The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Colt,

We had to charge a pet fee and your horse did what we said he did. Enclosed is the address to the homeless shelter and the number for a financial advisor so you can get some help with your bill.

Sincerely,

M. Oneybag
Manager



Dear Dating Service Owner,

My teenage daughter went on your site to get a blind date. However, when the young man showed up, my daughter was offended that her blind date was not blind. I demand you make sure that all of the people planning to be blind dates are actually blind. If you don't, I will sue your website for false advertising.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Literal,

We don't promise that people on our service are blind. However, if your daughter wants to be literal, she could go out on a duck hunting date. When she and her date are hidden in a bunker, that could be her blind date.

Sincerely,

Eros Amour

-----

Dear S&M Shipping,

I called your company to grab my package. When the driver showed up, I saw that she was cute. I told her that I wanted to tie her to my furniture, but she refused. I reminded her what her company's name was, but she still refused. At least she was good at grabbing my package and inserting it in the back of her truck.

I can't believe that a company called S&M Shipping would hire workers who refuse S&M. Your driver should be punished.

Sincerely,

E. Edward Grey

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Grey,

I'm sorry to hear about your problem, but I'm afraid it's not up to us to solve it. So I have contacted the police about your sexual harrassment of my girlfriend, and I expect that they will take steps to fix you. PS You are also banned from ever using our company again.

