant in her career. ENC was pissed off, and again, CB was confused as to why.

Lastly, we got to me, where I jokingly pointed out I only have a 2 year liberal arts degree from <local community college> and I'm qualified to serve fries with that. CB was flabbergasted as to how I ever got a real job with a liberal arts degree. So, I let fly with the name dropping, because CB and I had a very antagonistic working relationship for some reason.

Me: Well, first, I only took the minimum required 'fluff' courses - history, literature, environmental studies, etc. 3 of my 4 semesters worth of credits were accounting, physics, advanced mathematics, and computer programming. All subjects with real world applications. And then, of course, I interned with <local accountant> who graduated from Harvard and my internship mentor was <local NPO CEO/millionaire> who went to Yale. Those opportunities gave me a solid real world base in business experience. And my mentor at <college> was <dept. head> who used to work for <defense contractor> and <alphabet soup government agency>. My degree isn't much to look at, but it was built on a solid foundation of business, financial, and mathematical excellence. Also, all three of them were on my reference list when I applied, which ABL and VP found really impressive. Especially after speaking to them and hearing what those folks had to say about me.

CB: Well, you're just lucky to be employed. If I had NABL's job, I wouldn't keep anyone without a 4 year degree from an American college. None of this work experience people use to cover up their lack of education or equivalent experience in some foreign place I can't pronounce. And no matter who their references were.

Me: Nope, you couldn't fire me if you had NABL's job.

CB: And why not?

Me: If you had NABL's job, I would have walked out the moment they announced it.

CB: That's a terrible thing to say!

Me: The truth is often cold, hard, and totally unrelenting of one's feelings.

Everyone awkwardly retired to their own cubicles as I had managed to kill the entire conversation. Also, FC totally noticed the jibe at her own degree, which did nothing to improve interoffice relations.

New help, but not great help:

At this point, Even Newer Clerk survived long enough to get promoted! A position equal to my own was created and was given to her. Then we did the whole interview a bunch of people and try to find a good person for the clerk position thing. Then our first choice decided not to take it, which is how we wound up with Second Rate Clerk.

SRC was a drama llama. Everything her life was always dramatic, all the time. Her first husband (and baby daddy) was a no good deadbeat alcoholic drug addict who couldn't keep a job and was always in and out of jail. Her second husband, with whom she now lived, was a no good deadbeat alcoholic drug addict who couldn't keep a job and was always in and out of jail.

It took like a week, but I finally figured out that I had actually gone to high school with SRC. Her husbands were merely the latest in a very long string of extremely similar mistakes. I foolishly tried to point out that she kept trying to fix these guys and it never works out. Maybe look for someone who doesn't need fixing? Ha ha! The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how crazy difficult it makes her life.

Despite the personal phone calls, crying sessions, etc. SRC got the job done and done on time, so I guess it could be worse. She and CB pretty much hated each other out of the gate. It was actually kind of...nice?...to be a spectator and not a target. Maybe I'm just a bad human being.

We'll pick up from here next time, as my notes dwindle away.

[Gerrinson]

She can dish it out, but she sure as hell can't take it.

Yeah, like most bullies, that pretty much sums her up.

And a small addition:

But it must!:

We have a small fleet of vehicles, for which we track fuel purchased & mileage. Sometimes that gets screwed up because the person with vehicle A will 'borrow' the card for vehicle E to get gas - all of our tracking comes from data gathered at the time of fuel purchases. Then we bought a backhoe. We got a fuel card for it, though the backhoe itself never went to the gas station - they take a diesel tank up in the back of a pickup truck.

I set up the backhoe for normal tracking, only to discover that usage on large pieces of heavy equipment is not measured in mileage, but in hours of use. Who knew? That being the case, I marked off the mileage as N/A. CB discovered this and came to interrogate me about it because 'we HAVE to track the mileage because all the other vehicles are that way.'

She spent over an hour running around on campus seeking out maintenance staff to question them about it, and kept running into the same brick wall: That's just the way usage is tracked on heavy equipment. Since CB didn't like that answer, she then went online and did some more research. And then she called the dealer. Finally, she came over to me and announced that heavy equipment tracks usage by hours so we can't use mileage on that one. "Be sure to make a note of that, okay?"

I know more than a doctor:

CB had a bad back. She frequently complained about being in pain. As I experience near-constant pain from any one of a variety of issues, I can understand how that can mess with someone's life. CB kept a large cold pack in the freezer of the office fridge. Every day, she would put the cold back in her chair and sit with it pressed against her lower back. At some point, when discussing pain, it was pointed out that you should cycle hot & cold rather than just cold because it could actually make the condition worse.

