The Numbnut chronicles

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Time for yet another bitch session on one of the most lazy, shiftless, stupid wastes of a human being to be employed at my store--our carryout guy, who I will start referring to as "Numbnuts" from now on.

Today, however, I was doing carryouts and Numbnuts was just supposed to do pulls. We are running our biggest two-day sale of the season today, with lots of doorbusters, some of them being furniture items, and being as I expected lots of carryouts today I asked Numbnuts to pitch in and give me a hand if a bunch of carryout calls were to come in at once. He said "Sure, okay, no problem."

Later, I got two calls for carryouts one right after the other. They both turned out to have multiple items. I took them both and just put the items on one flatbed. Then another carryout call came over once--twice--three times without being answered. Then the manager on duty paged for me to answer the third call in kind of a peeved tone of voice, so I had no choice.

As a result, I had to drag two heavy carts of furniture up to the front, pulling one and pushing the other and not moving too fast so that the cart I was pulling wouldn't slam into my achilles. Along the way, I saw Numbnuts down one of the aisles, chatting up a female coworker (Numbnuts is normally slow and stupid, but when he has a female asking him for help he suddenly becomes Mr. Helpful for some reason). I yelled for him to help me, and only then did he cut short his conversation and help me.

That wasn't all from Numbnuts today. I'll start a second post to keep this one from getting too long

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Part Deux: (or Why I Should Start Taking My Breaks in My Car)

I went to lunch and told Numbnuts he would have to listen for carryouts and actually answer and do them this time, because I'd be on break. I had just gotten up the breakroom with my food when the call box in seasonal went off. Shortly after that, Numbnuts paged me.

Me: Yeah, what is it
NN: There's a customer who needs assistance by the patio furniture.
Me: Wonderful. Go assist them. I told you I'm on lunch.
NN: Oops, I forgot.
Me (thinking): Like hell you did.

A few minutes later, Numbnuts pages me again, and I answer again.
NN: Yeah, where's location 1801? A customer needs an item from there.
Me: Between 1800 and 1802.
NN: I don't know where that is.
Me: Sigh. You've been here a month already and you work 4 or 5 days a week, you should know where the locations in the backroom are.
NN: I don't! Can't you come down and show me?
Me: I am on lunch right now! I am off the clock! Go look some more and if you still can't find the customer's item I'll send somebody else back there to help you (hang up)

A minute later, guess what? Numbnuts pages me again! He still can't find the location. So I sent another guy back to the backroom to help him, and he found the item and took it out. After I got back from break, he said to me "I can't believe he couldn't find that. I found it right away and I don't even work back there!"

Would history judge he harshly if I were to one day strangle Numbnuts until his head pops off like a champaign cork?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So today Numbnuts came in at 10:30 and went straight to work filling paper and detergent, which seems to be the only thing he likes to do. The morning supervisor asked him to unload and backstock furniture off the truck instead. Paper and detergent can wait a while if need be, but the trailer always needs to be emptied ASAP.

Numbnuts responded thusly: "That's too much to do." And went right back to paper and detergent.

Supervisor told the manager on duty about it, and I hope he has some choice words for Numbnuts should he call him up later and complain "I have nothing to do!" like he likes to do.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Is he really that stupid or does he want you to do his work for him?

Requoting this for truth. Apparently Numbnuts has a new trick he likes to pull. I call it "the speak n' sneak". Here's how it works:

• Numbnuts answers a call for a carryout, usually after at least 2 rings. When I started out years ago, we were supposed to be answering carryout calls within 20 seconds, and yes we were timed and our response times logged.
• Numbnuts retrieves furniture item, usually after a long and exhaustive search, places item on cart and starts bringing it to the front.
• If Numbnuts happens to encounter a co-worker along the long and arduous journey to the front registers, he will ask him/her for help. Even if the item he is carrying out is a smaller bookcase or a couple barstools.
• Because co-worker has been trained to help other co-workers if they need it, and because he/she doesn't want to say no and appear to be a dick, co-worker agrees to help Numbnuts with the carryout
• Numbnuts steps away to let coworker push the cart, and follows in his usual sloth-like gait. Then he sneaks down an aisle undetected
• Co-worker does not realize Numbnuts has bailed until he/she is at the front doors with the merchandise, and ends up doing Numbnuts' carryout for him.

I am convinced the only reason he is still employed with us is because management doesn't think our days are surreal enough as it is.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So at about 12:30 today I was doing my normal big important first shift things when I noticed a small puddle in the detergent aisle. One of the bottles of Tide on the bottom shelf had cracked and was slowly leaking its contents onto the floor.


