Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[sportsmom]

Friendship is helping move the body.

no, no, no

"A friend will help you move, a GOOD friend will help you move a body"

We used that saying a lot at my last job. A store full of women with quite a few jerky ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends floating around.

[Pedersen]

no, no, no

"A friend will help you move, a GOOD friend will help you move a body"

And a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying "Damn. I have no idea how we're going to make bail from this one."

[Emrld]

I have to add in my cheers for TD and Jester.
Your friends can be a reflection of you . . . .
so wow Jester appears to be a really great person judging by those he holds near and dear.

[Jester]

so wow Jester appears to be a really great person judging by those he holds near and dear.

Shocking, ain't it? And yet I am still single. Go figure.

I have a small bit of good news and a huge stinking rotting shitheap of bad news.

First the good news.

At which point the manager marched out to the table and, despite their food being just about ready, told them in no uncertain terms that they were no longer welcome in that establishment.

I found out what the "no uncertain terms" were. He walked up to the table and, without preamble, said, "Get the fuck out of here." Fucking love that guy. And they did, without argument. They knew.

Now the bad news. Brace yourselves. It ain't pretty.

Today, after texting back and forth with TD many times, she called me. But it wasn't her on the end of the phone. It was BB.

Only two ways he could get her phone: kidnapping her or her going back to him. Based upon other things that have happened that I have not posted here, I do not think he kidnapped her. Which means the one time I thought a girl was going to break this stupid cycle....she didn't. As far as we can tell, she went back to the fucker.

So BB told me "It was an accident. I didn't punch her in the face." To which I replied "Fuck you, asshole. I hope you rot." And then I hung up in anger. Later, after I calmed down, I sent the following text message to her phone (I don't have his number), addressed to him: "BB, everyone--including you-- knows it wasn't an accident. Everyone knows your a fucking scumbag. Most of us look forward to dancing over your mutilated corpse." As of this posting, I have not heard back on that one.

Today was the court date for the permanent restraining order. TD did not make that date, and it seems the matter is going to die. Sadly, eventually, she probably will die too, either physically at his hands, or spiritually from the abusive relationship. All indications are that she is back with him, and that means that any further beatdowns will be met by uncaring from the cops, indifference from the courts, and sad and exasperated shrugs from TD's friends.

So while this started as a happy story, and had all the indications of maybe ending on a positive note, it seems that the ending is in fact tragic. I apologize for that, my friends. Life sucks, and even if this shitstain got run over by a semi-truck tomorrow, it seems obvious that TD would just go out and find a new and similarly abusive asshole to fill his fucknugget shoes.

I wish it were different this time.

I really do.



I'm done. Stick a fork in me.


Fuck it all.

[Saydrah]

There are not enough facepalm.jpgs in the world to express my dismay at TD's continual repetition of her abuse.

Is there any way of convincing her to start couples therapy with him, or even better, therapy alone? Maybe a professional could tell her what she won't hear from her friends- the cycle of self-retraumatizing action is only breakable by getting out of that comfort zone.

[CaroPhoenix]

Jester,

There are absolutely no words in the language to express how I feel at this moment. As I sit here, at my dining room table, reading this on my laptop, I started to cry. I can barely see what I'm typing right now.

I feel punched in the gut and horribly betrayed in some way. And this is me, a faceless person at a computer in Virginia who is nowhere near you and TD.

I really hoped she'd get the Restraining Order. I really hoped she'd move away and have a happier life than the one she could have with BB.

I'm sorry to read this. I'm sorry you and your friends had to go through this.

And though I know this might sound cruel, I feel no sorrow or pity for TD going back to BB.* She had a chance to stand up for herself, letting BB know he couldn't get away with what he did, and she threw it away, she let him know that he can do whatever he can to her, and there will be no repercussions.

IDR



*If you're going to flame me on this statement please do it at either www.fratching.com or through PMs. Thank-you.

[Jester]

My mom admitted that she put up with it for as long as she did because she was afraid of being alone. Could it be that TD feels the same way? That an abusive SOB as a boyfriend is better than none at all?

Exactly the same. She has voiced this to me, and even though intellectually she KNOWS that going back to him is a mistake, emotionally is a whole other issue. She said she just wanted her life back, and that she wanted him gone, but apparently she couldn't follow through.

And though I know this might sound cruel, I feel no sorrow or pity for TD going back to BB.*

*If you're going to flame me on this statement

Why would I flame you? You're right! I agree. I care for her, and I hope at some point in the future she sees that, as she herself recently said to me, "she is better than this, she deserves better than this, she did nothing to deserve this." But I won't be surprised if she doesn't.



The fact is, kids, that she did what millions of women do all the time. And that at some time in the future, I will probably be attending her funeral and/or his murder trial.

But despite what someone said, no, I probably won't be there for her again in the future. I love her, I care for her, she is a longtime friend, and I will be there for her as far as a shoulder to cry on....but as I told her days ago, if she goes back to him, the courts, police, and her friends are going to be far less likely to help her again in the future. I won't stick my neck out like this for her again. Why should I? What does it get me, other than a place on the shit list of a dude with a violent history? Nothing. A bunch of us stuck our necks out for TD, and we got burned for trying to help someone. Most of us won't do it again. I am a good guy, but I am NOT a saint, and I probably WON'T help her out next time.

And if any of you have a problem with that, well, I'm sorry, but there's only so many times you can get burned before you stop sticking your hand in the same fire. I did everything I could for TD, but I can't run her life or make her make the decisions that she has to make.