CB: My doctor said the same thing, but cold numbs the pain. Heat doesn't do that so I'm not going to use it.

Me: Wouldn't it make more sense to alternate and maybe heal up a bit rather than risking more damage to your back?

CB: I think I know what's best for my body, thank you.

Ooookay, then, suffer on with your righteousness. Also, the woman who was always cold sat everyday with a large cold pack against her lower back for long periods of time. Hmmm...

[Gerrinson]

Coming in dribs & drabs now just because I'm super busy at work & home for the next couple weeks.

Pay it NAO!:

We wound up with an insurance invoice (for the employee health insurance) that was temporarily misplaced. By the time the invoice got to us for payment processing, it was the day before the due date. The due date also happened to be our normal check run date. We also had a goal of reducing off-cycle checks to zero, so I figured one more day wouldn't hurt.

Regarding the due date: In a prior life, I was an insurance salesman, licensed to sell insurance products in 43 states. I happen to know a bit about the business, like the fact that pretty much every company gives a standard 7 day grace period on payment due dates. So, I took the invoice, posted it, and made sure it showed due right away so it would be in the next day's check run. I also called the company, just to verify that we did indeed have a 7 day grace period, which was confirmed and a note was made that we were mailing payment that week so there would be no penalties regardless of the date the check was received. All was good. Then Cranky butted in.

CB: Do you have the check for the health insurance?

Me: It will be in tomorrow's check run, so we're good.

CB: Just cut the check now, it's due tomorrow.

Me: We're cutting checks tomorrow and we have a 7 day grace period. It isn't a problem to just include it as part of the regular process.

CB: No! It's due tomorrow, we have to overnight it this afternoon. Cut the check now!

Me: Seriously, there's no problem. I verified the grace period with <insurance company>. Paying $40 to overnight the payment is a waste of money.

CB: Just print the check now! *visibly agitated and voice raised*

Me: No. *calm & cool with an even tone*

CB: FINE! DON'T PAY IT ALL THEN! *shouted across the office, then storms away*

Me: Wow. *head shake, back to work*

At this point, NABL called CB into her office to find out what the ruckus was about. NABL then called me at my desk to ask me to come into her office. CB watched me go in with a smirk on her face. NABL and I discussed the situation - including the fact that I was in charge of AP, had spoken to the vendor, and it was all copacetic. NABL sent me back to work and called CB back in. A few minutes later, CB walks back up to my desk:

CB: I guess I owe you an apology because my tone may have been a little shrill earlier. *spoken with zero sincerity, then she ran away and stayed away the rest of the day*

And one more nail was lined up...

[Gerrinson]

Moar story?! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeeeee

They're coming, they're coming. I've been really busy with meeting work deadlines, having over an old friend from out of town, and running 2 gaming sessions in 4 days (as opposed to 1 every other week.)

I have not forgotten this thread, promise!

[Gerrinson]

Updates? Someone wanted updates?

Spreadsheets, Bungled Style:

In my experience with IT & Finance, I've learned that automation is good. The fewer times you touch a piece of data, the fewer times you hand key information, the better. Cranky was strongly opposed to spreadsheet automation. Probably because coding complex formulae and macros was beyond her skill set. Don't understand = bad!

Several of us inherited spreadsheets from her as tasks were shuffled around and we all learned several things:

1. Cranky absolutely hated teaching anyone how to read her work. "If you look at it, it's pretty easy to see how it works" was a favorite phrase she used with me. Also it was never true.
2. Hand keyed information was EVERYWHERE. You need the same piece of information on 7 different tabs? Hard key it on every one!
3. Basically all of her formulae broke down to adding and subtracting. Multiplication & division had to be in seperate cells for each one, then add/subtract the results. It was painful to try to follow the logic trail.
4. One several of the important and hard to follow sheets, I found that some cells were added & subtracted from the same formula multiple times. It makes no sense to add A7, then subtract A7 later, than add A7 in again later on.
5. And all of those assume the spreadsheet actually generated the correct answer in the first place. Half the time she would print them out to paper, then run tallies on an adding machine and attach the tape 'correction' to the printed copy of the spreadsheet. Because that makes sense.

I questioned many of those decisions and there was always some reason is just 'has to be this way to work'. Yeah....no. There were several hubbubs generated when I made changes to logically streamline things and she went snooping later and wasn't able to understand what I had done. It generally went like this (written from my perspective, but other people had the same basic conversations with her):

CB: Gerrinson, I was reviewing the <task that is no longer hers> and the spreadsheet doesn't make sense.

Me: I linked everything to the tab named Data Entry - the data is entered there and feeds through. The Summary tab shows the final output. The rest of the tabs are labeled for <specific calculations or supporting documents>.

