So my year has gotten off to a craptastic start. This month has sucked for a variety of reasons, including some stuff on the home front, and some stuff on the work front, but mostly because of stuff on the romantic front. (NOTE: This is gonna be long, drawn out, and have a lot of personal shit in it. If that's not your personal cup of tea, please, move on to the next thread. Thanks.)
Some of you may remember Diane from here and here.
Diane, my new girlfriend. The Girl I'd Been Looking For. And I'd finally found her.
Well, at the start of the year, Diane broke it off with me. Broke up, dumped me, made me single, decided that, in her opinion, we were not compatible.
She was just as excited about everything as I was early on, but at some time in November or so, things seemed to get strained. Some of the quarreling while I was in California in December, which I thought we could just work through as we adjusted to our differences, were apparently not as minor to her as they were to me. And apparently the distance was too much for her. I was willing to work through it, and was looking forward to the occasional weekend of jetting up from Phoenix (once I've relocated there this spring/summer--no, really!) to NoCal to see her, and the occasional visit of hers to AZ. I was honestly looking towards the future, with her as a major part of it, and we'd figure out the AZ/CA thing. It was gonna work.
Damn, I can be such a romantic and an optimist, huh? The woman I'd described in multiple occasions as The Best Girlfriend Ever, the woman who had caused me for the first time in a dozen years to have days where my ex-fiancé did not cross my mind even once, the woman who made the future seem stable and less scary....suddenly this woman did not want that future, and did not want me.
She'd started a new and demanding job, and while we have a lot of similarities, we do have quite a bit of differences. And one thing I had noticed about her is something I've noticed about other people over the years, though it didn't click immediately. You know how the people who are the most jealous and the most concerned and accusatory that their partner is cheating on them are usually the ones doing the cheating? Well, while that is not something that affected our relationship, she often accused me of criticizing her and of insisting that I'm always right. While I am naturally a bit argumentative and enjoy some good verbal sparring, a lot of these instances were where no one else would have considered what I said to be a criticism of them. I often had no idea where she got this stuff. But as time went on, I realized that what she was convinced I was doing was exactly what she was doing. To the point where I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her for fear of her taking something I'd said the wrong way. Which is not how I am or how I like to be; I like to speak freely. And while I do occasionally say stupid shit, and sometimes will argue a point too far, she believed I was doing this stuff far more than I was actually doing it. And she had to be right, even though she insisted that that was something I was doing. To the point where a few weeks ago she actually said, "I'm right, and you're just gonna have to accept that." About something inconsequential. Heck, a few months ago, she told me how my friend Little Red would feel about something, and when I said Red certainly would not feel that way, she insisted she knew better because she and Red were both women, despite the fact that Red is my best friend down here, I've known her over ten years, and Diane has only talked to Red a couple times via Facebook.
So, after coming to the personal conclusion early last year that I'd probably not find anyone to share my life with, I'd actually found someone....and then, after a mere five months, she broke it off.
I was, to be sure, devastated. And depressed. Deeply depressed. It was quickly evident at work, at least to my coworkers. I still put a brave face on for customers, but some of my regulars knew something was up, especially if they asked me about my lady friend. I'm honest to a fault sometimes, and if my regulars asked, I'd tell them that she had dumped me. I didn't elaborate, and I'm sure they didn't want to hear my whole sob story, but my coworkers and regulars could see I was shattered. And I couldn't help examining things, and coming to the conclusion that the only common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me. That clearly there was something about me that is the problem. Some of the things she said I did weren't incorrect, and I'm aware of my personality flaws, but I don't think I'm that bad a guy....but the evidence of my romantic history seems to refute this.
Add to that some crap that went on on the residential front for me (don't ask), some crap I could have really used the emotional support and love of this woman, and I was a shell of my former self. Listless. Depressed. Bummed. Didn't want to go home after work, but didn't want to go out, either. I actually have trouble remembering what I did before I met Diane, when I was still single, because while the romance wasn't necessarily there, I was basically happy with my life and having fun. But all I can think is that I'd have some beers after work, maybe stay out for more, maybe go home and watch TV and do some Facebook and be boring, but generally I was happy.