Yours, Ms Owner.

~~~

Dear British Airways manager,

I want to make a serious complaint about your staff, who had the nerve to throw myself and my daughter Precious off a flight. She was only being curious, the way that children are, when she entered the cockpit. You obviously don't have children yourself, or you'd understand this. I demand that you sack all your child hating staff and hire new ones who are parents, and give me a voucher for infinate free flights, or I will slag you off on Facebook.

Yours, Mrs Iva Spoiltkid.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Spoiltkid,

You and your daughter entered a restricted area. Only employees piloting the plane are allowed in the cockpit. Also, I have children myself and I've taught them to stay out of resticted areas which they do. You requests are denied.

Sincerely,

R. Ulefollower
Manager



Dear Department Store Manager,

I went over to a checkout that had a light off and the rude checker told me that she was closed. I know she was lying since she was currently serving a customer. She just didn't want to serve me because I'm black. I demand you fire this racist checker or I will sue your store for discrimination.

Sincerely,

Ray C. Card

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Card,

Isn't it kind of odd to cry racism, which actually is still a real problem but gets minimized by people like you who throw it around to get their way, against a cashier who herself an African-American? But she was working ten minutes overtime because her relief was late.

You can sue if you want, but you're not going to succeed. However, we do have selfish checkouts for people like you to use as you please. The problem is that the selfish checkouts reject selfish behavior. They're meant to correct problem shoppers. Enjoy using them.

Sincerely,

Mr. F. Air,

Castle Department Store Manager.

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Dear Urban Guerilla Armaments,

I went to your store because I was sick and tired of being wronged. After my friends teamed up with a boy to become a big hit and left me and my best friend, Yvonne A. Beethastarr, behind in obscurity, I'd been so mad that I just didn't know what to do with myself. Well, Yvonne and I finally got back into the music business, becoming experts in demolition rock. Not a stage that we're on that doesn't get blasted to smithereens. God, it's such fun.

The fun doesn't even stop when it's over because Yvonne and I love to go out and drink, and when we do, we get wild. It's how we come up with our greatest ideas, by drinking ourselves to the limit and seeing what we can do to top ourselves for the next show. We even practice it in our hotel rooms to make sure we get it right.

Anyway, for our last show, no matter how much we drank, we just could not come up with a real topper. There wasn't anything we could think of. So as I was driving us home, I saw your store and stopped inside. Admittedly, the lights were off, but to my delight, the door was unlocked, so in I went. Yvonne was completely asleep in the car, and so I thought I'd surprise her.

As I went into your store, I picked up several sticks of absolutely dynamite dynamite, a cute grenade disguised as a lemon, and a fake gun and the bullets for it. Oh, what a thrill the audience will get when I point the fake gun at it, and fire. On with the show! You don't have any cashiers there, so I drop a fifty dollar bill beside your register and go back to the car with my things. That surely ought to be enough.

When Yvonne is both awake and free of her headache, I surprise her with this stuff and my plans for it, and she agrees. She decides to invite our former friend, Julie, who betrayed us and helped our former friends, so we can really scare her. Surprisingly, Julie tells us that she's too busy with her classes, as she's entered college to become a musicologist and music historian, to attend our show. Yvonne calls her a scaredy cat and tells her that she's going to miss the dynamite dynamite. Julie counters that that's something worth missing.

We begin the show, only to be relieved of our dynamite by security. Someone, probably that louse, Julie, tipped the security off that we had it. That's the second time she's screwed us over by spoiling our fun. We'll never forgive her for what she did to us at Bandemonium. And what did she get for that? Erick and the Banshees, our former band now making it big, write and perform Thank you, Julie! Oh well, never mind.

I had the good sense to hide one of the sticks, and the fake gun, inside of a drum, so they didn't catch it, and since the grenade looks like a lemon, the guards didn't confiscate it. And the show went on. It was a big hit, but the audience began to get bored because they wanted us to destroy something.

So I lit up the stick of dynamite and put it inside of a gigantic foam man. It blew up, spraying foam everywhere, and the audience loved it. So while they were distracted and Yvonne kept singing, I pulled out the gun and the grenade.

I pointed the gun at the audience and gave my commands, and then shot and fired. But that wasn't a fake gun after all. Half the audience ended up dead before I dropped the gun.

Then things got worse, because when I dropped the gun, I also dropped the grenade and so it rolled, but the pin snagged on the gun and came off. After that, Yvonne unknowingly stepped on it, and there's no more Yvonne.

I'm left screaming, and before I can do anything else, the audience has mostly fled and the police have captured me.

Now I'm in jail and there's talk I'm going to face the chair! I don't want that! I don't deserve that! This is all your fault! Convincing people that they need to arm themselves to the hilt so they can be ready for anything!