CB: The way I did it was <old way> and these formulas just don't make sense. I think you missed something here.

Me: NABL already reviewed and checked it off. The output report matched your final numbers when I fed in the data from <prior month> so it works fine.

CB: There was no tape for corrections, so did you double check it?

Me: I adjusted the entries to process the data so there are no corrections needed. It's all basically automated now, just paste in the data and there you go.

CB: Well, I'm going to work through it, this doesn't seem right.

3 - 4 hours later, CB would come up with a handwritten and incorrect result that she would take to NABL as proof someone made a mistake. And then NABL would review it and find CB's mistake. Good times, good times.

Small funny, well, to the rest of us:

We had to take mandatory Excel training - the whole company. My dept. was signed up for the most advanced class, since we are power users. When we got into the class, there was no one else but Finance staff. Then we read through the agenda and crossed out the skills we used on a daily/weekly basis. That left 2 new features of Excel 2010 for us to learn out of 28 planned. Needless to say, the training session was short and sweet.

During that time, CB had to stop several times to stretch her back. I've got no actual issue with this - back pain sucks. When the class was finished, 2 1/2 hours early, we were all on our way out when the trainer stopped CB.

Trainer: I just wanted to say congratulations! When are you due?

CB: I'M NOT PREGNANT, I JUST HAVE BACK PAIN!

The rest of us:

The poor trainer followed her down the hallway apologizing, but CB was livid. The rest of us were highly amused. Another reminder to never assume a woman is pregnant unless the kid is born right in front of you.

See, I included a story where CB wasn't the sucky one!

[Gerrinson]

I gotta ask did she ever do any work, she seems to do nothing but inspect other ppl's work.

Well, that was her idea of 'overseeing' the day to day tasks. Find as many mistakes as possible made by other people and report them to the boss. She's one of those people that thinks you can only win by making sure everyone else loses. There are no win-win situations. Which sounds fine on paper, but in the real world compromise and helping others to succeed is a much better way to go about it.

[Gerrinson]

Um, right, so...I think this is last update.

That's just her face...sure:

At a weekly staff meeting, we were discussing inefficiencies and ways we could reduce our paper storage. One of Cranky's personal tasks - which she hoarded jealously - was tracking the files for capital expenses. Many of them need to be stored permanently, and she had a cabinet with files that went back nearly 10 years.

A few times over the years, one or the other of us had suggested scanning the paper to PDF, making some backup copies to be stored offsite, and shredding the paper. An effort which Cranky had steadfastly refused. At this meeting, Second Rate Clerk made that very suggestion.

Cranky immediately looked at her as if SRC had suggested wearing cow flops on our heads. Y'know, that look where you think the other person is a complete fucking moron and they should just shut the hell up? One benefit to SRC being a drama llama - there was no holding her back when she felt insulted. Also, everyone else in the department, including NABL saw the look.

CB: *with that look on her face* No, we're not scanning those files.

SRC: *outdoor voice* Why are you looking at me like that? I just made a suggestion, you don't have to look at me like I'm an idiot.

CB: *backpedaling begins* What look? That's just my face.

SRC: No, you looked at me like I was stupid for suggesting we scan the files.

CB: *smarmy fake smile* Well, I can't see my own face, but there was no look. It's just a lot of work and you don't really understand the effort involved. We just don't have the time to pull out and scan all those files.

Foreign Coworker: Um, Cranky, yes, there was a look. We all saw it. And we could spend an hour or two every week scanning those until they're done. We'll all chip in.

CB: There was no look! I'm telling you we're just keeping the paper storage and that's it. SRC, I'm sorry you felt there was a look.

SRC: Oh, there was a look! Whatever, I'm not talking to you now. Let someone else make a suggestion. *makes the 'talk to the hand' gesture*

The rest of us were sitting there and silently enjoying the show. After the meeting, we all agreed there was a look.

In the meantime, Cranky was in NABL's office - with the door wide open so we could all hear the following crescendo:

CB:...nd I will not have that woman raising HER VOICE to ME. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HER PLACE.

NABL: First, you need to calm down. Second, you did make a face at her and it was very rude. I think you both need to apol-

CB: I CAN'T SEE MY OWN FACE, BUT THERE. WAS. NO. LOOOOOOK!

NABL: ENOUGH. Go back to your desk and get to work. When you calm down, go apologize to SRC. That's an order.

CB: ME?!? She raised HER VOICE to ME! THAT WOMAN should be apologizing. Not me!

I immediately documented everything from my point of view and suggested to SRC that she go to HR about it. I tried to get everyone else to join with me, but everyone deferred.