I am done. Stick a fork in me. And fuck it all to hell.

[XCashier]

I am done. Stick a fork in me. And fuck it all to hell.

I understand where you are coming from, Jester. I'm disappointed, disgusted and frustrated, and I'm nowhere near the situation. You did the best you could, did everything a friend and decent man could, went the distance, and the whole situation went belly-up. I don't blame you for saying "fuck it."

There are plenty of nice, decent men out there who treat women as fellow human beings and don't belittle, play mind games or rearrange their faces. Why do some women insist on dating abuser after abuser?! What does it take to wake these women up to reality?!

So much for the happy ending.

[MadMike]

As far as we can tell, she went back to the fucker.

Oh, hell no!

Like I said toward the beginning of this thread, I too had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, and she'd be crying on my shoulder about him the one day, and then going back to him the next. I felt so angry, helpless, and frustrated, as I'm sure you do now.

While he most likely will hurt her again, it's still possible she gets out of the situation alive. It may come down to an incident that she considers the final straw. With my friend, the final straw was when she found out he was dating another woman behind her back, with neither woman knowing about the other until they accidentally stumbled across each other. ("Yeah, I know him! We've been dating for a couple months now.") Not sure how he got one woman let alone two. He was one ugly fuck.

Hopefully she comes to her senses before something really bad happens.

[Jester]

It may come down to an incident that she considers the final straw.

Hopefully she comes to her senses before something really bad happens.

This should have been the final straw.

He beat the living shit out of her, and then left her unconscious outside their home until she came to.

Then he told her, despite her memory and the physical evidence contradicting it, that she had simply fallen out of the truck.

She had one hell of a black eye. She had bruises all over her arms and torso. She had bruised ribs and could not work for several days. She had trouble even walking. She had finger-shaped bruises on her throat. Even the cops laughed at his version of what happened.

If this wasn't the last straw, I don't know what qualifies. Most of the people who were willing to help her this time are far less likely to stick their necks out next time. He is banned from her place of business, but if I read him right (and so far I have), he will make sure she quits there soon, so that he doesn't have her working in an environment so completely against him in every way. He has pulled the wool over her eyes, and the nicest people I know are just throwing up their hands and saying fuck it.

This guy beats the crap out of a gorgeous, intelligent woman, and she comes back to him.

Me, I can't even get a date lately. Maybe I should abandon my charm, niceness, and sense of humor in favor of a bad attitude and a good right hook. It seems to work.

Fuck this whole situation, fuck guys like him, and fuck girls like her. Idiocy, all of it.

[MMATM]

Fuck it all.

Call me a heartless bastard if you will, but I'd probably spend a while deliberately avoiding TD if I were in your shoes, Jester. If she'd rather go back to some abusive shitstain on the pants of the wasted asshole of society, then I'd cut ties and let her realize just how stupid her decision is. And it's just that: stupid.

Not only is she now terminally fucked in the eyes of the courts, but the hard evidence she got (doctor's report, photos, et cetera) is now just ammo for a "see? she fell down the stairs once before and tried to pin it on me" defense. So if she wasn't already screwed if she ever tries to get a restraining order again, that would help prevent it from ever happening.

On a final note: shithead moves like this are the reason the cops were so slow to act in the first place. Shame on TD, she might have just well ended another woman's life indirectly.

[MadMike]

This should have been the final straw.

Yeah, it should have, but when do things ever go the way they should?

It was the same way with my friend. Every time he laid a hand on her, every time he made her cry, ever time he made her feel like she was worthless should have been the last time. But it wasn't, and even I got to the point where I started to lose my patience, and responded to her claims of it being over with a cold, cynical "Yeah, right!"

I also understand your frustration, because back then I was also the nice guy who couldn't get a date, while the abusive assholes seemed to have no trouble in that department.

Like I said, she eventually did see the light and get rid of him. Hopefully your friend does the same before it's too late.

[CaroPhoenix]

Why would I flame you? You're right! I agree. I care for her, and I hope at some point in the future she sees that, as she herself recently said to me, "she is better than this, she deserves better than this, she did nothing to deserve this." But I won't be surprised if she doesn't.

Thank you Jester for understanding. Some people might see me as being heartless. I was actually the same way with my sister and her first husband. (He mentally, emotionally and phsycially abused her and yet she waffled for a year before she finally left him because she "loved him." It took him cheating on her and stealing money from her to get her to leave). I washed my hands of her until she left the guy.

I was never physically abused by any of the guys I dated (though they mentally/emotionally abused me, and I even had one who cheated on me and blamed me for his cheating!) However, I had male friends who thought it was okay to emotionally and mentally abuse me. (And then were surprised when I walked away and stopped associating with them, even now, I will have nothing to do with them, and I get nauseous when I think about them, or see them in a public place).

[MMATM]

I forgot to ask this before, since I was (and am) royally pissed off, but weren't these two engaged before this incident? I hope they're not going ahead with the wedding, because if they are TD really has no time to realize what an idiot she's being before she's essentially dead meat. In which case the score would round out to [BB: infinity, TD: zero]. If not worse.

[Kusanagi]

The only thing I can say in this situation is that it's people like TD that make the cops drag their feet on cases like this.

She not only hurt herself, but she hurt every other woman that's been in that position - one that truly wants to get out.

I can't say anything else because what I would say is too harsh to post on this board.