Well that sucked

[morgana]

Well.

She just came over and apologized for what she said about Daughter.

Don't fall for it! Accept the apology, sure, but don't let it make you feel any differently about her. Classic abuser manipulation.

[MoonCat]

Her best friend isn't just a bully, she's a leech.

As for the apology, yeah, she owes you one. But it's just the first payment on the 32 years of crap she gave you. She doesn't know where to dump that crap if she can't dump it on you. Please don't let her.

[Valentinian]

Don't fall for it! Accept the apology, sure, but don't let it make you feel any differently about her. Classic abuser manipulation.

Yeah - she needs someone to be a punching bag, and oh no! You're quitting that job! Now what can she do? Quick, apologise for the latest bit of punching, that fixes everything, right?

(((hugs))) if you want them, Kanalah. Stay strong! You deserve people in your life who treat you well and appreciate you.

[Seshat]

People become comfortable with certain structures and patterns; and when those patterns are disrupted, they will do a great deal to try to get things back the way they're used to them.

During this process of realising how bad your mother is for you, and dealing with that in whatever way you choose (I nth the option of kicking her to the curb, but it's your life and your choice).... er,

During this process, BOTH you and your mother will instinctively try to get things back the way they were.

YOU are getting something out of being her punching bag/doormat. Most likely what you're getting is a maladaptive survival behaviour that served you when you were a child, trapped in the family, and hey, to survive, you had to deal with the environment you had.
That child-part-of-you is going to be protesting that you won't survive if you change the pattern! Because when you were a kid, that pattern got you food, shelter, and what passed for love.

You're going to need to reassure yourself that all will be well even if she's not abusing you anymore.
Unfortunately, the level of abuse you've been enduring, and the duration of it, is beyond my knowledge and experience level. You can, of course, rely on me for a shoulder and an ear - as you know, my shoulders require regular irrigation.

But I don't have the knowledge/experience/training to tell you how to reassure your child-self. It's possible that you, who knows yourself better than anybody else, can just do it. Because on some level you know. I hope so - in my experience, that's what eventually happened with me. But my parents aren't nearly as bad as yours.


Anyway: main point is watch for her to do anything to get you back, even 'reform herself'. And then return to her bad behaviour.
And watch for your own impulse to accept her back. It's almost certainly there.

[Kanalah]

I think the main thing that is bothering me is that mom and I normally don't have anything to do with each other from mid January to mid October. And this was late November - certainly not a problem if my show on Nov 21st was my last show for the year. But I have 2 more shows this year - one of them a fairly prestigious show, and the other I was handpicked and invited personally to be the only quilter there.

I know I have friends that will do shows with me - mom likes to rail on me that any show that I do solo will end in failure. Despite the fact that her evidence is flawed - the shows I bombed at were spring and summer shows and they are notorious for having no customers. People just don't go shopping in the spring and summer like they do in the fall and winter.

I did go out on Monday and picked up the show things that she usually provides. I also had to buy replacements for the things that belong to me that she's "borrowing", namely my table covers and my extension cords. That way I will have everything I need for myself and whoever is hanging out with me at shows.

I know that she's not going to apologize for my childhood. I don't think she ever will.

[MoonCat]

It sounds like you've taken some good, solid steps toward a healthier life. I think that's great.

You know we're here to listen if you need it.

[Kanalah]

I've been really struggling the past few weeks. I really hate this time of year for rubbing "family-togetherness" in my face. I don't like being reminded that my parents hated me when I was a child. They said I was a mistake and I ruined their lives.

My quilt sales are in the toilet this year. Everyone who was interested in a custom has bailed on me. I've been mocked at shows for actually wanted to get paid for my work.

I told hubs the other day that I was seriously thinking about throwing all the quilts out on the driveway and setting them on fire. How can I support my family when I can't pay the bills with what I'm good at?

[XCashier]

I've been mocked at shows for actually wanted to get paid for my work.

Seriously? Who doesn't get paid for their work? Doesn't matter if it's quilting, retail or a 9-5 office job, work is work and the worker is worthy of their wages.

I told hubs the other day that I was seriously thinking about throwing all the quilts out on the driveway and setting them on fire. How can I support my family when I can't pay the bills with what I'm good at?

Don't do that, whatever you do. They will sell. They have sold before, and will sell again. I've noticed a serious drought in my sales on eBay, so it's not just you. It's far too easy for us to blame ourselves when the problem is actually all across the board.

Take a deep breath, have a nice cup of cocoa, take a little time for yourself. And don't forget these wise words: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." -- William Gibson

[Kanalah]

So my mom is suing my dad. She wants half of his pension even though they were only married for 13 of the 30 years he was working.

And typically they are both using me as a sounding board. Dad is complaining that he is already running out of money each month, and Mom is complaining that Dad "owes" her because she put up with him for so long.

So I am spending another sleepless night stressing out. They are both lawyering up - again. I hope they don't drag me into a courtroom, because I'll nail both their asses to a wall. I had to grow up in an abusive house because no one wanted to do their damn jobs. Everyone knew about the abuse, teachers, friends, family, therapists, pastors, and no one stepped up to stop it. That's really pissing me off right now.

[MoonCat]

Ok first, deep breath. Second - do not listen to either one of them. Don't read their emails, don't take their calls. Their marriage and this lawsuit is NOT your problem or your responsibility. I don't see any reason why they would need you in the courtroom. A marriage is a relationship between two people, the children are, strictly speaking, not part of the marriage itself. Whether or not your mom is entitled to half your dad's pension has nothing to do with you.

Please try to stay away from that whole mess, if you possibly can.

[Kristev]

I agree. Don't deal with either of them at all if you can help it.

[ApolloSZ]

I know, I know. I'm not in this situation, and its easier said then done. This is also just my opinion.

But kick both their asses to the curb, and let them eat your dust. If they push this or drag you in, then hit them with the alpha strike.

You are a better person than your mother that's for sure. And if your dad was complicit, then your a better person than both of them.