I demand that you pay for my attorney, give me a billion dollars, help me get a record contract, and get me out of jail! If you don't, I have a few sticks of dynamite left at home that I was saving for the next show, and my brother will gladly get it and blow your business to bits! After he robs your till, that is. And then we'll go on social media and put all the blame for this where it belongs - on your store. You see, my brother will do anything I say because he knows that I know he's a thief at his job, and that if I tell his boss, his days at the bank he works for are all over. So I keep my mouth shut in return for him doing whatever I ask of him. It works out well.

So do yourself a favor. Give me money and get me out of here, or else!

Signed,

Donna Lotta Badthings.

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Badthings,

Pardon the pun, but sending us your letter will end up blowing up in your face. Admittedly, we did leave the door unlock, but even if you entered, you still trespassed and stole our inventory. Stealing our inventory is a violation of federal laws. We do not sell fake guns.

If your brother is Don Badthings, he may not be able to help you out. Not only did we alert the authorities about the location of the missing payload, we found out that your brother has been indicted on embezzlement charges. Since the embezzlement charges involves a bank, those are violations on federal law, too.

We will not help you. We will, however, help the prosecutor involved with your case. Give Satan my regards.

Sincerely,

Smith Wesson

-----

Dear Mudvayne,

I came across your video of "Happy?" I thought that it would be a fun song to play at my party. When I started playing it, I heard the most angry sounds coming from my speakers.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to incite our youth into rioting. If you get enough youths to destroy our cities, your masters will swoop in and take over. I will find evidence of your destructive agenda. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Noid,

If youths riot, it's on them. All we do is write and create music.

Sincerely,

Mudvayne



Dear Gas Station Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring my wife Virginia? All she did was light up a cigarette during the interview because you were asking her ridiculous questions. I demand you hire her and allow her to smoke all she wants. If you don't, my wife and I will smoke at the gas pumps every time we come to buy gas from you.

Sincerely,

Winston Newport

[Seanette]

Mr. Newport:

Your wife has been fired by two of my nieces for her outrageously reckless handling of her addiction to smoking. I'm really quite surprised she's not STILL dealing with legal issues from the daycare incident.

I have no desire to have my station explode or burn down, and I flatly refuse to deal with the walking liability lawsuit she would be as an employee.

Enclosed please find a copy of the restraining order you and your wife have by now been served with. Setting foot on my property will result in IMMEDIATE arrest, especially since the station is next door to the police station, and I'm on quite good terms with nearly everyone who works there (the others, I just don't know well yet).

N. Otto Happening
Owner, Friendly Gas Station

**********************

You jerks!

How dare you make me obey my contract and actually PAY BACK the loan I took out? I have better uses for that money, like partying and shopping.

STOP CALLING ME!

Princess Precious (that's what Mom and Dad call me, it MUST be true!)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Precious,

Your contract states that you need to pay back the money we lent you. If you don't, we will take legal action against you so I would suggest getting a lawyer.

Sincerely,

Bill Pay
Loan Manager



Dear State Court Judge,

Where do you get off sending me to a mental institution? All I did was attempt to jump out of my bedroom window because my best friend was just killed in a car accident. I demand you reverse your decision and give me a bottle of painkillers so I can join my friend. If you don't, I will go on the roof at the institution and jump off.

Sincerely,

Wanda Endmylife

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Endmylife,

The judge has informed us about your letter. The judges job is to determine if a person is a danger to herself or others. Thankfully, you survived your attempt. We have intentionally made it difficult for patients to have access to the roof for that reason. We will make sure you continue to take your antidepressants. We do not want to release you until you are no longer a threat to yourself.

Sincerely,

Dr. Jung Masters, Chief Physician, Cape Fear Institution for Mental Health

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Dear H. P. Lovecraft,

2016 is terrible. I decided that the only thing left was to call on Cthulhu to put an end to this farce once and for all. When I read your books and did all the incantations, nothing happened. Where is Cthulhu? Why isn't he ending things?

I demand that you either summon Chulhu or give me my money back.

Sincerely,

Wednesday Munster

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Munster,

First of all, congratulations on your marriage. I always thought you and Eddie would make a nice couple.

Secondly, sorry to disappoint you, but Cthulu is fictional. My stories are entirely fictional.

Third, whilst I agree that 2016 isn't turning out very well, destroying the world isn't the answer. Everybody's got to try to make it a much better place to live. This side of existence is even worse than yours, so don't be in a hurry to join me.