I had two options for dealing with this:

• Call up Numbnuts and ask him to clean up the spill because I was busy
• Clean up the puddle myself

I chose the first option because I am trying to give Numbnuts as many options as possible with which to hang himself, and because cleaning up spills is his freakin' job anyway when the cleaning people aren't around. So I called Numbnuts up, told him about the spill and asked him to throw a little kitty litter on it, sweep it up and empty out the leaking bottle and bring it to the service desk. He told me he'd get right on it.

I then spent about 10 minutes helping a customer who had lots of questions about an air conditioner. When I was done I returned to the detergent aisle to find the puddle growing larger, with no Numbnuts in sight. I went to the backroom to find Numbnuts wandering around, mentioning he could no find the kitty litter we use for spills.

We keep the kitty litter for spills next to one of the shelves of furniture in the backroom! He passes it every day! There are two big sterilite totes full of it plus some more broken bags! Call me cynical but I think my request went in one ear and out the other, as they always tend to do with him. I showed him the kitty litter and went to do other things.

At 1:30, when I was leaving, I passed the detergent aisle again and the puddle was still getting bigger. It was starting to get where people walk when they go down the aisle. A few aisles down, I noticed Numbnuts chatting up a female coworker.

Me: (thinking "Get off your dead ass and clean up that damn spill before I pistol-whip you to death with your own scanner!") Hey Numbnuts, would you mind cleaning up that detergent spill before somebody slips and falls on it? Thanks.
Numbnuts: Oops, I'm sorry. I just forgot.

Forgot my ass.

The only problem with reporting him for that is the manager would probably then say to me "Then why didn't YOU clean it up?"

It is technically Numbnuts' job to clean up spills but management will probably figure if it wouldn't take too long, I should clean it up anyway because I was there and something like that shouldn't be made to wait.

And really, I wasn't that busy. I only helped the customer with the air conditioner because a call box went off and I happened to be close to it. But obviously I shouldn't have to babysit Numbnuts and make sure he does what I ask him to.

We've been reporting the other stuff he does to management, and never seem to get anything more than an "I'll talk to him." So I do fear if he makes it out of his probationary period, we're stuck with him for the duration.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Another Numbnuts tale o' incredible incompetence and assholery!

I heard this from a co-worker who was right there when this happened. Numbnuts was covering seasonal for a certain co-worker he seems to have a fondness for, when a cashier paged for seasonal about 5 or 6 times before Numbnuts finally answered.

Numbnuts asked the cashier if he had a carryout for him. The cashier said he just needed a price check.

Numbnuts responded thusly: "Oh. My job is to get carryouts. So I'm going to have to cut you off now." And then the little twatmonkey hung up the phone.

The cashier had to page two more times before he finally got his price check. The co-worker says he chewed Numbnuts' ass but didn't tell a manager.

Seriously, Winnebago Toboggan Flamethrower? If you are covering a department for somebody, part of your job is to answer any pages that department may get!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Okay, 1500-piece truck today, and we were short a person, so I spent today filling and backstocking like a madman.

Around 11:30 a call came in for a carryout and Numbnuts answered it. I guess it was a small bookcase. He put it on a cart and was taking it out the backroom doors when another carryout call came over. Instead of answering the call, he paged for me to do it.

I called him right back and told him I was supposed to concentrate on the truck, and couldn't he just put the two carryout items on the same cart? I do it all the time and customers don't mind waiting a few extra minutes while I help somebody else with their merchandise. He kept trying to weasel out of it but I stood my ground and he did the carryout.

However, instead of answering the second call, he just did his first carryout, then answered the second call, went all the way back to the backroom, and then got the item and brought it up. It was a small office chair; he definitely could've put it on the cart with the bookcase and at least not kept the customer waiting.

Now before anybody asks why I didn't help Numbnuts out, I can and do help with carryouts if I am not stocking a truck. However, if we have a truck to fill, the truck gets priority and we are supposed to keep working on it and let the floor people handle the carryouts. We will assist customers if they ask us for help, but otherwise we are supposed to do nothing but the truck.

As I was leaving, the cashiers were trying to hunt down Numbnuts again, because he had answered a carryout call 15 minutes before, but the customer still didn't have their merchandise and was getting peeved because they were shopping on their lunch break. I last saw him putting away detergent. Way to prioritize there.

