I can't deal with this any more...

[protege]

Last night, things hit home a bit. I was over at my mom's, helping her move a few things upstairs, when I wandered into my old bedroom. Up until recently, my dad had used it as his office. With his departure, the room has been slowly clearing itself out. His computer (I hated that piece of shit!) is gone, along with his favorite chair, coffee mugs, and other items.

Up until then, it didn't seem real. It was very much a bad dream. Now...things suck

All of the pictures are gone, with the exception of some family photos...and some things that mysteriously "disappeared" one afternoon. Namely, the framed Eagles concert poster, and his Vietnam stuff. My mom said I could take the poster, mostly because I'd given it to him, and she knew I'd spent a bit for it. My brother got the Vietnam stuff, because he had been considering joining the Navy. As for the family photos, his not taking (or asking for) them, doesn't really surprise me.

He's cut himself off from everyone. Other than some cryptic texts, I haven't really heard from him since July. He wants nothing to do with us. I can understand not wanting to talk to my mom. I get that. But, to ignore your kids? However, my one brother has been hauling crap over to his place, and he's said that dad has been acting more and more bizarre.

Things like the windows--even the ones in the basement--being covered over, objects in the garage being covered with plastic, that sort of thing. He noticed the garage items, when he wasn't even allowed to bring the "last load" of crap over last weekend. He found it odd that he wasn't even allowed inside, and was told to leave things in the garage

We think he's had some sort of meltdown. There is a history of mental issues on that side of the family. Hell, all of them were pretty fucked up in the head, and never got any sort of help...so the issues just sort of stayed there. Now dad's in his 70s, and has developed a sort of alternate reality.

Call me cold, but I told my mother than I'm not dealing with that shit. The only person he'll listen to, is my aunt. She can deal with the drama and the mental issues. I'm done with it.

[protege]

...and the bullshit continues!

Seems my dad has been spewing even more lies. I mean, did you know that his "kids are OK with it," he has a "close relationship" with us, and we hate our mother? All bullshit. Everyone knows differently. They all know that we're NOT OK with what he's doing, we've had no contact with him in months, and we're all supporting our mom. It's gotten to the point, that even long-term friends are starting to want to strangle him. I mean, would you really want to be around someone who constantly lies...and bitches about the situation that THEY caused?

At least I got a good zinger in last month. I'd heard through the grapevine that Grandma's house had sold. Being a smartass, descended from a *long* line of smartasses, I couldn't help but text this: "I heard that Grandma's house has finally sold. Are you going to spread the wealth with your sons?" I wasn't counting on a response. No, I was trying to call him out and piss him off at the same time. What was he going to do, yell at me

Why was I going to call him out? Simple. He's sitting on a huge nest egg right now. A nest egg, that should have been used to pay bills. Instead, he chose to hide it in his retirement accounts. All those years that my mom was working her ass off to keep the lights on, the heat on, food in our bellies...and he fucked around at shit jobs. That is, if he was even working at all.

In fact, I have a feeling that's why he left her. He knew that he'd have to start using his retirement funds, that he'd be getting an inheritance, and wanted to screw her over one last time. All of his health problems, his mom's death, his favorite aunt's death--all made for a convenient cover story.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs you* I wish he wasn't like this. There's nothing I can really do for you, but I wish there were.

[protege]

Thanks, I appreciate that.

[protege]

Found out earlier today that my dad is on vacation. That bastard is down in the Caribbean, enjoying his nest egg...and my mom is struggling to pay the bills. He's walked away from his family, wants nothing to do with us, forcing my mother to fulfill the obligations on their joint debt.

[protege]

Yet another update about the bullshit going on down the street...

Right now, I have no idea where my dad is. After his mom's house was sold and he moved, he got a P.O. box somewhere in the city. Before that, he claimed to be living with a "friend" somewhere north of town. Why you'd live up there...and get a box tied to a zip code 25 miles away (inside the city somewhere), I have no idea. Well, I do have an idea--he's trying to be sneaky.