Best regards,
H. P. Lovecraft

* * *

Dear Belle's Boutique owner,

I can't believe your employees! The minute I came in the door, one said, "Welcome to Belle's Boutique! How may I help you?" I told her I was just looking and she backed off. Twenty minutes later, another employee asked if she could be of service. What, can't a body shop in peace?!

I demand that you retrain your employees to ignore and not bother the customers! I don't shop to interact with the teeming masses!

Sincerely,
Ann T. Social

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Social,

We train our employees on customer service so they can help customers. If you don't like that, feel free to shop online.

Sincerely,
Isabelle Boutique
Owner



Dear Driving Center Manager,

Where do you get off telling me I failed my driving test? All I did was ignore the stop signs, speed through the red lights, run the car into a building, and park on the sidewalk. I demand you give me a drivers license and allow me to drive however I want. If you don't, I will make a drivers license on my computer and drive my parents' extra car whenever I want.

Sincerely,

Miss Reckless

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Reckless,

If you can't drive safely, then you just plain can't drive. We're going to improve everyone else's safety by denying you a license. But we are going to send you a free vehicle that matches your abilities - a tricycle. By the way, we've sent a warning to the police about your intentions to forge a license, and there's a man who lurks around to rescue poor innocent cars from drivers who like to make fakes. Ta ta.

Sincerely,

Mr. N. O. Way.

Driving Center Manager.

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Dear You Will Learn Academy,

I wish to complain about your teacher, Dr. Shielder. She's completely mean to my son! Firstly, she gives him bad grades and has tried to bother me and my wife several times because she says he's not doing his work. What does she mean by that? My son says that he pays good money to the smartest girl in class, Hilda, to do his work for him. I couldn't be more proud. But Dr. Shielder says that when she noticed how many times my homework looked almost word for word like Hilda's, she talked to her and Hilda confessed to it all, saying my son forced her to do it. Of all the nerve. Just because Hilda's in a wheelchair and she claims my son threatened to push her down the ramp at a high speed if she wouldn't take his money to do his work. Slander! Now Dr. Shielder says my son's work is no good and he'll have to do it all over again, by himself.
And I'm furious that Dr. Shielder recommended suspending my son to the principal because she caught him, or so she claimed, bullying and beating up the scruffy, loathsome kid from the poor side of town who only got in because of some bleeding heart scholarship program. A waste of perfectly good money, educating the riff-raff. Have they no public schools? Have they no workhouses?
Last but not least, and I fully expect that you fire Dr. Shielder over this one; she confiscated my son's expensive phone! I paid a bundle for that! She told my wife over the phone that it was because my son wouldn't quit using it in class, texting rather than studying for the history exam like the other kids, because he insisted on playing music on it loudly, and, the reason she confiscated it in the first place, because he played Pokemon Go on it and walked, not just out of class, but into the street. She claims he would have been killed if she hadn't noticed him leaving the classroom and followed him, snatching him from the road just in time to save him from an oncoming freight truck!

I will have no excuses! I want this woman fired, my son automatically given the best grades, straight A+, Hilda to have to do his work for him, get rid of that poor moocher, and most importantly of all, give his cell phone back. Plus, you will refund every dime I spent on this school and a trillion dollars in damages for my son's emotional distress and my own, at being bothered by this teacher.

If you won't do what I command, I will hire private investigators who follow, examine, and humiliate Dr. Shielder and your entire faculty. Every little error, flaw, blunder, and mistake will become public knowledge on social media, and grounds for a lawsuit. And if that doesn't work, since I own a contracting company and have access to the equipment, I will sent a team of my men with a bulldozer to level your sorry excuse for a school to the ground in the middle of the day!

So if you know what's good for you, you'll fire that woman and make my son the practical prince of your school. And you'll give me a list of all the students and faculty so I can decide who will stay and who is to be tossed out.

Furiously yours,

Mr. X. Ample.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. X. Ample,

You may hire all the investigators you want, but every classroom and hallway is set up with video surveillance, and we have more than ample video evidence of your son's misbehavior.

Dr. Shielder is a fine teacher. She has a PhD in Education from Stanford University, is the mother of five outstanding citizens and has been teaching in our school for twenty years. Yours is the first complaint we have ever received about her; in fact, we have twenty years' worth of letters from satisfied parents and happy students praising her teaching skills.

Furthermore, the families of Hilda Wheelwright, Charlie Bucket and a dozen other students your son has bullied will be joining forces in a lawsuit against you and your son. We will be supplying the aforementioned video evidence to the plaintiffs. Hope you have a good lawyer.

