I'm gonna need a ruling here...

[lordlundar]

That should suffice Jester. It's polite yet stresses that drama will not be tolerated. The only thing I would add would be "If you can't prevent yourself bringing up drama, leave before it happens."

[Jester]

What I was actually going to say was something to the effect of, if she can't be an adult for the 48 hours she has to deal with Step Bro, she should just stay the fuck in Denver. Though I think I said something like that already in this thread.

Sue me. I had a long shit at work, and I've been drinking since.

[Jay 2K Winger]

I had a long shit at work, and I've been drinking since.

Man. You have the best job.



j/k not really you do have the best job

[Jester]

As I think most of you know, that should have read "long SHIFT at work," not long shit.

[mathnerd]

I dunno. It could have been either one of them....

And, just in case I've never told you this, Jester, you really are an amazing person. Not many people would go to these lengths for even a regular sibling, let alone a step sibling. You are just plain awesome.

[Jester]

Thanks. But my stepsister is amazing. And my older sister....well....

I often tell people that of myself and my two sisters, I am the quiet and mellow one. Most people laugh, as I am neither quiet nor mellow. And they think I'm joking. But, compared to my sisters, I AM quiet and mellow. Especially compared to my older sister.

A while back we had a family gathering, and I brought along a friend of mine. Said friend knew Lil Sis from high school, but had never met my older sister. After we left the parents' house and were driving back to my friend's place, she turned to me in the car.

HER: "By the way, I'm sorry."
ME: "Great! Now....why?!?"
HER: "All these years, I thought you were exaggerating about [Older Sister]. But if anything, you were understating it."

More recently, when talking to my best friend (who knows the whole family) about getting a buddy pass for Step Bro, she said, "For Step Bro, no problem. For Lil Sis, I'd have to think about it. For The Witch, HELL no!"

Don't get me wrong. The Witch is not purely an evil monster. She has some good traits, and can be a great person. She is amazing in the kitchen, cares greatly for her friends, will go over and above to help someone out, and is about the best person in the world if you want something to Get Done. (As long as you don't mind who she steamrolls in the process, that is.) But when she gets into Domineering Bitch Mode, or Drama Queen Mode, she is simply unbearable. One of HER friends told me a little while back that, while she loves her, she was glad The Witch lived in Denver. The friend in question lives in New York. The math is not tough to do.

Mom told me on the phone last night that she doesn't see The Witch causing any problems. And while I agree that it would be unlikely for her to cause any issues while Stepsister is there, to expect her to be that way the entire couple days seems to defy reality and history. As I said to Mom, "Are we talking about the same woman here?"

I look forward to cooking with The Witch. But the idea of dealing with her histrionics outside of the kitchen has my skin crawling already.

[dalesys]

You can always bump start her broom and call her Black Aliss...

[Jester]

Honestly, she reminds me more of Lucy Van Pelt. Not just because she often acts like her, but because she actually bears a strong physical resemblance to her. So it shouldn't be a shock that I strongly identify with Linus.

[Jester]

So I've had time to think and to relax a bit. And to make sure that Step Bro was indeed coming. No need to say anything about a situation that won't even be. Well, he is.

So, in a reply I just sent to The Witch regarding the menus over the few days all of us will be gathered (she and I will once again be cooking together, which may be the only time we'll truly get along), I addressed the issue. And I did so in response to her question, in the same email as her thoughts on the menus, as to whether not I knew if Step Bro would be going.

After commenting on each of the menu ideas she had brought up, I addressed her last point, that very question. In essence, it read:

"Regarding [Step Bro], yes, he will be coming. Which brings me to my final point. While I and everyone else appreciate all you've done for [Stepsister], and all you'll be doing on this trip for her and everyone else, whatever personal issues you have with [Step Bro] need to be left behind in [Your City]. This will be neither the time nor the place for any kind of personal grudges or fights, no matter how much you may feel it is justified. To be blunt, I will not tolerate you causing [Stepsister] or Mom any stress whatsoever. You have issues with [Step Bro]? Fine. As an adult, you should have no problem keeping them to yourself for the short time you two will be interacting. I want to be clear on this: this is neither a suggestion nor a request.

