Dear....

[Tama]

Dear 5 year old niece,

No, I am not interested in playing with you.

You have too much energy.

No, I do not want to play with you.

Just being near you pushes me into sensory overload like you wouldn't believe because you're so energetic you practically vibrate. It's not that I dislike you, I just can't deal with being around you when you're going full tilt.

Thank you for reminding me why I won't have children. If I can't handle you, I can't handle my own. And I wouldn't want to resent a child that way. The way I was.

Sincerely,

Headache and Anxiety Attack

P.S. For some reason having you around makes me lose weight though, so there is that.

[Tama]

Dear SIL, mother of the 5 year old,

Take care of your own damn kid. I should not have to play reluctant mom because you don't want to get off your ass!

Yes, I am lazy and sleep all day sometimes if I can, but I DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. If you wanted to sleep all day you should have actually thought about hiring a nanny instead of shoving your children off on everyone else! Or better yet, NOT HAVE HAD THEM TO BEGIN WITH!

Fuck you,

Your SIL

[Zellie Crescent]

Dear Asshole, gay is NOT the new black. People aren't saying and doing the things they are because you're gay, put your bullshit card away, grow up and stop being an asshole and people will stop treating you like one. Another thing you might want to know trying to and actually getting a job means you have to go out and apply and interveiw, but hey maybe sitting your fat ass on the couch all day doing your nails, eating chips, watching CSI reruns, and talking to/texting your stupid asshole boyfriend works too in your own little fantasy world. Seriously, stop being a total shithead or go live with him. From, the family you are trying desperately to drive away (sorry this looks weird, I'm typing this on a really shitty phone)

[Food Lady]

Dear Mother Nature: you are driving me nuts. My electric bill is sky-high because of the humidity. I ran the AC this morning because it was hot in here. Then I left the house this evening and froze. Now I can open the windows, but I feel like I wasted all that energy earlier, which is bad for the environment and my finances. I am sick of this back-and-forth. It was really hot in the desert, but at least it was consistent!

[Jack T. Chance]

Dear Disturbed;

Welcome back, you crazy bastards! I've missed you! Now hurry up and announce your new tour dates so I can buy my tickets!

--One of the Disturbed Ones

[Seanette]

To my uterus and lower digestive tract:

I hate both of you, too.

Uterus - there is NO need for this kind of cramping at this stage of the cycle, and you're setting off the digestive problems. STOP IT!

Lower digestive tract - NO, we are NOT going to get sick. Not with starting that new assignment at work tomorrow. I've worked too long and hard to get that promotion to lead to let you screw it up for me. Behave, or you'll be getting a dose of Imodium that will stop you up for a week or more.

Your Owner

[Food Lady]

Dear SCs I have ticked off royally in the last 2 years: I just had the happiest thought. I realized I haven't seen any of you back in, not that I recollect. Could it be that I am the Chosen One meant to make sucktomers so angry that they never darken our doorstep again? And by the way, I'm still here so I win.

[Tama]

Dear husband,

No birth control is 100% effective. Stop searching for it. It doesn't exist.

Your wife


P.S. I know the answer to my question now.

[MoonCat]

Dear Stomach,

You're a bitch.

[Seanette]

Dear MoonCat's stomach:

Whatever you're doing, STOP IT!!!!

[darkroxas45]

Dear Dr Jones:
Please stop failing every paper I give to you because it doesn't meet your impossible standards. I'm am starting to think that YOU wrote those example papers you keep passing out and just put some random name on them instead. I need this class to get my major so if you could just stop holding us to impossible standards and just grade us on the quality not your idea of perfection that would be great and I might stand a chance of passing the class.
Your Student

[cindybubbles]

Dear Old Man Winter:

Go away. You're making us all sick.

Sincerely,

Someone who just caught a cold from her father because of winter

[Food Lady]

Dear X: Look, I know you like your job and the products of the company you represent. I can understand you want to convey the "knowledge" they've provided you to your customers and those of us around you. I get it. But frankly I am tired of being argued with. I was in mid-sentence recommending a product from another line to our mutual friend when you interrupted me to say how awful petroleum jelly is. First, there is absolutely zero conclusive evidence it causes cancer. The worst thing one can say about it--according to peer-reviewed studies--is that some people can develop an allergy to it. OK, that's valid. Those people can avoid it. But if our mutual friend has no problem with it, I don't see why she has to use your company's products. I've actually said about your "facts" things like That doesn't bother me or I'm not overly concerned. Get a clue: I am not one of those who think natural is necessarily better. I used to be, but even then I wasn't preachy about it.

I just wrote "knowledge" because whatever information is dubious, considering you once told me that cutting hair will make it's growth rate go up. That's genetic; it can't be changed by cutting. You argued about that, and that argument came out of my trying to complement your hair.
We've also had conversations about people on welfare. Apparently every single person on welfare or food stamps is lazy/entitled/dishonest because your relatives are. Uh, no. I've been on food stamps and none of that is true about me.

Just stop with the stereotypes/misinformation. You are young and often parrot what you hear. Live a little longer and learn how to research stuff for yourself. Get a bigger worldview. I still can't believe you're married with a child on the way. Frankly, you're still very much a child yourself. I am just hoping you grow up soon.

[mjr]

Dear People who designed the freeways near where I work:

What the heck were you smoking?? You have two exits within about a quarter mile of one another. You have a point where two lanes merge into one. You have a point where two roads merge onto this freeway, and an "exit only" not very far away.

Seriously. How did you come up with these designs?

[Becks]

Dear T,

I still miss you and think of you every day.
I wish we talked more than quick HBDs in November and July.

--the one who "hasn't changed"

Dear P,

It's been a year since I got a surprise email from your wife.
You told her enough to be considered truthful, I'll give you that, but you left out a great deal.
Maybe I should've told her everything, and sent her that email you sent me.
I should've known something was up when you asked me one hell of a question, then never got around to wanting to know my answer.

--the "good girl" who you're "not good" for

Dear R,

Really wish you hadn't told me what you did on Valentine's Day, repeat it every once in a while (but only when it suits you) and claim you're too overworked to talk to me. In case you forgot, I work two jobs- one is 3rd shift- and I'm always willing to talk to you when you're up to it.

--your gift

Dear self,

Be serious about exercising again. Even if it is only riding the exercise bike for half an hour a day.
Try sleeping more and eating less on days that you work both jobs. Doing it the other way around isn't helping.
When your insurance cards come in this year, USE THEM. Get your eyes checked and new glasses. Go to the dentist and get that problematic wisdom tooth out (and then get rid of the dental insurance). See if you can get a mental health screening. Yes, being diagnosed bipolar is trendy now, but....

Dear cats,

Hetfield--stop peeing on the bed. The litter boxes are clean, and you have one in the bedroom for your convenience.
Nella--stop begging for milk and ice cream.
Valentina--stop being aggressive towards your older siblings. Yes, I know you want to establish dominance, but you're the newbie in the household. You're doing much better now that you're used to the place, but stop with the war whoops.