In conclusion, may I recommend Shipshape Military Academy as a future school for your son? It is a first rate academy, guaranteed to take the worst troublemakers and turn them into decent human beings.

Regards,
Will Learn, principal and founder,
You Will Learn Academy

* * *

Dear Fros-T Mart,

I've been your customer for twenty years, and today I go in to buy a soda and found you bandits have raised the price by fifteen cents. That's highway robbery! How dare you rip the public off like that! Shame!

You bring your sodas back down to 75¢ or I'll go to the media and tell them how you're ripping everyone off!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Penny Pinching-Cheapskate

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Pinching-Cheapskate,

I am afraid to tell you that the price had to go up. Literally, my hand trembles as I write this letter to you. But I had no choice. Eventually, all costs go up. It is just a part of life. I'd kept them as low as I could for as long as I could, but with the prices of everything going up all around me, I had to raise the cost just a little per soda. If I did not, I might not be able to stay in business! Then what would you do?

I cannot stop you from going on to social media, but I would implore you to consider that the cost for that is going up, too. Or haven't you notice why your power bill is higher this month than it was last month for the same amount of power? At least, that's how my power bill seems to be here at Fros-T Mart.

Sincerely,

Ms. Call D. S. Ice.

Owner of Fros-T Mart.

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Constellation Mechanic Planetarium,

A twenty-five year-old girl in my college mythology class was having her birthday, and wanted to have it at your planetarium. Since you had something special going on anyway due to there being comets that were coming close to Planet Earth but were only going to harmlessly burn up in our atmosphere due to their small size, it seemed a win-win to combine the events. And the girl, Cassie O. Pia, invited her entire classroom to the planetarium party.

Well, everything is fine at the planetarium, first at the show and then at the birthday party in the planetarium's diner. Everyone had a wonderful time, except for me . . .

Your tour guide for the show, Sol, claimed I ran through the entire planetarium like a little brat and did not stop, despite being repeatedly told to slow down, until I crashed into an armillary sphere and destroyed it! I protest. That sphere was in my way and caused me to hurt my leg and stomach! I was in pain throughout the whole show.

Still, I tried to grin and bear it as we all walked into the room Sol led us to. He turned off the lights, turned on computers, and up above us was the entire solar system, moving around the sun. But he got it wrong! Yeah, we saw Mars and Venus and whatnot, but where was Dagobah? Where was Dantooine? What about Hoth? Endor? You didn't even have Tatooine! How can you not have Tatooine?

Sol pointed out all sorts of things, but I couldn't hear what because someone just kept talking over him, wanting to know where all the missing planets were and why he wasn't talking about Wookies and such. So why did Cassie demand I leave midway through it? Something about me talking too much about utter nonsense and that most of the class preferred to hear Sol talk us through what were seeing at the comet show. Then Beverly chimed in that I needed to learn to keep my hands to myself and that she did not approve of being grabbed from behind in a dark room.
Cassie said I should wait in the diner and everyone would meet back there when the show was over. Next thing I know, Sol starts the whole show over again without me!

It takes forever for them to get out and come to the diner, where I'm waiting for them. So in revenge, I open all Cassie's birthday presents, pick the best ones for myself and hide them in my car, and then rewrap all the lousy ones. It's only fair.

Except that, as Cassie is given her gifts from our professor and the rest of the students, including me, the professor notices something is wrong with his gift - it isn't what he gave her. He's sure of it. And several other people start grousing about how there's something wrong with the gifts. By the time the discussion starts getting heated, I stroll back to my car silently.

So why is everyone in the class treating me like a jerk? The professor won't even answer me when I want to ask him a question. Cassie avoids me like the plague, and when I tried to ask Beverly out a date, she slapped me in the face and told me she has a boyfriend and that she wouldn't go out with me if I were in a bag and she was dropping me into a dumpster!

And I'm banned from your planetarium as well!

This is outrageous! I demand a full refund on the money I paid, since I didn't get to see the show. And I demand money for my medical bills, not that I actually went to the hospital or anything after that unsafely put sphere got in my way!
And I want you to give me a free party on my birthday, inviting everyone but Cassie and replacing Sol with someone much nicer and prettier. Speaking of prettier, I want you to make Beverly date me.

If you won't, guess who's going to get slapped with a lawsuit for placing armillary spheres in people's way and for having inadequate security at your in-house diner? Besides, you have yet to include any of the planets I mentioned in your shows, have you? Honestly, everyone should sue you for complete and total misrepresentation.

Signed,

Mr. Baethan Boor.