Dragonslaying; it's hard going it alone. Why does no one back me up?


More shenanigans:

About a week after the above incident, I was out for an early morning medical appointment. I pieced all this together after the fact. While I was out - for just a few hours, mind - Cranky went butting into filling my supervisor role.

She had found a mistake SRC made, where SRC authorized a payment for too much - the vendor had a mistake on the invoice, and we were supposed to short pay. SRC accidentally authorized the full amount. An oops, but fixable.

As part of this process, we 'cut' a check - it's not a live check, but does ping the checking account for our books as of the authorization date so we can record the payment. This is important, because all payment transactions should be in the same order when sorted by number or chronologically.

CB decided the 'fix' was for SRC to void the original payment, apply a credit to the invoice entered for the wrong amount, and then record a new payment - dated as of the original date, which was like 3 weeks prior. SRC pushed back but eventually caved to CB's browbeating and did it.

This is a big no-no. By voiding the original payment and generating a new one, we wound up with an 'out of sequence' payment - meaning the current number was on our books at a date earlier than lower numbered payments. That is an immediate audit red flag. Our auditors have software that scans the whole year's data looking for just such an occurrence.

Also, the new payment was for the correct amount. But the money withdrawn from our account was for the incorrect amount. So now, the account doesn't balance when reconciled at the end of the month.

CB then left a post it note for me with a cryptic instruction to 'Make entry to adjust <bank account> for <vendor> payment'. I came in to find that and was all . It didn't get better after I started asking questions.

When I finally had it all pieced together, I took it to NABL to get discuss the issues and to figure out the best way to fix it. CB was called in and asked why she ordered SRC to do it this way. The flow of answers to follow up questions would have been amusing had she not said them so seriously. I've shortened it to just "CB's responses" followed by NABL's rebuttals. I was basically just an amused witness.

"We've always done it that way in the past." No, we've never done that.

"Well, there are plenty of examples!" Okay, show us.

"Well, I can't think of one except...Gerrinson did it for <other vendor>." NABL pulls up the files on her screen. Nope, Gerrinson's notes show he actually did <different and correct process> here in the system. *Editor's note: I'm a right bastard leaving clear and accurate notes like that.

"I may have been mistaken, but I still think this was the right way." Nope - audit flag, out of sequence, serious problem to be addressed, etc.

"Well, it's SRC's fault. If she knew I was mistaken, why did she make the entry?" Why were you even telling her to do it? This should have been left for Gerrinson to address when he was back in the office.

"He should have come in on time, then, if he didn't want me having to cover his job." He was 3 hours late because of an appointment. This was not an emergency and his coverage for being out is split between Foreign Coworker and Even Newer Clerk. So you should have taken it to them, if you felt it could not wait.

"SRC made the entry, her name is on it, I don't even know why you're asking me about it at all" Seriously?

The circle went round and round for about 20 minutes, basically ending with CB denying any culpability and blaming SRC for doing it and me for being not at my desk all morning. W. T. F.


Not with a bang, but a whimper:

A couple weeks later, we all come in on Monday morning and NABL immediately calls an emergency staff meeting in her office. Only Cranky Bungler is missing.

NABL: So, early this morning, I did the hardest thing a manager has to do. I terminated Cranky Bungler's employment, effective immediately.

*crickets*

NABL: Take a few minutes, if you need counseling you can speak to HR. We'll have a meeting this afternoon to split up the job of going through her tasks and reassigning them. If no one has anything else, you can go back to your desks.

Me: Just to point out, the last time this happened she threatened a lawsuit and <CEO (at the time COO)> stepped in. Are you sure this if for real?

NABL: I dotted my I's and crossed my T's. I made sure that <HR Manager>, <our VP>, <Staff Counsel>, and <CEO> all signed off on it. We're all agreed and if she wants to file suit, the only place we'll see her is in court. Oh, and I've arranged for her to come in on Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM with a police escort and also <Head of Security> to collect her personal belongings. I'll be here to make sure she doesn't take any company property or files, but anyone who wants to avoid her can come in late that day if you want.

And just like that, Cranky Bungler was banished. A couple years later, we think we may have finally fixed all the broken and screwed up files she left behind.

Also, on that day, there or may not have been round of "Ding dong, the witch is dead" sung about the office. But that is a rumor which I can neither confirm nor deny.

[Gerrinson]

And a few rounds of "Here we piss on the bullberry bush..."

Can't say as I know that one. So we definitely did not!

Also, I just realized there is one story I've left out. I guess I'll save that for a bonus follow up later.

Y'know, if I feel like it.

It involves...turkey.

