Death of the Jester....

[Deserted]

To me, the funeral/wake/etc is for the living.

THIS. The dead person almost certainly doesn't care about what happens to their body.

My family has a tradition of throwing one hell of a party to celebrate a recently-dead person's life. (The kind of party that involves lots of drinking, an occasional fight, and, who knows, maybe a police visit or two. Just like the rest of the family parties. )

Also, I'm reminded of what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, as quoted in Zen Pencils #1.

[Android Kaeli]

I'm the odd one in the family. If I can possibly have it done, I want my body to donated to science be it a body farm, lab, or whatever, with any organs that are usable to be donated. Should donating my body to science not be possible, I'm going to be cremated with no service, no obit, no nothing -- I don't even want a damn wake. I made sure that my wishes on this matter are understood.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I keep trying to get my mother to agree to let the body farms take her when she's gone. We live pretty close to two of them, and they'd find her skeletal deformities just fascinating. No luck yet, though, and that's odd. For someone as ghoulish as she is, you'd think she's jump at the chance.

[AnaKhouri]

I've always thought the Tibetan Sky Burial was a beautiful thing. But here in America it is certainly illegal

I want to buried in a pine box, no embalming, with a limestone head stone. The box will rot, the insects and worms will do their good work, and eventually even the stone will wear smooth.

We are meant to disappear.

I want to be useful after my death- if not to feed vultures, then to fertilize the soil as it should be. The cycle strikes me as a thing of beauty. I would like a tree planted on top of me, so my skeleton will be cradled in the roots of a tree. My husband will be beside me, also with a tree, so the branches can mingle.

The thought of spending eternity in a sealed lead casket, not even allowed to decompose properly, makes me sick to my stomach.

[cindybubbles]

Of course, I'm not going anywhere just yet. I do know that I want to die like my father, who went quietly in his sleep, and not like his passengers, who were screaming the whole way.

Was that true? I ask because true or not, I find that funny. I hope you are not offended.

[AnaKhouri]

That's an old joke I'd forgotten all about it until now. I believe Jester's father passed from an illness.

[CorneliaMarieRocks]

you know you can choose a casket that is not sealed right? the ones you're talking about are called 'protective' caskets, those types have a rubber gasket that supposedly is there to protect against decomp. that's what you're referring to

also agree with those who have said the dead person doesn't know/or care, "absent from the body, at home with Lord"

wiser words were never spoken than those of my dad.."death comes to all of us"

[AnaKhouri]

Pine box is good enough or even just a shroud. Or not even a shroud, straight into the dirt. I don't want anyone spending a bunch of cash on my lifeless body. Hell, I was OK with being butchered and eaten by vultures!

[Jester]

Was that true? I ask because true or not, I find that funny. I hope you are not offended.

Of course I'm not offended. I'm the one who made the joke about my own dead father, remember?

As for whether or not it's true, of course it is. Or isn't. You decide.

Perhaps he actually died in a horrific roller coaster derailment accident. Or maybe he was eaten by a llama.

Trampled in a giraffe stampede? Slowly tortured to death with a million paper cuts? Eaten by cannibalistic Greenlanders? Lost at sea on a floating chess table? Stoned to death at a rock concert? Succumbed to hidden toxins in his Brylcreem? Trumped to death in a horrible Bridge collapse?

I got my sense of humor largely from my father, though my mother is not completely free of blame in this regard. He would appreciate the above humor. Especially the last one. Of course, if you're wondering how he really died, I think I'll let you decide for yourself. Because in the end, does it really matter? And why let the truth get in the way of a good story?

[KhirasHY]

My funeral instructions are fairly complex...I revise this plan every few years, but here is the current plan for when I die:

One, the casket will have a closed lid, but people will be encouraged to open it and say goodbye to me. This is because my hand will be glued to the inside of the lid, so when they open it, I will appear to be helping. I also want the creepiest grin possible locked on my face, just to let people know I care.

Two, my casket is on a wheeled platform with an engine connected to a remote control. No one over the age of 10 is allowed to use the remote, nor can anyone interfere with the use of the remote. When my casket/platform moves, it will play the Benny Hill theme, and the entire procession has to follow my body around. If this means the eulogy is delivered in the bathroom, so be it.

Three, I want a piñata at my funeral.

Four, after the service, my casket will be loaded up; the glue must be dissolved, so I can be removed from the casket. As the service continues, and my casket is lowered into the ground, the lid will open to reveal I'm not inside. I must then be loaded into a catapult, and launched into the hole.

If the catapult misses, the entire service has to start over from the beginning.

After however many tries this takes, just as people are getting ready to leave, my casket will be unloaded from the ground. If anyone asks why, they will be informed that I am to be cremated, as per my wishes.

If anyone leaves my funeral without cursing my name, I will be disappointed.

[Jester]

Two, my casket is on a wheeled platform with an engine connected to a remote control. No one over the age of 10 is allowed to use the remote, nor can anyone interfere with the use of the remote. When my casket/platform moves, it will play the Benny Hill theme, and the entire procession has to follow my body around. If this means the eulogy is delivered in the bathroom, so be it.

Oh, this is hilarious. And the only thing I've ever heard of that would make me ever want a casket.

[Jester]

Speaking of funerals (and what fun Sunday night wouldn't involve such discussions?), my friend the lawyer knows that she will be the executor of my will, whenever I finally get off my ass and draw up said will. Why is she the executor? Not because she is a lawyer, oh no. But because what makes her such a good lawyer would make her an excellent executor: her ability to be coldly efficient. In other words, she will follow my instructions to the letter, and not give a shit if anyone gets their panties in a bind, and not let her own emotions interfere with her duties as executor. And yes, when I told her this (or some variant thereof), she took it as the compliment it was intended.

There's a reason we've been friends so long. (Since 1985, for anyone wondering.)

[Kal]

Not a clue for my own funeral, but I do have a funny story about my gran's one. She was cremated but the gravedigger didn't realise this and dug out a full-sized hole then covered most of it over with artificial grass (they use it on the mound of earth so the cemetary looks nice). The vicar was halfway through the funeral service when he stepped back slightly and disappeared from view, right down the hole. Most memorable funeral that I've been to, although the one where my cousin's hand-pushed hearse escaped down the hill to the cemetary with everyone chasing it would have been better if I'd only been there to see it.

[dalesys]

I told my daughter I was to be cremated and to put my ashes in the cat box. What I didn't tell her was...
1) I'll supply the box.
2) It will have a voice recognition module
3) When it identifies her mother's voice...
4) It will play the best of 2 Live Crew.

[Fudgethatkay]

My friend is already supposed to show up at my funeral in a grim reaper costume. He's also over 6'10"....so it will be hilarious.

I dunno if I am going to be buried or cremated yet, but if the service is held in the united states, people are ordered to party. Be sad before, and maybe after....but during my funeral/memorial service no tears unless you find something to do to make people laugh that hard.