And lastly and sadly, Numbnuts got his review and raise yesterday, so we are stuck with him.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

We've hit upon a plan to try and render Numbnuts redundant and thus fireable: carryout races!

The way it works is, myself and two other guys will go running for the phone when a carryout page comes over the PA, even though it is not our job to do carryouts. We figure satisfy the customer and get it done because Numbnuts usually takes 2 or 3 pages before he answers and then 5 to 10 minutes to find the actual item and bring it up.

We'll keep track of how many carryouts each person gets and the person with the most gets some crappy little prize like a candy bar or my idea, the "Golden Two-Wheeler"--the crappy red two-wheeler in the backroom with two flat tires spray-painted gold.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Okay, this one wasn't so much sucky as funny.

As I mentioned on another thread, we had been running a special sale on 70-sheet notebooks for ten cents each. They have been sold out since last weekend and we hope to get more in this week. We have plastered both the regular school and office section and the seasonal back to school area indicating the notebooks are out and rainchecks are available at the service desk.

So today Numbnuts paged me while trying to help a customer and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Hello?
Numbnuts: (calling from the phone right next to where the notebooks used to be and where all the signs are) Yeah, where are the notebooks we have for ten cents each?

I just hung up on him. I figured it would be impolite to just break out laughing at him.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Today is July 31, 2007. And this is the (almost) daily Numbnuts Report.

Today, we had another 1600-piece truck to fill. Numbnuts was moving at his usual glacial pace today. He was in the midst of doing one carryout when another was paged over the PA.

Guess what he did instead of answering that call? He started paging us stockers one by one to answer it! Imagine the cashier paging Numbnuts for a carryout, alternating with Numbnuts paging one of us to do it instead.

Because we were concentrating on the truck as we are supposed to, to the exclusion of almost everything else, we didn't answer him. When he got around to paging me, I paged him back and the conversation went like this:

Me: Why aren't you answering that carryout call? It's been repeated four or five times already!
N: I have another one to do. You'll have to get that one.
Me: No, I will NOT have to get that one. When I am on truck I have been told by my supervisor not to do carryouts unless it's an emergency, and you not figuring out it is possible to load up two items for different customers isn't an emergency. Just throw the items on the same cart and the people will wait if they see you are helping somebody else with some merchandise.
N: But I...
Me: *click

BTW, this means we can only have our carryout races on non-truck days. Normally I would help out with carryouts but when we have a truck to fill the truck takes priority.

Bonus fucktardery:

It was getting close to the end of our shift and we took a pallet of pet food off the truck that the unloaders didn't get around to unloading last night. Stock supervisor asked Numbnuts to fill and backstock the stuff on the pallet, because we had other things to do and Numbnuts was just wandering around aimlessly like he always does.

He told her "okay" and then walked off without touching anything on that pallet. Guess who got stuck filling and backstocking that pallet? As usual you get two guesses and the first one doesn't count.

While my coworker and I were backstocking (causing us to have to stay late and get overtime), Numbnuts wandered on past and I said loud enough for him to hear "(Name of stock supervisor) told Numbnuts to do this, but since he's such a lazy piece of shit we have to do it." EIther Numbnuts didn't hear or let that pass without comment.

This has been the (almost) daily Numbnuts Report. Further bulletins as events warrant.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Cleaning up spills the Numbnuts way!

Problem: You are putting away detergent from last night's truck when you notice one of the bottles is leaking.

How you deal with it if you are a normal co-worker:

1. Put the leaking bottle in a repack tote so it doesn't soak through the cardboard box
2. Take it to the maintenance room and dump it out
3. Give empty bottle to service desk
4. Return to the backroom and deal with the other bottles, and clean them up if they have been leaked on

How you deal with it if you are Numbnuts:

1. Put the entire box of detergent on a cart
2. Push the cart up to the maintenance room at the opposite end of the store from the backroom. Move as fast as a terminally depressed glacier and leave behind you a trail of detergent in Hansel and Gretel fashion
3. Dump out the leaking bottle and push cart to the service desk, leaving it right in front of the register so customers cannot check out, do returns or conduct other service desk business
4. Notice that other bottles in the box have been leaked on. Mosey on to the maintenance room for a rag.
5. Return with a roll of toilet paper because you missed the plastic bag full of rags. Wipe down the detergent bottles until the service desk clerk gets exasperated and goes to the maintenance room herself to get you a rag.
6. Notice puddle of detergent forming on the floor only when service desk clerk points it out to you. Wipe at it with your rag, or your toilet paper, until service desk clerk becomes even more perturbed and hollers at you to get a mop already. (keep in mind you are still tying up the line at the service desk with your cart of leaking detergent)
7. Mop up puddle and ooze your way back to the backroom. Fail to notice trail of detergent you left earlier.
8. Ignore repeated pages for you to clean up your detergent trail until somebody else answers the page, finds out it was supposed to be for you, and then pages you and tears you a new one ordering you to clean up your damn mess already.
9. Finally clean up the spilled detergent on the floor, ignoring several pages for carryouts while doing so, and forcing other people to answer them.