A lot of the above is in the past tense, but I am still somewhat depressed, have not redound my earlier happiness, and while not as listless and mopey as I was, still by down. Diane is still coming to Key West in February (next Wednesday, to be specific), but that's partly or mostly because her friends (the ones from out of town that set us up in August) are also coming. And rather than have free lodging and stay with me, she booked a room in a hotel. And hotels are not cheap here. Which says a lot, I suppose. Also, she's not staying as long, leaving on Super Bowl Sunday, which is her birthday, which was supposed to see us go kayaking during the day and do a bar's private Super Bowl party at night.
Today she texted me that she's looking forward to seeing me next week, and I was pleasantly surprised. But I'm trying to force myself to not fall in the trap of reading too much into that. Would I start things again with her? Absolutely. Though we'd have to have a long discussion about some things. But I doubt that discussion will be necessary, because I don't think she has any intentions of starting things anew. Perhaps some fun bedroom romping (which I am not opposed to if she so desires), perhaps not, but she seems very detached and very cold and very uninterested in me these days, and I don't think it's just the demands of the new job.
So there it is. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy is convinced he's found the Right One. Girl, however, becomes Gone Girl. Sadly, Boy can't even get a good drunk on as he has in past such situations. And so it goes.
One thing this has done is galvanize me even more to get my ass back to Phoenix. I'm determined to get my money together and, come this May or June, go home to Arizona. So many reasons. My parents are getting older. I miss the desert terribly. I worry about my stepsister. I could finally afford to have my own place. And, dare I say it, dating would have a bit more potential for me, since the women I'd be meeting would be far less likely to Live Somewhere Else. In this note, some people have asked if I really think dating will be that much better in Phoenix. I can't say for certain that it will, but you can't ignore the vast differences in pool sizes: Key West has 25,000 people, the Phoenix area has 2 million plus. Hell, Tempe alone has 140,000. So while there are no guarantees, the populations and the difference in transience seem to offer better odds.
Well, that's my tale of woe. Fuck January. I just hope I can regain my old mindset and return to the Jester of Old. Because right now, this shit sucks.
Some of you may remember Diane from here and here.
Diane, my new girlfriend. The Girl I'd Been Looking For. And I'd finally found her.
Well, at the start of the year, Diane broke it off with me. Broke up, dumped me, made me single, decided that, in her opinion, we were not compatible.
She was just as excited about everything as I was early on, but at some time in November or so, things seemed to get strained. Some of the quarreling while I was in California in December, which I thought we could just work through as we adjusted to our differences, were apparently not as minor to her as they were to me. And apparently the distance was too much for her. I was willing to work through it, and was looking forward to the occasional weekend of jetting up from Phoenix (once I've relocated there this spring/summer--no, really!) to NoCal to see her, and the occasional visit of hers to AZ. I was honestly looking towards the future, with her as a major part of it, and we'd figure out the AZ/CA thing. It was gonna work.
Damn, I can be such a romantic and an optimist, huh? The woman I'd described in multiple occasions as The Best Girlfriend Ever, the woman who had caused me for the first time in a dozen years to have days where my ex-fiancé did not cross my mind even once, the woman who made the future seem stable and less scary....suddenly this woman did not want that future, and did not want me.
She'd started a new and demanding job, and while we have a lot of similarities, we do have quite a bit of differences. And one thing I had noticed about her is something I've noticed about other people over the years, though it didn't click immediately. You know how the people who are the most jealous and the most concerned and accusatory that their partner is cheating on them are usually the ones doing the cheating? Well, while that is not something that affected our relationship, she often accused me of criticizing her and of insisting that I'm always right. While I am naturally a bit argumentative and enjoy some good verbal sparring, a lot of these instances were where no one else would have considered what I said to be a criticism of them. I often had no idea where she got this stuff. But as time went on, I realized that what she was convinced I was doing was exactly what she was doing. To the point where I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her for fear of her taking something I'd said the wrong way. Which is not how I am or how I like to be; I like to speak freely. And while I do occasionally say stupid shit, and sometimes will argue a point too far, she believed I was doing this stuff far more than I was actually doing it. And she had to be right, even though she insisted that that was something I was doing. To the point where a few weeks ago she actually said, "I'm right, and you're just gonna have to accept that." About something inconsequential. Heck, a few months ago, she told me how my friend Little Red would feel about something, and when I said Red certainly would not feel that way, she insisted she knew better because she and Red were both women, despite the fact that Red is my best friend down here, I've known her over ten years, and Diane has only talked to Red a couple times via Facebook.
