Dear....

[Food Lady]

Dear Friends & Family:

A) Yes, I'm still a vegetarian. It's been almost 2 years. Do ya know me at all?

B) Please stop asking if I eat fish. Last I checked, fish is not a vegetable.

C) No, I don't like mediterranean food or tofu. It's not automatic.
Stop offering recipes.

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Jack,

No, I wasn't able to ride the cow home. Mr. Rum said we have no room for it, and he's right. Backyard is too small for a cow.

I might not be able to go to the restaurant until next year as the next 2 months are going to be hectic. I hate having to decide where to spend holidays when all I want to do is stay home and hide under the covers.

But don't worry, when we go to the restaurant, I'll be on my best behavior. umm ...

---Rummy
-----------------------------------------
Dear Food Lady

I'm sorry your family is a little thick headed.

Here's to hoping they actually listen to you!

----Rummy

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Self,

Why did you have to get sick the day before Thanksgiving?

I have an ear infection. I hope I don't give it to Child Rum. I do not need 2 sick people in the house while Mr. Rum goes around being useless.


Rummy

[fireheart]

Dear wrist,

please stop playing up. Thankfully I don't have to WRITE with you but still, please stop with the owies

Love,
FH


Dear Loki (My car),

I apologise for making you bent out of shape this morning. I hope the car wash satisfied you.

Love,
FH

[CaroPhoenix]

HUSBAND -

What is so hard about "Your wife is sick. She has an ear infection. She's not in good spirits because she is sick." Can you not understand?

I'M SICK. I HAVE AN EAR INFECTION. I'M NOT IN GOOD SPIRITS BECAUSE OF SAID EAR INFECTION. LEAVE ME ALONE.


Your Wife

[Elspeth]

Mother Nature,
can you not pull the weather we had this week? Thanks. I would like to keep my power. And thank you for finally warming up.

CFO of my work
You are a freaking idiot. I went in when i didn't have to, so the mail and deposit could get done. Please don't freaking email me asking when i can deposit the other check that you have to put into our system. I hate you and you are freaking crazy.

and to the rest of my weekend,
Can i maybe finish my christmas cards this weekend? I want to fix the installation (we don't seem to have any against the floor of our house. This sucks when it is 25 out), watch the Oregon game and then the Boise State game. I also would like to talk the hubby into going to see Tangled. plus I want to sleep and play World of Warcraft this weekend. I don't think my weekend is long enough

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Darwin (my boycat),

You are just too cute! Sitting next to me, using your kitty mindwaves to make me pet you. I you. You're my sweetie.

I just wish you'd come back and sleep with me in bed. I miss that.

Love your human mommy,
Rummy
---------------------------------------
Dear Child Rum,

I love you. And you wanting to visit Charlie Brown & Snoopy is really cute. However, I'm sorry to have to tell you they are not real.

And no, you can't enter a cartoon.

Love you & your imagination,
Momma Rum
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Rum,

Thank you for being you and letting me be completely brainless today. I'm still sick.

Love,
Mrs. Rum
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Momma & Daddy Rum,

You two rawk.

Love your daughter,
Rummy

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear World,

I am sick of turkey.

That is all.

You may return to your regularly scheduled whatever is happening right now.


Rummy

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear HBA/Grocery specialist at da swamp:

I've been thinking long and hard about saying this, but I really need to. You and I are finished.

Yesterday, all you did was whine. That's all you ever do. Whine about needing to help other people out once in a while. You had all your signs put up in HBA and couldn't comprehend the rest of us were trying to get the rest of the store signed. You wanted to go do something else instead of helping in another department, because "I always have to help everybody else!" Boo fuckin' hoo. HBA is the easiest department to sign anyway.

And then you flipped out at me because I left you a cart of Christmas stuff from autopulls to fill, because I'd been asked to start on the housewares freight from the truck Friday night. "I'm not doing this by myself!" Guess what? You are. I'd never get away with refusing to do something because nobody else was helping me.

And then after you dragged ass doing that, you followed us around begging for something to do, and we told you you could do HBA repacks from the truck. "I did that yesterday; I'm not helping you again." Srsly? Nobody else in this store has a problem helping out others when asked.

Last Thursday night I spent all night getting your shit together for the Black Friday sale, I even went so far to show you where it was, and what did you do all morning? Spend it walking around and chatting with two former co-workers who happened to stop in early. I chatted with them to, but I kept working as I did. I didn't drop everything to stand in domestics and talk. I actually was the one running his ass off keeping your stuff stocked as it was selling. And I was supposed to be on the opposite end of the store.

