I'm gonna need a ruling here...

[Jester]

...on how deeply my older sister just stepped in it.

There are plans afoot for most of the family to gather in Phoenix for my stepsister's birthday in a couple weeks. Her doctors say she is in good enough shape for the hour drive from her care center to the parents' house. She won't be able to stay long, and it is an hour ride back, but many of us are looking forward to it. And while Lil Sis can't make it, since airfares from London to Phoenix are not known for being cheap, it looks good that Step Bro, myself, and The Witch (my evil older sister) will make it there from our various locales. (NJ, Key West, and Denver, respectively.)

So The Witch texts me earlier tonight. "When can you talk Stepsister bday menu & schedule?"

So we start bouncing ideas back and forth, limited as we are by various people's likes, dislikes, and dietary restrictions, especially for the parents. (That last part will explain much of the discussion we had.) Then this exchange....

THE WITCH: "Not sure if coconut is on the heart friendly list or not. Oooh, if it is, I made this mango shrimp and coconut thing over rice. But it had some heat, but we can adapt."
THE WITCH: "I just made stromboli for dinner. Maybe we could do that with turkey or chicken sausage?"
THE WITCH: "Asswipe brother is threatening to come."

Interesting. Kinda wondering if that is a shot at Step Bro, or she was texting someone else about me. Decided to play it cool.

JESTER: "Stromboli without garlic? Intriguing.

I would think coconut would be heart friendly, but I don't know.

Which asswipe brother is this?"

Not a peep for a good 40 minutes. So who knows what she meant, who she meant it about, or who she was texting. Personally, I'm ready to tell her to go fuck herself. But I am enjoying the idea of her squirming, going "Oh, shit...that wasn't supposed to go to him!" Then, this...

THE WITCH: "How many are there?"
JESTER: "Dunno. Kinda depends on who you're talking to and who you're talking about, doesn't it?"
THE WITCH: "Stepsister's brother."
JESTER: "Yes, her bday, her bro. Makes sense to me."
THE WITCH: "Except he dickhead."
JESTER: "Lovely, [Name]. Lovely. And silly me, I thought this whole shindig was for Stepsister."
THE WITCH: "It is."
JESTER: "Then your opinion of him is irrelevant, isn't it?"

Still not sure if she was talking to me about him, or meant to be texting someone else about me. Either way, kinda shows you the crap I have to deal with with this woman.

Haven't heard back from her from that last text yet, but I'm debating whether or not to tell her that the reason Step Bro would be able to come is because I asked a favor of my best friend, who works for an airline, to get him a Super Cheapo Friend of Employee Rate, which she extends to me without problem, but for which I have never asked her for anyone else, since everyone and their brother's uncle's cousin's dog's secret Santa is always asking her for said cheap fares, and she only has a limited number to give out.

In any case, debating whether to tell The Witch that Step Bro's presence would be pretty much completely my doing.

Though I'm still not convinced she's not trying to save face, and was actually talking about me in a text meant for someone else.

Opinions on the matter?
And an over/under on how long it takes before the desert is rife with various expletives being hurled around between residents of Florida, Colorado, and New Jersey early next month?

[mathnerd]

I'm not sure, but I am going to go grab some popcorn and maybe a good rum drink and enjoy the show.

[Jester]

It damn well better be a GOOD rum drink, and not swillish rum and cola, woman!

[mathnerd]

You know better than that! I believe we decided that a rum runner on the rocks was a suitable drink. I don't know, I was pretty blitzed by then.

[Pixilated]

I dunno, although the profound silence you mentioned did suggest you weren't supposed to see that text, for whatever reason.

Your final sentence reminds me why we avoided holding family get-togethers no matter what. It's just too embarrassing when the SWAT teams start rappelling out of choppers to restore order.

I'm not sure, but I am going to go grab some popcorn and maybe a good rum drink and enjoy the show.

Yeah, gonna go get out my popcorn maker too ... although I'll pass on the rum drink.

[Jester]

You know better than that! I believe we decided that a rum runner on the rocks was a suitable drink. I don't know, I was pretty blitzed by then.

Without question, a rum runner on the rocks is suitable. Hell, I would have accept a lesser drink, such as Flor de Cana 7 and coconut water (which is surprisingly awesome, by the way).

Your final sentence reminds me why we avoided holding family get-togethers no matter what. It's just too embarrassing when the SWAT teams start rappelling out of choppers to restore order.

And therein lies the difference between your family and mine.

The SWAT team is terrified of The Witch, and would never consider intruding on any such event if she were there.

You think I'm kidding, but an entire hurricane was too scared of her to fuck with her wedding. (Floyd in 1999.)Despite doing massive damage to the east coast for the two days prior, it cleared out on her wedding day, leaving nothing but beautiful weather. And I should note, it was an outdoor wedding with no backup indoor plan.

Yeah, gonna go get out my popcorn maker too ... although I'll pass on the rum drink.

I don't understand...what does "pass on the rum drink" mean?

[hinakiba777]

Rum and Buttery Popcorn! Perfect!

Honestly, she did really step in it. I mean, if you are the only person she texted and expressed this concern to, i'm not really sure how bad it will be. Oh, I hope she does not ruin your step sister's birthday.

Interested to see how it all plays out.

[Jester]

I hope she does not ruin your step sister's birthday.

She won't, for the very simple reason that I will NOT allow her to. And I'll be sending her a succinct text to that effect later today. I mean, if she can't put her feelings about Step Bro aside for the lousy 48 hours they'll be near each other for the stake of our stepsister, she'd be doing everyone a favor by just staying the fuck in Denver.