[Gerrinson]

My only questions at this point are:

1) Did CB sue? I'm sure she at least threatened one.
2) Did anyone come in to see her walk of shame? That would have been worth paid admission!
3) Everybody in Admin signed off on this? Even HR which blatantly failed the first time to terminate CB?

Congratulations to getting rid of CB, and my deepest sympathies to those where she ended up afterwards...

Allow me to address these questions:

1. Not to my knowledge; I'm guessing the termination had a fantastic foundation. Also, the legal invoices are redacted before they get to me..
2. Actually, we all went out to a group breakfast at a local cafe and came in late.
3. Everyone up to and including the CEO. And, it was a different HR Director & Manager than the first time around.

Foreign Coworker ran into CB a few months ago at the store. As of then, CB had not yet been hired anywhere despite going on a bunch of interviews.

Just out of curiosity, how long ago did this finally happen? Months? Years?

...weeks?

This all played out over the space of just shy of 5 years.

I only have hearsay on a bunch of other stories, like the time she angered a bunch of dept. directors around the building by emailing them instructions on what they were doing wrong in their day-to-day jobs.

I can't confirm that, other than I know CB was sent to a seminar on improving communication skills shortly after that rumor started going around. I know about the seminar because I'm the one who was asked to schedule & pay for it.

[Gerrinson]

Right, the bonus story! I don't know how I could have forgotten the turkeys, but there you go.

Obligatory background: Only because it matters, and keep any opining beyond the story for Fratching, if you please - I am atheist. I don't make a big deal of it, generally, but it does matter for this story. Also, when I make charitable donations, I make them all anonymously. My personal belief is that you support a charity because you believe in their mission, not because you want recognition or rewards for doing so.

Coming up on Thanksgiving the 2nd year I had worked with CB, she learned that Local Religious Charity was planning to serve & deliver meals to people who otherwise would not have a T-day feast. CB decided to a drive at work and talked the company into matching the donations. The local food bank was doing the same thing, and being as they are secular, that is where I made my own donation prior to this particular decision by CB.

Inevitably, CB emailed our team asking everyone to give $20 cash to her to 'get the ball rolling.' Then she came around the cubicles with an envelope to collect, assuming that no one would say no to her. Whoops.

CB: Okay, Gerrinson, I'm here for your $20.

Me: Sorry, I've already made my donations for the year so I won't be participating.

CB: This is for a good cause! Do you really want someone going hungry on Thanksgiving because you decided to be a Scrooge?

Me: Quite frankly, I will not donate any funds to Local Religious Charity (LRC) because I am atheist. I do not donate to any religious causes.

CB: It's for Thanksgiving, not a religious event!

Me: They are openly associated with a religion I do not support and I will not donate.

CB: That's just mean spirited!

Me: Take it as you will. How about we donate to the Food Bank instead? They're doing the same thing and being they are secular, I have no issue donating to them.

CB: They get plenty of donations, LRC actually needs the help. *flounces off*


About 20 minutes later, she comes back...


CB: You know, LRC is basically secular, they don't really do anything religious so you should just donate to the cause.

Me: Great! Have them drop <religion> from their name and I'll get right on that.

CB: What is wrong with you?

Me: Right now? It's a lack of respect for my personal beliefs.

CB: You get respect by giving it. Maybe you should learn not to be so selfish.

Me: I told you I've made my donations for the year, I won't donate to a religious organization, and let me add that I believe in anonymous donations. I know for a fact this donation will not be anonymous. So you're not getting anything from me.

CB: I just don't understand you. You would let someone starve on Thanksgiving?

Me: I can't feed the whole world and I'm sure there will be millions of hungry people around the world that day. So I guess I would.

CB: *to the rest of the office* Can you hear that? That's just plain mean. Can you believe Gerrinson would say something like that?

Foreign Coworker: Yes. Cranky, he's obviously not going to donate anything, just let it go. *Editor's note: This was pre-Frozen, so there was no musical interlude. Sorry.

There were 3 more incidents like the above, where it was basically guilt trip to donate -> refusal on my part => personal insult about my person. Cranky eventually stopped targeting me directly, but she took to standing next to my cubicle when making a pronouncement to the office about who, how many, how much, etc. had donated/been donated for the drive.

When the actual hand off of the donation happened, it was a huge deal, she delivered it personally and was even interviewed for the paper. When the article came out, she made sure to email a copy of it to the full donor list...which somehow included me. The article mentioned the company once and Cranky 5 times.

Every year thereafter, she made a huge deal about the drive. Which is how I wound up with an Outlook rule that routed all emails from Cranky with the word 'turkey' in them straight to my Deleted folder.