So, after coming to the personal conclusion early last year that I'd probably not find anyone to share my life with, I'd actually found someone....and then, after a mere five months, she broke it off.
I was, to be sure, devastated. And depressed. Deeply depressed. It was quickly evident at work, at least to my coworkers. I still put a brave face on for customers, but some of my regulars knew something was up, especially if they asked me about my lady friend. I'm honest to a fault sometimes, and if my regulars asked, I'd tell them that she had dumped me. I didn't elaborate, and I'm sure they didn't want to hear my whole sob story, but my coworkers and regulars could see I was shattered. And I couldn't help examining things, and coming to the conclusion that the only common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me. That clearly there was something about me that is the problem. Some of the things she said I did weren't incorrect, and I'm aware of my personality flaws, but I don't think I'm that bad a guy....but the evidence of my romantic history seems to refute this.
Add to that some crap that went on on the residential front for me (don't ask), some crap I could have really used the emotional support and love of this woman, and I was a shell of my former self. Listless. Depressed. Bummed. Didn't want to go home after work, but didn't want to go out, either. I actually have trouble remembering what I did before I met Diane, when I was still single, because while the romance wasn't necessarily there, I was basically happy with my life and having fun. But all I can think is that I'd have some beers after work, maybe stay out for more, maybe go home and watch TV and do some Facebook and be boring, but generally I was happy.
A lot of the above is in the past tense, but I am still somewhat depressed, have not redound my earlier happiness, and while not as listless and mopey as I was, still by down. Diane is still coming to Key West in February (next Wednesday, to be specific), but that's partly or mostly because her friends (the ones from out of town that set us up in August) are also coming. And rather than have free lodging and stay with me, she booked a room in a hotel. And hotels are not cheap here. Which says a lot, I suppose. Also, she's not staying as long, leaving on Super Bowl Sunday, which is her birthday, which was supposed to see us go kayaking during the day and do a bar's private Super Bowl party at night.
Today she texted me that she's looking forward to seeing me next week, and I was pleasantly surprised. But I'm trying to force myself to not fall in the trap of reading too much into that. Would I start things again with her? Absolutely. Though we'd have to have a long discussion about some things. But I doubt that discussion will be necessary, because I don't think she has any intentions of starting things anew. Perhaps some fun bedroom romping (which I am not opposed to if she so desires), perhaps not, but she seems very detached and very cold and very uninterested in me these days, and I don't think it's just the demands of the new job.
So there it is. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy is convinced he's found the Right One. Girl, however, becomes Gone Girl. Sadly, Boy can't even get a good drunk on as he has in past such situations. And so it goes.
One thing this has done is galvanize me even more to get my ass back to Phoenix. I'm determined to get my money together and, come this May or June, go home to Arizona. So many reasons. My parents are getting older. I miss the desert terribly. I worry about my stepsister. I could finally afford to have my own place. And, dare I say it, dating would have a bit more potential for me, since the women I'd be meeting would be far less likely to Live Somewhere Else. In this note, some people have asked if I really think dating will be that much better in Phoenix. I can't say for certain that it will, but you can't ignore the vast differences in pool sizes: Key West has 25,000 people, the Phoenix area has 2 million plus. Hell, Tempe alone has 140,000. So while there are no guarantees, the populations and the difference in transience seem to offer better odds.
Well, that's my tale of woe. Fuck January. I just hope I can regain my old mindset and return to the Jester of Old. Because right now, this shit sucks.
Comment