Then I find out last week, that he and my brother went out to dinner at a certain German-themed restaurant on the city's South Side. He'd tried to do that before Christmas, because he supposedly had something to tell us. That fell apart, because he decided to go to his sister's instead, and had no intention of actually showing up. Anyway, my brother met him there, and he was behaving a bit odd.

Odd would be "normal" for him. No, he was being very evasive with my brother. No straight answers as to where he was living or what he was doing. He did hint that he was living with a woman. "Living with" meaning that he's sponging off of her--if this is true--and not doing a damn thing. Standard M.O., in other words.

What's troubling about all of this, is how he can legally walk away from his obligations. That is...the house and the home equity loan. A loan, that was taken out to educate his dumb ass. That is, my dad went back to school in the 1990s. He walked, but my mother still has to make payments on it...and any bills regarding the house.

We're all worried, because if he gets served with divorce papers, he might try to force her to sell the house. If that happens, after they split the proceeds, pay off the loan...she'll end up homeless. Why? What little cash she'll have left, will be a pittance. Mom's retired, and simply doesn't have the cash. She used the money her mom left her (Grandma died in 2010) to pay bills. She's nearly 70 and it's too late for her to start over

So far, 2016 can suck it.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

That blows big time, to say the very least. Most especially for your Mom, who gets stuck holding the bag, in a manner of speaking.

If she does end up having to sell the home, does she have anyone to go live with? Could she live with you for a time or one of your brothers? It seems as if she's in a financial corner and the only out may be for her to sell off the house and pay off the loans.

As for your Dad's behavior, he's got a lot going on under the hood . . . but if he is shacking up with another woman, at least he's someone else's problem for now until she either a) wises up or b) gets fed up w/his sponging.


Reminds me of Mom's last divorce (mid 90's - Kenny was 21 years younger than her, BTW.) He walked out and moved in w/the girl he was having an affair with (who left her husband to be w/Kenny.) Mom warned her he'd only do to her the same thing that was being done to her - Other Woman laughed it off.

Ten years later, we heard Kenny had walked out on her, their home that they bought together (along w/the his and hers Harleys, jet skis and ATV's) had to be sold off and debts paid (they were in debt up to their eyeballs keeping up with the Joneses) and had yet another woman on the side he left for (wife #3 is his former aunt-by-marriage, whom he allegedly had a relationship with when he was 14 years old and she was pregnant by his uncle.)

Karma eventually comes and bites us all in the ass in one way or another. It will bite your Dad when he least expects it. He may be living high off the hog off that nest egg, but it will eventually run out. And he will be back to square one when that happens.

As for your Mom, just be there for her and you (and your brothers) need to help her figure out what her next move will be. She may not have a choice but to sell off the house, so she'll probably need to figure out where she's going to lay her head down at night.

Your Mom does not deserve this crap that's happening to her. But if she can get through the divorce and property settlement, she will hopefully find something she hasn't had in years . . . peace.

[Tama]

Karma eventually comes and bites us all in the ass in one way or another. It will bite your Dad when he least expects it. He may be living high off the hog off that nest egg, but it will eventually run out. And he will be back to square one when that happens.

The prodigal son comes to mind...

[MoonCat]

Has your mom seen a lawyer to see if there's anything she can do about your dad's school debt? Also to ask whether your dad would actually legally be able to force her to sell the house?

[protege]

From what she's said, things don't look good. Friday, the paperwork was filled out about the house and loan. Mom wants the house, and her part of the loan. However, according to PA law, that might not happen. She'll get her part of the loan...but my dad could force her to sell the house as part of the settlement. Bullshit, since he hasn't lived there since March, and hasn't paid a dime towards it. Instead, he's tried to have mail misdirected or delayed outright. It can't be proven, but it wouldn't surprise me. I mean, he does have a P.O. box so nobody knows where he is now.

Ideally, he'd simply sign over his share of the house, pay off the loan in its entirety (after all, his dumb ass was the recipient of it), and then fuck off down to Maryland. He can go down there, live with his half-sister, and she can deal with the crazy.