Neither my stepsister nor my mother deserve or need any stress such a conflict would cause. And as my stepfather and I see eye to eye on this kind of shit, and on her and her penchant for drama, she really has no allies here. She's woefully outnumbered by people who Won't Take Shit, and unlike my mother, we won't just lay down and let her steamroll over us.

The more I think about this, the madder I get.

[yeahwhatev]

You've given her rope, she has declined to hang herself with it. At this point, you have to say to yourself "what am I trying to accomplish?" You are not trying to play peacemaker between siblings. You are not trying to change the opinion of your older sister (whether the comment was about or your stepbrother.) You have gone out of your way to make a family gathering inclusive and fun. The issue is a comment you got as a text message that may or may not have been about you.

Seems to me that you are looking to call her out on being nasty, no matter who it was about. Whether it was about you or your stepbrother, you have made your opinion about that pretty clear with the comment "Then your opinion of him is irrelevant then."

Are you looking to confront this woman in hopes she behaves better, or are you just angry and willing to argue over the comment? It seems to me that you are trying to control yourself and losing the battle bit by bit. Ask yourself : "What would I accomplish by continuing this?"

I have fought these types of battles before, and they always ends with bile and drama, never EVER had someone with an attitude problem own up to bad behavior and STFU like they should.

If you feel confronting your sister would result in less drama, you might want to drop the pretense and just do it. Giving her room to apologize or own up to the issue hasn't worked, and does not sound like it ever would.

Personally? I would simply lay it down like this: "Sister I have been thinking about the {asswipe} comment you made, and it's bugging me. I don't need a full blown debate, excuses, or a list of reasons why you hate this, that or the third of it. Just understand that the family will be at Stepsister's house for HER. Drama, attitudes and other issues WILL be left outside. This is not negotiable, debatable, or open for interpretation. See you then."

Then just leave it. You will not change people by text conversations. They will do as they do. Warn her that BS will not be tolerated and go from there. If you want to start a full blown argument over a slip of the text, go for it. It sounds to me like she's an opinionated ass and will never change. I stopped trying to educate people like that decades ago, it's wasted effort. All you can do is deflect them.

[Jester]

I see your points, and if this were a normal family get together, you would be right. However, it isn't. As some people here probably remember (and others may not realize), a few years ago, Stepsister was found unresponsive, taken to the hospital, and was in a catatonic coma for seven months. Since most such situations resolve themselves in a month, at that point, one doctor told my stepfather that, for Stepsister to regain any meaningful brain function would take a miracle. That was just before Father's Day. ON Father's Day, she spoke. Meaningful words, sentences, thoughts. You know....stuff that takes meaningful brain function.

Now, she still has some brain damage, though how much is unclear. She is still in a care facility, and while she is not the Stepsister we know, she is still Stepsister. This birthday, while not her first field trip, will be her first where she will be going to a place familiar to her (the parents' house) and be surrounded by people she knows (the parents, her husband, her son, me, The Witch, Stepbrother), as opposed to going for therapy or to another doctor.

My objection to The Witch's behavior is not because she is acting like a domineering bitch. She's been doing that her whole life. My objection, and one I am going to make abundantly (but calmly) clear to her is that for this event, there is no way she will be allowed to stress out Stepsister or Mom (who is 78 and has enough stress in her life).

I will be polite and restrained and calm in my words. As much as I would like to tell her, "If you even think of doing that, I will make your life a living fucking hell!", what I am more likely to tell her--and I'm working on the wording to make it as non-inflammatory but still firm and resolute as possible--is something along the lines of, "Look, everyone in the family appreciates what you're doing with this event and how much you've done for Stepsister. But this event is about her. So while I understand your annoyance with Step Bro, I want to make it clear that no stressing of Stepsister or Mom because of any drama between the two of you will be tolerated. This is not a suggestion or a request. This event is for Stepsister. Let's keep it that way."

Even worded like that, I know not everyone will agree with my choices here. And that's fine. You are entitled to your opinion, and your suggestion to just let it play out may be the wiser one. But this woman is coming up on 50, and if she cannot act like an adult for the 48 hours she will have to deal with Step Bro, I WILL step in.

She's pushed people around her whole life, and this is one weekend where it will not be tolerated. You may think me unwise or even foolish, but I simply cannot and will not let that happen.

Bullies should not be tolerated, and I certainly won't let one cause problems for my mother or stepsister, simply because she happens to be my sister.

[Sunshine]

You know her best, being related and all. I think your idea of taking her aside and telling her to stifle the drama makes sense. Good luck...now where is my popcorn....* wanders off to hunt it down*

[yeahwhatev]

Jester, using Diplomacy for a difficult person is simply a good idea. There are times to draw battle lines and times to retreat. You describe a delicate situation. Your stepsister needs the family more than you need to be right, so what you just described is a damn good compromise. Keep it polite, above board, if (or until) things degenerate, take the issues outside and deal with them.

[Seshat]

I agree. It sounds like The Witch needs to have the rules of the event laid down for her.

That said, I don't think letting The Witch know that you are the reason StepBrother can attend will contribute to laying down the rules of the event.

Keep your goal firmly in mind for the duration of all interactions with The Witch, and I think you'll do fine.

[Pixilated]

Agree with yeahwhatev and Seshat. Definitely warn her, cordially, ahead of time about the consequences of any drama, and be prepared to deal with any should it arise.

But DON'T tell her you're the reason StepBrother is attending.

Well, at least until the event is over.

[Jester]

I don't think letting The Witch know that you are the reason StepBrother can attend will contribute to laying down the rules of the event.

Yeah, I've pretty much come to that conclusion myself.