You know what? You're just a bitch. Every day I gotta walk on eggshells around you and resist the urge to tell you to pull the lit firecracker tampon out of your ass before I do it for you. I can't even say hi to you any more. I know you well enough to know that might be the thing to set you off. So you can quit with the "Why can't you say hi to me and be polite?" garbage.

Oh--and whenever your cousin drops by with her little boy, why must you drop everything to walk around with him and coo over him? Don't you see him enough outside of work? Oh, and really classy of you to teach him how to swear and insult me. "Say 'go away you dork!' 'Go 'way, dork!' 'Great job!'" Fine example you're setting for that kid.

And then you insist on trying to set me up with his mother. I got nothing against her, but I don't really want to date somebody with a kid right now. And it could possibly lead to marriage, which would mean being related to you.

Because you don't treat your relatives well either. Yeah, I heard all about when you had just bought that house of yours, and your dad was helping you get moved in, and you cursed him out so bad over some little thing he got fed up, told you to move the rest of your stuff yourself, and went home. How can you talk that way to your parents? If I did that, not only would I be moving my own stuff, but I'd have been backhanded right into next week.

And you think my co-worker and I are going to come over and paint your house. Ha ha. It is to laugh. Quit asking us.

Seriously, buying a house is the biggest mistake you've ever made in your life. Especially if you keep up this attitude and bad temper of yours. I'd be surprised if you still had your job this time next year if you keep it up. Then you won't be able to pay your mortgage and will have to move into an apartment or back home with your folks. That is, if they take you back.

Oh, and don't think I don't know about the shit that went down at your apartment. I know all about that little war you got into with your neighbor--screaming matches that lasted until the cops were called to calm you down, setting your alarm clock to play loud music at random times when you were gone, egging his car. I guess it may have been a good thing you bought that house, because you were damn close to getting evicted. Nobody there misses you.

And I think I might have to reconsider going out to all the retirement parties and out-of-work get togethers if you're coming along. I'm getting a bit tired of watching you pound down your third drink before dinner and get all rowdy and loud and make other people give us dirty looks because of all the sailor talk passing your lips. I sure as hell don't go to these shindigs for your sake. I go for my co-workers and your friends, who I may bitch and complain about at work, but outside of work they're decent, nice people. Which is more than I can say for you.

Oh, and the last time I was supposed to go out drinking with you and stood you up and told you I didn't come because I had a splitting headache? I don't regret it one bit. Not when you nearly got in a fight with somebody else and the bartender had to call security. Babysitting your drunk ass is not fun, and I'm not going to be your designated driver. Frankly, I'm shocked you evidently haven't been arrested, between your bar behavior and the apartment shit.

In summation, we're just co-workers, not friends, and from here on out I intend to have as little to do with you as possible. I'm all done. The bridge, it has been nuked.

No love but much sincerity,
Irv

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear People Who Like To Post On Message Boards That Somebody Famous Has Died, Such As Ashley Greene or Most Recently Johnny Depp, For The Sole Purpose Of Attracting Attention:

Go get fucked.

Irv.

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Irv,

Here are some:



and you most definitely need some of these:



Hope this will get you through at least for the next day or two.


Rummy

[CaroPhoenix]

Mr. Rum,

Last night I asked you rub Ben Gay into my back as I was in a lot of pain. Who the f cares that your hands would be "greasy" and "burn" for the 2.5 seconds after rubbing said cream into my back and going into the bathroom and washing the stuff off?

Don't ever try to rub the stuff into my back with a towel. All you did was rub it OFF my skin not IN my skin.


Mrs. Rum
----------------------------------
To my back,

WTF did I ever do to you? I have no clue, but I can barely move and I can't figure out how to affix the heating pad to my back/side permanently. Please stop hurting.


Rummy
-------------------------------------
Child Rum,

Mommy's sorry you can't go to swim lessons, but I cannot drive. At all.


Mommy
---------------------------------------------
Dear NanaRum and PapaRum (my parents),

I love you both. I really really do. However, Mr. Rum providing for me financially is NOT the same thing as providing for me emotionally.

All my love,
Your Daughter,
Rummy

[Trishlovesdolphins]

http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/


If you're amused by these posts, you might like this site.

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Coffee,

I love you.

Devotedly yours,
Rummy
---------------------------------
Christmas,

I'm sorry to inform you, but I might have to cancel you this year as Child Rum is being very very very naughty. She's too naughty for Santa to come and give her presents.

Regretfully yours,
Rummy

[BookstoreEscapee]

Dear Rooomie,

I'm so very glad that you are "perfectly comfortable"; and thank you for pointing out last night when you got up from your nap on the couch to go to bed that you were "actually not cold." Yay for you. But it's 63 fucking degrees in here and that is not acceptable (or legal).

Shiveringly,
Me