I need to be not okay for a few minutes

[Dips]

I'm sorry I'm late to this thread. First of all, my condolences for the loss of your daughter. Nobody should ever have to bury a child.

The things you are experiencing are very normal for somone who has lost a child.

It was very much like that for me when my son died. I'm going to dispense some advice based on my experience and my mother's. If it doesn't sound right to you, don't follow it. Your loss is unique to you and you have to do what is right for you and your family.

First, don't fret that you're not able to function well. You're grieving now and believe it or not, grieving is very hard work. The energy to do other things will come back eventually.

Don't feel as if you must get rid of your daughter's things right away or let anybody pressure you into it. There's no time table here. Whatever you feel is right is what is right.

Talk to you family about your feelings. There isn't anybody in the world who will understand this loss as well as you and your family. A book I read talked about grief like being on a leaky raft on a stormy ocean. Each member of the family is on his sinking raft. You are so overwhelmed keeping your own raft afloat that you can't do anything to save your family members. It's an awful helpless and isolated feeling.

From another perspective, my daughter was afraid to talk to me about her grief because she didn't want to make me feel worse. I pointed out to her, quite correctly, that there was no worse way to make me feel. So we talk and we cry and we hug each other a lot. It helps.

The guilt. That's quite normal. I have not met a single bereaved parent who hasn't dealt with that. I deal with it too. The fact that nobody else would ever hold us responsible doesn't matter. The fact that we ourselves would never hold another parent in the identical situation responsible doesn't matter. We feel guilty anyway.

I can't make the feelings of guilt go away, so I just deal with them when they show up. It does get better with time. Tell yourself that you did the best you could for your child with what you knew at the time. Imagine meeting another mother who had the same thing happen. Would you blame her for her child's death? Of course you wouldn't. Keep that in mind whenever the guilt tries to surface.

By all means, feel free to PM me if you need to vent and don't want to do it in the forums.

[jnd4rusty]

I am so very sorry for your loss, it is okay to not be strong, let your sadness work its way through. I will pray for you and as everyone else has said, we are here for you. Therapy would be a good thing. You have your CS family here to talk to anytime and writing down your feelings can be the best therapy in the world. Take care!!

[RootedPhoenix]

*many many hugs* You and your family are in my prayers.

[Eric the Grey]

Persephone, I'm very sorry to hear about this. There is no way I can fully understand what you're going through, but believe me when I say, you're not the only one crying over this.

You and your family have my best wishes and prayers.

But I just...I just can't seem to stop being sad. I can't seem to want to do anything.

<...>

I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

Please don't try to stop being sad. That will come in time, but it may well be a long time coming. Please allow yourself to grieve. It's natural, and understandable for you to do so. Don't feel you need to "get over it" or anything foolish like that, any time soon. You need to grieve, as does your family. Be with them and do so together.

I have not been to a therapist yet. I know I need to. I know. Hubby's mentioned it. The doctor mentioned it. Momma and Daddy mentioned it. I just...I'm not ready yet. Talking to a therapist about it makes it much more real. I'm not ready for that.

You may find it easier after this. You've opened up about it to your friends here, seeing a therapist is not that much bigger of a step.

Many virtual hugs. Please take care of yourself and your family. You have our sympathies and best wishes.


Eric the Grey

[XCashier]

Persephone, what you're feeling is perfectly understandable. You're in unimaginable grief and pain. A counselor or clergyperson would be a good idea, for you and your family.

You don't need to be the Rock of Gibralter for everyone else right now. You're allowed to cry, to show unhappiness, to not be okay.

You and your family are in my prayers.

[Reyneth]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

You did nothing wrong and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Placenta previa (especially when it comes about unexpectedly like in your case) has no treatment other than hoping the situation will change and if known, minimizing risks. So please, don't blame yourself for this.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss.

[Nyoibo]

Trying to find words to say that don't sound stupid or cliched are a pain, but I really am sorry for your loss, and I know it's normal to question, but please don't blame yourself for this, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't the fault of anything you did and don't feel guilty about being sad.

*hugs*

[Bella_Vixen]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

*many hugs*

[blas]

My thoughts are with you, persephone.........lots of virtual hugs.....

We are here to listen and to help.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm so sorry you lost your little one. I think that your reaction is completely normal, and you should not be apologizing. It's understandable that you would have a stronger reaction than the rest of the family. The kids are young; they don't fully understand. Hubby lost his child, too, but he wasn't the one carrying her inside his body and feeling every movement. It hasn't been that long; there's no timetable for grief. I'm sure it's nothing you did, or didn't do. If you're not ready for a therapist, is there a clergyperson you can talk to (I don't know your religion, if any)? Maybe arranging some sort of memorial might help bring some kind of solace.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.

[SengaKitty]

Oh honey i'm soo sorry for your loss. I'm sending truckloads of good thoughts your way and will be PMing you my phone number if you ever want to talk. Have you and hubby thought of having a memorial service? Don't be sorry for being sad, you're allowed to be sad, you NEED to be sad at this point. If you weren't sad, I'd worry more. please talk to us anytime you need to. We're here for you

[monolayth]

oh hon, i don't know what to say. toher then I am sorry for your loss and i hope life gets better for you.

[Mike Taylor]

You have my sympathies, persephone.

[persephone]

Thanks for all the good thoughts. I know I don't need to apologize but I guess...I just don't quite feel right, if that makes sense. Things that should be easy seem so complicated and there are moments when I'm like "What's this? Oh...a phone. Hmmm." And it's like I've never seen it before.

It's like walking through fog, I guess? That's probably the best way to put it. I'm very very foggy.

I have not been to a therapist yet. I know I need to. I know. Hubby's mentioned it. The doctor mentioned it. Momma and Daddy mentioned it. I just...I'm not ready yet. Talking to a therapist about it makes it much more real. I'm not ready for that.

Actually, I think writing that post earlier is the first time I have actually said that she is gone. I still haven't said it out loud. I just...it's hard. It feels so weird to be mourning someone I never actually got to meet -- does that make sense?

Thanks for listening to me and thanks for all the good thoughts. I think there are moments I just need to babble. I am hurting and it's nice to realize there are people who understand that maybe I do need to hurt, you know? I don't know.

But thanks. I think that's all I can say.

[Ree]

I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling.

We are all here for you if you need a shoulder.

Sending good thoughts and prayers to you.