So, back to the menus....any other ideas you've come up with? Any thoughts on my suggestions?"

I think I was clear, to the point, diplomatic, and very much making the point that this was not up for negotiation.

Thoughts?

[mathnerd]

I think the message was perfect.

[Sunshine]

I agree..succinct and to the point

[Jester]

And she took it very well.

And by "very well" I mean the equivalent of a rabid raccoon protecting her young against a perceived vicious threat. Or Lindsay Lohan walking into an intervention. Or Fred Phelps wandering into a gay pride parade. Yeah, she took it really well.

Moments after I sent her that email, I got a text from her on my phone. The first part was a rather pleasant comment regarding the menu discussion, including a rather comedic musing about how three very culinarily adventurous people could have been produced by someone as staid and self-limiting in their tastes as our mother. And then, this:

"And about your heavy handed dictatorness. Just remember I'm not the one who caused a screaming match over a pasta salad and a strong drink so fuck off in the one who invited him. I'm already the most grown up in this regard. With or without all I've done for this family I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. Maybe you oughta look in the mirror and keep the drama in Florida. End of discussion."

Alrighty then!

Well, let's see. I remember a minor disagreement about a pasta salad recipe that resulted in exactly no screaming, even from her. I have no idea what she's talking about with the strong drink. I very much DO remember her being unbelievably rude and brazenly interrupting a magic act I was doing at the dinner table after the meal at the request of the rest of the family. This was not me showing off, but merely acquiescing to several other people asking me to perform. And everyone, even our mother who will always try to downplay any strife amongst her children, said afterwards that her actions were beyond rude.

I resisted the urge to text back, "Yes, you're clearly the grown up here." I typed it out, don't get me wrong, but thought better of it. I was both amused and annoyed by her words, especially her bristling at someone else's "dictatorness." This from a woman who's acted the dictator (or "the Princess," as she prefers to refer to herself) her entire domineering life. The irony would have been delicious had it not been so aggravating. Hell, were I not trying to prevent drama, were there not a family function impending, I would have blatantly laughed at her, and taken great joy in pointing out the irony in her words.

But I didn't. I checked myself, deleted the text I almost sent, and tried to compose a calm, rational, snark-free reply:

"Look, I am trying to keep the peace. Nothing more, nothing less. If my looking out for the stress level of [Stepsister] and Mom is dictatorial to you, so be it. And your opinion of him is, at the risk of repeating myself, irrelevant in this case."

HER: "Check your tone at the door."
ME: "Amusingly, that's exactly what I've been saying to you."

And that is where we stand currently.

My apologies to those of you that have waded through the drama. I hope your boots were deep and thick.

Feel free to tell me what you think, even if it's that I'm dead wrong. But know this....her reaction to Step Bro coming has been so acidic and antagonistic, I felt I could for just sit by and wait for her to go into Super Bitch Mode on him, at a gathering that is supposed to be for and about Stepsister, not her. I've tried to keep things calm and rational, but she's taken the tack that it's unreasonable for me to ask or expect her to act like a reasonable adult.

I may need a bigger cooking pot......

[mathnerd]

The dictator types are always the first to assign blame to others and the last to admit their own faults. I think you're being polite and to the point, avoiding name-calling an foul language. How she reacts is entirely her own fault. I also think that it's probably best if you leave it where it stands, and not respond if she tries to escalate. You've done unbelievably well with a very difficult personality. I'm impressed.

[BroSCFischer]

I say, well done Jester.

Especially the last second second thought on the retaliatory text.

The question now is, what are you going to do when she starts something? I mean, if you have to literally drag her away from the situation, wouldn't that up the anxiety levels more?

Especially since, from your description of her, she seems the type to kick, scream and struggle against anyone who would try to get her to settle down/remove her from the conflict.

Might be a good idea to have an escape plan worked out, in advance. Maybe, if she starts something, the "ushers" (you, step-dad, etc.) could escort everyone from the scene of the conflict, and obstruct the path of the instigator.

SC

[Jester]

The question now is, what are you going to do when she starts something?

If she starts something, I'll end it. There will be no screaming, yelling, or carrying on, and I will not let myself get baited. I will remain calm, and I will absolutely end anything she starts that could possibly cause stress to Mom or Stepsister.