As if that wasn't enough, at least one of my brothers has thought about changing his name. I can't blame him for that. Why? My dad's family has done jack shit for us over the years...other than leaving us with a Norwegian last name that people have been fucking up for centuries

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs protege* Sending prayers to you and your mom and family.

[protege]

Oh, and it gets better! Not.

Thursday night, I was down at my mom's working on her computer. She's picked up some stupid virus, and I was in the middle of fixing it. That's when she dropped a bombshell. Or rather, a nuke.

Apparently, a good friend of hers...finally found out where the bastard is living. Sure, he's "north of the city," but he's not alone. Previously, he'd quit every activity he was into, and had told everyone that he was moving down to Virginia to live with his sister. That's what we all thought, until someone at the Irish group (which my dad once performed with) let it slip that he'd been living with a woman.

A woman, who had lost her husband about the same time that Grandma died. She's rather frosty, so it was surprising that dad had moved in with her. So now we know where the bastard is.

But, it gets better. Remember how my parents are just "separated" and not divorced? Yep, my mom is documenting everything...and it will get forwarded to the attorney.

As for dad and his bird? They're perfect for each other. Perfect idiots, that is--her for letting him sponge off her ass...and him for being himself.

[protege]

Still no idea where he is, other than somewhere north of the city. But, I do know that he has been spotted holding hands with his "girlfriend." They are living together, and have been attending Irish club events together.

As of now, my youngest brother hasn't seen his dad in well over a year. No contact at all. Dad's excuse is that he doesn't want to "stop by the house" because my mother would be there. Really? You haven't stopped by my place or my other brother's place either. Pretty sad that he doesn't want anything to do with any of his kids. My mom, I can understand staying away. But your kids? What the fuck?

Other than the occasional "like" or comment on Facebook, I haven't heard from him at all. He's been posting a lot of Hillary crap lately, and I tend to hide it. Of course the smartass in me wants to post that I'd vote for her, just to send him over the edge

But seriously, I've been slowly remembering what an abusive prick he really was--the things he's said, how he's acted, and other things. Things that had been hidden deep in my mind for decades. Imagine never being praised for anything--no "I'm proud of you" for example. No, it was constant criticism, put downs and other bullshit.

Then there were his anger issues. Several of my toys and models were destroyed in a fit of rage. For example, I was out on the patio working on my models. Next thing I know, he's flipped out, the table went flying...destroying whatever I was working on Similar story with a plastic A-Team Corvette. That was hurled at me for some reason. No idea what went down, other than the toy hit my bedroom wall and shattered. Then I got yelled at for the mark on the wall

No sense in telling my mom, since he'd just lie about it. I mean, he actually punched me in the back as hard as he could...because I'd dented the rather cheap paneling in the basement one night. How? My brother and I were playing with the Tonka trunks, and mine hit the wall. Next morning, he came into my bedroom and punched me. 5-6 years old, and I had to deal with that. I screamed, my mom came in and saw the welt on my back. Dad lied right to her face about it.

She really had no idea what he was like--we've had to keep our mouths shut for the better part of 40 years. As much as I'd like to rip him a few new assholes, I can't even do that. With the divorce not finalized yet (he wants to settle, but can't be bothered to actually talk to his lawyer), we're afraid he'll take it out on our mother.

His anger is probably why we're not in a hurry to settle down and get married. They say that abuse tends to run in families--I actually fear that I'll become the monster that my dad was.

One of my projects is to try and digitize the family photos, slides, and other items. It's taking a lot longer than it really should. My slide scanner can only handle 3 at a time...and I have to quit after a bit. Knowing what I've been through, the smiling faces on certain relatives tend to get disturbing, creepy, and sad after a bit.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs protege*

[csquared]

They say that abuse tends to run in families--I actually fear that I'll become the monster that my dad was.

Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. You are smart enough to know that actions like his are not right. That puts you miles ahead of your Dad. You can do something about it, while he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem. Don't fear it. Fear is what will keep you from getting therapy IF you need it. Embrace it. Understand it. Control it. Kind of like the saying "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."