Watching Numbnuts "working" is like watching somebody try to masturbate and play Jenga at the same time; hilarious for you and fail for the other guy.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

More Numbnuts Numbskullery

I'm getting sick of the name "Numbnuts". I have about a dozen different nicknames for him, none of them repeatable. So I will start calling him Carry-Out Boy From Hades, or CBFH (thank you technical angel for obvious inspiration )

So yesterday CBFH went on break without letting anybody know, resulting in a bunch of missed carryout calls, annoyed customers and aggravated co-workers. But that wasn't the worst thing.

Yesterday one of my jobs was to clean off the condenser coils on our ice cream, pizza, dairy and beverage coolers. The toughest part is removing the protective colvers; the screws are pretty small and thus easy to lose. I only got 3 of the 6 coolers cleaned before I had to go on lunch and then start unloading the truck. I told my manager how far I got and she told me to have CBFH pick up where I left off.

So I showed him how to take out the screws and remove the vent covers, how to use the vacuum cleaner to remove the stubborn dust bunnies on the condenser coils, and where to find an extension cord to plug in the vacuum. And then I went to lunch and did the truck and forgot about that.

Until the end of the night when I left a note for my manager letting her know what we got done that night. Along with my note was a note from CBFH reading "I couldn't figure out how to clean off the coils. I'll need help tomorrow if you want me to still do it."

/mushroom cloud

What the fucking fuck? I walked him through all the steps, and he still can't figure it out how to do it? Oh wait, this is CBFH we're talking about. He doesn't do anything but wander around staring at his scanner like it's an epic miniseries.

I've had quite a few bad co-workers, but he is clearly the suckiest suck who ever sucked.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Actually, here's the solution we've been discussing:

Get a really big box, seal CBFH in it with lots of strapping tape and maybe even plastic straps, then put the box on the empty trailer at the dock and ship CBFH to the DC.

We might cut holes in the box for CBFH to breathe.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Doing pulls the CBFH way!

Suppose you are assigned to pulling merchandise as it's selling throughout the day:

NORMAL METHOD:
Get shopping cart or flatbed cart, take it to whatever section you're pulling. If you are pulling upstairs bring carts upstairs with forklift or ask somebody else to drive the forklift for you. Pull each item as it's requested and place in or on your cart. Repeat until all merchandise for that section has been pulled, or until all pulls in all departments have been completed. Fill merchandise on salesfloor.

CBFH METHOD:
Pull first item on your pull. Take each piece to the salesfloor. Walk around aimlessly "filling" the merchandise. Return to backroom. Pull the next item. Take those pieces to the salesfloor and "fill" them. Repeat until all merchandise has been pulled, or more commonly, when your shift ends. Or stick around after your shift has ended; after all you're pissed your hours have been cut and this way you can make up for it.

If pulling upstairs, sneak over to most out-of-the-way staircase each time, so that people working in the backroom do not see you and bitch; even if this means dragging your 12 sterilite totes over to the stairs in apparel backstock on the opposite side of the backroom.

And we wonder why he can only get like 5-10 or fewer items pulled per hour...

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Watering plants the CBFH way!

Situation: You have been assigned to water the plants on display racks outside the store.

NORMAL METHOD:
Crank out hose to reach the plants that are farthest away from the faucet. Soak each plant thoroughly at the roots. Work your way toward the faucet.
Estimated time needed to complete this task: an hour, maybe a a little more.

CBFH METHOD:
DO not crank out hose. Instead, take plants off the display racks, place them on a flatbed cart, and push it over to the hose. Water plants. Push cart back to the rack and put all the plants back. Repeat until all plants have been watered.
Estimated time needed to complete the task: almost 4 hours. This resulted in me doing his carryouts and bringing in carts for the first two hours of my shift, until he finished.

Yeah, I let the manager know he was wasting time out there. Her response: "I know, I know..."