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Call my next appointment..

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  • Call my next appointment..

    And tell them I STINK!!

    ...allow me to explain (sorry.. Had [long] in the title but the website was vexxing me...)

    I did service for residential Alarm systems on Long Island NY. Now NYC has a pretty nasty rap as far as cleanliness goes (and quite a lot else for that matter!) But a good deal of the stories are exaggerations or isolated incidents. If you go to the projects in Bedford Styvesant or Spanish Harlem... It can get pretty rough. But this was LONG ISLAND. It cost a good deal to live there, even if you were working class. People (Landlords and homeowners alike) protected their investment.

    I get an emergency service call. The company I'm working for is actually a heating oil entity. The Alarms came as a side-business and became profitable. The amount of "Emergency" calls were few and far between, simply because it cost more to get same day service. Most of the people who'd call a HEATING company for an alarm were a bit on the cheap side, so I rarely had to drop everything and rush to some site.

    This person set off alarm bells and red flags in my head the SECOND I laid eyes on her. I usually introduce myself by knocking on the door, bleating the company line, and asking the problem. The customer surprised me by flinging the door open upon my approach. An overloud TV blasted through the doorway as steam wafted from the cool inside to the August heat. The customer was dressed in an ornate beaded top and SWEAT PANTS. Once upon a time she might have been a blond beauty, but now she was a 60+ scraggly headed, thin lipped NIGHTMARE of varicose veins and misapplied lipstick. The woman had either starved herself for YEARS or had liposuction of the FACE. A good breeze would have dried her up (and saved Oz!)

    "OHMUYGODWHEREWEREYOU????" were the first bleated words she launched at me... in about .3 nanoseconds. While my brain tried fervantly to process the whining (not unlike picking up the phone and hearing a fax) she continued to whine, bitch and accuse me of not being here YESTERDAY when she called.

    Me= Suave Devil (literally if you come to DragonCon)
    PS= Psycho bitch from HELL (no relation)

    Me: Ma'am.. if you'd..
    PS: (cutting me off again) I called YESterday and NO-one CAAAAAAME
    Me: Ma'am the standard service call is dependant on our schedule and there were..
    Me: *sigh* Ma'am.. I'm sorry.. I don't make the schedule and I DON'T get any extra money for this. What needs to be fixed?

    (I'll save a LOT of typing and your time if I just say it took TEN MINUTES to just get into the damn house!!)

    When I came into the home, I found out some key facts:

    She was RENTING
    The Landlords were KICKING HER OUT
    She had ONE FRIKKEN DAY to get the house back in order (which also meant a working Alarm system)
    It was NOT the TV that was making the noise
    That was NOT steam that ws escaping

    The woman had about FIFTEEN Dogs and Cats just running MAD about the place. The cats were eitehr Feral or fiercely territorial, and the dogs (mostly toy breeds) were either VERY upset about being in (exTREEEEEMLY dirty) cages or just wanted to kill me... perhaps both.

    The STENCH was nearly unbearable.

    Normally I would have walked out the door. But I was on my second month of probation to a Union job. If I was fired for walking off a job, I could expect no help from the Union because I was not part of it yet. Worse, they WOULD hound me with bad review and responses for screwing up their contract. Even in the reduced state of affairs (Unions have a SLIVER of power that they once held in NYC) it was a BAD idea to piss them off.

    I held my breath...

    A LOT!

    The woman followed me around, LOUDLY complaining about "Bad DOG" this and "NAUGHTY KITTY" when an uncleaned turd blocked my passage to the Alarm. This happened at EVERY WINDOW! She kept explaining to me (I could give a $#%#$! dammit!) about a "cleaning girl" who was late... (what'd she have?? a stick of dynamite??!!)
    The main problem was that this woman had NEVER cleaned ths place! Let me explain something. I'm second generation in Alarms. I was around when the devices were two lantern batteries and copper wire! This place had foiled windows. Foil is GONE. Obsolete. It used to be standard in all Alarms. All it consisted of was a lead/tin tape that was streched over glass. If you broke the glass, you broke the tape, BAM... ALARM! All foil will tarnish if you don't cover it. It's LEAD AND TIN. Most people used simple clear varnish.

    This woman had SO many animals urinating SO often that all of the varnish had disintegrated YEARS ago. The foil was DISINTEGRATED! The only thing left was akin to the railings you'd see in a SHIPWRECK GRAVEYARD! The windows actually had what amounted to a metallic STAIN left over.

    Did I mention Foil was obsolete?

    Meaning you can't GET anymore.

    I tried. I patched each and every mulion(the wood parts in a multipane glass) on the first window. It took me forty minutes. I got ONE ZONE PATCHED. To which she uttered the immortal words "WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?!?!?"

    I went outside and called my dispatcher.


    I quickly explained the situation and he THEN advised me that the woman had only paid for an EVALUATION, and she badgered the front office until they agreed to send someone. I was to finish WITHIN the hour and make the woman happy.

    What I told HIM to do was not anatomically possible...

    But I would have appreciated the effort.

    After letting my dispatcher know my displeasure at him NOT telling me this fact earlier, I went back into HELL and simply cut a loop of wire, removed the ruined foil from the alarm system, and stapled it (sideways.. ON PURPOSE) to the window frame.

    I left without saying goodbye.

    As soon as the afternoon breeze hit me, I realized just how BAD it had smelled in there. Then the breeze let off. When the smell came back... I knew I was in trouble...

    It was ME...

    I called my dispatcher and told them I wouldn't make it to my next appointment. When my DIPSHIT dispatcher started bleating about "WHYYYY?" I stopped him short and told him that if I showed up at ANYONE'S house smelling like this... they'd sue the company!

    I drove home, got out of my uniform and started to hit the shower. My nose wouldn't let me. The clothes had gotten the worst of it (my poor hair though...) and they were trying to reattach themselves to me, VENOM STYLE!!! I grabbed the stinking mass of cloth and fully intended to head downstairs to the washing machine. The garbage can ATE them.. I SWEAR!!!

    After a quick shower I was ready to get on the road..

    Twenty minutes later I get an angry call from my dispatcher, wondering where the $@##@$% I was?!?!?

    WASHING THE INSIDE OF MY $@#@#ING TRUCK!!! I bellowed... and hung up.

    I had a talk with the Union rep over THAT one...