I didn't see that one coming

[Seshat]

Catharsis:

Please, try not to feel guilty. His father's death wasn't something you could affect (I assume), and you're doing the best you can.

Having two parents can still end up with a damaged kid. Having one parent can end up with a perfectly happy and well-adjusted kid.

I've just started to write all sorts of things that start with 'it's more to do with....'. And I've decided I'll shut up. I'm not a parent, nor a guardian, nor a foster parent.

But I will say that I know people who were raised by a single parent and wound up fine.

[sstabeler]

My opinion:
1. you aren't to blame for him not having a relationship with his kids before- you were told, essentially, that he didn't care about the kids. He was being told you didn't want him to see the kids AND that your family would get a restraining order if he tried to contact you. Therefore, it's your family that are at fault.
2. the undeserved things you said about him aren't really affected by this revelation- provided they were reasonable when you said them. However, it's best not to dwell on that now.
3. since he doesn't appear to be a threat to the kids, it's probably a good idea for him to get at least some contact. you appear to be handling ti well already though. (gradually increasing the amount of contact between him and the kids)

What I suspect might be being held back is how your ex reacted to your family's actions. (specifically, I do wonder how much he tried to force the issue of being allowed to at least see the kids- if he gave up quickly, it might explain why he's concealing that now.) regardless, I doubt it is anything that means he shouldn't have a relationship with the kids now- even if it probably is too late for him to be "dad" to an of them.